AIBU to never speak to the in laws again??

[Sunflower73590]

Fallen out with the in laws, are we in the wrong? So bit of backstory, we have 3 year old DD & 6 month old DS, we live in the same town as most of his family so minutes away yet hardly see them. Main problem is with DH parents and his sister,we got along great always texting and sending pics of the kids (she has child similar age) however never saw much of DSis in law as she only asks to see us when she needs somewhere to go eg at 9am after dropping Dniece at nursery and our house is closer so wants to kill time till pick up at 12, or ‘are you free in 10 mins I’m in town’ kinda deals. Problems started just after DS was born as we didn’t really want to be meeting in cafes etc, so although we spoke every few days we hardly saw each other. DH parents are similar as they either just come round and walk in or text ‘will you be in, in 10 mins’. We’ve told them we’re not okay with this and would like to know ahead of time if they’re coming round but clearly they’ve not listened. I know they think it’s me pulling the strings bc they’ve made comments like ‘DH wasn’t brought up like this we always just walk into families houses’. Everything was fine though until a few months ago when they walked in and started an argument in front of the DCs about how we are ignoring the whole family and everyone agrees with them, we had no idea anyone actually had a problem with us (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins), especially since none of them ever speak to us in the first place! We explained our side and that it must be a misunderstanding, that we’d just like to be asked ‘when are you free or are you free at this time’. They walked out saying they would ring us in a few days to sort everything out calmly, we never heard anything from them. Month or so later and MIL is now texting ‘why aren’t you speaking to us,don’t ignore us/shut us out’ kind of texts like we’re the ones who started the argument?! They had the problem with us yet they’re now turning it around like it’s all our doing? I hate the fact his whole family are looking at us like we’ve just cut everyone out and hate them all so we’re ignoring them when that’s simply not true, we didn’t know anyone had a problem till they brought it up. They’ve now all deleted me on Facebook and are sending upsetting messages to DH constantly, I don’t know how we can move on from this at all? DH is heartbroken his parents are treating him like this and feels there’s no coming back from this! Any advice? Should we just invite them round and apologise??🤦🏼‍♀️

Everyone has phones, who turns up announced these days

I get the annoyance with them not informing in advance of people showing up. I'm the same, I don't understand this notion of just showing up and assuming people will be happy to give you their time, for what often becomes hours.

However, I know that it is normal for many people and they certainly would have no issue if we did the same.

The problem is that you seem not keen to go over their place, not keen to meet them elsewhere, and not keen with them showing up out of the blue, so it's not surprising they interpret this as you rejecting them.

How about you/your OH suggesting dates with them and letting them know when it would be a good time for them to stop over. If you knew your SIS had time to kill when dropping her kids to nursery, why not suggest she comes on one of those days, rather than making her feel unwelcome in your house?

What have you done to pro actively tell them times you are happy for them to come over OP? From your post it sounds like the onus is on them to work out when it's okay. Why not just set up a standing appointment e.g. Tuesdays at 4pm (or whenever suits) and tell them they're always welcome them?

I simply don't understand the whole pushing family away and making appointments sort of attitude. I notice its always the ILs that get pushed out. Like the Partner has no say anymore in his own family or relationships with parents. Very sad.

Sorry OP, I think you are unreasonable. Most of my family and his live in the same town. We don’t see each other that often, but we call in unannounced when we are passing. We might stay five minutes or fifty, we might have a cuppa or just bob our head round the door and ask if they need anything from xxxx if we are going.

I think you are just used to different ways and now come across as unwelcoming and stand offish, like an appointment has to be scheduled to see you.

You do realise when you have an open house, no one stops long because they don’t feel like they have to make the most of their awkward prearranged slot.

I accept your family may be different.

OP
How often do you call them? Visit then?
It does sound as if they’re making an effort to connect with you, fair enough it might not be suitable every time. How often do you actually say yes though? Do you actually see them/call them?

I was just about to ask what @Veterinari did, how often do you make contact with them or go visit your in laws?

In your own words you hardly see the immediate or extended family yet say you didn't know there was a problem, maybe that's why you don't see them, because there was a problem, or didn't know because you don't see them ?

It all feels a bit over dramatic to me, never speaking to them again etc. So they text and want to pop in, it's hardly the crime Of the century.

