To not want to spend all day every day with my 4 month old baby!

[momtoj]

New to mumsnet and a new mom to a beautiful baby boy who is four months old. I have always struggled with anxiety and my big worry pre-baby was not bonding with him post baby or worrying about him constantly/not wanting to let him go.

I’ve actually been fine in that respect and we’ve formed a lovely bond. What’s more, we get out every day; go to lots of classes and I’m pretty good at passing him over to others too. Those things I worried about really didn’t come into fruition!

I love being with him but my ‘AIBU’ is I find it exhausting all day every day and get quite resentful of my husband who works. By 5pm, I’m tearing my hair out!

What’s more,I am also self-employed and as lucky enough to have a job I absolutely love and can be done from home.

I feel awful at only four months but feel being a mom at home is not enough for me, I really want to work a few days a week-even if I could afford to not work, I want to!

At the moment, my mom is going to start him for one half day and we have a lovely village nursery that I’m now contemplating putting him in for another half day. We originally thought about this in January but now I’m thinking about trying it in another month or two.

It’s financially doable and husband is on board but I guess I feel like what’s wrong with me that I’m contemplating it so early on with him?

Lots of fellow moms tell me how they can’t bear to be parted but although I love being with him and do miss him of course; I do also look forward to our time apart. My mom is having him overnight on Friday and I’m already fantasising about my long bath and lie in! I feel like people would think badly of me for wanting to be apart from him so young, then get incredibly angry given no one asks this question of my husband!

Do what feels right to you! You are baby's mum and if going back to work will make you feel happier then go for it! Baby will be absolutely fine

YANBU, OP.

Personally, I found that there's a lot of pressure on mothers to engage in competitive grieving when they go back to work. I missed my baby very much when I returned to work after maternity leave but, honestly, I found it pretty easy to compartmentalize my life and get on with things. But I still felt that I had to make the right noises to other mothers about being utterly devastated and having my heart torn out of my chest, because it was what they expected. The same with the (rare) nights out that I managed when my DC was little - I genuinely missed her but there was an extent to which I felt I had to feign reluctance to go out, so people wouldn't think I was an "unnatural" mother.

Someone actually said "don't you enjoy lazy days with them?" to the OP? My little girl is six months now - the last two months have not involved any "lazy days" for my partner, at home with her. She is terrible at napping. It's work, constant work. Some of it absolutely joyful but still constant.

I'm taking over from her in October so she can go back to work - we're lucky to live in a country where maternity and paternity leave are heavily state funded for a year.

I'm looking forward to the bonding time but I'm under no illusions that I'm going to be more relaxed or anything...

Another YANBU and a raised eyebrow to cherrysherbet to whom I say

• OP has got good cover
• some people are single parents and need the income
• some of us need two salaries even if we go without holidays, don't have a car and keep expenses down to a minimum
• some of us therefore need to get back on the career ladder to keep our place
• many of us want to go back because we enjoy jobs
• it's unfair and unwise to put all the fee earning onto the husband
• it's only comparatively recently in human terms that a mother could be a SAHM unless the family was well off.
• my DC had great child care. I took more time off when they were teenagers. Others reverse this.

@NewLevelsOfTiredness

The only “lazy days” with my 6m old DS exist in my dreams

I went back to ft work (as a teacher) when dd2 was 6 months old. She'd already had various settling sessions with the cm. I needed the ft salary coming in, but I also needed some time apart from DD. We'd done a baby group/class every day since she was just a few days old, and I'd walked miles trying to get her to nap during the day. It felt like relative sanity to go to work and deal with teen-agers, who can be argumentative but you can have an actual conversation with them. I'd even been given the timetable from hell, with 6 of my 7 classes being already known for bad behaviour (I genuinely came to like them, but my God it was hard work getting to that stage!!).

Time to yourself is something a lot of us want/need/enjoy. I hadn't had any "lazy days" during my mat leave, DD didn't ever nap without being fed or walked in her buggy (not the pram, she hated the pram, sling or buggy only). I loved mat leave, but I was completely ready for it to be over. It's a distant memory now, as she's 9, but I distinctly remember the relief of going back to work it was short-lived, then I really wanted to be back at home after a couple of weeks

I’m self employed and started doing a couple of days a week when dc was 6mo. I enjoyed the days I did have with him so so much more and we both had much more fun when I had two days at my desk.

It also felt much more natural to me to ease in gently than it would have to take a year completely off then go back ft.

Chiming in to the chorus that this is absolutely fine, OP! I kept my full-time nanny when my second was born, and it was really lovely to have the help and also the ability to spend some time to myself each day. I was able to do some work and also take care of myself. There's no prize in doing it all yourself! If you can financially afford it, I say take all the help you can get!