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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not love my step children?

92 replies

TheDoorIsClosed · 26/09/2019 10:10

I don't dislike them in any way, I treat them well, we get on great but I don't feel like I love them.

I don't feel like I miss them really when they aren't here for example. I don't super look forward to them coming like DH does. That's not to say I don't like them coming, I don't really feel either way about it. I enjoy it when they are here and I enjoy it when they aren't, I just don't feel like I can't wait to see them iyswim. We went on holiday a while back and H spent most of the last few days saying how much he couldn't wait to get back to see the kids, missed them etc... And I just nodded along thinking 'is that how I'm supposed to feel too?'.

I feel bad like there should be more of an intense feeling there but there just... isn't.

I don't think I'm a bad step mother in practice, they are welcomed with open arms, we have fun together, they are cared for and are happy children but mentally I wonder if there's something wrong with me!

I sometimes wonder if it's different now they are getting older as we don't really do much fun stuff, their time here mainly consists of screen, Xbox, iPad, talking to their friends etc...?

OP posts:
finn1020 · 26/09/2019 12:55

Pretty sure this is normal OP, I feel the same way.

PBo83 · 26/09/2019 12:57

Speaking as a stepdad then I 100% echo your sentiments.

I don't dislike my stepdaughter (although she's just turning teenager so sometimes I do...lol!). We get on well, we go on holiday all together, I treat her well and ensure she's well looked after...

...But I don't love her. I think the expectation for step parents to 'love them as your own' is a bit unfair really as you can't force the biological love you feel for your own kids. Luckily I don't have any of my own children so i'm not torn in that respect.

The way I see it, we get on, she has a nice life, I treat her well and he have a good relationship so that will do, no point worrying over something which you can't control.

PusheenLovesPizza · 26/09/2019 13:12

To be honest I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. This seems like an eminently sensible and realistic way to handle the situation. You’re not expecting too much of yourself, your step-children or their mother. I wish more people would see this as the way to handle that kind of situation. No-one’s boundaries get pushed.

Most decent adults would try to be do no harm to/be protective of children, whether they have blood ties to them or not, but they just wouldn’t take it as far as a parent would.

Just be another decent, kind, caring adult in the children’s lives, don’t expect to be fully a parent unless it happens naturally for all involved. Love might grow, it might not. No harm done, less emotional upheaval all round.

coconuttelegraph · 26/09/2019 13:12

I'd say it's more unusual to say that you love them equally to your own children. I'm always wary of someone who says that especially if the children haven't been in their lives for very long

notoldenoughforthis · 26/09/2019 13:16

I don’t love anyone else in the same way I love dd. That overwhelming omg I love her so much feeling, the way my happiness is absolutely tied up in hers. There’s plenty of other people I love greatly though, it just doesn’t feel the same. My mam, brother, oldest best friend probably evoke the most intense feelings but still not the same as dd. I definitely love my wider family and other friends. I have love for my colleagues and acquaintances- as in I care about they’re wellbeing and wish good things for them. But none of that is the same as I feel about dd, and I definitely wouldn’t miss any of them on a short holiday apart from dd. I do look forward to spending time with my friends and brother, but only because I feel like I don’t see them as often as I’d like, if I saw them every week I probably wouldn’t get that same feeling.

Do you feel the way you describe your husband feeling about his children about other people in your life? Do you question your love for them?

If you are kind to them, care about and consider their feelings surely that is love?

I think I agree with @intermittentfasting that parental love is tied up with responsibility. When my dd was born the intense instinct to protect her came immediately; the feelings of love and joy grew more slowly. With other people who are adults, or children who have parents caring for them, that instinctive constant need to protect isn’t there; I would want to protect them from bad things but the feeling only shows it’s head when they or their happiness are directly threatened. I’m sure if something was threatening your step-children’s well-being you’d want to protect them, it’s just not your overwhelming feeling most days, because it’s not your responsibility.

Informationvstrust · 26/09/2019 13:21

My stepmother and I haven't always loved each other, but I think we do now (she came into my life when I was 6, I'm now 34!).

Now I'm older I can see things much more from her point of view, she was only human and she did the best she could. But my sister and I weren't her children, she didn't love us like she loved her own (my stepsister and half brother) - it was my father she had s relationship with and we were just part of the package. But she took care of us (in many ways better than either of our "real" parents) and over the years she has become an absolute rock to me, the first person I'd call if I needed "parenting". And I know she cares hugely about me and would do anything for me.

