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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU stag do adding to debt

122 replies

Worriedmama84 · 24/09/2019 22:05

Need to know if I’m being a bit silly about this

Husband and I been together for 10 years, have 2 girls (aged 7&3) husband earns okay salary, I’ve set myself up as a part time cleaner in order to work around our girls... we ‘get by’ but like most people each month can feel like a struggle. It’s fair to say we have some mounting, yet semi manageable debt which has recently been consolidated into a 12k bank loan (this was caused by solicitors fees for moving house, broken cars, home repairs, etc) My mum is incredibly generous and tends to buy our kids things they need (uniform, new clothes, school stuff, etc) she even ‘lent’ us £1500 to get a new car recently - she won’t ask for it back.
Husband goes to the pub about once a week with friends, I go out very rarely (happily so, as I’m boring these days) and I I ever do venture out it’s with husband. We don’t go to the cinema, or spend money on holidays, etc - any ‘spare’ money is spent on the girls and stuff to do as a family.

Husbands best friend (who lives 100 miles away) is getting married next July and wants a stag do abroad.. looking at costs for hotels, flights, excursions, beer, etc, I can’t see this costing my husband any less than £600 for 3 nights. Now; it’s not the stag do that I object to, I trust my husband and would have no issue about him going if it didn’t mean the following; 1.) cost of trip would need to be covered by increasing our bank loan as we just don’t have spare money each month 2.) we didn’t have a holiday away as a family this year as husband had another (U.K. based) stag weekend that he went on 3.) no family holiday for us next year either 4.) awkwardness with my mum who financially supports us at times who will feel miffed I’d husband spends excessive amount on stag weekend (these men are all

So, I’m annoyed. And hurt that husband doesn’t see a problem... isn’t it mad to get into further debt and deny things from your family in order to go on a stag weekend?!

OP posts:
whatateam · 24/09/2019 22:42

I can’t believe you owe your mum all that car money and he wants to borrow more to go on a piss up!

Quartz2208 · 24/09/2019 22:45

Actually your debt is mounting trivial frivolous needs to stop until it’s under control including his weekly drinks

It’s clear you and your kids are making sacrifices he isn’t. So tell him what he can do is prioritise his family

timshelthechoice · 24/09/2019 22:46

Why are you skittish? Is it because he's selfish child who's used to getting his ickle way when it comes to his mates?

Lulualla · 24/09/2019 22:46

I think i'd be saying "it's he stay do or the family because if you go on that weekend, we won't be here when you get back".

This isn't about a weekend away. Its about his entire attitude. He already had a weekend away. You havnt had anything as a family. Now he wants another one, which will increase your joint debt but you will get nothing out of it. What he is doing is saying "you and the kids simply aren't a priority to me. I want a weekend away so I'm having it. You can't have one. The kids can't have one. But I can and that's that".

timshelthechoice · 24/09/2019 22:50

Can't believe he's in hock to your ma for £1500 and wants to increase a staggering debt to go on a piss up. Fucking hell.

babybrain77 · 24/09/2019 22:57

Wow. YANBU. Aside from the debt/your mum situation, I am livid on your behalf that he would rather go on a stag do than take his children away.

LizzyDarcy1 · 24/09/2019 23:03

My goodness, YADNBU!!

No sensible and decent person would consider spending hundreds on going on a stag do when they have a £12k debt already and would only be adding to it. What a waste of money, and very selfish as it only benefits one member of the family.

If his best mate is any sort of good friend then he'll understand why your husband can't go.

BadLad · 24/09/2019 23:06

As a previous poster said, having twelve grand of debt is being up shit creek, and if the debt is mounting, you're getting into deeper shit. That's despite the hand outs from your mum - you'd be several grand more in debt without her. I would be very worried in your situation.

I'd be furious that he was pissing more money up the wall, and taking the piss with your mum's generosity. Financial incompetence is a deal breaker for me anyway. I realise it can be unavoidable to get into debt. But to be so unaware of the problem as your partner apparently is would make me lose all respect for him, probably permanently.

Plasebeafleabite · 24/09/2019 23:06

Can’t you get a better paying job OP if your DH already earns a decent salary?

A tenner in the pub each week isn’t much to ask to keep touch with his friends. Posters on MN will not be happy until he’s in sackcloth and ashes

I agree the stag do is not affordable though

ElizaDee · 24/09/2019 23:14

Having your mum 'lend' £1500 with no intention of giving it back while going to the pub every week is some serious cheeky fuckery, let alone going on a stag do abroad.

GabsAlot · 24/09/2019 23:14

Er no hes been on two already youre missing out on holidays and also assume you have to travel for the actual wedding so how does he think hes being fair

I wouldnt suggest he cut back on anything it sunds like he doesnt care about getting into debt hes missing the point that he cant swan off when you owe money

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 24/09/2019 23:21

My ex did this (he had debts but not that much) but fucked off abroad on a stag he simply could not miss (as it turned out, a lot of his friends said 'I cant afford it' and didnt go, but not him Hmm)...but we couldnt afford it.