So yeah on this one I'd say there is maybe a high chance they are right.

How often do you ring and say "fancy a cuppa"? To ANY of your husband's family? They are your family too now, of course, but you don't seem to like them or welcome them in your life.

If you do not want them coming to you, and are never free when they want to see you, how have you been keeping the relationship going with family? You have 2 children - they have 2 grandchildren - how often do you suggest a meet up?

If you want it on your terms then you have to be the facilitator/organiser.

This is just a 'boundary reaction': you've set boundaries, they don't like it, so they are throwing their toys out of the pram. The way to deal with it is not to escalate the situation by sulking and not speaking - it's to keep explaining the boundary clearly and to make it clear that no amount of emotional blackmail changes things. "We absolutely want to see you, we merely request that you give us some notice when you want to pop round".

I’m kinda torn on this one OP.
Yes a text would be great as notice of them popping round....but I would also have DH block all of them from sending horrid messages.

I don’t blame you for not wanting people family or not just turning up all the time. If you are someone that likes to have boundaries and privacy that should be respected. I don’t like it either - and never do it to anyone else.

From what I can tell it is s clash of cultures, for them it is normal just to drop in, for you it feels like intrusion.

However the fact they have amassed the whole family, deleted your from fb and are sending malicious messages. That is a serious escalation of tensions.

Your dh need me to block them if they are sending nasty messages. He also needs to accept his priority is you and the baby, and it’s not okay for his family to become abusive.

I suspect he had towed the family line all of if life, and now he his own family, boundaries and priorities he is meeting resistance.

Rise above it. He needs to as well.

Completely grey rock.
Eventually they will have to agree to your wishes or not see you. I’d be wary of staying involved in such a controlling hostile family. Can you move? It sounds suffocating.

It may be a bit annoying having unannounced visitors but you could have been a but more compromising

YABU in my opinion. If your family lived close would you make them make an appointment, or is it just your DH’s family that has to. Sounds to me that you are pushing a point and the only people that are going to suffer are your husband and your kids, who will grow up knowing that there is friction with your husband’s family, which is really sad.

Yabu. But you're both just used to different things and so neither of you are completely wrong. If they text then just say 'actually I'm a bit busy, how about in one hour.' But explain to them kindly that you love seeing them but you're just not used to people dropping in.

Thanks for all your replies, it's really nice to know not everyone thinks we're lunatics😂

I've known them 5+ years now so yes they've become my family completely, we didn't see them at all really until DCs were born. These are as much my feelings as they are DHs, he comes home from work and puts his comfys on but he wouldn't want people coming round when he's slobbing around, that doesn't mean we don't want them coming round at all it's just we'd prefer to have time to get dressed and straighten up the house first.
As for extended family, there's never been much of a visiting relationship, like we'd always text and check in especially grandparents but it's just not reciprocated. It's seeming like extended family have said oh we've not seen them in a while and PiLs have taken that as we're not wanting to see them so are pushing them away and it's gone from there.

Sounds like you've been stand offish and they are being dramatic.

Can't your dh deal with his family? My dh sorts out when we see his family. Admittedly if MIL invites us to see great aunty Ida or suchlike I tend to encourage it if we haven't seen them for ages.

Family should be able to pop by with a quick text in advance. I don't stop what I'm doing if I'm cooking etc. Especially they just come to see the kids you just leave them to it.

I think you need to think about what kind of family life you want a model for your children so that when you was a grown up they might want to spend some time with you too.

What about your parents / family how much do you see them?

When our first child was born we asked everyone to phone or preferably text before visiting to make sure it’s convenient to visit, even now we would never just turn up at someone’s house to visit when would always message beforehand to make sure it’s a good time to visit, It’s just polite.

I could have written this, same thing happened to us after we had our children. We are 2 years on from the shit hitting the fan and things just went from bad to worse. It’s a strange dynamic when parent’s still act like they are in charge when their adult son is married with a family of his own, that’s where our issues stem from. Their attempts to be controlling and over involved drove me nuts, particularly once grandchildren came along, before this we got along great. I’ve no advise but just wanted to say you aren’t alone!

They didn’t feel welcome to pop in and visit. They felt like you weren’t interested in seeing them. They came round and told you that. You didn’t contact them for A MONTH. And now MIL has had to make contact first again.

