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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH?

88 replies

IHaveNoIdeaWhoIAm · 24/09/2019 13:30

Had an email today to say that DS (13) has been given an after school detention for pissing around in class.

Not the first time we've had to have words with him over his stupid behaviour at school, and frankly I've had enough.

I think he shouldn't play football at the weekend (which he really enjoys). DH thinks that, as the team are short of players, he should play so as not to let the team down.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 24/09/2019 15:11

For now I would probably take away his phone and ground him at home.

I would take the opportunity to tell him that if there is any more of this crappy behaviour at school then he will be withdrawn from football for the foreseeable future. Speak to the football coach to warn them of what might happen and why if DS proves himself incapable of behaving properly at school. I would make sure that DS knew about or even heard the conversation with the football coach. That way he will hopefully realise that you mean it.

Withdrawing him from football is an option, though it is a last resort because it does impact on the rest of his team. That is why you warn the coach in advance and make sure that DS realises that this is his very last chance saloon. You WILL follow through.

longtompot · 24/09/2019 15:13

I would say to your ds, this time he can go to football, but x will be taken away for how long you feel it should be taken away for.
But, if you get a call from school again about his bad behaviour, he will miss that weeks football session. That way, he has been warned and he can't use the it'll let the team down line. He's done that all by himself.

Derbee · 24/09/2019 15:22

I agree with having a “home punishment” alongside his “school punishment”. However, I would only punish him, not his team. I would however warn him that the next time he has a punishment at school, he will be missing football and he can explain to the team why he’s decided to mess around and let them all down.

If he’s armed with the knowledge of what the consequences will be for the next time, it’s up to him whether he wants to miss football or not.

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 24/09/2019 15:25

I agree with lots of the others that it's not fair to the rest of the team if it is actually short. However if you do have a good relationship with the coach and there does happen to be more than the bare 11 there on the weekend then I'd suggest taking him down but asking the coach to start him on the bench until at least half time due to his behaviour.

This way he's not letting the team down or missing out on this activity but there is some further punishment. I'd also make him aware that any repeat will mean HIM letting his friends down as he won't be able to play the game after it happens again. At least if he knows the consequences it's not all on you but on himself. He won't learn from a detention, they are probably having a right laugh, all the naughty kids together after school. I know we used to.

SunshineCake · 24/09/2019 15:28

I wouldn't inconvenience other people, or involve them in his behaviour and your decision. Think of something else.

saraclara · 24/09/2019 15:30

If it's a little kid (as on another thread about a five year old) then school punishment is enough. But at 13 the detention won't bother him in the slightest, so home back up is really important.

SunshineCake · 24/09/2019 15:30

Actually, I wouldn't think of something else. If mine got detention I considered that enough.

Derbee · 24/09/2019 15:31

FFS, don’t ask the coach to punish him for you! How embarrassing would that be?! Confused

saraclara · 24/09/2019 15:31

...and yep, I think mentioning this to the coach is a good idea. Someone outside the family who he respects, telling him to get his act together or he'll be letting the team down, is probably going to be more effective.

GabriellaMontez · 24/09/2019 15:34

I think physical activity is really important for teenagers. Take away his phone or ds or whatever device he's addicted to. And I agree with stepping up the punishment as it's not a first offence.

Lulualla · 24/09/2019 15:45

What did I just read? Parents actually think that "It's the school's job to punish for behaviour in school". No it bloody isn't. The school will do what they can but it's the parents job to support them at home by reinforcing that their behaviour is unacceptable, remove priveledges whilst they are acting up and reward them when behaviour improves. But do not just leave it up to the school.

It's your kid. Their behaviour is your responsibility. I can't believe posters on here think it's not the parents job to deal with it. No wonder kids are becoming so bloody entitled and rude.

billy1966 · 24/09/2019 15:47

No wonder there is such appalling behaviour in schools with parents having a hands off attitude.

I would go through any of my children for a short cut if they were getting regular detention from their school's.

Classes are large enough for teachers without having some pups acting out.

Disruptive children make learning difficult for other children.

It's extremely selfish and moronic behaviour.

I wouldn't tolerate it.

Phones and all other technology at home would be gone for a week to make it abundantly clear the behaviour will not be tolerated.

He should apologize to the teacher too.
Football would be the least of my worries.

