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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bloody anti-vax mother is driving me crackers

93 replies

Mitebiteatnite · 25/09/2019 10:12

This is a bit of a long-winded rant. I know you were expecting this to be a post written by a teen, but no. I am 33. I had no vaccines as a child, until I was at secondary school and worked out I could forge my mums signature Blush.

When I was pregnant with DD they told me I wasn't rubella immune and I had my MMR straight after she was born, and a subsequent booster dose since then. I've been really unwell for the last few years, I have asthma, have had frequent chest infections and pneumonia 3 times. The respiratory consultant did bloods and they showed my anti-pneumococcal and anti-Hib serology were low, which could be why I've had pneumonia a few times. She wants me to have most of the vaccines I would have had as a baby/toddler, and I'm happy to do that. The appt is booked for this week.

But my mother, ohhhhhh my mother. Constantly calling to lecture me about how vaccines are soooo unnecessary and they're just a money making measure, she worked in a surgery you know and they get paid for every vaccine they give. She tells me time and time again about the way my nephews leg swelled up after he had his jabs as a baby and how sure she is that's what caused his autism Hmm. Note, she ignores all questions about how my DDad managed to 'get' autism without ever having had a vaccine of any kind. DD is due to have her cervical cancer jab next year so I can't wait to see what fear mongering she'll come up with then. Her sister died of cervical cancer at 22, but if you ask mum she'll tell you her sister only got cancer because her husband slept around before they married Hmm

She knows my appt is Friday and she seems to be ramping up the bullshit factor this week. I'm sick of it. She is driving me batshit crazy, but I can't just ignore her. Despite her fucking ludicrous views on vaccines (and religion, abortion, gay people etc) she is my mum and she is lonely. DDad died 4 years ago and she is still struggling.

AIBU to be sick of it though? I'm a fucking adult woman, married with 2 children. It's not her job to control what I do with my body anymore.

What can my stock phrases be? I've tried 'I don't want to talk about this mum' but she replies 'no let me just say this....' and then fucking continues. I'm almost at the point of resorting to 'you're breaking up mum, signal's not great.... Hello?!' and then hanging up.

OP posts:
BarbaraStrozzi · 25/09/2019 11:16

You have to hang up/walk out on the conversation, every time. This needn't necessarily lead to no contact.

It's the advice I was given by an excellent counsellor many years back, in connection with my mother (who was suffering from paranoid delusions and wanted to dictate who I could and couldn't be friends with depending on whether she'd arbitrarily decided they were part of the global conspiracy out to get her). His advice was " ultimately, she does love you and psychologically cannot cut herself off from you - so stand your ground. Make it a straight choice between you or her delusions."

I did - point blank ultimatum: "I am an adult and if you force me to choose between you and my friends, for the sake of my own psychological well-being, I will have to choose my friends. So don't force me to make that choice."

Cue epic, earth shattering row and complete meltdown. But he was right. It worked. My mum did come round to gritting her teeth and not mentioning that she thought my friends were conspiring against her.

(NB mental health issues aside my mum was a kind, interesting and very shrewd person - she just had bonkers episodes from time to time, for reasons too lengthy to go into.)

montenuit · 25/09/2019 11:23

I'd go two pronged

  1. turn the tables on her "i forgive you for not vaccinating me even though it has left me with health issues i am now dealing with"
  2. stop mentioning anything to do with vaccinating the kids to her! why would you?
Drum2018 · 25/09/2019 11:32

It's okay Mum I forgive you for taking such enormous risks with my life

Perfect response when she starts wittering on. And don't tell her anything further about your kids vaccinations. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. If she asks just say she needn't worry about whether your kids are vaccinated or not, that's your job. And absolutely hang up every time she tries to hound you about it.

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 25/09/2019 11:33

She is driving me batshit crazy, but I can't just ignore her.

You really can - on this issue at least. Give her a final warning that you will hang up every time she attempts to raise this topic, mean it, and if necessary do it.

Weathergirl1 · 25/09/2019 11:34

@Areyoufree you didn't have MMR as a child because it wasn't introduced until later. I'm a few years younger than you and didn't have it either. I did however have separate measles jabs as a baby/child and then rubella before I went to secondary school (which was only given to girls). Mumps wasn't vaccinated against then (I had it age 5 and passed it on to my DM and DGM who hadn't had it as children, DF and DGF were already immune).

yellowallpaper · 25/09/2019 11:37

Just tell her the gp had a cancellation, and did all your vaccinations so it's a done deal, end of.

EmilyStar · 25/09/2019 11:42

@Areyoufree

The MMR vaccine wasn’t introduced in the UK until 1988, when it was added to the routine vaccination program for infants and toddlers, so if you’re 41 you probably would have missed out on it due to being older than a toddler when it was introduced, regardless of your parents views on vaccinations.

I believe separate measles and rubella vaccinations were still routinely offered before the MMR was introduced, but not mumps vaccinations.

EmilyStar · 25/09/2019 11:45

OP I think the only thing you can do is shut the conversation down whenever she brings it up.

Tell her you’re not talking about it anymore, you’ll hang up / walk away if she tries to bring it up again, and follow through. She’s clearly not wiling to listen to reason on this issue.

