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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or is DH?

88 replies

IHaveNoIdeaWhoIAm · 24/09/2019 13:30

Had an email today to say that DS (13) has been given an after school detention for pissing around in class.

Not the first time we've had to have words with him over his stupid behaviour at school, and frankly I've had enough.

I think he shouldn't play football at the weekend (which he really enjoys). DH thinks that, as the team are short of players, he should play so as not to let the team down.

OP posts:
verticality · 24/09/2019 16:35

I think you're both right in a way. You're right to think that he needs to be punished appropriately. Your DH is right in thinking that letting a team down is not the way to do this.

Can you find something else? Take away computer/wifi/phone?

Stephminx · 24/09/2019 16:45

Side point (kind of) but I don’t think it would be punishing him twice if you punished him at home. Parents need to back up the schools and reinforce bad behaviour is not tolerated.

NWQM · 24/09/2019 16:48

I agree with your idea of the threat of missing football. My Dad was a coach for many many years of a youth team and he'd have been the first to actual bench him. He would always say school work cane first and if you don't do your best there.....

Plus he didn't want any trouble makers.

Your son's coach might be if the same mind.

Timandra · 24/09/2019 16:51

Schools generally respond to unwanted behaviour by doling out sanctions without a second thought.

As his parent, you need to invest a bit more effort and find out what the reason is behind this behaviour before deciding what action to take.

Maybe he's using clowning in class to cover up something. It could be that he's struggling with some of the work and could do with spending a bit of extra time on one or two subjects to catch up/ build his confidence.

He could be struggling a bit socially and has discovered this as a way to gain peer approval.

Maybe there's a sensory issue nobody has realised is affecting him.

Maybe he's more able than the teacher realises and is bored - no excuse for bad behaviour but some extra work could sort that out.

If he is struggling in some way, adding a further sanction isn't going to help.

He might just be behaving badly because he enjoys it and thinks he can get away with it but it's not reasonable to just jump to that conclusion and act accordingly. There's usually a reason behind bad behaviour and it sounds like he has firm boundaries at home so that's unlikely to be the issue.

I'd be inclined to get him doing something shoulder to shoulder with you, peeling veg, going out in the car, or similar and get talking about school. You may find out something helpful. You may also find that having to have a heart to heart with you each time he gets a detention is a deterrent in itself.

Whatever happens, you need to understand a bit more about what's going on before trying to manage it diving in with an extra sanction. You could be making matters worse.

darkcloudsandrainstorms · 24/09/2019 17:04

No idea what you are on about.

Maybe school is not for him and he will make a fortune in football.

Londonmummy66 · 24/09/2019 17:15

Find some god awful chore - cleaning the loos in a pair of marigolds would probably work nicely and say that he has to do it as his punishment. If it is not done to your satisfaction before it is time to go to football then he doesn't go and tell the coach that this is what you have decided. Then, he can do the job properly and go or not. Missing football is then 100% his fault because he can't be bothered to clean the loo properly - and his coach will know that too. (I have done it with the threat of missing a different "team"type activity and it worked well.)

This one works even better if he has a sibling who is likely to take the mickey/ take embarrassing photo of him in the marigolds....

waterrat · 24/09/2019 17:31

I would never stop a team game or sport as punishment because kids get so little chance to be physically active at school and essentially you are removing something that affects their mental health and wellbeing.

I also agree that team sports involve commitment.

Derbee · 25/09/2019 00:33

@Topseyt im not talking about you. A pp wrote ask the coach to start him on the bench until at least half time due to his behaviour

Pantsomime · 25/09/2019 00:41

A class is like a team it’s a group with a common goal of learning- messing disrupts that only your DS isn’t bothered. Missing football will also disrupt that team which does bother your DS - perhaps it’s a good lesson to use and for him to learn from and think about the effect his behaviour has on others at school as well as football- he can make a negative or positive difference

Blondebakingmumma · 25/09/2019 00:42

I think it’s a good idea to get him to miss out on a game if he misbehaves. BUT I think he needs a warning first.

“If this happens again then you will miss out on your game on the weekend.”

MeganTheVegan · 25/09/2019 00:44

He's doing his time in after school detention. I would not punish him again, especially if that means he is letting down his team mates.

VenusTiger · 25/09/2019 01:03

@IHaveNoIdeaWhoIAm remember the good old days, when you’d get into trouble at school and then you’d be in trouble at home because of it! Of course you’re right to punish again at home. School and home life are linked, they are not separate and each can effect the other. Parents must back their children’s schools, not cast aside the punishment as though it’s been dealt with. Good luck!

Embracelife · 25/09/2019 09:01

Make hom do football and a day long hike with you on sunday
More physical activity not less
And during a hike he might reveal more about the why of his behaviour

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