AIBU to never speak to the in laws again??

[Sunflower73590]

Fallen out with the in laws, are we in the wrong? So bit of backstory, we have 3 year old DD & 6 month old DS, we live in the same town as most of his family so minutes away yet hardly see them. Main problem is with DH parents and his sister,we got along great always texting and sending pics of the kids (she has child similar age) however never saw much of DSis in law as she only asks to see us when she needs somewhere to go eg at 9am after dropping Dniece at nursery and our house is closer so wants to kill time till pick up at 12, or ‘are you free in 10 mins I’m in town’ kinda deals. Problems started just after DS was born as we didn’t really want to be meeting in cafes etc, so although we spoke every few days we hardly saw each other. DH parents are similar as they either just come round and walk in or text ‘will you be in, in 10 mins’. We’ve told them we’re not okay with this and would like to know ahead of time if they’re coming round but clearly they’ve not listened. I know they think it’s me pulling the strings bc they’ve made comments like ‘DH wasn’t brought up like this we always just walk into families houses’. Everything was fine though until a few months ago when they walked in and started an argument in front of the DCs about how we are ignoring the whole family and everyone agrees with them, we had no idea anyone actually had a problem with us (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins), especially since none of them ever speak to us in the first place! We explained our side and that it must be a misunderstanding, that we’d just like to be asked ‘when are you free or are you free at this time’. They walked out saying they would ring us in a few days to sort everything out calmly, we never heard anything from them. Month or so later and MIL is now texting ‘why aren’t you speaking to us,don’t ignore us/shut us out’ kind of texts like we’re the ones who started the argument?! They had the problem with us yet they’re now turning it around like it’s all our doing? I hate the fact his whole family are looking at us like we’ve just cut everyone out and hate them all so we’re ignoring them when that’s simply not true, we didn’t know anyone had a problem till they brought it up. They’ve now all deleted me on Facebook and are sending upsetting messages to DH constantly, I don’t know how we can move on from this at all? DH is heartbroken his parents are treating him like this and feels there’s no coming back from this! Any advice? Should we just invite them round and apologise??🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry OP but I don't get the Emile needing to book an appointment well in advance to see family who live round the corner. It's not like they just turn up, they text or call and say are you at home we'll pop round in ten minutes, sometimes you might be busy, sometimes you won't be, but it sounds like you're standing on a point of principle. Also what's wrong with the sister wanting to visit when she's got a few hours to kill, isn't that what we all do? I don't go visiting when I'm busy! You seem to be holding them at arms length, they are upset by that. The ball is in your court to make amends unless there is a huge drip feed.

Also if you don't like them visiting you say home, why were you not in favour of meeting up in cafés?

Your DH is being ridiculous. No coming back from this!? Come on. Family is family. They understandably felt hurt that you’re keeping them at arm’s length - but that’s your prerogative. It’s your home and if you want a bit more notice of visits, then that’s up to you. But you must be able to see that this has hurt their feelings and made them feel unwelcome. Some families have an open door policy, I think your DH should contact them and invite them around for a meal or whatever, just to clear the air. Meet in the middle a bit! And he needs to make it clear that these are his feelings too not just yours, so you don’t get the brunt of it.

Voice of experience - there is nothing worse than putting your DH in the middle of a row between you and your ILs.

If you live in the same town, i can see why they might just pop in if they're passing. If its not convenient, just say so. Its different to relatives living a couple of hours away turning up on your doorstep unannounced.

I think you need to sit down with them and clear the air. Its so not worth destroying your whole relationship over the fact you dont like them popping round.

This was mainly when we'd just had a baby, recovering from bad c section, who wants people calling with no notice just after having a baby, jeez give me an hour to put some clothes on and wash my face at least? We might be family but we're not that close. And who wants someone sitting in your house for 3 hours just after having a baby, let me nap? No? is it not just courteous to ask when someone's free or when's best to come

Literally this exact same thing happened to me op. No advice I'm afraid. I got rid of the ILs when I got rid of the husband but it you want to keep the husband I got nothing for you but empathy.

