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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have asked what’s the point in a ring?!

80 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 24/09/2019 14:21

I was talking to one of my friends the other day who is just over 20 weeks pregnant with her partner. They have been together for about 3 years and have lived together for the last 15 months.

We were chatting the other day about what she thinks the baby will look like (she knows she’s having a boy) and the topic of marriage came up.

She told me that all she wants is an engagement ring and she can’t work out why her partner won’t give her one. She said she isn’t bothered about getting married but she still wants for him to propose in order to prove his commitment to her. She just kept saying was “All I want is a ring.”

I asked her why she wanted him to give her an engagement ring seeing as she isn’t bothered about actually getting married and she took huge offence.

I didn’t say it nastily, I was just generally confused by her way of thinking. She then said that the proposal would be a demonstration of his commitment to the idea of marriage even though they aren’t actually fussed about doing it. She said she would feel like he was more committed to her if he gave her a ring.

I said that proposing and giving a ring isn’t the commitment part, it’s the marriage that cements that commitment, and the fact they live together and are having a baby is already quite a big demonstration of how committed to her he is.

She then got really huffy, made her excuses and left. I text her later that evening to apologise if I upset her but she didn’t reply.

Surely I’m not alone in thinking an engagement ring is pretty pointless if neither party are bothered about getting married?!

OP posts:
zeezee3 · 24/09/2019 14:22

I am all for getting married, and believe in it very much, but having an 'engagement' ring when there is no intention to marry is a bit odd.

So YANBU.

WilheldivaHater · 24/09/2019 14:28

From my experience some people are getting engaged as planning to get married (with marriage being the commitment) and some see an engagement as a new stage to the relationship on its own.

Personally I don't see the point in getting engaged without getting married, but I have had some friends who seem to see "being engaged" as it's own type of relationship.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 24/09/2019 14:32

I'm with you. You have to be engaged IN or BY something, it's not a complete verb all by itself, even though we have got into the habit of using it so. Either you are engaged to be married and actively planning to be so at some point, or you're not engaged.

Possibly your friend just wants a shiny, expensive rock? But it would have to be a pretty fucking huge stone to be worth not being bothered about getting married if she's planning to give up or cut back on work after the baby.

Expressedways · 24/09/2019 14:33

Sounds like you hit a nerve. I agree with you; without the marriage and commitment then it’s just a nice people of jewellery.

Idontwanttotalk · 24/09/2019 14:35

Buying a ring isn't expressing a commitment to anyone. What a ridiculous thing to say.

She could at least be honest in wanting the ring because it's pretty.

PapayaCoconut · 24/09/2019 14:37

I suspect she knows he doesn't want marriage but she wants to have a ring on her finger so that other people can see that she is in a committed relationship. Like a consolation prize, if you will.

CSIblonde · 24/09/2019 14:38

It's so she can signal to people that it's a serious committed relationship : in case they assume no ring means shes just a girlfriend & no more than that.

Funghi · 24/09/2019 14:41

What difference does it make to your life?

She’s your friend, don’t judge.

AlexaAmbidextra · 24/09/2019 14:47

I think the whole concept of ‘being engaged’ is naff tbh. It means nothing,

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 24/09/2019 14:53

What difference does it make to your life? She’s your friend, don’t judge.

I didn’t judge, I asked her a question. We were having a conversation and I asked why she wanted an engagement ring when she isn’t bothered about getting married? In my eyes thats not me judging, that was just me taking to my friend.

The majority of our circle of friends are either married or engaged so I do wonder if she feels like she’s missing out on something. She’s never been bothered about marriage, not for the 20 years I’ve known her, hence why I was surprised when she said she wanted an engagement ring.

OP posts:
Zebraaa · 24/09/2019 14:54

I personally “want a ring”. Of course I want to get married too but the ring signals a proposal and a show of love and commitment. I think it’s very special.

