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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH?

88 replies

IHaveNoIdeaWhoIAm · 24/09/2019 13:30

Had an email today to say that DS (13) has been given an after school detention for pissing around in class.

Not the first time we've had to have words with him over his stupid behaviour at school, and frankly I've had enough.

I think he shouldn't play football at the weekend (which he really enjoys). DH thinks that, as the team are short of players, he should play so as not to let the team down.

OP posts:
CassianAndor · 24/09/2019 14:13

oh, rubbish. Football isn't some kind of sacred cow.

OP, I think you've got a good solution there. Now that it's on the cards you can bet that his coach and teammates will be very unimpressed if he lets them down.

lumpy76 · 24/09/2019 14:14

Leave the punishment to school but definitely have a talk about how his behaviour affects you (you feel let down, disrespected), him (his job is to go to school, learn, get his qualifications to do what he wants to do in the future and by messing about he's not doing that), his friends, peers in his class and the teacher (not able to do their job, their pay is performance related thus his messing around may affect that and therefore the teachers family). Maybe talk about how he may lose friends if he continues to behave badly and the respect of his peers. In addition (if he's beginning to be interested in girls) I'd maybe talk about how girls don't find boys that mess about in class attractive ... quite the opposite (immature etc). I have 5 Ds's eldest Ds is 17, then 15 and then 13 - eldest has had a couple of incidents of messing around during his school career.

Gottobefree · 24/09/2019 14:17

If you punish him you will punish his team as well. For this occasion don't go it, but make it clear to him that if he continues to piss about then the consequences are he will be pulled out of football

MoonageDaydreamz · 24/09/2019 14:19

I don't agree with s punishment that reinforces being flakey and not turning up to a commitment, young people are too flakey as it is.

The punishment should be deprivation of something in the home like TV time or computer time etc.

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/09/2019 14:20

I think one punishment per infraction is enough, the school have punished him so leave it at that for now. Let him know that if his school behaviour does not improve there will be changes at home, for example, less Xbox time because we will be instead of having family time to model good behaviour.

zeezee3 · 24/09/2019 14:20

@IHaveNoIdeaWhoIAm

Could your son ask if he could do the detention some other time?

Seems a shame to let his team down, but he should do the detention.

bookwormsforever · 24/09/2019 14:21

I'd go for a punishment that most affects him, not the team. But if losing his team place will affect him most, then warn him that next time he misbehaves, football will go.

ToffeePennie · 24/09/2019 14:22

I would inform his coach that this poor behaviour is happening at school and that if the behaviour worsens, you will be looking at pulling him from matches/practise. Be sure to mention you know the team requires the players but that the behaviour cannot continue. You also need it to be known to his teammates (they may put some pressure on him to behave). However I agree that he requires an additional punishment that doesn’t impact the team this week (next week once you’ve spoken to the coach it’s different) so take something away he really enjoys (my 5 year old it would be tv time or his Xbox time) and ensure to tell him why.

Hydrogenbeatsoxygen · 24/09/2019 14:30

Find a different punishment, your DH is right about the team thing.

phoenixrosehere · 24/09/2019 14:30

Talk to his coach and explain to him what’s going on and that he won’t be there and that if this behaviour continues , he will be taken out of football.

You talked to your son before and the behaviour has continued so he has shown you he doesn’t take what has been discussed seriously so further action needs to be taken. If he is upset by missing football, remind him of what you told him about his behaviour and that his actions have consequences, intended or not. Why has he been misbehaving?

Rachelover60 · 24/09/2019 14:36

Your son's punishment is detention, why do you want to punish him again for same offence?

He should go to football.

KittyVonCatsington · 24/09/2019 14:38

Your son's punishment is detention, why do you want to punish him again for same offence?

The key is in this sentence from the OP:

Not the first time we've had to have words with him over his stupid behaviour at school, and frankly I've had enough.

There comes a time when parents have a responsibility to ensure their child behaves, once normal sanctions have been carried out and shown to have little effect.

RavenLG · 24/09/2019 14:46

Exactly what Kitty said.

Repeated behaviour messing around in school needs punishment at home, to show the wider ramifications of shite behaviour. It’s no wonder there are so many little arseholes around when parents just let their kids get away with murder in school as long as school is “punishing” them!

Embracelife · 24/09/2019 14:46

Football.is positive and his coach wont let him disobey the rules
So dont stop football.

School have punished
If he loves detentions let him continue.
His choice

PopGoesTheWeaz · 24/09/2019 14:48

Surely detention is the punishment?

CassianAndor · 24/09/2019 14:48

Kitty absolutely.

I can't understand why do many posters have completely failed to pick up on this fact.

TheFrendo · 24/09/2019 14:49

^^
The detention is the punishment.

CassianAndor · 24/09/2019 14:53

fuck's sake.

Not the first time we've had to have words with him over his stupid behaviour at school, and frankly I've had enough.

Teddybear45 · 24/09/2019 14:57

Football is a commitment. Punish him by removing something else he likes.

Original poster
IHaveNoIdeaWhoIAm · 24/09/2019 15:02

Thanks @CassianAndor - I can't believe there are so many parents who thinks it's just up to the school to dish out punishments/consequences!

If this was a 'first offence' then maybe I'd leave it as just the detention. It's not, so I won't.

It is, however, his first after school detention so maybe the little git will decide he doesn't want any repeats

OP posts:
Original poster
IHaveNoIdeaWhoIAm · 24/09/2019 15:03

Oh and @KittyVonCatsington - thank you too!

OP posts:
gostiwooz · 24/09/2019 15:04

He needs to learn that actions have consequences, and that if he wants nice things to happen then he needs to toe the line with regard to his school behaviour.

crosstalk · 24/09/2019 15:08

Heavens. Good luck OP. I agree with your PPs
*ask husband what he would suggest and get on the same page

  • include speaking to the coach. Your DC may respond to him at the moment more than you if the coach agrees to say he can't play if he's screwing around at school or similar
  • ask your son why he's playing up.

In whatever order.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/09/2019 15:08

FFS, here we go again with authoritarian twats bellowing for punishment on top of punishment. Punishment doesn't work. It's just a way for inadequate adults to make themselves feel better by throwing their weight about.
Do nothing additional, OP. It's the school's job to address behaviour in school, and it's also their job, if their usual sanctions aren't working, to find a way to resolve the problem.

NearlyGranny · 24/09/2019 15:09

I think your solution is perfect, IHaveNoIdea, as it is not the first time. His team is a commitment and he won't want to let them down. If he has to stop and consider how he will explain it to them it should steady his behaviour.

Just make sure your DH is 100% on board and won't bail if the moment comes! If he is prone to this already, right there is the problem.