I'm very much of the 'if you cant afford it you cant do it' school of thought.

You simply cant afford it, therefore he cant go. You have debt to repay, your mum will (quite rightly) be angry (he wants to piss away nearly half the amount she 'loaned') and errr... you cant afford it.

When on earth did having to have a foreign stag do become such a 'thing' anyway? Its almost as though people have two now- one abroad and one at home for those that couldn;t make it. I'd wager that if it is soooo crucial for DH to celebrate/comiserate/whatever the fuck its supposed to be with his friend, that he and some others that wont be going abroad could organise something local.

Nothing more than an excuse for an elaborate piss up.

Ohbuggerlugs · 24/09/2019 23:22

LTB.

Waveysnail · 24/09/2019 23:26

He can take his best mate for a beer when he gets back. No way should you sacrifice family holiday.

SavingSpaces2019 · 25/09/2019 00:35

My mum is incredibly generous and tends to buy our kids things they need (uniform, new clothes, school stuff, etc) she even ‘lent’ us £1500 to get a new car recently - she won’t ask for it back

Hmmmm.....and yet Husband goes to the pub about once a week with friends

...and you're surprised at his attitude? Hmm

Ilady · 25/09/2019 01:20

I have to be honest he is a full grown man child. He is acting like he is single man in his 20's. Image thinking that your going to increase a £12,000 loan by £600 so he can go on a stag do abroad. You also owe £1500 to your mother for your car.
Your married with 2 kids so your kids and bills come first.

You and the kids are not going places but he has money to go drinking each week. He needs to be told to grow up and the night in the pub has to stop.

You and him need to do the following:
Get out your tax details, pay slips, bank statements, bills ect and have a close look at your income and out goings.
Have a look at moneysavingexpert.com and see their budgeting tips, have to save money on bills ect.

Start to put a few pounds aside each week for Christmas and buy as few presents as possible.
See if you could get some pt retail work coming up to xmas as it will give you some extra cash.

MeganTheVegan · 25/09/2019 01:31

Stag Do does not trump family holiday.

randomusername · 25/09/2019 01:46

What a disrespect incompetent man.
He'll happily take £1,500 off your mother with no intention of paying her back then wants to add to debt by £600 for what's essentially a lads weekend... Shock What exactly do you see in him? Obviously he sees your mothers purse and someone who will let him piss more money away in you but what do you get out of it? Hmm

I'd tell him he can 'borrow' it from his family although you obviously you won't actually be paying it back same as yours....

If he takes out another loan despite your obvious thoughts on the matter... I just couldn't be with a 'man' like that.

BlackCatSleeping · 25/09/2019 01:46

If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. He shouldn’t go. He’s being very selfish.

Try and sort your debt out as a priority. Life will be a lot easier when it’s gone. Speaking from experience here.

I bet if you were planning on frittering away 600 pounds on meeting up with friends, he’d be horrified.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 25/09/2019 01:51

Incredibly selfish of him.

I agree with PPs- if he wants to do it, he should save up his pub money, borrow from his family or sell something of his to fund it. It is unacceptable that he has two stag trips while you are in debt and can't afford a weekend away as a family.

It's fine to say to a best mate- I'm sorry I can't afford it. If the best mate values his presence so much, then he will change the plan and have a more affordable stag do at home.

CadburysCremeSmeggs · 25/09/2019 02:21

I would be annoyed as well, your DC could go away for holiday with that money.

Redrosesandsunsets · 25/09/2019 02:31

Yeah tell him to get another job on top of everything else, then he can save up and go. Otherwise no. He is being unreasonable.

expat101 · 25/09/2019 03:15

I suspect OP whatever reason you come up with, he will have an answer and it won't be seeing your Mum paid back any time soon.

Personally I would make an appointment asap at a budgeting service for both of you to attend and sort your funds out quickly. Then see what is left once a financial commitment is made to re-paying your Mum and budgeting for your childrens furture expenses.

its not for your Mum to subsidise your/his life choices.

Blondebakingmumma · 25/09/2019 03:18

He can cut out his weekly pub drinks and save that for the stag do

TheTeenageYears · 25/09/2019 03:21

Wonder what he would say if you wanted to do the same or if one of the kids came home from school with a letter about an expensive school holiday?

There will i'm sure be others in the same boat who are having the same conversations in their own houses. OH's saying but we can't afford it, and them saying but everyone is going. It just takes a couple of people to be honest and say I really wish I could come but i'm not going to add to our families debt in order to be able to. If you have a night out in the UK I will happily come along. Men really don't like to admit that everything is not peachy in life and can be so easily lead.

The whole going abroad for extended stag and hen do's is ridiculous. I think part of the problem is that for the actual bride & groom it is a small percentage of the massive cost to get married so adding another £600 to the bill doesn't seem like such a big deal. For others who attend the hen & stag do's it's a huge amount of money to find to do something you probably wouldn't, under normal circumstances, choose to do.