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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bloody anti-vax mother is driving me crackers

93 replies

Mitebiteatnite · 25/09/2019 10:12

This is a bit of a long-winded rant. I know you were expecting this to be a post written by a teen, but no. I am 33. I had no vaccines as a child, until I was at secondary school and worked out I could forge my mums signature Blush.

When I was pregnant with DD they told me I wasn't rubella immune and I had my MMR straight after she was born, and a subsequent booster dose since then. I've been really unwell for the last few years, I have asthma, have had frequent chest infections and pneumonia 3 times. The respiratory consultant did bloods and they showed my anti-pneumococcal and anti-Hib serology were low, which could be why I've had pneumonia a few times. She wants me to have most of the vaccines I would have had as a baby/toddler, and I'm happy to do that. The appt is booked for this week.

But my mother, ohhhhhh my mother. Constantly calling to lecture me about how vaccines are soooo unnecessary and they're just a money making measure, she worked in a surgery you know and they get paid for every vaccine they give. She tells me time and time again about the way my nephews leg swelled up after he had his jabs as a baby and how sure she is that's what caused his autism Hmm. Note, she ignores all questions about how my DDad managed to 'get' autism without ever having had a vaccine of any kind. DD is due to have her cervical cancer jab next year so I can't wait to see what fear mongering she'll come up with then. Her sister died of cervical cancer at 22, but if you ask mum she'll tell you her sister only got cancer because her husband slept around before they married Hmm

She knows my appt is Friday and she seems to be ramping up the bullshit factor this week. I'm sick of it. She is driving me batshit crazy, but I can't just ignore her. Despite her fucking ludicrous views on vaccines (and religion, abortion, gay people etc) she is my mum and she is lonely. DDad died 4 years ago and she is still struggling.

AIBU to be sick of it though? I'm a fucking adult woman, married with 2 children. It's not her job to control what I do with my body anymore.

What can my stock phrases be? I've tried 'I don't want to talk about this mum' but she replies 'no let me just say this....' and then fucking continues. I'm almost at the point of resorting to 'you're breaking up mum, signal's not great.... Hello?!' and then hanging up.

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 25/09/2019 18:21

This is actually really made me sad. Your daughter is learning that her feelings are less important than your mothers. So if you want make changes for yourself, make changes for your daughter

MissConductUS · 25/09/2019 18:41

There is a move to immunise schoolboys, too, which I approve.

My son got his HPV vaccination in the US in 2014. I'm a bit surprised you're not offering them to boys now in the UK.

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 25/09/2019 18:46

All year 8 boys will receive the HPV vaccine from this academic year.

EmAreSea · 25/09/2019 20:08

Bit of Christmas present inspiration for you OP Grin

My bloody anti-vax mother is driving me crackers
MissConductUS · 25/09/2019 20:21

That's brilliant EmAreSea. Grin

Original poster
Mitebiteatnite · 26/09/2019 08:34

EmAreSea that's a brilliant idea!

What I definitely won't be telling my mum is that I feel like I've been hit by a bus today. The nurse said I'd probably feel 'pretty rough' if I had all 3 done in one go, but that it's better than stretching them out and feeling a bit rough for over a week. I'm so glad I haven't got to go to work Blush

OP posts:
Inebriati · 26/09/2019 13:09

Did you google Fear, Obligation, Guilt?

UltimateIrritant · 26/09/2019 13:49

For anyone that's interested, there's an interesting looking programme on BBC2 tonight at 9.00
"It examines the arguments of those who campaign against vaccines, looks at alleged conspiracies and examines why their claims appeal and who they may benefit"

NikkiDawn · 30/09/2019 20:20

My Mum is anti-vaccine and brings it up all the time, it's because my big sister got a muscle-wasting autoimmune disease which was caused by a vaccine. Since then my Mum has made it her life mission, especially after my eventually sister died.

JustDanceAddict · 30/09/2019 20:29

I was also not vaccinated as a child. I wasn’t immune to Rubella either when pregnant and got the vax when dd was born. I have had a few vaccinations as an adult but not all. I had whooping cough when I was 9ish - it was horrific. I remember it well and have terrible coughing fits now when I get a cough so I sympathise ok the mumps front.
I would either a) let your DM rant but ignore. I do that with MIL as she talks shite most of the time or b) say that you’re the mum so you will make decisions for your DCs like she did w you and it’s none of her business.
Also Do you have to mention the vaccines at all?

CharityConundrum · 30/09/2019 22:19

Can you give her the choice? Tell her: 'I want to have you in my life and share the important things with you, but you suck the joy out of everything by being so relentlessly controlling, so I'm going to give you the choice - you can be involved and keep your thoughts to yourself, or the kids and I will stop telling you about the things we are doing because we don't want you to rain on our parades. You can't have it both ways, and I would rather you chose to be involved, but it cannot be all on your terms and I am not going to ask the kids to lie to you so if you can't respect our choices, the time you spend with them and me will be severely limited.'

No need for guilt - she's an adult and she can understand what she's doing is driving a wedge, so if she continues to ride roughshod over all your feelings then you will know that it was more important to her to be right than to be part of your family.

oldstarkfarm · 08/10/2019 22:38

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Shessobrave · 08/10/2019 22:50

@Mitebiteatnite Any update OP?

Cherrysoup · 08/10/2019 22:52

Maybe you should write a load of stuff on your calendar specifically to wind her up so that she can't tell what's genuine and what isn't - e.g. "Bungee jumping", "Trip to moon", "Minesweeping", "Everest climb", "Drugs trial" etc.

Pmsl, @Tonnere! Superbe!

She sounds like my mum when she used to bang on about grandchildren (never managed to have a child). I eventually told her it was bloody rude of her, it was none of her business and how dare she ask me about it. It fortunately shut her up.

bluebluezoo · 08/10/2019 22:59

I do feel angry at her sometimes. I feel angry that her decision to sterilise everything I touched until I started school is probably why I have severe asthma and 14 different allergies as an adult. I feel angry that she never had me vaccinated, that I was never allowed on school trips that involved even a tiny element of risk because she was so frightened I would get hurt, that everytime I did hurt myself (and I'm talking a graze here) the thing that caused me to be injured was immediately off limits

This is not a normal level of paranoia. Did she lose a child before you? Does she show other signs of MH issues?

Sounds like she needs help.

Gmorgan920 · 12/10/2019 07:22

Unless advised due to medical terms vaccinations are important to keep on top of dreadful diseases. We cannot put future generations at risk. Even if we think it's a slight risk to our own children. The problem is some children will get sick after vaccines and some will have allergic reactions but we have a duty as humans to fight these diseases together it's not just about our children.

BigBass1980 · 23/07/2020 01:33

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EKGEMS · 23/07/2020 02:08

BigBass1980 And what can we can blame your affliction on? You're suffering with terminal stupidity to post what you just did

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