KUGA · 25/09/2019 11:47

Simple .
MY CHILD MY CHOICE.

deanfergi · 25/09/2019 11:58

go2.thetruthaboutvaccines.com/docuseries/episode-1/# ...intetresting...x

valleysareus · 25/09/2019 12:03

I would block her until after your appointment on Friday it's only two days. Then I wouldn't mention about any vaccines you and the kids have to her again.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 25/09/2019 12:04

Truth about vaccines or just made up bullshit? The comments alone have put me off.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 25/09/2019 12:14

Do what some doctor did in the states when trying to reason with an antivaxxer –told them he'd heard that the antivax movement was actually started in Russia as a way to weaken the population in the west Grin. Apparently the patient bought it! This could be Twitter lore, but it made me chuckle; meet their conspiracy theory with one from the opposite perspective.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/09/2019 12:17

Exactly what @FizzyGreenWater said... I think it is also troubling that there is an element of emotional blackmail going on here.. making it difficult to get on with your life. Eg.. It seems as if you think if you put your foot down and "disobey" her by doing the vaccine route, or not listening to all the crap.. that you are somehow leaving her alone and lonely. And that if you make a stand it means there is an unspoken threat that either she or you will have to go NC.
This is just not true. It does not have to be this drastic, but you have to take steps to protect your sanity. My mum did this to me all the time BTW so I know where you are coming from. She didn't listen to anything I said and had tantrums every time I did not follow her commands to the letter. You can't allow it and its coming to a head. Its good that it is on this issue where you can clearly see that she is completely wrong so that you can make a stand knowing that you are in the right.
You are an adult and have the right to make your own decisions and choices. Keep repeating that to her and then firmly shut the conversation down. Some good words advice on what to say on this thread. Good luck.
ps... you need to stop telling your mother every little detail of your life, difficult if she keeps asking I know, but every time you do this it is a bit like asking for her approval or permission at least it seems she sees it that way.
Plan what you want to do, schedule it and just do it. have a mechanism for shutting these conversations down and replacing them with less contraversial ones.

Original poster
Mitebiteatnite · 25/09/2019 12:19

I just went for my 6 weekly check-up with the asthma nurse and she said 'why are you booked in Friday? Let's get it out of the way now' Blush

So I've just had my Hib (which stung like a motherfucker) pneumococcal and flu jab all in one go. Prepared to feel like crap for a few days, but also glad it's all out of the way and now when mother rings this afternoon for her daily lecture, I can say 'all done mum, no problems thanks'. I won't tell her the nurse thinks I should have dtap and whooping cough next month Blush.

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 25/09/2019 12:19

You know your mum is hard work, especially on this subject. Yet, you chose to share this with her. Why?

You should be able to count on her support, but you know you can’t. I’m sorry for that, but you need to stop telling her things.

As an aside, you know her loneliness isn’t your fault or responsibility, right?

LovePoppy · 25/09/2019 12:21

If you insist on sharing and she starts criticizing, seriously, warn her once, then put down the phone. Do it every time.

Original poster
Mitebiteatnite · 25/09/2019 12:22

I do know that I need to stop telling her everything, but I just feel the most unimaginable guilt. I know I shouldn't but we moved to a completely different county last year and she keeps telling me how much she misses us all. I don't think she means to make me feel guilty, and I know there are people who are well able to detach from that. But I can't do it. I need to learn, and I appreciate I need to start now.

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 25/09/2019 12:22

Just read you’ve had them done. Why tell your mother at all? Seriously, why?

LovePoppy · 25/09/2019 12:23

OP, she has conditioned you to feel guilty. You feel guilt because she wants you to. She knows she’s doing it.

Inebriati · 25/09/2019 12:23

I can't just ignore her

Yes you can. Part of becoming an adult is to be less dependent on your parents. You don't love them any less, you just manage your own life like an adult without needing to refer to them.

There's a website called 'out of the FOG', FOG is about the 3 controlling emotions - fear, obligation, guilt. Have a read of that and see if any of it rings true for you. then look at the grey rock method.

zafferana · 25/09/2019 12:26

Why are you telling your DM about things that a) wind her up and b) give her free reign to lecture you endlessly? FGS just stop telling her this stuff. Don't tell her that your DD is getting her jab next year, just quietly get it done. You're asking for trouble by discussing things with her that you know she's going to go batshit about!

FWIW I cannot discuss Brexit with my DM. She is a staunch Brexiteer and my voting Remain has really come between us. The only thing we can do is avoid all talk about it. It's still there, the proverbial elephant in the room, but if we don't discuss it then at least it doesn't cause arguments. In the past I've had to say 'DM we can't discuss this and stay friends, so let's just talk about something else'. If you refuse to engage and say 'I'm putting the phone down now DM' when she starts ranting, you can put a stop to this interference.

Stiltons · 25/09/2019 12:32

Why does she even know about the vaccinations? Just don't tell her.

HJWT · 25/09/2019 12:36

Why bothered telling her in the first place if you know what she will say? Confused

dangermouseisace · 25/09/2019 12:41

You have been seriously unwell over the past few years, and Drs have suggested vaccination to try and avoid you getting seriously unwell again. And your mum is STILL banging on with anti-vax shite? If that was me I would not be feeling guilty....I’d be raging. She’s not happy that you’ve moved away, and she’s not happy that you are trying to protect your health in a way she disagrees with. It’s not your job to keep her happy, at a detriment to your and your family’s wellbeing.