To have asked what’s the point in a ring?!

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I was talking to one of my friends the other day who is just over 20 weeks pregnant with her partner. They have been together for about 3 years and have lived together for the last 15 months.

We were chatting the other day about what she thinks the baby will look like (she knows she’s having a boy) and the topic of marriage came up.

She told me that all she wants is an engagement ring and she can’t work out why her partner won’t give her one. She said she isn’t bothered about getting married but she still wants for him to propose in order to prove his commitment to her. She just kept saying was “All I want is a ring.”

I asked her why she wanted him to give her an engagement ring seeing as she isn’t bothered about actually getting married and she took huge offence.

I didn’t say it nastily, I was just generally confused by her way of thinking. She then said that the proposal would be a demonstration of his commitment to the idea of marriage even though they aren’t actually fussed about doing it. She said she would feel like he was more committed to her if he gave her a ring.

I said that proposing and giving a ring isn’t the commitment part, it’s the marriage that cements that commitment, and the fact they live together and are having a baby is already quite a big demonstration of how committed to her he is.

She then got really huffy, made her excuses and left. I text her later that evening to apologise if I upset her but she didn’t reply.

Surely I’m not alone in thinking an engagement ring is pretty pointless if neither party are bothered about getting married?!

I can understand just getting a ring cos you want one (me and DP have matching ones just cos we like them and I think it's nice) but it's a bit odd to specifically ask for an engagement ring if you don't agree with marriage. But there you go, people are strange and it's never a good idea to get involved in other people's relationships

Also, if she doesn't care about marriage, why was she so upset by what you said? Seems odd. Still, glad you managed to make up with her.

ArnoldWhathisknickers

We did it to shut his parents the hell up because they didn't approve of us living together without being married. Plus it was an excuse to treat ourselves to some nice jewellery which we very rarely do.

Seriously?

This makes no sense at all. If they were sufficiently bothered that you weren't married why would they be satisfied by a bit of nonsense window-dressing?

More to the point, with adult children proving the durability of your relationship why on early haven't you grown a pair enough to tell them to fuck off?

Obviously its up to you how you characterise your relationship status etc but why do you spend your life having this dictated to you by other people's disapproval?

Thanks for replying op. In light of what you said I now also feel the same as you!

Yes, well done with the smoothing over texts Op.

I do think you have to remember that unmarried, pregnant women can feel vulnerable, especially if the pregnancy is unplanned and if their relationship is fairly new or the commitment of their partner uncertain. They can feel vulnerable in themselves - will the man stay around and if he does, is it because he really wants to be with her. She can wonder if she will end up as a single parent - and yes, married women end up as single parents too, but it is more likely for women who find themselves in unplanned pregnancies in early-stage or not fully committed relationships.
They can also feel vulnerable in the judgement of the world - wanting the world to see them as being in a secure relationship. A ring can be a physical demonstration of this, even if in reality it might mean little. And an unmarried pregnant woman might feel especially vulnerable talking to a married woman who has firm views on engagement,M rings and marriage, which might seem to imply she's in a less than ideal position.

Actually, I wouldn't personally advise that woman marries or gets engaged at the moment. Having the baby will put lots of pressure on their relationship. It might survive and thrive, in which case they can get snagged or married if they want to, when they both feel the commitment and desire to do it. If the relationship breaks down,the friend will be a single parent but she won't need to go through a divorce too. As long as she ensures she is financially protected, taking the baby as one thing and the relationship as another is probably a good idea if the commitment isn't there on both sides.