To not want to spend all day every day with my 4 month old baby!

[momtoj]

New to mumsnet and a new mom to a beautiful baby boy who is four months old. I have always struggled with anxiety and my big worry pre-baby was not bonding with him post baby or worrying about him constantly/not wanting to let him go.

I’ve actually been fine in that respect and we’ve formed a lovely bond. What’s more, we get out every day; go to lots of classes and I’m pretty good at passing him over to others too. Those things I worried about really didn’t come into fruition!

I love being with him but my ‘AIBU’ is I find it exhausting all day every day and get quite resentful of my husband who works. By 5pm, I’m tearing my hair out!

What’s more,I am also self-employed and as lucky enough to have a job I absolutely love and can be done from home.

I feel awful at only four months but feel being a mom at home is not enough for me, I really want to work a few days a week-even if I could afford to not work, I want to!

At the moment, my mom is going to start him for one half day and we have a lovely village nursery that I’m now contemplating putting him in for another half day. We originally thought about this in January but now I’m thinking about trying it in another month or two.

It’s financially doable and husband is on board but I guess I feel like what’s wrong with me that I’m contemplating it so early on with him?

Lots of fellow moms tell me how they can’t bear to be parted but although I love being with him and do miss him of course; I do also look forward to our time apart. My mom is having him overnight on Friday and I’m already fantasising about my long bath and lie in! I feel like people would think badly of me for wanting to be apart from him so young, then get incredibly angry given no one asks this question of my husband!

100% not unreasonable at all!!!! I completely relate, my daughter is a little over three months and she is incredible and I love her, like you I go to classes and things, but I struggle with being at home with her all the time! Before I had her I worked full time and enjoyed having my routine and interacting with adults all day everyday and being at home with a baby couldn't be more different! Don't worry about what other mums say, all mum's and babies are different and they will do what's right for them and you need to do what's right for you! X

Taking care of a baby's financial future is also love

YANBU. I'm 3 weeks away from going back to work part time after a year off and I am Done. I love DS to pieces, bless him, but I've been to 7 different terms of baby classes, walked off about 2 stone in endless hours round the shops/library/park, eaten about 4 tonnes of cake with my NCT group, and (in the beginning) got a bit Netflixed out. Your little one is about to get both more interesting and more exhausting - weaning, sleep regression, rolling and then crawling. For me this means if I am in the house I'm slowly following DS on his commando crawl house tours, making sure he doesn't headbutt things. It's been fun but I couldn't do it full time.

I am self employed and restarted work on a small level when DD was 8 weeks. When she was four months I was working two evenings a week (tutoring).

My only thought on reading your OP is that your idea of half a day of nursery a week may backfire. Half a day is not enough time for a baby to become familiar with the setting. DD's nursery have a minimum requirement of two days per week because their experience is that babies settle better the more time they spend there.

We all need a rest from our children. You are in this for the long haul, OP, and it is better to be realistic and not set unreasonable demands on yourself.

When my dd was small, I was lucky enough to only have to put her in a nursery until 2 pm. The only mother I knew who didn't send her child to nursery was famous throughout the neighbour for yelling and slapping the poor wee thing, but used to say that she kept her at home to be able to enjoy her.

The way you feel is absolutely fine. It seems like you just don’t feel particularly fulfilled by the baby stage. We are all different. If you’re clamouring for a bit more intellectual stimulation you will probably be far more excited when your child starts to talk.
9.9/10 fathers go back to work FT after a week of paternity leave and you don’t hear them crying about missing out on precious time with their newborn.

Healthy, normal and absolutely relatable.

Those middle months demand lots of interaction....for the Mum.

Once your baby is well looked after, all bets are off. Take time for yourself.

You will be a better mum for it👍

My relationship with my husband drastically improved once I went back to work when my son was 8 months. My mood was also better - I survived maternity leave because I had a friend who I met up with every day who also did not love the tiny baby stage. The one thing I would do differently is to just go back a day or two a week at first, as it was an exhausting body shock going back into almost full-time work (4 days) and the whole new routine that goes with it (including sleep regression for us...). He also caught every bug going so I kept having to take days off for that anyway. Your plan sounds great!

I really felt (and still feel) physically upset when I have to leave DD to go to work, I wish I was a SAHM. That said, I always worry that people somehow think I'm too precious or pathetic in how upset I get being away from my DD. My point is that no matter how you feel, or how you act someone is always there to criticise. It somehow comes with the territory of being a new mum. Do what's best for you OP, you clearly have a great bond with your baby, don't listen to other people's hang-ups (something I'm trying to learn to do myself!!)

Sounds like you just don't like the newborn stage that much. YANBU it's boring and hard and you need a proper break from it.

I have only just gone back to work after nearly 3 years as a SAHM. I full on grieved leaving the job I loved (just wasn’t feasible for me to do it full tome or let time and our situation. Allowed for me to SAH). I was balling telling my team. I’m lucky I’ve stepped back into the same team (less senior role part time) and I BLOODY LOVE being back at work and I wish I’d done it sooner. While I was a sAHM I had a plan/outing/group every day and I am also treasurer for our local baby/play group. Certain things saved my sanity and I can’t say I’ve hated being at home. But I totally empathise and if my DD had been even a tiny bit more relaxed then our situation may have been different. I’m waffling. Do what you need to do and try not to feel judged x

Sounds like you just don't like the newborn stage that much

I loved the newborn stage frankly but I was still happy to have my baby looked after by other people so that I could have some time to do other things. Are there really people who want to spend 24/7 just with their babies?

