AIBU to never speak to the in laws again??

[Sunflower73590]

Fallen out with the in laws, are we in the wrong? So bit of backstory, we have 3 year old DD & 6 month old DS, we live in the same town as most of his family so minutes away yet hardly see them. Main problem is with DH parents and his sister,we got along great always texting and sending pics of the kids (she has child similar age) however never saw much of DSis in law as she only asks to see us when she needs somewhere to go eg at 9am after dropping Dniece at nursery and our house is closer so wants to kill time till pick up at 12, or ‘are you free in 10 mins I’m in town’ kinda deals. Problems started just after DS was born as we didn’t really want to be meeting in cafes etc, so although we spoke every few days we hardly saw each other. DH parents are similar as they either just come round and walk in or text ‘will you be in, in 10 mins’. We’ve told them we’re not okay with this and would like to know ahead of time if they’re coming round but clearly they’ve not listened. I know they think it’s me pulling the strings bc they’ve made comments like ‘DH wasn’t brought up like this we always just walk into families houses’. Everything was fine though until a few months ago when they walked in and started an argument in front of the DCs about how we are ignoring the whole family and everyone agrees with them, we had no idea anyone actually had a problem with us (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins), especially since none of them ever speak to us in the first place! We explained our side and that it must be a misunderstanding, that we’d just like to be asked ‘when are you free or are you free at this time’. They walked out saying they would ring us in a few days to sort everything out calmly, we never heard anything from them. Month or so later and MIL is now texting ‘why aren’t you speaking to us,don’t ignore us/shut us out’ kind of texts like we’re the ones who started the argument?! They had the problem with us yet they’re now turning it around like it’s all our doing? I hate the fact his whole family are looking at us like we’ve just cut everyone out and hate them all so we’re ignoring them when that’s simply not true, we didn’t know anyone had a problem till they brought it up. They’ve now all deleted me on Facebook and are sending upsetting messages to DH constantly, I don’t know how we can move on from this at all? DH is heartbroken his parents are treating him like this and feels there’s no coming back from this! Any advice? Should we just invite them round and apologise??🤦🏼‍♀️

How do they walk in, why isn't your door locked, catch down for safety & why do they have a key to let themselves in if that's what they're doing.

They're used to informal drop ins as their default family thing , so next time they text can we drop by in 10mins just text back & say 'can you give me half an hour, am in the middle of something'. Compromise. If your SIL wants to kill 3hours, just say you're off out.

@StillCoughingandLaughing patronising much? I didn’t skim read. I read the OP. And when your family tell you they don’t feel welcome, and you insist they are, you don’t leave it a month before getting in touch. It doesn’t matter at all who said they would get in touch. The OP could have reached out. Someone saying they’ll get in touch, and then not (for whatever reason) doesn’t necessarily mean that you can sit there not making contact, because it’s their responsibility.

Aghast is a tad dramatic, but I’m certainly confused about why if you did actually want a relationship with people, you wouldn’t make it obvious h your actions. Everyone seems to find them stand-offish, and if OP isn’t happy to be seen that way, she needs to something different.

What’s complicated?

The in-laws like to pop.
OP and her DH do not like being popped at.
The in-laws do not like being asked to cease their popping.
In-laws then throw a family wide strop, including hitting the nuclear Facebook “delete friend” button.
They are DHs family. It is surely HIS job to do all the “reaching out” that PPs speak of? If he doesn’t like the popping either, the flak must be shared and the OP not painted as “mean nasty DIL who likes to have a say in who comes in her own home and when - so unreasonable”.
The fact that some posters like to pop and be popped at is neither here nor there. OP and her DH do not.

The OP could have reached out. Someone saying they’ll get in touch, and then not (for whatever reason) doesn’t necessarily mean that you can sit there not making contact, because it’s their responsibility.

The in-laws could have also reached out - just as they’d claimed they would. Instead they’ve acted like daft kids hitting the delete button. If you’re angry about supposedly being ‘ignored’ by someone, why cut off a communication channel, unless out of sheer belligerence?

