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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bloody anti-vax mother is driving me crackers

93 replies

Mitebiteatnite · 25/09/2019 10:12

This is a bit of a long-winded rant. I know you were expecting this to be a post written by a teen, but no. I am 33. I had no vaccines as a child, until I was at secondary school and worked out I could forge my mums signature Blush.

When I was pregnant with DD they told me I wasn't rubella immune and I had my MMR straight after she was born, and a subsequent booster dose since then. I've been really unwell for the last few years, I have asthma, have had frequent chest infections and pneumonia 3 times. The respiratory consultant did bloods and they showed my anti-pneumococcal and anti-Hib serology were low, which could be why I've had pneumonia a few times. She wants me to have most of the vaccines I would have had as a baby/toddler, and I'm happy to do that. The appt is booked for this week.

But my mother, ohhhhhh my mother. Constantly calling to lecture me about how vaccines are soooo unnecessary and they're just a money making measure, she worked in a surgery you know and they get paid for every vaccine they give. She tells me time and time again about the way my nephews leg swelled up after he had his jabs as a baby and how sure she is that's what caused his autism Hmm. Note, she ignores all questions about how my DDad managed to 'get' autism without ever having had a vaccine of any kind. DD is due to have her cervical cancer jab next year so I can't wait to see what fear mongering she'll come up with then. Her sister died of cervical cancer at 22, but if you ask mum she'll tell you her sister only got cancer because her husband slept around before they married Hmm

She knows my appt is Friday and she seems to be ramping up the bullshit factor this week. I'm sick of it. She is driving me batshit crazy, but I can't just ignore her. Despite her fucking ludicrous views on vaccines (and religion, abortion, gay people etc) she is my mum and she is lonely. DDad died 4 years ago and she is still struggling.

AIBU to be sick of it though? I'm a fucking adult woman, married with 2 children. It's not her job to control what I do with my body anymore.

What can my stock phrases be? I've tried 'I don't want to talk about this mum' but she replies 'no let me just say this....' and then fucking continues. I'm almost at the point of resorting to 'you're breaking up mum, signal's not great.... Hello?!' and then hanging up.

OP posts:
reasonablesettlement · 25/09/2019 10:17

Cut and past your post, email it, text it, post it to her very time she mentions her outdated views.

If that does not work , just tell her that you forgive her for her mistakes with you. She is in denial and is seeking to justify her choices.

TidyDancer · 25/09/2019 10:18

If she's not responded to reason so far I would literally shut down the conversation every time. If this means hanging up on her or walking out then you might have to go that far. As much as you obviously love her, extreme anti-vaxxers can't be reasoned with. If she's refusing to accept the truth, you have to be harsh.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/09/2019 10:18

I can't just ignore her

You are going to have to ignore her temporarily in order to put a stop to this nonsense and avoid a bigger issue in the future. Because she is showing you absolutely no respect as either an adult or a parent. And being lonely/bereaved does not provide an excuse for that.

What can my stock phrases be?

You only need one, but there isn't an effective alternative to it, so use it. 'Mum, this topic is NOT up for discussion, either you stop talking about this and respect my decision or I am hanging up.'

And do it. Every time.

She will stop.

WaterSheep · 25/09/2019 10:19

It's not something I would do lightly, but I would go none contact and cut her out of my life. I couldn't associate with someone who carried on parroting the myths about vaccines causing autism, and that's before we get to her other views.

I know it's difficult, but I would see her presence in my life as damaging. You've tried the softly softly approach, you've tried being firm and it's still not working.

Venger · 25/09/2019 10:21

Tell her that when you were growing up she made decisions about your health/care that she felt were the best choices at that time and with the information available to her, and you appreciate that she did what she thought was best, but you're an adult now and it's up to you to decide what is best for you so she should respect that just as you respect the choices she made all those years ago.

You could also point out that science supports vaccination.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 25/09/2019 10:21

Take the want out. Far too gentle.

"I am not going to discuss this with you any more". She says, "just let me say this" and you say "no".

She continues, and then you say, "I'll be going now then. Call be back if you want to talk about something else". Then you leave or you put the phone down.

NearlyGranny · 25/09/2019 10:22

Don't tell her about future appointments! You can waste so much time and emotional energy on issues like this. Neither of you will change the other's mind, and in your case and your DD's, it's 100% your call.

Do get the HPV vaccination done. My daughter's were older and missed out and one has had an abnormal smear, been diagnosed with HPV and biopsied (no action needed at present) and lived now with the fear of cervical cancer developing.

If I could have spared her that...

Whenever your mum starts, you could just say, "We aren't going to agree about this, so let's talk about something else. Don't make me hang up on you!"

Smelborp · 25/09/2019 10:22

I would tell her you’ll hang up every time she raises the topic and then do it.

messolini9 · 25/09/2019 10:23

What can my stock phrases be?

"Here's the surgery phone number mum - ring Dr X & tell her why you know more about it than she does."

And stop discussing any vaccine or medical events with her.

