My bloody anti-vax mother is driving me crackers

[Mitebiteatnite]

This is a bit of a long-winded rant. I know you were expecting this to be a post written by a teen, but no. I am 33. I had no vaccines as a child, until I was at secondary school and worked out I could forge my mums signature .

When I was pregnant with DD they told me I wasn't rubella immune and I had my MMR straight after she was born, and a subsequent booster dose since then. I've been really unwell for the last few years, I have asthma, have had frequent chest infections and pneumonia 3 times. The respiratory consultant did bloods and they showed my anti-pneumococcal and anti-Hib serology were low, which could be why I've had pneumonia a few times. She wants me to have most of the vaccines I would have had as a baby/toddler, and I'm happy to do that. The appt is booked for this week.

But my mother, ohhhhhh my mother. Constantly calling to lecture me about how vaccines are soooo unnecessary and they're just a money making measure, she worked in a surgery you know and they get paid for every vaccine they give. She tells me time and time again about the way my nephews leg swelled up after he had his jabs as a baby and how sure she is that's what caused his autism . Note, she ignores all questions about how my DDad managed to 'get' autism without ever having had a vaccine of any kind. DD is due to have her cervical cancer jab next year so I can't wait to see what fear mongering she'll come up with then. Her sister died of cervical cancer at 22, but if you ask mum she'll tell you her sister only got cancer because her husband slept around before they married

She knows my appt is Friday and she seems to be ramping up the bullshit factor this week. I'm sick of it. She is driving me batshit crazy, but I can't just ignore her. Despite her fucking ludicrous views on vaccines (and religion, abortion, gay people etc) she is my mum and she is lonely. DDad died 4 years ago and she is still struggling.

AIBU to be sick of it though? I'm a fucking adult woman, married with 2 children. It's not her job to control what I do with my body anymore.

What can my stock phrases be? I've tried 'I don't want to talk about this mum' but she replies 'no let me just say this....' and then fucking continues. I'm almost at the point of resorting to 'you're breaking up mum, signal's not great.... Hello?!' and then hanging up.

I can only echo the PP's saying stop telling her stuff, you are just giving her carte blanche to tell you off, which as you are a grown woman is ridiculous!

I don't discuss my comings and goings with my mother as she has something to say about everything, and, if it is anything untoward will turn it around to how awful it is for her so keep it light, conversational and NON SPECIFIC.

You only need one phrase 'my children, my decision, this is not for your opinion or for a joint discussion as is is not you decision. Kindly stop or I will have to limit talking to you about anything personal'.

dangermouse I do feel angry at her sometimes. I feel angry that her decision to sterilise everything I touched until I started school is probably why I have severe asthma and 14 different allergies as an adult. I feel angry that she never had me vaccinated, that I was never allowed on school trips that involved even a tiny element of risk because she was so frightened I would get hurt, that everytime I did hurt myself (and I'm talking a graze here) the thing that caused me to be injured was immediately off limits.

I also feel angry that I have to ask the kids to keep things quiet from her, like DD joining the army cadets. She's so excited about getting all her kit and going off camping etc, but I can't let her tell mum because she'll go ballistic.

To the PP who asked, she found out about me having my jabs because I stupidly wrote it on my calender, and mum saw it when she visited last week

Op It is your body and therefore your decision.
I agree with you DM about vax but it is NOT for me to decide for anyone else.

Don't discuss it with her anymore.
I didn't vax my child now 42 years old. She has been very healthy but she has all her kids vaxed.
They have not been so healthy but other factors come into it. Like diet.

Go on your gut feelings but if you do speak to your DM tell her you need to do it your way.

Oh Just read your last post OP.
Your DM is crossing boundaries. Your kids Your life she has to butt out.
I don't like a lot of my DD does but I keep my mouth shut because it is her life and quite honestly I didn't please my DM either.

Your DM is out of order and I speak as a GM

You're mother needs therapy. For your dd not to be able to tell her about the cadets is nuts. It has nothing to do with your mother. If she suffers from an anxiety that would have her up the walls at the thought of it then she needs to deal with that anxiety herself. Perhaps you could gently suggest she talks to someone. Otherwise talk about the weather and tv programmes, not vaccinations.

it is abuse to deny children healthcare that they need and are able to have. You were abused. You are strong enough not to pass this down to the next generation.

just put the phone down. It is one of the great things about the telephone!

My husband's parents were at least ten years older than everyone else's and had very strong and old fashioned views about almost everything.

We are very honest people and do not lie to each other or in general. I personally believe that you can tell a harmless fib to someone for their sake but not your own. 'That dress suits you', 'Father Christmas is coming tonight,' and so on.

However, we came to the conclusion, in the end, that the rows we got into with the outlaws were so distressing to both parties that, in the phrase we coined, they were 'happier being lied to.'

OP, you and your mother will be happier if you tell her nothing about your health decisions. Just avoid the subject.

I thought this was going to be about washing carpets

I'd be tempted to tell her that if she'd done her fucking job and protected you from diseases, you wouldn't have to be doing it now. But I'm a bit of a bitch.

From now on you just have doctors or nurses appointments

I write drs/nurses first names.

I like @yellowallpaper 's one "Just tell her the gp had a cancellation, and did all your vaccinations so it's a done deal, end of."

Off topic but... there's a cervical cancer jab??

mmr was introduced in 1988 but other single jabs for measles were available

@firstimemamma the HPV vaccine.

@BlueBilledBeatboxingBird oh, thanks!

Go grey rock. Stop discussing your health or anything of importance with her.
If she rings don't answer, don't call back. Just text a "just in the middle of [something dull] talk soon". Do that until after Friday. Then move forward with her just not involved in anything medical related

I never got the measles vaccine as a child, so I had a rocking case of measles that left me with a permanent loss of hearing. That disability showed up when I started school and couldn't hear what the teachers were saying. I still wear hearing aids much of the time. So I get your feelings about it.

Thanks mum.

it's all out of the way and now when mother rings this afternoon for her daily lecture, I can say 'all done mum, no problems thanks'. I won't tell her the nurse thinks I should have dtap and whooping cough next month

Liking your work here, OP.

Maybe you should write a load of stuff on your calendar specifically to wind her up so that she can't tell what's genuine and what isn't - e.g. "Bungee jumping", "Trip to moon", "Minesweeping", "Everest climb", "Drugs trial" etc.

What age was the MMR given when it came in?

Interested as I wonder if I had it- sadly my mother ‘is fairly sure. Can’t remember. Possibly’

Yeah, the cervical cancer jab, but the reason they give it s hool I'd that it's only worth doing before the recipient is sexually active. Too late once you're a married woman with a child!

It's scary because the only way they can tell if you've contracted HPV is a smear. There is no routine test for men at all!

There is a move to immunise schoolboys, too, which I approve.

Tonnerre I love that idea. Might even get some leaflets about skydiving or base jumping clubs and stick them to the fridge. Ooooh or better yet, some Scientology leaflets. That will blow her actual mind

Don’t tell her your business. Job done.

Your mother visited your house and went through your calendar. It’s not stupid for you to write your appointments on your calendar.

If your mother can’t be trusted to not go through your personal effects and pass judgment, then maybe your mother doesn’t get to visit anymore.

As far as your daughter hiding her activities from your mother, that’s just bullshit. Stop living in fear of your mother going ballistic. You are not a child and she can’t put you in a time out