AIBU stag do adding to debt

[Worriedmama84]

Need to know if I’m being a bit silly about this

Husband and I been together for 10 years, have 2 girls (aged 7&3) husband earns okay salary, I’ve set myself up as a part time cleaner in order to work around our girls... we ‘get by’ but like most people each month can feel like a struggle. It’s fair to say we have some mounting, yet semi manageable debt which has recently been consolidated into a 12k bank loan (this was caused by solicitors fees for moving house, broken cars, home repairs, etc) My mum is incredibly generous and tends to buy our kids things they need (uniform, new clothes, school stuff, etc) she even ‘lent’ us £1500 to get a new car recently - she won’t ask for it back.
Husband goes to the pub about once a week with friends, I go out very rarely (happily so, as I’m boring these days) and I I ever do venture out it’s with husband. We don’t go to the cinema, or spend money on holidays, etc - any ‘spare’ money is spent on the girls and stuff to do as a family.

Husbands best friend (who lives 100 miles away) is getting married next July and wants a stag do abroad.. looking at costs for hotels, flights, excursions, beer, etc, I can’t see this costing my husband any less than £600 for 3 nights. Now; it’s not the stag do that I object to, I trust my husband and would have no issue about him going if it didn’t mean the following; 1.) cost of trip would need to be covered by increasing our bank loan as we just don’t have spare money each month 2.) we didn’t have a holiday away as a family this year as husband had another (U.K. based) stag weekend that he went on 3.) no family holiday for us next year either 4.) awkwardness with my mum who financially supports us at times who will feel miffed I’d husband spends excessive amount on stag weekend (these men are all

So, I’m annoyed. And hurt that husband doesn’t see a problem... isn’t it mad to get into further debt and deny things from your family in order to go on a stag weekend?!

Does he manage to look your dm in the eye at all?
She is raising his dc while he drinks your cash.
Last blast you say?
Have you had a first?
Tell him to get a one way ticket.

I real hate the expectation that people will drop £100s/£1000s on a hen/stag do, I wish this trend would stop.

I am convinced that half the people there don't actually want to attend, but feel duty bound.

I blame social media personally.

To me this would be a deal breaker if he went as it is completely irresponsible and disrespectful of the financial help you receive from your mum.

As pp point out, you are not making ends meet at the moment with the handouts you get from your mother for the kids clothes and buying you a car.

Tbh if I were him I'd be embarrassed about spending presumably £20-30 a week down the pub whilst his mil buys his kids clothes.

He mustn't go to the stag do under any circumstances, and only he should go to the wedding rather than you all pay to go. It might be an 'honour' to be best m as n but family comes first and you can't afford it, he can still be best man without attending a stag do abroad.

Paying £236 on a 12k loan is going to take years. I think one of you needs to take weekend work until it's paid off so you can get out of this situation. Tell him once the debt is paid off you can talk about more extravagant things but until it is £600 on a stag do is inconceivable.

If me and DP were in this scenario then I would expect him to save for it himself without really impacting on the families money each month, or he doesn’t go.
If he insists on going then I would expect him to speak to your mum about setting up a monthly repayment plan with her. He can’t be going on expensive stag dos and then never pay your mum any of the money back she’s lent you both.

Please tell me that you at least have a solid plan for paying off the debt quickly once you’re back at work, OP? With careful budgeting, you can even probably pay off the debt quickly and still have enough for treats and trips for the family.

It doesn’t sound like your DH is at all interested in budgeting though, and you seem happy to enable his selfish behaviour.

I disagree with the posters saying he should get extra work to pay for it - all that means is that you do extra childcare plus probably other stuff to pick up the slack. Unless of course he gets extra work during his usual pub time and foregos that
But the bottom line is that you can’t afford it. It’s a want not a need and as a family you can’t even meet your needs
Do not back down or in 5 years time you will be bankrupt, divorced and living with your mum

If me and DP were in this scenario then I would expect him to save for it himself without really impacting on the families money each month, or he doesn’t go

When you're in debt this is not possible. Any spare money should be spent paying off what you owe. If I was the OP then I'd actually be going ballistic.

How dare he even consider this when he can't even provide for his children? And how can any self respecting man allow his MIL to 'lend' him £1,500, fully expecting to never pay it back.

Your mother should be (rightfully) disgusted and furious that having had to “lend” you £1500 he is going to piss £600 (and the rest) up the wall on a stag do.
You should be furious he’s treating your generous mother this way. Honestly, him demanding to go on this trip would be an absolute deal breaker. His selfishness is embarrassing.

It’s also not going to be £600 is it OP? If you’re adding it into the loan depending on the interest it could easily cost you double that by the time you’ve paid it back.

Seriously. If you’re going to do it (and I think we all know it’s going to happen) at least put it on a 0% interest credit card and set up an immediate regular payment to pay it down.

He shouldn't go, that's obvious but I also think that you need to look at full time work, well at least 25 hours a week now your youngest is 3 and would get 30 free hours of nursery, it can take a few weeks to get a decent job and by this time next year she's in school. Being at home is not financially feasible for most families these days

I think this is exactly how debt spirals happen. You start off with a bit of debt and you think it's manageable, so you add a bit more, then you have a bad few months, but you're not worried because you know some good months are coming up, but they don't happen and you have a really bad month and suddenly you're lying awake at night because you are utterly out of your depth and panicking.

