AIBU stag do adding to debt

[Worriedmama84]

Need to know if I’m being a bit silly about this

Husband and I been together for 10 years, have 2 girls (aged 7&3) husband earns okay salary, I’ve set myself up as a part time cleaner in order to work around our girls... we ‘get by’ but like most people each month can feel like a struggle. It’s fair to say we have some mounting, yet semi manageable debt which has recently been consolidated into a 12k bank loan (this was caused by solicitors fees for moving house, broken cars, home repairs, etc) My mum is incredibly generous and tends to buy our kids things they need (uniform, new clothes, school stuff, etc) she even ‘lent’ us £1500 to get a new car recently - she won’t ask for it back.
Husband goes to the pub about once a week with friends, I go out very rarely (happily so, as I’m boring these days) and I I ever do venture out it’s with husband. We don’t go to the cinema, or spend money on holidays, etc - any ‘spare’ money is spent on the girls and stuff to do as a family.

Husbands best friend (who lives 100 miles away) is getting married next July and wants a stag do abroad.. looking at costs for hotels, flights, excursions, beer, etc, I can’t see this costing my husband any less than £600 for 3 nights. Now; it’s not the stag do that I object to, I trust my husband and would have no issue about him going if it didn’t mean the following; 1.) cost of trip would need to be covered by increasing our bank loan as we just don’t have spare money each month 2.) we didn’t have a holiday away as a family this year as husband had another (U.K. based) stag weekend that he went on 3.) no family holiday for us next year either 4.) awkwardness with my mum who financially supports us at times who will feel miffed I’d husband spends excessive amount on stag weekend (these men are all

So, I’m annoyed. And hurt that husband doesn’t see a problem... isn’t it mad to get into further debt and deny things from your family in order to go on a stag weekend?!

Fuck enabling this form of cuntery by organising his trip. It's sad, but some people really do bring their own financial misfortune upon themselves by continuing to go along with or actively live beyond their means and well, assisting in this is like helping a gambler place more bets.

He saves and pays for it himself or doesn't go, and if that means he has to make personal sacrifices then so be it.

I mean, if he didn't go to the pub once a week then that beer money could be put away for the stag do.....

Truly outrageous that he should expect you even to organize the trip for him! Please don't.

Yanbu!! I just don’t understand why stag and hen nights (and weddings) these days need to be so extravagant and cost so much money; not just for the happy couple but also for the guests

I would lose any sympathy I had for you if you go ahead and book the trip for him.

I think his age is a very small stick to beat him with. You're never too old to enjoy yourself. The reasons he shouldn't go are that the family don't have a pot to piss on, and presumably the OP will be left caring for the daughters and never get the chance to have a break herself.

Leeds2 that’s a bit unfair. The OP is in a difficult position.

And the trouble is, if the DH is shit and disorganised it isn’t that the trip wouldn’t go ahead, it’s that the flights & accommodation would all be booked last minute at vastly increased prices; probably with the DH having to stump up all the money upfront because there’s always crap people that insist they’ll transfer money ASAP and need to be reminded 50 times.

The OP really should put her foot down and say no; but ultimately if her DH pushes forward anyway I can see how she’d feel like she should at least control the cost as much as possible by organising it and getting the best deals etc.

Again, it absolutely shouldn’t happen; but I don’t think the OP deserves vilifying if it goes ahead regardless.

What a tosser! I’ve missed two hen do’s because I couldn’t afford to go abroad. Shit happens, you survive and take your responsibilities seriously. I agree with above, he needs to be told how selfish he is.

Eugh OP he should not be going on this stag do. First of all it’s a smack in the face of your generous mum, if I were her I would stop with immediate effect giving any extra help. 12k of debt needs conquering before it becomes 20k and a divorce!

Secondly his best mate whose stag it is should be considerate of his guests financial ability to go on such an excessive do.

It’s such a crass thing to do nowadays these long weekend stag and hen do’s. So excessive and unnecessary. The financial burden of a wedding will be difficult enough for you next year, getting outfits for you all and no doubt paying for accommodation at the wedding plus gifts etc.

I’m borderline hesitant to encrouage him to save for it himself when in reality he should be paying back his MIL or at least chipping away at the debt pile you have amassed.

The OP is in a difficult position.

No, they are, they're in a huge amount of debt that he wants to add to on top of using her as his own personal Thomas Cook rep. He won't be able to extend the loan amount once it's agreed so if his costs go up he won't be able to gather up the money and it'll just be too bad.

I have zero sympathy, too, for anyone who'd sign on the dotted line to increase a loan amount for one of them to go on a poxy stag do whilst taking money from her ma to put clothes on her kids' backs, much less then do donkey work for such a selfish twat of a spouse.

timshelthechoice So the answer is, what? Drive the OP off so she’s too ashamed to post back here for support when she’s even further in the shit?

I'd be more concerned that he'd bomb £600 on three days but can't afford his children's school uniform. £12k is massive. He needs to get himself into serious mode and when DD turns 4 you need full time work

It's not fair to give OP a hard time about organising the trip. If her DH is insisting on it & is rubbish at organising then OP organising it early and in a way that gets the best deals is the best way to mitigate the expense of it.

But there should be no trip because the family cannot afford it. What a deeply selfish man.

So not all people at 40 have been married before to all the PP. Myself and my partner haven't. Just because you are older you don't have to stop enjoying yourself. For some reason some on here think once you hit 25 you have to stay home and never venture out again as you are too old.

I don't disagree with stag do's and holidays as such but in this case they can't afford it and have other important things to spend their money on and the husband is being selfish.

OP go read the debt forums on money savings experts and see how easy it is to spiral a manageable debt. Also good for managing debt and budget advice. If you consolidated credit cards which is generally not advised as you just then can spend on the cards against it sounds like your partner would do this to get his way. Please make sure they are cut up/cancelled. I've been there done it and now don't have any credit it's just too tempting.

Don't be a mug

OP the fact that you haven't returned is giving me a horrible feeling that you've agreed he can go.

A massive no. Nooooo! His friend should understand.

Since when did stag nights become overseas holidays? What happened to a few rounds in the local pub? Is this normal in the UK now?

I think it’s irresponsible to spend that kind of money on nothing more than a three-day drinking binge when you are already in substantial debt, receiving financial help from your mother and struggling each month. If I were your mother and had given you £1500 to buy a car and was helping with the expenses of the children and then saw him swanning off on a £600 drinking spree I’d not be very impressed. With that money, all 4 of you could get a little holiday in the UK in a caravan park or something.

@40BritWifeinUSA it's becoming increasingly more common, the same with hen dos too. It's a stupid thing to do and they all seem to end up in some sort of trouble. Someone will cheat on their partner, get arrested, get in a fight etc.

This sort of thing boils my piss! Because it is so blatantly unreasonable but men like this double down and force you into a corner where you have to be the bad guy/their conscience/the adult/et cetera.

He knows he’s being ridiculous about this but he’s made you take on the bad guy role.

I'm with you. You can't afford it. Your mum should not have to ask for the £1500 she lent you for the car back. You should give it back without her asking when you can - and until you've done so you can't afford £600 on a holiday/stag do. If the stag is reasonable he will understand. If he isn't, it doesn't matter what he thinks.

I can sympathize massively with your situation. We mostly live month to month as well. As a result we've had to turn down various stag/hen/wedding events over the years whilst we clear debt. And if attending such an event will mean no family holiday then we choose family holiday every time. Good friends should understand and not take issue with it.