This is why it’s a bad idea to skim read posts. You’re aghast that the OP and her husband didn’t contact the in-laws for A MONTH, yet have somehow ignored the very next sentence in the first post that states the in-laws specifically said they would be in contact in a few days. That contact never came - yet a month on it’s apparently the OP ignoring them, not vice versa.

It’s funny how people supposedly desperate for a closer relationship have acted deleted the OP from social media, isn’t it? And not teens in a strop - grown adults, old enough to have grandchildren. All done for appearances and to get attention. They could even throw in a ‘But we were just so hurt’ if anyone dared to point out that maybe deleting the OP was counterproductive.

OP - your in-laws seen like emotionally manipulative people with a penchant for drama. Unfortunately for them it’s bitten them on the arse, as your husband has also had a rather dramatic reaction and said he’s done with them. Got to love the irony of that.

Stick to your guns. Tell them you don’t want them or anyone just ‘popping in’ and that you’d like proper arrangements. I would then find myself extremely busy a lot of the time.

If your family lived close would you make them make an appointment, or is it just your DH’s family that has to.

‘Make an appointment’ is a term always trotted out on these threads - usually as justification from a ‘popper-inner’. It hints at everything being terribly formal, distant and unwelcoming; unlock the world of ‘popping in’, where the kettle’s always on and dinner will always stretch to a surprise guest. In reality, no one expects this to be like going to the dentist; there’s no time limit or cancellation fee. It’s just a bit of basic courtesy.

Yanbu at all they have made a mountain out of a molehill.
They sound really dramatic all deleting you off of facebook I would leave them to it..

I wouldnt like my inlaws to just turn up it would annoy me. Thankfully we dont speak to mine as they arent nice people.
Yanbu op.

Sounds like our in laws. You cant push or fight for a relationship, it has to come from people being pleasant and you wanting to be around them. Our in laws called us when our baby was 2 weeks old and said "if you aren't going to come around more often, dont come at all". It was our first day out with the baby as a family. Prior to that, we had seen them twice, both times they had visited us, but we had a new baby fgs. We had midwife visits for the first 10 days!
After that, we went every week for years, but had to stop it when we had our 2nd as it was too much going round after work etc. They didn't like it and called us all names under the Sun, but hey ho. Just carry on OP, it will all drama itself out.

I can sympathise that you don't want people dropping in, but sadly you've exacerbated the issue enormously.

1. in all this time saying "no", why did you say tomorrow each time if you would have been ok with an hour's notice? Why not sometimes "Can you make it 11am please as I need to get dressed!"
2. When have you ever tried to see them yourself? It sounds like you put yourself in a position of saying no to every request, but you have been reactively suggesting other times rather than reaching out to say "are you free for lunch on Sunday?"
3. They're family, you really don't need to straighten the house nor dress up; I can't imagine those formalities with my PIL, and they could look after the baby while you shower. You have very clearly pushed them into a "not family" bucket, but it's hard to know why you didn't originally accept them as family? I don't understand why you're hiding the reasons why you didn't want to accept them, there was clearly something you didn't like about them?
4. They behaved badly because they were upset, but you then just ignored them for a month, which was effectively agreeing that you have no interest in their feelings. It doesn't matter who said what about getting back in touch, the onus was on you to calmly explain that you did want to see them. Now it's escalating further because you still haven't made any attempts at fixing it, you're just sitting back wringing your hands saying "oh look, they don't like me", despite them desperately having tried to include you as family and being hurt by your actions.

I don't think it's fixable, because you'd have to genuinely want to repair the relationship to move forward from here. You would need to tell them that you miss them and you're sorry they felt pushed out, that you want to work out a better way of making sure you all have time together as family. You aren't going to do that though, because your tone is all anger and contempt for their whole family. The most likely outcome is that your DH will miss them and will step back into the family fold, including taking the DC round for visits, while you'll be excluded. I guess that's what you want long term as it looks very much like you didn't like them from the beginning (would be great to know why!).

I dont think I you have anything to apologise for. If anything, the in laws should apologise to you for their behaviour rd the texts etc and the nasty things they have said. In reality that's not going to happen. I think you need to consider do you want relationship with them on their terms, or not?