You are not living within your means now. You say the debt is manageable, but you are already not managing without help from your mum. And now you are thinking about adding to the debt. And I know you are not really worried because you're planning on going back to work full time, but you have no idea what your financial situation will be like then. Childcare for two kids is very expensive.

I'm not being mean to you, but I think your situation is not manageable. I think you are both kind of in denial about how precarious a situation you are in.

I also think you are in denial that this will be the last hoorah for him. What about the stag do last year? There will be anther stag do or boy's weekend away or some other event with the lads he just has to attend next year as well.

Anyway, there are tons of resources out there to help you. I hope you think about it and get a bit more real about your situation. Good luck!

We've had a lot of weddings this year. One of which my husband was an usher. He didn't go on the main Stag Do as it was looking at about £1000 for the whole weekend factoring in drinks, outfits etc. We don't have that sort of money lying around and it would've meant we wouldn't of been able to have a family holiday.

I don't think it's ok to add that to debt for a weekend away!

Sorry, but your dh seems spoilt and immature. He only considers his needs, not his family obligations.

I suspect your dm feels sorry for her dd (you) and tries to ease things for you, but I expect, she is quietly taken aback by your dh spending money on himself instead of the family (pub).

Tell your dh that we would all want to live as if money wasn't a problem, but he needs to get his priorities straight. 1. Family then other things.

He is a grown man, don't you dare arrange his expensive play dates for him as well.

JFC what a selfish manchild! They're in their 40s and having a 'stag' do abroad like a bunch of 20-something lads, that's pathetic, which marriage is this, his 2nd, 3rd?

This is pathetic even in your 20s tbh. Cringe!

No way, OP. He has to say no.

Can he cut out all pub visits and his own treats to fund it, and pay your mum back (he needs to do both!). No way would I be adding to your debt to fund it. Saving up might be good experience for him too.

What Dryne said. He's nearly 40. How many of these 'do's are there? Those are what happens in your peer group when you are on your first marriage with no kids.

And the arranging for him, too?

Last bow out, bullshit, he's drinking down the pub every week. A tenner my arse. They buy rounds, say £3/pint, with his MIL putting the clothes on his kids' back? How fucking shameful.

'Honoured', gimme a break. How many times has this bloke been married if he's 40ish?

Your H is selfish, immature and a manchild.

There is zero way in hell I'd sign to borrow more money for this. 'If your friends are that important to you, more important than your family, the roof over their heads and clothes on their backs, then maybe you should go and live with your friends.'

I'd go back to work FT. This deal isn't working anymore because you're not living within your means and there's just too much debt.

He is trying to be stubborn to force his way. That would fuck me off rather than make me anxious because the fact your ma is having to provide essentials is embarrassing AF.

This will cost a fortune and, no holidays with his wife and kids?

I get having friends is important, I love my friends, but man, they understand when I say, 'Can't afford it this time'.

The hell he'll be giving up his treats to fund it, either, he feels entitled to to this. The ol' I work hard, I deserve it mentality. Hey, that's life! Especially when you decide to have kids.

Your husband is a total dick and a pisstaker.

Add up those nights at the pub every week, too.

And you'd be the one organising it, because in addition to being a twatty little user he's also so adorably useless at everything, ho ho - how ironic - funny not funny.

I would seriously put my foot down OP. Your family money belongs to the family. He should not be going to the pub while your mum is buying basic things for the kids. He needs to man up and take responsibility. Unless he raises his own cash (and this trip is going to cost him £800 plus, in all likelihood) then he absolutely cannot go. This will be devastating for your family if you do not stop adding to your debts right now. I wouldn’t care what kind of row it causes. Tell him it’s a no and that’s final. Let him sulk as much as he wants, (he is a child after all) and he will get over it.

Erm no you dont origanise it you have nothng to do with it and think what you want from your future with this man

they all say its the last time hes already been on 3 stag dos in a year

Husband essentially says “what can I do? He’s my best mate and he wants to go abroad?!”

And you answer to that should be "yeah, funny that, I'd like to go abroad too and I'm your WIFE, but you don't seem to be bothered about letting me down!"

There really isn't anything to fight about, as things stand there is no money for this trip.
I would just keep repeating this to your DH.
It isn't a decision you are making it is a decision made by your bank balance.

He needs to be adult enough to explain this to his best friend.
Why would you even think of sorting out a trip for your DH there is no money for?

I would definitely not increase the bank loan, no chance.

As others have said, he's welcome to go if he puts the money aside himself, it shouldn't impact the rest of the family.

OP, do have have rough dates they’re looking at? I’m just thinking, it’s honestly looking like you’re going to end up letting this happen; so at least let us help you keep the costs down.

Irony is; husband is shit at organising and sorting things, so I’m the one whose gonna have to arrange this bastard thing if they go...
So you're still choosing to enable this lazy fuckwit?
You choose to enable HIM to live and do exactly as he pleases to the detriment of you and the dc?