AIBU to never speak to the in laws again??

[Sunflower73590]

Fallen out with the in laws, are we in the wrong? So bit of backstory, we have 3 year old DD & 6 month old DS, we live in the same town as most of his family so minutes away yet hardly see them. Main problem is with DH parents and his sister,we got along great always texting and sending pics of the kids (she has child similar age) however never saw much of DSis in law as she only asks to see us when she needs somewhere to go eg at 9am after dropping Dniece at nursery and our house is closer so wants to kill time till pick up at 12, or ‘are you free in 10 mins I’m in town’ kinda deals. Problems started just after DS was born as we didn’t really want to be meeting in cafes etc, so although we spoke every few days we hardly saw each other. DH parents are similar as they either just come round and walk in or text ‘will you be in, in 10 mins’. We’ve told them we’re not okay with this and would like to know ahead of time if they’re coming round but clearly they’ve not listened. I know they think it’s me pulling the strings bc they’ve made comments like ‘DH wasn’t brought up like this we always just walk into families houses’. Everything was fine though until a few months ago when they walked in and started an argument in front of the DCs about how we are ignoring the whole family and everyone agrees with them, we had no idea anyone actually had a problem with us (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins), especially since none of them ever speak to us in the first place! We explained our side and that it must be a misunderstanding, that we’d just like to be asked ‘when are you free or are you free at this time’. They walked out saying they would ring us in a few days to sort everything out calmly, we never heard anything from them. Month or so later and MIL is now texting ‘why aren’t you speaking to us,don’t ignore us/shut us out’ kind of texts like we’re the ones who started the argument?! They had the problem with us yet they’re now turning it around like it’s all our doing? I hate the fact his whole family are looking at us like we’ve just cut everyone out and hate them all so we’re ignoring them when that’s simply not true, we didn’t know anyone had a problem till they brought it up. They’ve now all deleted me on Facebook and are sending upsetting messages to DH constantly, I don’t know how we can move on from this at all? DH is heartbroken his parents are treating him like this and feels there’s no coming back from this! Any advice? Should we just invite them round and apologise??🤦🏼‍♀️

You are not in the wrong OP -
Even my own Mum always checks with me to make sure it's fine before she comes to see me, especially when I'd just my baby. It's a sign that she puts me as a Mum before her own needs. And deleting you on Facebook is really the last straw.
But it sounds like you DH is receiving the grief - for his sake, you may want to sit down and discuss what to do about this situation. Don't apologise to the ILs - but do suggest a meeting to talk things over, preferably in neutral territory like a pub so there'll be less of a chance of more arguments. Good luck.

I have the same problem with mine, they turn up unannounced all the time and I hate them for it. I can’t bear them at the best of times anyway so now I just go upstairs when they turn up and pretend to be busy so it makes them hopefully feel like it wasn’t worth their while coming (I’m pregnant and they think they are part of my DH and I’s baby...). Turning up without checking is rude and unacceptable IMO.

How do you feel about your DP popping in with ten minutes notice?

I get it OP.

I'm happy to have family over, but I also like to know when people are coming so I don't feel ambushed in my own home.

If I want to slob out in my PJs and no bra, I wouldn't want my FIL wandering in.

And I wouldn't want to feel like I had to be permanently available to guests either.

I bet you've enjoyed the month's peace without them dropping by!

How do you explain it to them without them thinking you hate them?? Bc clearly they've not listened so far, even when I'm not in the room and it's DH telling them they're still not getting it!😩

I just think they sound like chummy family orientated types with a low sense of personal space...doesn’t mean they’re wrong or you’re wrong - just everyone’s different. Surely you knew what your ILS were like before you got hitched right?

Fgs, get a sponge in make a cup of tea and clear the air with them. Surely there’s no need to go all Megan and Harry with your own family?!

Get your DH to tell them that the last few times they've "popped in" they've interrupted you having sex. He's tired of having to withdraw from your vagina, wash his penis and quickly tidy up the sex toys at short notice.

He's fed up of being a grown man and having parents that are cock-blockers.

Can they please give a minimum of 2 hours notice before visiting so you can enjoy your marital relationship in peace.

It shuts the argument down and guarantees advance warning of visits.

I do hear you Op, they sound hard work not listening

I posted this before and another poster was absolutely horrified, but my mum and I text before we call/ video call just to check it's a good time.

My ILs only wanted to drop in as they actively enjoyed messing up plans and making us feel ambushed and judged . If we agreed they should come at a certain time, they'd either not turn up or turn up really early (and complain we weren't in). MIL had a complete tantrum as she couldn't get through the locked gate as she hadn't said she's coming and hadn't even bothered calling.

Everything was fine though until a few months ago when they walked in and started an argument in front of the DCs about how we are ignoring the whole family and everyone agrees with them.

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP, even if they’d felt hurt, by bitching to the whole family and then turning up on mass and berating you all in front of the kids is really nasty!

So what if you don’t want to do everything exactly their way? It is okay to say you’d prefer some notice and it is okay to have some space from ILs now and then if you want. There has to be some compromise and flexibility.

I'm the same, but maybe going forward it's best to suggest days in advance to suit you to save them feeling rejected/cut out. The IL's want to see the GC's and probably want some adult conversation, they're not thinking you just want time to yourself and that's why they are insulted. Invite over and see if you can fix this, I'm sure there will be plenty of times you will need them at the drop of a hat in the future so it's good they don't stick to a strict agenda, you just needed to explain your boundaries better

I wouldn’t explain. I’d rise above it.