Babdoc · 25/09/2019 10:25

Her opinion isn’t based on science or logic, OP, so there’s no point in trying to reason with her.
I would warn her politely in advance that if she mentions it again you will immediately hang up the phone. Then be prepared to do exactly that, as often as it takes to convince her you mean it. After each episode, don’t contact her again until the following day.
It’s fine for her to have whatever pro polio, pro diphtheria, pro dying of preventable diseases views she wants, but she is not entitled to keep inflicting them on you when you have asked her not to. Persisting with it is very rude and disrespectful of you - she is not accepting your boundaries.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 25/09/2019 10:27

I would just say to her you do not want to discuss something where you clearly have opposing views and if she persists just say you will be in touch after Friday. And after that, do not mention anymore medical stuff to her, ever.

Areyoufree · 25/09/2019 10:27

I'm getting my MMR this Friday, and I'm 41. Not sure why I wasn't vaccinated as a child - am just not mentioning that I am getting my MMR to my mother, as it would just start a whole drama. Almost as if I were getting it just to spite her, make her look like a bad mother, or like I am being somehow melodramatic.

Original poster
Mitebiteatnite · 25/09/2019 10:28

I have genuinely thought about going NC before, but I can't do it. It was so much easier when I was working full time, because I genuinely didn't have as much time to talk to her. But I don't work at all now, and she knows that.

What really fucks me off is that both my older sisters had ALL their vaccines because my dad took them. But I was born 15 years later, when my mums sister had just died and I was her 'precious gift' (I'm not kidding, or being big headed. That's actually how she refers to my existence). My dad, for whatever reason, didn't have the balls to go against her wishes at that point, and I was never angry at him for that but it still wound me up. My sisters don't seem to be subject to the same scrutiny as I am, so whether it's because she felt/feels she has to get it right with me (whilst getting it very, very wrong) I don't know.

When DD had her first lot of jabs, she was miserable and poorly and all I wanted to do was call my mum and ask her for help. I ended up calling my sister because it was the only choice I had, and it has always been that way since then. It was my sister I called when DS had an accident and needed surgery, or when DD was knocked off her bike and fractured her arm. I should be able to call my mum FGS, and I just can't because she is such hard work!

OP posts:
Gingernaut · 25/09/2019 10:34

I had mumps when I was 10.

By anti-vaxxers' logic, that should have been me immune for life.

Not only have I been left with slight deafness and tinnitus on my left side, recent immunity tests for a job showed no immunity to mumps.

Immunity to the diseases I'd been vaccinated against, but not mumps.

I had to have my MMR jabs at the age of 51.

Tonnerre · 25/09/2019 10:36

Is there any reason why you can't just say to her every time "I've told you before, this topic is not up for discussion. If you say one more word about it I'm going to have to put the phone down"?

IndianTrail · 25/09/2019 10:36

Stop telling her things. I have to do this with my own mum. It's hard, but necessary.

Booboostwo · 25/09/2019 10:44

What IndianTrail suggested. If you can't stop her on her tracks and you don't want to go NC, you just have to hide things from her. Why does she need to know? I understand that you want a supportive and loving mother and maybe she is those things in other respects, but when it comes to health she can't put her crazy beliefs aside.

Bobbyflay · 25/09/2019 10:45

“I’ve been thinking Mum, maybe you’re right. Could you get hold of the scientific papers backing this up so I can compare properly to the pro-vaccine lobby?”

Then just wait for the ‘evidence’ to come along but get the vaccines done in the meantime.

inwood · 25/09/2019 10:55

If you want to maintain a relationship with her, I would just get on with it and never mention it again. There is no need to even tell her.

It's clearly not worth the hassle and she won't change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/09/2019 10:57

"I have genuinely thought about going NC before, but I can't do it"

What's stopping you. Is it fear, obligation and guilt?. All that can be overcome. Where are your boundaries also with regards to your mother, they seem so low here as to be practically non existent. Start raising boundaries as of now, start small and build your way up.

She is still treating you like an errant child and you perhaps are still looking for her approval, approval she will never actually give you. Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way, her parents did that to her.

Would you have tolerates a friend saying this, no. Your mother is no different.

PEkithelp · 25/09/2019 10:58

If it’s just this one issue, could you just lie?! Hmmm yes mum I see your point, might not have it done now... then have it done.

sashh · 25/09/2019 11:02

Mum I wish there was a vaccine to stop you being a bitch, I'd force you to have it.

WaterSheep · 25/09/2019 11:05

If it’s just this one issue, could you just lie?

It's not just the one issue though. Op has implied that she has extreme and outdated views in many areas. Hence why I said I would go none contact. I don't think someone like that is a good influence or presence in the OP and her children's life.

but I can't just ignore her. Despite her fucking ludicrous views on vaccines (and religion, abortion, gay people etc)

Chloemol · 25/09/2019 11:06

Just don’t answer the phone between now and Friday. Then once you have the jabs talk again, but just dont mention your health, what you are having done etc. My mother keeps telling us you need to do this, you need to do that, don’t do that it won’t work. We all just say yes, alright,, ok etc then do what we were going to do anyway. Often now we don’t mention anything until after the fact and present it as a fait accompli

MollyButton · 25/09/2019 11:10

I would say whenever she mentions it: "It's okay Mum I forgive you for taking such enormous risks with my life."

And to be honest - hang up whenever she mentions it on the phone, leave if she mentions it when I visit her (and probably not allow her in my house until she stops mentioning it everytime), similarly walk off if we are out and she brings it up.

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