OP, you and your husband had better get on the same page quickly and nip this in the bud.

Good luck.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 24/09/2019 15:50

I'd stick with the no football thing. He might feel awful for letting the team down, but then it's all the more reason not to misbehave in class. Hopefully you'll only have to make him miss it once for it to sink in.

justintimberlakesfishwife · 24/09/2019 16:02

Much as I've been tempted many times to stop my DC's going to football as a consequence for bad behaviour, I've never actually gone through with it. It would let down the rest of the team, and the coach. And for me, I see football as a place where good behaviour is reinforced so it's beneficial for far more than the physical activity. So I'm with your husband on this one.
But, I do agree that you should have out of school sanctions. Removal of games console, removal of phone. Something that will impact him so will hopefully make him reconsider his behaviour. Good luck!

Bluntness100 · 24/09/2019 16:02

I'd also stick with the no football thing. It's bloody football not his GCSEs. He can miss one weekend.

Make it his punishment, and tell him he misses it everytime it happens again.

Don't mess around.

viques · 24/09/2019 16:04

Stop the football. Maybe inconveniencing the team and getting their disapproval will help him to realise that his behaviour in class is also having an adverse impact on his classmates.

Myriade · 24/09/2019 16:11

I wouldnt stop the football because it probably helps him with concentration at school (a good way to relaxes and energy and stress and help concentration).

However, the reason your DH is giving is crap. He is basically putting an amateur football team way way above what his ds might (or might not?) need to help him realise that his behaviour is crap.

Imo, you need a different way to tackle the issue rather than punishment or ‘having a word’ (which clearly doesn’t work).

redastherose · 24/09/2019 16:14

I think that he's been punished at school and you can also add to that punishment at home but like PP's say it shouldn't be stopping him playing football where that will let his team down. Choose a punishment that only effects him.

Drivemecrazy1974 · 24/09/2019 16:14

Personally, I'd make him take the punishment of not playing football this weekend. Maybe facing the wrath of his teammates will teach him that his actions have wider repercussions. He's 13, not 3 for goodness sake, he should be able to behave in class.

CapturedFairy · 24/09/2019 16:22

I'm totally with Billy if he is 13 then it is year 9, I don't want some tosser pissing around in class enough that it earns him a paltry detention when there are children in there trying to fucking learn.

This time would be the threat of football alongside something which only impacts him, but next time he lets the entire team down if he gets another detention.

Low level disruption in class is a pain in the arse and needs reinforcing at home that this is totally unacceptable. Get him to set the table then go in and mess up all the cutlery, he'll complain which is the equivalent of a verbal warning in class, then get him to re-set the table and do it again. See how he likes someone interfering with what he has been asked to do, just like he is disrupting a teacher teaching.

Cheeseandwin5 · 24/09/2019 16:24

To be honest , we have /are going through the same with our teenager.
we took away his psp, than phone , than his social activities. Final we stopped him going football- it was a tough decision, sometimes kids need that to get rid of their stress, but we didn't have any other avenue.
I would recommend that your DC understands that all punishments are solely down to your DC choice. ie if it happens again this is whats going to happen

Collision · 24/09/2019 16:26

There was a great article in the paper I read this week about a mum who was sick of the detentions her son was getting due to his behaviour and so she sat in class with him.

He was 12.

I bet that sorted him out.

You could threaten with this.

MrKlaw · 24/09/2019 16:30

If he isn't listening to you, how about a two-pronged approach?

  1. warn him you'll stop him from going to football. If this works, great. If he plays the 'but they need me', 'inconvenience the team' etc line, then move to step 2

  2. if the coach is onboard, could they consider putting in a discipline clause - like if you have detention you start on the bench or are dropped for that week. You'd think they'd do something similar if they acted up on pitch?

Topseyt · 24/09/2019 16:30

Derbee, I haven't said ask the coach to punish him. Nor has anyone as far as I can see.

I said OP could warn the coach that she is now considering withdrawing DS from football if he doesn't start to behave properly at school. To give fair warning of what the situation is if the need should arise. She would be withdrawing him, not the coach!!

Read what is there, not what isn't.

Not unreasonable at all, and definitely not embarrassing.

pooboobsleeprepeat · 24/09/2019 16:31

He’ll be learning much more from playing a team sport than at school. That punishment would never cross my mind.