Go and visit your MiL with the baby without DH. Just for a quick cup of coffee. Don’t get into a big thing about it with her, but do say you have
A) not been trying to push them away
B) that you and DH just like a bit of notice. But that you would love her next Sunday for lunch of something.
C) that you were hurt you were deleted from Facebook but say let’s just stop the bad feelings now, and get on with it. Leave it there.

I hate ppl dropping in unannounced. Let me have a 10min tidy and scrub the toilet.
I had to tell my mother off for this last week, she has no boundaries

I would feel the same about my DM as I would about PILs dropping in unannounced (I would hate it) It isn't always an in-law thing

Not everybody has families that book appointment to meet their relatives weeks in advance. Many have more spontaneous relationships. It seems to me that instead of trying to find a middle ground you are trying to change the whole family to meet your particular expectations.

I’m not surprised your husband is upset, he is between a rock and a hard place, having to reject behaviours that are normal to him to keep you happy.

They sound like toxic narcissists.
They will NEVER admit any wrongdoing or apologise.

You just need to focus on your boundaries and give them the broken record "WE asked you to respect our boundaries by arranging visits instead of just popping in whenever YOU want. Your ONLY choice is to respect our boundaries"

They won't respect them though - they're not programmed that way.
What they will do is keep harassing, guilt-tripping, manipulating and trying to brow-beat you into submission.
Don't let them.

Why on earth are posters telling the OP, that she has to find a middle ground? There is no middle ground with her in-laws! She and her husband simply want them to give some decent notice, instead of turning up 10mins after they phone/text. Where do you think the middle ground would lie with the in-laws? 15 mins notice, instead of 10? It’s not too much to expect some notice that you’re going to have visitors in your own home. I think there’s a certain level of arrogance in people that think that their hosts should be happy to drop whatever they’re doing to entertain visitors. The OP and her husband has a right to decide how they spend their own time too. The deleting from Facebook is just spiteful and childish.

I think a lot of people are also ignoring a bigger problem here. You’re saying it’s not just your in-laws now, but the whole family who have deleted you off Facebook. And that part of the argument was that they said you never spoke to the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. (Your words: especially since none of them ever speak to us in the first place!)

So it sounds like it’s not JUST about them popping in without warning and you not liking that. You say the family never spoke to you, but did you make attempts to speak to them and stay in touch with them, and then they just didn’t talk to you? Was it a two-way street?

Without knowing that, I don’t know if you’re being unreasonable. I do think it should be able to be sorted, though. It does kind of sound like maybe you don’t like them (you don’t want them to be around much, you don’t talk to the extended relatives, etc) and if that’s the case, they may have pushed in even harder, like stopping by more often, because they’re afraid of losing their son if their DIL doesn’t like their family.

Good luck, OP. These things can be difficult to navigate.

They didn’t feel welcome to pop in and visit. They felt like you weren’t interested in seeing them. They came round and told you that. You didn’t contact them for A MONTH. And now MIL has had to make contact first again.

You sound like you should be more friendly. If you’re the one setting rules for when people can visit, you should be inviting them at convenient times, not just doing radio silence until they get hurt and it all kicks off

If they're sending nasty texts, that's worrying. And weird.

Tell dh to explain ye have your own way of doing things.

They probably think they’re lovely people but they sound uncivilized.

Do not cook them a meal or compromise, your house your way.

I don’t know...culturally for me this is all strange. I cannot ever imagine my mother (she passed away) having to make an appointment to see me or my kids. And sure you had a C section (so did I, twice) but that early phase passes no? After a point surely you are up and about and reasonably dressed? I mean I wouldn’t drop in on a friend unannounced or with little notice but immediate immediate family, I don’t quite get the formality at all. My BIL (single and no kids) will often text as he’s walking back from the Tube station to say ‘are the kids up? Can I say hi?’ And come by to read them a book, have a cup of tea and go home. And from the Tube stop to my house is maybe 6-7 mins. I just cannot imagine throwing a strop about this stuff. Unless they are demanding a 3 course meal!

So after the row - have you made any effort to talk to them? you say your MIL has been asking you why you are not talking to them - it sounds to me that you are expecting them to run after you- they may have seen the row as just clearing the air/being frank- and view your lack of communication as being argumentative?

The best way to avoid them dropping in unexpectedly is to set times when you meet ahead of time so they don't feel rejected.
does your DH really agree with you on the way this should work? its very hard to break the habits of a lifetime and he may just be agreeing with everyone

I have been in a very similar position. My ILS would pop in whenever they felt like it – we live very close by. I had a traumatic labour, and when DS was still newborn they would appear – separately sometimes – and basically bang on the windows, ring the bell shout through the letterbox, until I woke up and answered the door. It didn’t matter what we were doing – lunchtime, nap time, bath time, they wanted to be in because it suited them. They really seemed to think that the baby and I should fit in with their day. We asked them to let us know if they were planning on coming round, but even if we said it wasn’t suitable they would turn up anyway. With my ILS it seems it’s a case of once they get an idea in their heads, they will not deviate or be put off. I think for me, part of the problem is that I was raised by people who would not dream of turning up unannounced. MIL’s family is the opposite. I really don’t think you need to apologise: I think this would set a bad precedent. You haven’t really done anything wrong have you? At the moment it’s a case of what they want is in contrast to what you want ... I think you need to sit down and explain that you would like to see them, but it needs to be able to fit in with you and the baby. It’s not like you’re saying they can’t see the baby: all you’re asking is that they give you a little bit of notice and you can arrange between both sides when it’s best for them to visit. I really don’t see what’s wrong with that.