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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU stag do adding to debt

122 replies

Worriedmama84 · 24/09/2019 22:05

Need to know if I’m being a bit silly about this

Husband and I been together for 10 years, have 2 girls (aged 7&3) husband earns okay salary, I’ve set myself up as a part time cleaner in order to work around our girls... we ‘get by’ but like most people each month can feel like a struggle. It’s fair to say we have some mounting, yet semi manageable debt which has recently been consolidated into a 12k bank loan (this was caused by solicitors fees for moving house, broken cars, home repairs, etc) My mum is incredibly generous and tends to buy our kids things they need (uniform, new clothes, school stuff, etc) she even ‘lent’ us £1500 to get a new car recently - she won’t ask for it back.
Husband goes to the pub about once a week with friends, I go out very rarely (happily so, as I’m boring these days) and I I ever do venture out it’s with husband. We don’t go to the cinema, or spend money on holidays, etc - any ‘spare’ money is spent on the girls and stuff to do as a family.

Husbands best friend (who lives 100 miles away) is getting married next July and wants a stag do abroad.. looking at costs for hotels, flights, excursions, beer, etc, I can’t see this costing my husband any less than £600 for 3 nights. Now; it’s not the stag do that I object to, I trust my husband and would have no issue about him going if it didn’t mean the following; 1.) cost of trip would need to be covered by increasing our bank loan as we just don’t have spare money each month 2.) we didn’t have a holiday away as a family this year as husband had another (U.K. based) stag weekend that he went on 3.) no family holiday for us next year either 4.) awkwardness with my mum who financially supports us at times who will feel miffed I’d husband spends excessive amount on stag weekend (these men are all

So, I’m annoyed. And hurt that husband doesn’t see a problem... isn’t it mad to get into further debt and deny things from your family in order to go on a stag weekend?!

OP posts:
GoBrookeYourself · 25/09/2019 03:31

Nope, YANBU, in the slightest. If I’m honest I can’t believe after knowing you as a family sacrificed a holiday so he could go on a stag do this year, he’s willing to do it again. My DH would feel guilty if this were the case and insist he wasn’t going anyway- I’d be cross at him for that alone.

Definitely don’t increase your bank loan and, if he must go, he can save for it himself- get a second job, overtime, cutting down in other areas etc. But, if I was in your position, I think he should be helping make sure you get a family holiday next year instead even if he does manage to save it up, as he’s the reason you didn’t get one last time.

I too don’t understand this 3 day stag do/hen do thing- DH has just been on one and I don’t see why everything they did, they couldn’t do here and save a lot of money!

Jent13c · 25/09/2019 04:04

I would be exercising extreme caution in your current situation in all honesty. Theres obviously limited information included re income/expenditure/assets and libililities however it sounds like the majority of your debt consolidation loan was for debt accrued from day to day/rainy day spending which suggests either your income vs outgoings are pretty tight. I would imagine that if you had much equity the bank would have advised taking the 12k loan from your mortgage rather than an unsecured personal loan.

Would you have any affordability to increase the loan? I'm guessing it's quite a new loan, as a previous banking adviser it would make me pretty uncomfortable if I did a 12k debt recon loan only to be asked say 6 months later for a further increase. It would make me think that you were struggling to pay your bills. He cannot afford this holiday, you need to save up a £1000 emergency fund then start chucking every extra penny into the loan. If he lost his job how would you make those payments? He has a family to think about and needs to see this loan as a fresh start to get back to £0 rather than freeing up some space to spend more.

meccacos2 · 25/09/2019 04:26

Of course he can go if he can find the money without increasing debt.

He can get a second job to pay for it and then keep that second job to pay off the £12k debt which you want cleared in a year so you can save up your own holiday.

He needs to pay £230+ a week to clear it in that time. If the stag do is in a month then there is plenty of time to put the money together with a second job. A second job he keeps for an entire year to clear the debt.

Once the debt is cleared, leave him. Your mother is financially supporting your family because your husband is failing to provide.

Added to this he wants to go overseas drinking with his friend while you clean other peoples houses to make ends meet??

It doesn’t work like that.

poppycity · 25/09/2019 04:32

No way. Really no way. Unless he funds it by selling something or extra work but honestly even then that money should buy your family what it needs so your Mum doesn't have to. Seems wrong to have Granny pay for a car and school uniforms while he has a jolly!

snitzelvoncrumb · 25/09/2019 05:03

Can you stop him adding it to the loan?

joyceTempleSavage · 25/09/2019 05:23

Your mother is financially supporting your family because your husband is failing to provide

Added to this he wants to go overseas drinking with his friend while you clean other peoples houses to make ends meet

The OP needs to GET A PROPER JOB it’s not the 1950s. A bit of part time cleaning is not going to dent a £12k debt

Beautiful3 · 25/09/2019 05:40

No way. He needs to say I'm sorry I cant afford it. We ll have local one when you get back. That's crazy to increase your debt for some one else's stagg do?!?! Unless he works overtime to raise the money himself?

Shoxfordian · 25/09/2019 05:46

It doesn't seem like he wants to say no to his mate although he's happy telling his children that he can't take them on holiday. Not good

Pinkyyy · 25/09/2019 06:01

Your husband is a huge, selfish CF. I agree that 12k is a lot of debt and you should be completely prioritising clearing it. Is there any reason you can't work more?