CrystalShark · 24/09/2019 14:56

How odd. I agree with PP that she probably understands he’s unlikely to marry her but wants the ring as a visible symbol she’s in a committed relationship (in her eyes that’s what an engagement ring represents), kinda a consolation prize. Why would you ever accept an engagement ring though from someone who wasn’t actively wanting to marry you. How embarrassing.

Being engaged is nice as a period of planning the wedding but unless it’s followed by setting a date it’s literally meaningless and no different to being boyfriend and girlfriend. I have friends who’ve been engaged for years with no wedding plans in the diary and it’s obvious to everyone including them that it’s no different to being boyfriend and girlfriend, marriage is a different status legally and socially and engagement only has meaning as a run up to marriage. These endless engagements without marriage are more of a ‘shush, stop bringing it up’ placating tool than anything else.

beanaseireann · 24/09/2019 14:57

Surely having a child together should be a commitment ?

CrystalShark · 24/09/2019 14:59

That’s a commitment to the child. Plenty of people split up and coparent. Having a child with someone isn’t a commitment to your partner in the same way that marriage is.

Turningtides · 24/09/2019 15:00

YABU and your friend is entitled to want what she wants. What business is it if yours?
She isn’t saying she doesn’t want to ever get married fgs. Just that at this point, she would like him to propose. Hardly surprising, given that she’s pregnant.
You sound very mean-spirited.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 24/09/2019 15:05

I think the whole concept of ‘being engaged’ is naff tbh. It means nothing

Well, it means you've mutually agreed to get married, which isn't a different legal status but is somewhat of a different relationship status, which is why so few people skip it and just announce to their BF/GF "darling I booked the register office!"

hidinginthenightgarden · 24/09/2019 15:07

I would suggest she requests an eternity or promise ring or similar. An engagement ring will have people constantly asking when she is getting married and then her explaining she isn't.

CrystalShark · 24/09/2019 15:09

hidinginthenightgarden

I think an eternity or promise ring beyond the age of sixteen or so is going to be a heck of a lot more cringeworthy/embarrassing to disclose to anyone who asks than an engagement ring!

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 24/09/2019 15:10

Well, it means you've mutually agreed to get married, which isn't a different legal status but is somewhat of a different relationship status......

But my friend isn’t bothered about actually getting married. So why get engaged if you don’t actually want to get married?

In my eyes if you get engaged then you get married. I know a lot of people who get engaged and then years and years and years later they still haven’t bothered about looking into actually getting married.

I can see though why some people want the ring even if marriage isn’t on the cards in terms of showing to other people that they’re still in a committed relationship and I guess that’s how my friend feels.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 24/09/2019 15:23

Op, I suspect you're being slightly disingenuous and she knows it, hence why she's pissed at you. It's the mock innocence thing.

Likely she wants to get married, or have some form of commitment from him as she's pregnant, as she knows he won't marry her, then this is the next best thing she can hope to achieve.

And uou know it.

Newoneonherr · 24/09/2019 15:24

If you haven't signed the contract, do you even have the job?

Just saying . . .

CmdrCressidaDuck · 24/09/2019 15:39

I agree with you Queen. I don't think a ring has any meaning or is any commitment in your friend's circumstance. I'm just saying that I think there is such a relationship status as "engaged to be married" where the couple do intend on getting married in short order, and that this status is qualitatively different to simply "together and serious".

Original poster
QueenofmyPrinces · 24/09/2019 15:47

Likely she wants to get married, or have some form of commitment from him as she's pregnant, as she knows he won't marry her, then this is the next best thing she can hope to achieve.

But she doesn’t want to marry him either. She’s never been a believer in marriage in the 20 years I’ve known her. She said herself she’s not bothered about marrying him so what’s the point?

OP posts:
Walnutwhipster · 24/09/2019 15:48

On the post-natal ward the mother in the next bed wouldn't allow her partner to visit the baby until he had bought a maternity ring. He duly turned up after missing the first two days of their DD's life.

CrystalShark · 24/09/2019 15:57

Walnutwhipster what’s a maternity ring? Have i missed a weird new trend?