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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not love my step children?

92 replies

TheDoorIsClosed · 26/09/2019 10:10

I don't dislike them in any way, I treat them well, we get on great but I don't feel like I love them.

I don't feel like I miss them really when they aren't here for example. I don't super look forward to them coming like DH does. That's not to say I don't like them coming, I don't really feel either way about it. I enjoy it when they are here and I enjoy it when they aren't, I just don't feel like I can't wait to see them iyswim. We went on holiday a while back and H spent most of the last few days saying how much he couldn't wait to get back to see the kids, missed them etc... And I just nodded along thinking 'is that how I'm supposed to feel too?'.

I feel bad like there should be more of an intense feeling there but there just... isn't.

I don't think I'm a bad step mother in practice, they are welcomed with open arms, we have fun together, they are cared for and are happy children but mentally I wonder if there's something wrong with me!

I sometimes wonder if it's different now they are getting older as we don't really do much fun stuff, their time here mainly consists of screen, Xbox, iPad, talking to their friends etc...?

OP posts:

Aprillygirl · 26/09/2019 14:03

I don't think you're expected to love them are you? That is their mum and dad's job. Your job is to (hopefully) like them, be kind to them and treat them the same as your biological kids (if you have any) when they're around. If you do happen to grow to love them, great, that's a bonus but don't beat yourself up for not doing so.

GiveMeHope103 · 26/09/2019 14:06

yanbu. I think you are very honest which I'm sure many SP also feel although cant openly say. I know I cant love another child as my own - because they are not.

olivesnutsandcheese · 26/09/2019 14:07

I love my DSS but it's not the same tiger mother love as I feel for my DS. It's pretty strong though. Way more than I love my niece or nephews or my close friends kids.
I say I love him and I hope he feels loved.
He lived with us until he was 14 though so it might be different if you just see them EOW.
I don't think it matters though so long as you are kind and there is no discernible difference in how you treat them v how you treat your own DC if you have some.

Original poster

TheDoorIsClosed · 26/09/2019 14:10

They are with us 50/50 so it's not a EOW kind of deal but still.

Yes, if/when we have our own child I'd never be as cruel as to treat them outwardly differently but I really cannot imagine feeling the same.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheDoorIsClosed · 26/09/2019 14:15

I don't think you're expected to love them are you?

I guess not! It seems to be a pressure I've felt for a while but it's most likely just ideals that I've read here or elsewhere.

OP posts:

conderellainyellakissedafella · 26/09/2019 14:17

It's not unreasonable because they are not your blood family. If you and your dh split up you'd probably never see them again.

TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 26/09/2019 14:25

I would like to say that I love my step children equally as my own 2. I really want to and I do adore them, but I don't have the same depth of feeling.

This was put to the test when DD and SDD were involved in a very dangerous situation (life or death) and in the panic I could only focus on DD and getting her safe. However, OH was at my side and his priority was SDD. So maybe because I knew that she had someone looking out for her, I didn't have to worry.

Once the initial panic was over and we knew they were safe, I was all over both of them like a rash and so grateful they were both OK.

But in the moment, when I was driven by sheer panic and distress, it was DD who was my main concern.

So. To answer your question, I think it's normal to not feel "love" but you can still be concerned and interested and eventually I think (or hope) love will grow.

It's a few years on from the trauma we went through and I've definitely grown more and more fond of SDC, but I still wouldn't say I love them like my own. It makes me sad to be honest, I really want to feel that way!

Aprillygirl · 26/09/2019 14:26

I guess not! It seems to be a pressure I've felt for a while but it's most likely just ideals that I've read here or elsewhere.

Perhaps it wouldn't be ideal to love your stepchildren though because, as conderellainyellakissedafella (great name!) says, where would that leave you if you and your partner did split up?

FaerieKiss · 26/09/2019 14:28

Why should you love them? The only children I love are my own. For every other child in my life, whether related or not, the best I can muster is a fond uninterest.

alphabetti · 26/09/2019 14:31

I have 2 DC and my partner has 1DC we have lived together for past 2 years and are getting married next summer. My children live with us and his DC lives with their mum.

I love my 2 and would give my own life for them. I don’t feel the same about my partners child. I find him difficult at times and he often misbehaves for us and even though he is only 5 he can be very cheeky and thinks he can have his own way. I try my best for him though and would never shout at him in the way I shout at my own if they are doing something wrong. I make sure that when he’s with us we have meals that he enjoys, pick Birthday/Christmas presents he will love and when my partner had a gap of pay between one job ending and his new one starting I paid the maintenance out of my wages. I don’t really think that you have to love a step child the way you naturally love your own but you should treat them the way you would expect your own child to be treat and never make them feel like an outsider.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 26/09/2019 14:37

I do love my DSS, although it is a different love from how I feel about DS. I think it’s because DSS lives with us full time and has done since he was 10, also he’s been in my life since he was 6, and his mum isn’t very reliable so I feel very protective of him. He also does my head in sometimes, but so does my DS. When he left for University last year I missed him a lot, but as he started to enjoy it I now feel comfortable about him living away from home and can trust him to look after himself, most of the time.

funinthesun19 · 26/09/2019 14:44

I don’t love my dsc and they don’t love me. We do however, have a mutual respect for each other and I don’t try and play mum when I’m not mum. Dsc appreciates that I think.

TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 26/09/2019 14:46

Oh yes, good point. I feel very protective of my 2 SC. Fiercely so. Their mum isn't around and I feel a genuine desire to look out for them and protect them because of this. I suppose that's a kind of love isn't it.

BenjiB · 26/09/2019 14:55

My SD is 28, I’ve been in her life since she was 3. I do love her but not the same feeling as my own children. She is obviously an adult now but I dint miss her if I don’t see her for weeks. I may feel differently if she’d ever lived with us but she hasn’t and she has her own mum.

TwentyEight12 · 26/09/2019 15:06

I have been in a different camp.

I fell in love with a man who had children and I embraced that he did. I don’t have any of my own. I wanted to be a fully integrated person in the dynamic but not to try to be their Mum as they had a Mum. My expectations and actions were to fully embrace being an SM and to care for them to the best of my ability in the hope that love would grow as time went on. It’s quite a tentative path to travel I think, as you do not want to upset anyone nor not do your best either. Sometimes you can’t get that right by everyon.

Love is a choice that a person makes in my eyes, but there is no guarantee that it will be accepted by another or reciprocated either.

Sadly in my case, my wants and advances were rejected. But I hold out hope that i’ll get another crack at it and that like some of the SMs here, will find a family situation where I can be accepted in it more often than not

GabsAlot · 26/09/2019 20:48

I dont either i care what happens to them etc but not love like my dh does-im not maternal and dont have my own either

Witchydearest · 27/09/2019 17:11

I don’t even like mine let alone love her. She’s awful. And so is her BM. However I would run into a burning building for her. One day she’ll grow up and realise what a horrible little madam she is but then and only then will anything change. I do not beat myself up over this anymore, that ship sailed long ago.

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