BlackCatSleeping · 25/09/2019 06:01

It’s easy to say the OP needs to work full time, but with young kids you can easily end up spending more on childcare than you make, especially with summer holidays and it’s stressful taking time off when the kids are sick. You can make a fair bit from cleaning, but, yes, I agree, the DH probably just doesn’t want to say no to his mate.

myself2020 · 25/09/2019 06:08

12k in your situation (13.5k really) is a crippling debt in your situation. you both need to stop ALL unnecessary spending and start earning more (ironing etc for you maybe?, second job for him).if you continue lime this (stagdo plus wedding:easy another 1k), you will loose everything very soon.
Sorry to be so negative, but your are in incredibly deep sh*t already.

myself2020 · 25/09/2019 06:17

OP, please have a look at the fror on moneysavingexpert, there are loads of people in your situation and they can support you and recommend how to make saving. please don’t bury your head in the sand

Lowlandlucky · 25/09/2019 06:43

He is being a selfish Git

Bouffalant · 25/09/2019 06:46

Can he get overtime?

Do some weekend work?

BlackCatSleeping · 25/09/2019 07:03

I do agree that perhaps it's time to be a bit stricter about finances and budgets. I'd start by writing down all your spending and getting to grips as to where your money is going. Then, look at how much money you are wasting and where you can trim things. I don't think anyone will tell you it's a good idea for him to go on this stag weekend.

Original poster
Worriedmama84 · 25/09/2019 07:19

Hi all, thank you for taking the time to reply and advise. Yep, 12k is a stupid amount to be in debt to. Until last month it was split across two separate credit cards (at 0% for 3 years) so we decided to consolidate it and have one monthly repayment of £260. This is manageable. I earn between £12-£15 as a cleaner as I clean for fairly wealthy oxford based academics (I also paint, carry out DIY, garden and organise ‘stuff’) I work about 15 hours per week - 3 year old only does 2.5 days in Preschool so my hours are based around her childcare, she’ll start school next September - when is when I’ll go back to my old job and start earning a bit more (albeit, start missing school stuff and incur some wrap around childcare costs) husband and I decided that it was important our kids to have someone at home until they both started school.

Husband is ‘honoured’ to be asked to be best man and knows groom wants this trip abroad... I’ve said all along that if it didn’t have the financial implications that it does, then I’d be fine about him going. He can get set in a mindset at times, where he is completely tunnelled to a decision and I fear no pragmatic nor sensible explanation will get through to him at the moment. He sees this trip as a last blow out with the lads and about 10 other guys are going (some with kids) so I guess he’s cabin into this peer pressure.
I think twice about all personal expenditure these days, buy whatever I can from the poundshop (love it there) and source loads of stuff from freecycle/freebie ads. I don’t begrudge this (enjoy it, even) but I feel like I’ve had a punch to the stomach when I consider the limitations and commitments we have when he seems so prepared and willing to do this...
We had huge row about this last night (and our arguments can last for days!) I feel anxious and nervous about lots of things now and not particularly motivated... I’ll try chatting things through when the dust settles. Irony is; husband is shit at organising and sorting things, so I’m the one whose gonna have to arrange this bastard thing if they go...

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 25/09/2019 07:21

If husband is shit at organising things then don't organise it for him, leave him to it and he may not even manage to book it

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/09/2019 07:25

I’d be furious too if I were your mum, if I was having to bail adult children out as well as pay for grandchildren’s essential needs and then a holiday was announced I would be cutting all support.

The stag do is the tip of the ice berg it seems. That much debt, part time working and no spare income to buy child essentials should have you both thinking how to change this not relying on others. Certainly no holidays of any kind.

magoria · 25/09/2019 07:29

Sit him down and bluntly tell him that other people are dressing your DC and you are buying from pound land to make end meets.

Who the fuck does he think he is that he can take so much from your family budget to piss up the wall and what would he like you and his DC to go without for his selfish life.

Also how much does he waste every week at the pub when you go without.

His priorities need to change.

Quartz2208 · 25/09/2019 07:29

Please don’t arrange this for him he needs to grow up. It’s sad and horrible that he can’t go it is but he can’t. Let him tantrum let him stress but he is an adult stop pandering to him like a child and letting him get away with it. Life sometimes is shit and you miss out but he can’t expect his family to make the sacrifice. Pride is stopping him saying he can’t afford it but he cant

And also sit down and budget and plan.

Pinkyyy · 25/09/2019 07:30

OP you need to be doing an awful lot more to clear this debt. There are some threads on here with amazing advice on things you can do to cut back. Have you been through all of your incomings and outgoings with a fine tooth comb? You need to be doing things like cancelling TV packages, changing phones to cheapest tariffs and meal planning. It comes across as though you really aren't all that worried about this debt.

Has he considered that you've got Christmas to pay for and that he would be spending money on this stag do instead of your children's Christmas?

BruceAndNosh · 25/09/2019 07:44

And the stag do will end up costing more than £600...

Dyrne · 25/09/2019 07:47

Is he not embarrassed?

I would be completely ashamed if my mother in law was having to step in to buy basics for my children; while I pissed away money on a jolly. £600 is a shit tonne of money - that could have paid for a UK holiday for the 4 of you for a week!

I could not be with such a disgustingly selfish man. At the moment he is blinded by 3 days where he might miss out on some fun - what about the weeks and weeks of fun that his own children are missing out on because Daddy wants to go get drunk?

I’m not one to think men should have no fun - and fair enough to spend £5-10 a week in the pub once a week; but going on Stag do’s (Plural!) while your own children miss out is absolutely appalling behaviour.

Sparadrap · 25/09/2019 07:53

And the stag do will end up costing more than £600

Yup, I was thinking this too. £600 before they get started.

Please for the love of god do not organise this for him!

myself2020 · 25/09/2019 07:59

@Worriedmama84 please visit the moneysavingexpert forum. £230 debt repayment (i assume over 5 years or so) and no savings (and no money left at the end of the month) is not sustainable. a broken boiler or you getting sick for a month or so is all it takes to make it unmanageable.
the stag do will cost more than £600 as well, and then there is the wedding that will be at similar cost....