So don't worry - it may well grow on you. Sneaky little bugger is love.

NKFell · 26/09/2019 13:22

Step children and adopted children are completely different. Adoptive parents are parents, step parents are step parents.

OP my ex has a DD from a previous relationship but she's pretty much grown up with me so even though I'm no longer with her Dad, she still comes to my house and spends lots of time with her 'half' siblings so she is still my stepdaughter. I care about her, I like her and enjoy her company but I wouldn't say I love her and I doubt she loves me! It's OK, as long as your kind and thoughtful, which you sound like you are, it's fine.

NKFell · 26/09/2019 13:23

*you're!

TwentyEight12 · 26/09/2019 13:24

As a step child I find it sad and cold that you’re happy to be with someone else’s father/mother but not too fussed about the child.

Eh? Are you responding to the OP with this comment?

I think she is very much fussed about her DSC.

I’m sorry if you’ve not had the best experience in a Step dynamic. Not all of us SMs or SFs have had the best experience of being in one either.

It’s not always easy is it? It can be tough all round and not just on you - the child. But if you have been shown compassion and kindness and been helped out financially by someone who isn’t your biological parent out of their choice, which I hope you have, then you haven’t done too badly I’d hope.

99problemsandjust1appt · 26/09/2019 13:27

You don’t have to love them , feel guilty about that fact or try to learn and grow to love them. You just don’t have to so take that pressure off yourself.
They have parents who love them. Set aside the idea you need to as well and instead facilitate them having a good relationship with their dad and always feeling safe and secure and cared for when in your home or with you.
Kindness, compassion, fairness, equal treatment with your own dc if you have any and putting them first is all you need to do as a step parent x

MrsDimmond · 26/09/2019 13:33

What a great thread that (again) shows that SMs are NOT universally hated on MN. As I have said over and over, many of us on here are or have been SMs as well as mums with exes. There simply are not 2 opposing camps!

It's just a shame that GoldenEvilHoor chose to post
If you are a step mother you often have the malevolent influence of the biological mother to contend with which I imagine makes the child very hard to like.

Fuck off with the idea that mothers often exert malevolent influences on their children to ruin the relationship with their SM (note I've not risen to the biological goady bollocks)

MrsDimmond · 26/09/2019 13:34

Sorry, OP, meant to say, YANBU.

SilverySurfer · 26/09/2019 13:37

MorganKitten
As a step child I find it sad and cold that you’re happy to be with someone else’s father/mother but not too fussed about the child.

Ridiculous comment. The OP simply said she likes them, but doesn't love them which is perfectly natural. You obviously have issues from your own situation which you need to resolve.

OP I agree with the majority that this is completely normal.

Mrsjayy · 26/09/2019 13:40

You sound a nice stepmum you like your husband's children and that's a great starting point isn't it? They have parents to love and miss them you just keep doing what you are doing.

Novembersbean · 26/09/2019 13:41

MorganKitten

If people became step parents because they wanted a child to love as much as they might love their own, then step parents would be assigned in the same way as adoptive parents. The truth is, a step parents main reason to be there is obviously their love for the adult, with caring for and a accommodating their child being a necessary condition of being with them. Why would you find it strange that they would not be equally motivated by wanting to be a third parent to a child they have probably never met at the time of entering into the relationship?

I'm sorry for you if you have had a negative experience of being a step child, but it is naive to find it disappointing that a step parent's main reason to be there is their romantic relationship with the parent. That is the nature of being a step parent.

Comeonmommy · 26/09/2019 13:42

Am I the only one who loves my step daughter as much as my daughter???

AllFourOfThem · 26/09/2019 13:44

H spent most of the last few days saying how much he couldn't wait to get back to see the kids, missed them etc... And I just nodded along thinking 'is that how I'm supposed to feel too?’

I can imagine many if any people love other people’s children as much as the parents do.

It’s fine not to love your stepchildren but don’t kid yourself into thinking it’s a one way thing - they undoubtedly won’t love you either and you might find in the future you wish you invested more into your relationships with them.

Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 26/09/2019 13:47

I think what you feel is very normal OP.

I don’t feel the same way about my step children as I do about my own children. I have grown fiercely protective over them though. Especially now they’re at senior school. Any sniff of bullying and I’d be straight in to see the head!

Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 26/09/2019 13:49

It’s fine not to love your stepchildren but don’t kid yourself into thinking it’s a one way thing - they undoubtedly won’t love you either

This is a good point that’s overlooked time and again on stepmother-bashing threads.