Not much to do with them until you had kids then they get upset because you want fall in with the way they do things.

Horrid messages and Facebook defriending... Are they 13?

Are you sure you want to maintain a relationship? They don't sound easy to reason with.

Is there anyone in the wider family you would like to reach out to?

@StillCoughingandLaughing the in-laws DID reach out, and pointed out that the entire extended family feels the same way? I think you’re being purposefully obtuse, so let’s agree to disagree

I’m not being purposely obtuse at all. The in-laws said they would get in touch within a few days, but instead waited a month, complained the OP hadn’t contacted THEM, before deleting her from Facebook. What’s ‘obtuse’ about suggesting they haven’t exactly made it easy?

Lots of DH's family, all living in the same town. That would have been enough to have me running for the hills when I first met him. Massive red flag! I have read, I'd say, around 4 threads on this site from women of who live with their husband/partner in the same town or small community as their husband/partner's almost entire family. It NEVER works out, these other posters said the same thing as you. That DH/DP's family drop in whenever they want, etc. As I said yours is at least the 4th one I have seen on this site. It is never a good idea to live all in the same town especially if you are not of that same mindset/upbringing. It never, never truly works out unless you are both from the same type of open door culture/upbringing. You are clearly not. I also, am not. Personal space is very important to me, I feel suffocated otherwise. Even my best friend knows better than to just show up (unless it was an emergency of course). If it were me, as soon as I found out that most of his family lived in the same community - which is gigantic large flashing neon warning signs in my opinion/experience, I would have either ran away from a relationship with him as fast as my legs could take me, or determined that we would move away from the area. No way would I stay in the same town. I just couldn't. I'd die, I'd have a nervous breakdown, literally - from the suffocation of it all.

So, imo you should either consider a move (which will at least slow down their visits), or write them a long earnest and heartfelt letter explaining that you are a very private person and require personal space and privacy; that you don't mean to insult them but you find people just turning up to be quite distressing, to be very overwhelming, you grew up in a different culture/upbringing and you just wish they would at least respect that, meet you half-way (so to speak), and try and see where you are coming from. Etc etc things like that. Print out and send to everyone in his family. And just hope that at least one of them 'comes around' to understanding you.

@Derbee to be fair I don’t think ILs ‘reached out’. They came around unannounced en masse and had a go at them, really bullying!

YANBU - my IL's pop in Sunday morning mostly when DH is out so I've got to entertain them for hours until he comes back.

@Derbee The ILs basically told the OP that they will contact them again in a few days/when they're ready. So the onus was on the ILs to contact them. Not on the OP. It seems to me that the OP has actually tried to compromise but the ILs are the ones not trying or at least only want everything their way, with no consideration to the OP or her child.

I've been exactly where you are right now. My in-laws refused to ring before they came and then got extremely annoyed if I wasn't in or busy or already had visitors. I asked and asked them not to turn up at 1 o'clock as the babies were sleeping but as my mother in law wanted to come at that time she refused to listen and turned up at that time anyway. My parents and family never ever just turned up, they understood I had my hands full with 2 babies so always rang and arranged in advance. I took to locking the door closing the curtains and unplugged the door bell. We had a massive falling out over 2 special Birthday meals for members of their family. They wanted me to bring the girls but I refused to. The first meal they booked for 9pm and the second 8pm. The kids were in a good bedtime routine and as my one child didn't sleep well at night I refused to take them out that late.
I was accused of not allowing her to have a relationship with the kids. I offered to drop them to their house once a week for a couple of hours. Funnily enough they didn't want that 😱 too much like hard work to actually spend time with them when they were older babies. I don't make any effort at all anymore and neither do they. I'm much happier now that I don't have to pretend that they don't piss me off.

I DON'T trust the extended family is angry with you; I think the toxic PIL are telling fictional tales to turn them against you then claiming is because of requiring notice before visiting