Or is DH?

[IHaveNoIdeaWhoIAm]

Had an email today to say that DS (13) has been given an after school detention for pissing around in class.

Not the first time we've had to have words with him over his stupid behaviour at school, and frankly I've had enough.

I think he shouldn't play football at the weekend (which he really enjoys). DH thinks that, as the team are short of players, he should play so as not to let the team down.

No idea! Tough one!

Find a punishment in which he is the only person inconvenienced. For instance with my son, that would be removal of XBox, for daughter, removal of phone.

Imo your punishment could affect his friendships with team members. Not applicable for a school related incident.
Maybe time doing extra chores would give him time to reflect his current behaviour ime...

The team will sort themselves out. yanbu

School are already punishing him. I don’t think taking away a weekend hobby that inconveniences the team is a good idea.

If you must punish him again, find something else. Unpleasant chores, etc.

Did your DH suggest a different sanction or is he just expecting you to come up with something?

Surely the detention is the punishment?if you want an at home punishment too then choose something that only affects him not something that might affect the whole team.

I would agree this could affect his team so I wouldn’t do it this time but would I would do is say that is what is going to happen if this behaviour continues. Then is is fully aware that his behaviour has consequences and his team mates might feel differently about him if he KNOWS that his behaviour is going to result in this action.

Isn't the detention his punishment? Don't punish him twice for goodness sake.

Have you had a talk to him about his behaviour, why he wants to mess about and how he feels generally about school?

The team shouldn't be, effectively, punished because your son was a dickhead. And you shouldn't give your son the message that it's OK to let other people down, which is what he'd be doing by not turning up to play.

Take something else away from him instead - pocket money, XBox, phone, telly, lie-ins etc. Or give him some chores to do.

I don't have a problem with punishing him twice, but wouldn't let the rest of the team down because he has been a bit stupid.

actually, I think it's a good idea precisely because it will mess around the team. Maybe learning the wider ramifications of bad behaviour will ram the point home - I can imagine the coach not being too impressed that repeated bad behaviour at school has resulted in the team being one short. Nor will his teammates be best pleased.

So YANBU. No football.

I don't think this is punishing him twice - it sounds like this is the last in a long line of bad behaviours at school.

Time to ramp things up a level.

I'd say give the consequence which has the most impact. For DD it would be an hour less with the tablet.

I wouldn't be a big fan of that style of punishment as it affects others and let's the team down who he committed to.

But I think if you are to dole out that punishment then it has to be outlined before so that the ball is in his court.

That way it's clear to him that if he gets another detention he misses his match and he can explain to the team why he's missing a match.

X post with bat crazy

teach him about the necessity of cleaning out a u-bend?
raking leaves/weeding/cleaning gutters

something that has to be done that nobody likes to do

I think since football is a team sport it is a good chance to say "this time you're getting to play football but I'm letting the coach know that if you get another detention for the same reason football is off"

For everyone saying he is already being punished by detention
a) It clearly isn’t working
b) its great his mum is showing solidarity with the school that she also does not accept this behaviour.

Well that's me told!

I know a lot of people don't agree with punishing twice, but he needs to understand that I do not find this repeated stupid behaviour acceptable. I am however prepared to accept that inconveniencing the rest of the team isn't fair.

I think I might go with what @Batcrazy101 said, and warn him that missing football will happen if there's a next time. We know his football coach fairly well, so I'll also give him the heads up.

Let him play football this weekend.
I think the detention is appropriate on the school’s end.

Let him know if he continues to misbehave, he won’t be playing football & you’ll be meeting with the school.

I get where you're coming from but letting down the team would be pretty bad too, so I'd have to say YABU

I'm at the people saying he's already been punished You should absolutely support his teachers by punishing him at home too. A school detention alone really isn't much of a deterrent to most kids.

I think the detention is the punishment. He acted up, detention is the punishment for it.

Maybe when the schools see that detention rarely works, they might come up with something better like making a sports aimed kid miss PE or taking away free time at lunch time.

Detention is such a weird concept. It actually punishes the teachers as well as someone needs to stay behind and hold the detention and all the kids see it as is another class to piss about in!

I had this with my DS years ago constantly messing about in certain lessons. I asked the teacher to make it a lunchtime detention so he was missing out on playing football with his mates then.Is that an option - just lunchtime or maybe lunch and after school ?

Football shouldn’t be used as a punishment. Find something else.