Fact is, we've asked them multiple times to give us some notice, we might no be free or just not up for visitors, but they're still coming round without a text or call. I don't see it as holding them at arms length at all, they're just ignoring what we've asked. Our home, our wishes, no?

Those are totally valid reasons not to want visitors, but you can just text back and say "today won't work" or "how about xxx time" or whatever. It's not like they are just turning up.

like we’re the ones who started the argument?!

I don't get it though- as far as I can see you are?

Thing is we were saying sorry not tonight but free tomorrow kind of thing bc they were always wanting to come at bad times eg at bath/bed times and we weren't ok with that, I think that's why they think we're "pushing them away" though by saying we're not free, they're not getting the fact we're genuinely busy and not that we don't want to see them.

They came round out the blue and brought it all up, they started the argument. How was it us?

But they text to ask if they can come round so you could just text back to say you're busy/tired etc and to let them know when would be convenient.

I think this is hopefully quite easy to sort, you just need to communicate! Chat to them about it and say it’s such a small thing but you were tired with a young baby and of course they are welcome and you’d love everything back to normal - and suggest what does suit you as you do make it sound like there’s no convenient time or olace

They don't seem to want to listen to our reasoning, or accept that they don't give us notice (they class notice as knocking), they just want us to say yes we've been ignoring you all and don't like you and won't accept anything else🤷🏼‍♀️

I have 4 DC. They live with their partners and my GC. I would never just turn up at any of their homes without checking it's ok first. Everyone is busy. It's rude to expect someone to stop what they are doing because you've turned up to see them. We text or call each other to arrange a mutually convenient time. This is just manners? No?

I LOATHE .. we're popping in, in 10 mins texts.. Piss Off

so NO I do not believe you are being unreasonable OP.

Family see 'don't come round right now , could you come tomorrow 'as OP pushing them away, I think.
You wouldn't mind your mum calling round if you're halfdressed / feeding baby or whatever but both ILs?

@PanamaPattie Exactly what we thought!

It sounds like there's not much of a relationship there to salvage. They have over reacted and caused drama by their own reaction. I personally wouldn't want people who thought that amount of drama was normal or reasonable anywhere near my DC tbh. Did you get on well with them before this incident? Were they supportive and understanding? Or have they always been difficult and demanded everything on their own terms with little to no awareness of how their actions impact on others?

I'm with you OP! Let me dress /wash my hair/tidy the house...'I'll be there in 10' guests need not apply....

I’ve no solution I’m afraid OP, but I have a lot of sympathy. I absolutely love seeing family when I want to but I like notice and I also like time to myself.

Thank you for understanding! My gosh it's nice to know you're not a TOTAL knob!

I don't know how to save a relationship with people who just don't listen to your feelings at all I guess, DH is hurt but I think he's just at breaking point he's about given up, they're texting some horrible stuff and he just can't get a word in!

Are you in a small town/ village? I lived in a big city and if you ever wanted to see someone you had to schedule weeks in advance but that's what I'm used to. Moved to a small village and people never plan and constantly pop in on each other, no warning. Took me ages to get used to!

My in-laws were like this, especially my mil who thought she could come anytime after my kids were born. Once my sil came unannounced I was in my PJs with my baby napping, she saw me look through the door and turn away back into my living room. She got the message loud and clear, they never did it again.

My DH was stuck in the middle but he respected thats it’s our home, not theirs. Eventually it got better, after five years they wouldn’t dream of turning up.

You’re not unreasonable. I would not be happy with anyone just turning up, whether it be in-laws or my own family members. Maybe living in each other’s pockets works for them, but they need to respect that it doesn’t work for you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting notice.

I dont do popping in-i dont do it to ayone and they dont do it to me i dont get it

So im with you op-have they always been like this has dh had a good relationship with them