When you were a kid, did you, could you have, loved any other grown ups as much as your parents? It works both ways.

Vanhi · 26/09/2019 13:49

A stepchild comes into your life purely because of who you fall in love with. If that person happens to have children already, then you are a step parent -- it wasn't a primary choice for you, it's a side-effect of your relationship.

As someone with a DP who has a DC, I don't view her as a side effect. I see what you mean, but for me I was aware at the outset that if I was to accept and love him, I had to realise that he came along with his DD. If I couldn't at the very least like her, it would have been game over for the relationship. She's young enough that she'll need him for some time yet.

As for whether or not I love her, I haven't known her long enough. I think it would be unusual to be able to love a child automatically, especially if they're older when you meet. To me there's a difference between a stepchild you take on as a 1 year old and live with full time, to someone you met as a 15 year old and see EOW. One of them would be a very vulnerable young child in need of parenting, the other would be a proto-grown up who might want nothing to do with you.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your stepchildren, OP. I really don't think you can expect to love them how their father does, especially if they were older when you met.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 26/09/2019 13:51

OP, it's so, so refreshing to hear this from a stepmother! My DC get on well with their SM, she's kind, attentive, seems to have fun with them but... she's not their mum & never will be - because I am.

I'm genuinely happy they have such a good relationship, but I think it's far more heathy for SMs like you to say 'I care about them, but... nyeah. They're not my children.'

There's absolutely nothing wrong in saying what you have said - I wish more step-parents would tbh, instead of the usual 'I love them as if they were my own'. Props to you for saying what is usually considered to be unsayable

GaudyNight · 26/09/2019 13:53

As someone with a DP who has a DC, I don't view her as a side effect. I see what you mean, but for me I was aware at the outset that if I was to accept and love him, I had to realise that he came along with his DD. If I couldn't at the very least like her, it would have been game over for the relationship. She's young enough that she'll need him for some time yet.

I agree with you, @Vanhi -- and 'side effect' I realise makes a child sound like something pharmaceutical, and I think your approach is absolutely right. But my point was made in response to the poster who implicitly compared adopted children and stepchildren on the grounds that neither was biologically yours, so I was making the point that while all your efforts are directed towards the child when you adopt, when you enter a relationship with someone who has a child, it's not primarily on account of the child. You would not have a relationship with that child if it weren't for your relationship with that child's parent.

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 26/09/2019 13:54

I love my DSD but not my DSS. He and I have a different relationship - we get on fine, are friendly enough to each other, I remind his dad when his birthday is coming up, and would never stand in the way of DH being there for him etc but he was in his late teens when DH and I got together, heading off to university and DSS and I simply haven't spent the time together that it would take for any kind of love to grow, I think. Whereas his several-years-younger sister stayed with us half the week every week from the age of about 12 through to 18, and when she hit a rocky relationship with her mum in her mid-teens she turned to us/me quite a bit, which I was immensely touched by and which brought us pretty close. However I don't feel maternal love for her, I love her in the same way I love my closest friends - she's someone important to me who I love spending time with and who I never want to see hurt or unhappy.

Imonlydoingwhatican · 26/09/2019 13:58

I love my sd, but like a sister. Its not the same love as my own dc. However i do tell her i love her, i have been in her life since she was 2 shes now 15. She lives me full time. Im her carer as she has mh issues doesnt attend school. I take her to appointments, drs etc.. and im activly involved in everything, i keep her mum invovled and (not in a big headed way) if ot wasnt for me stepping up she wouldnt have a good realtionship with her now. Sm have it hard, as do sc adapting to a mew family dynamic. Its not easy, its just as difficult as parenting your own. You certainly have to have a level of care towards the child for it to work.

Original poster
TheDoorIsClosed · 26/09/2019 14:01

Ok phew, it's nice to come back to the thread and not have been flamed to a crisp Grin

To the poster who said I'm not 'fussed' about his children. I am. I care that they are healthy, I look after them when they need it, hell I even take them to and from school on occasion!

It's just when I hear people say that they love their step children as if they were there own, I just do not feel that. I know for a fact I will not feel that way if/when I have a child of my own.

Like I say, I don't dislike them or them coming to stay. I could probably take or leave contact to be honest, I'm really not bothered either way. I'd never stop or get in the way of DHs relationship with them but for me, personally, that intense love feeling just isn't there.

OP posts: