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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to spend all day every day with my 4 month old baby!

83 replies

momtoj · 22/09/2019 20:12

New to mumsnet and a new mom to a beautiful baby boy who is four months old. I have always struggled with anxiety and my big worry pre-baby was not bonding with him post baby or worrying about him constantly/not wanting to let him go.

I’ve actually been fine in that respect and we’ve formed a lovely bond. What’s more, we get out every day; go to lots of classes and I’m pretty good at passing him over to others too. Those things I worried about really didn’t come into fruition!

I love being with him but my ‘AIBU’ is I find it exhausting all day every day and get quite resentful of my husband who works. By 5pm, I’m tearing my hair out!

What’s more,I am also self-employed and as lucky enough to have a job I absolutely love and can be done from home.

I feel awful at only four months but feel being a mom at home is not enough for me, I really want to work a few days a week-even if I could afford to not work, I want to!

At the moment, my mom is going to start him for one half day and we have a lovely village nursery that I’m now contemplating putting him in for another half day. We originally thought about this in January but now I’m thinking about trying it in another month or two.

It’s financially doable and husband is on board but I guess I feel like what’s wrong with me that I’m contemplating it so early on with him?

Lots of fellow moms tell me how they can’t bear to be parted but although I love being with him and do miss him of course; I do also look forward to our time apart. My mom is having him overnight on Friday and I’m already fantasising about my long bath and lie in! I feel like people would think badly of me for wanting to be apart from him so young, then get incredibly angry given no one asks this question of my husband!

OP posts:

Yoohoo16 · 22/09/2019 20:15

Don’t feel bad. I went back to work when my dd was 13 weeks old due to being self employed. It saved my sanity. I really struggled being at home with her and had started to suffer with depression. For me it was the best thing I could have done.
People will have an opinion whatever you do.

Lazypuppy · 22/09/2019 20:15

I was the same as you!when my dp got home from work i used to go to the gym or for a swim or something on my own for a few hours. Dd has always gone up to bed for 7pm since about 3 months so we have our evenings baby free

I can't spend 24/7 with my dd, and was so ready to go back to work at 9 months!

Fair play to women who can, but i certainly am not one of them.

Jobconfused · 22/09/2019 20:17

Definitely YANBU - I felt the same and went back to work as soon as I could. You don’t give up your identity just because you had a kid

justasking111 · 22/09/2019 20:18

Young babies are relentless and to be honest bloody boring. Use the nursery it will save your sanity and improve your productivity no end.

Booksandwine80 · 22/09/2019 20:19

You need to do whatever works and feels right for your family. Everyone is different, it’s better that you’re happy

MrsMozartMkII · 22/09/2019 20:20

I was a SAHM and both my DDs went to nursery one day a week from about six months old. Gave me time to do my thing and DDs had time with other little ones.

Original poster

momtoj · 22/09/2019 20:22

Thank you @Yoohoo16 I am the same-my midwife told me to lock the doors and stay in for the first few weeks ; I had a c section too but I couldn’t hack it-I needed fresh air and conversation!! I take him out every day because my mental health just goes downhill when we stay in; my work is great for my anxiety because I just throw myself into it!

OP posts:

MuchTooTired · 22/09/2019 20:22

YANBU, I can completely relate. You’ll be judged whatever you do, so do what feels right for you!

LisaSimpsonsbff · 22/09/2019 20:23

I went back to work (full-time) at six months and was very, very ready to do so! I do remember sitting in tears after yet another 'oh but how can you bear to/I could never have done that/they're only little once' conversation thinking 'wtf is wrong with me?' - but I later realised that nothing is wrong with me, we're just all different.

What did then come as a big shock to me is how much harder I found leaving DS once he was about one - I assumed that if I'd found it easy when he was diddy I always would. I enjoyed him so much more after that first year, and he could show that he missed me (and didn't want me to go) much more. I wish I could have done everything backwards and gone back to work asap after he was born but then had a year's maternity once he was one!

Original poster

momtoj · 22/09/2019 20:26

That is a good idea @Lazypuppy he now goes down at 7pm too which helps! Husband sometimes has weekdays off and is thinking of compressed hours so he could have baby whilst I worked. The problem is when he’s home, I feel like we should spend time of a family when what I want to do really is take myself off to the park with a good book/soak in the tub/ do my work etc! Such a hard balance

OP posts:

LisaSimpsonsbff · 22/09/2019 20:26

Oh and I literally gave myself infected stitches because I was so keen to get out and about after I had DS that I just sort of pretended that my second degree tear wasn't there and didn't hurt . That one I do regret! I think I can count on one hand the number of days I've spent with him entirely in our house without going somewhere (if only a walk with the pram) - I honestly don't know how people can hack a whole day in with a baby/toddler!

bellajay · 22/09/2019 20:27

This all sounds totally normal! 4-6 months especially were a real slog for me. It’s got gradually easier since then but my in-laws take him for half a day each week and it’s total bliss!

I can’t say that I miss him desperately when I’m away from him for a few hours, I need alone time and it definitely makes me a better mum.

Original poster

momtoj · 22/09/2019 20:29

@MrsMozartMkII that’s good to hear! I feel like how I have to justify it with ‘i Could earn xxx, I could do xxx’ but I also need to do things like get my hair cut and eyebrows done (developed a life of own); Actually cook a nice meal etc!

OP posts:

rosegoldivy · 22/09/2019 20:29

YANBU DD is 11 weeks and I am on mat leave until after Easter. I physically CANNOT sit in the house all day with her. I would honestly lose my fuckin mind.

We get out and about everyday and we have started some wee classes. On a weds for the last 4 weeks I've dropped her off at my parents at 9am and picked her up at 4pm. I get peace. Just pure me time to do whatever I want. Remember me time? Last week I lay on the couch with a large mcds and watched shite TV. Done no housework. Preppes no meals. Just lay there like a big fat slob. Lol I love Wednesdays.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 22/09/2019 20:31

Also also (last post I promise!) I thought all the women I knew who loved having tiny babies while I hated it were just better and more natural mothers than me, but without exception they're now finding the walking/getting into everything/total chaos toddler stage difficult whereas I'm currently loving it. It turned out I had different strengths and weaknesses as a mother, not that I was just crap at it!

Original poster

momtoj · 22/09/2019 20:31

@LisaSimpsonsbff thank you! I did think there was something wrong with me on Friday as we had no plans and I was googling baby classes! A lot of my friends say don’t you just enjoy lazy days with them! But no, I need to get out! Doesn’t help that he is convinced he can walk/sit up and is constantly trying (but of course failing!) to do both either! I think it might be easier in a few months when he can do more but I’ll probably rue saying that!

OP posts:

Simkin · 22/09/2019 20:33

Just do what you want. And if you are lucky enough to be in a position to do what you genuinely want, don't waste it! You're talking about nursery and a loving granny 1 day a week, not sending him to boarding school!

Original poster

momtoj · 22/09/2019 20:33

OMG @rosegoldivyI love this! I want to do that as well as work! My mom is amazing but then last week when she dropped him after I’d worked solidly; she did manage to declare loudly ‘oh you’ve not managed to clean the bathroom then’ 🤔

OP posts:

Samsamsuperman · 22/09/2019 20:33

In my honest opinion, the fact you are feeling this way makes you very normal and very sane.

I love my children with every ounce of my being - they are my favourite people and I'm at my happiest when I'm with them. Providing I don't have to be with them 24 hours a day! If my mat leave had been extended by a day I would have gone mad.

We're grown adults, work is good for us!

Plenty of men feel the same and don't get judged for it - so don't worry.

aidelmaidel · 22/09/2019 20:35

I started DD at nursery three days a week at three months old and it was a great choice. Look, I love my DH too but I don't want to be up his arse all day long. I need time to do me things. I love DD best of anything in the world, but part of why I'm able to feel that way is because I have space to have my career as well.

StarlingsInSummer · 22/09/2019 20:36

There’s definitely nothing wrong with you. Babies are lovely and cuddly and cute and wonderful, but let’s face it, they’re pretty poor conversationalists. One of the worst things about my maternity leave was how bloody dull it was half the time! I tried to get out every day with DS but that was incredibly tiring. It feels like you can’t win sometimes!

My one hesitation with your plan would be that half a day a week isn’t enough for your DC to get used being in nursery, and he may struggle to settle. A couple of half days might be better.

LolaSmiles · 22/09/2019 20:37

You're not unreasonable at all. Not everyone loves being at home.

Your feelings are your feelings and if you're in a position to make your life more enjoyable then why wouldn't you?

aidelmaidel · 22/09/2019 20:37

Next time your mum makes a cheeky fuck comment about the bathroom, bore her solid with a long account of all the work things you did.

StarlingsInSummer · 22/09/2019 20:42

@LisaSimpsonsbff I too found the toddler stage so much easier and more fun. It helped that DS has never been tantrumy (though he’s whiny as anything some days). I find every day as parent easier than the one before!

Aldibaldi555 · 22/09/2019 20:43

YANBU
I found mat leave so lonely, felt much better once back at work

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