YANBU I was exactly the same - just check the nursery will have him half a day - a lot will only take children for 2 days +

Oh and the PP who says women should only go back to work if they need the money is patronising beyond belief.

Yes most of us do need the money as in this day and age most families need two wages to survive but I you know I also wanted to go back to my career that I had spent years in education for and fifteen years climbing the ladder - none of which would be questioned if I were a man.

OP my DS is 5 now. He went into childcare at 7 months - he's perfectly happy and I'm still his favourite person. We have a lovely relationship but he understands that adults have to go to work. Just because I didn't carry him round in a rainbow sling until he went to school doesn't mean he feels any less loved (plus he's not screeching down my ear each morning and having to be physically teared away from Mummy as I have witnessed with some for the last couple of weeks).

OP you didn’t call your baby full, but objectively he probably is. You will have more fun with him when he’s 18m+. As you’re self employed, I’d consider working a bit now to buy yourself more time with him later on.

I went back to work 4 days a week at 6/7 months. Babies did 2 days a week at nursery and settled well. Friends who started nursery after a 12/13 month maternity leave found the transition harder. I agree with others that half a day might not be sufficient to let your baby settle in.

People will judge you whatever you do. Try to choose what’s best for your family.

Everyone is different. I waited a long time for my baby. Yes it is hard sometimes looking after a baby all day everyday but they are only babies for a short time. Yes there are times when I think how nice it would be to have half an hour to myself but I don't have anyone to help out, my husband is out from 7 till 6 30 working. So I just get make the best of what I do have. I just feel so grateful and blessed to have a beautiful baby I really do. Work is just work and will always be there. No you don't have to loose your identity because you are a Mum now but you are a Mum and responsible for your child, things change and that has to be accepted. Make the most of your time with your precious baby, they are so so precious. I'm not judging you in anyway I do understand how you feel but try and remember how lucky and blessed you to have your little one

@VioletCharlotte congratulations on your baby! Mine was a much longed for baby too after a failed IVF. I think that’s the thing I am asking though; you can still feel grateful for something and want a break from it? And I guess the thing That riles me more (not you, just everyone): is whether you’d deliver the same speech to your husband if he said he was off for a few drinks after a work or round of golf? I am definitely realising how much of a double standard exists between men and women after having a baby and that’s what I find most frustrating.

Yes Thanks for all the comments, it’s really reassuring to know that I am completely normal in my feelings as I was starting to wonder if my brain is wired a bit differently!

I love my boy to bits and he was much wanted after a difficult journey, but I always felt very different to those moms who knew they wanted kids from a very early age and had a life plan and wanted to be a SAHM (who have my full respect because it is bloody hard!)

I always suspect my thoughts might change after a baby and whilst he’s my priority, I think I still value things like working (to clarify, I am far from rich and husband cannot cover our bills alone, but I’d be lying if I said I worked JUST for the money; I love what I do and I’m not sure what’s wrong with that?) just as much. Even more so in a way as I want to grow my business for him too!

I have always considered myself quite a ‘strong’ woman and have been with my husband since we’re teenagers-and he’s always known that I like to work, value my independence and not rely on a man so to speak (for want of a better term; I know with marriage you do essentially pool together). Not that women who don’t work rely on their husbands are weak-just trying to give a snapshot of our relationship previously.

So I guess that’s my frustration really; I feel like I have learnt the world is so sexist since having a baby (I mean newsflash-I know it always has been but the way people treat me and husband are so differently. Even MIL yesterday said ‘oh isn’t he so good looking after him after work and letting you have some time.’ No that’s called being a parent!) Even husband trotted off to pub with FIL yesterday for a few hours without thinking ‘when is his bath time due etc? but that’s a whole different thread I suppose!

It’s just hard isn’t it? I’ve woken up today and am already thinking how we can fill our time this week. Mornings are great as there’s loads of classes on but for some reason there’s nothing on during the afternoons and some days by 4pm I feel we’ve exhausted every book/activity station/game etc!’

I have spoken to the nursery as we go to a baby class there and they’ve said they are happy to have us for half a day-our village has quite an elderly population so there’s not that many kids. It’s only a four minute walk too so I’m very very lucky. However, I think the posters are right in saying that he might not get much out of it for such a small time so I might speak to husband about perhaps two half days etc-a full day feels very long at moment as I can get quite a lot done in a few hours!

Yes of course you can, we all need a break and I really do understand how you feel. It's really really hard being a mum. Not just looking after your baby but also all the changes your body goes through. I also hand little one over to husband when he's home. It is exhausting. I'm very lucky as my husband is very considerate and wouldn't just bugger off to the pub! I do agree it can be very one sided sometimes with the expectation of the woman to do everything!! And the man to receive a medal for looking after his child. Maybe people (MIL) just need a gentle reminder that isnt just the woman's job to look after the baby. Its a shared responsibility. Try and remember they don't stay this little for long, it's not forever. They are soon off to nursary running around and by the time you know it snotty teenagers who you can bearly get a word out of.

Work is just work and will always be there.

An awful, awful lot of women get a bit of a shock when they discover work actually wasn't just there waiting for them while they stayed at home medium- to long-term. If OP runs her own business then it may well not always be there if she completely steps away from it for her child's entire babyhood.

I got what was a good balance for me when DS was a baby and I was on ML

I took an IT course which was free at my local community college which was handily within walking distance. It wasn’t the main college but a satellite one. I also went to a swim and gym session one morning a week. Both of these places had a free crèche, this was 17 years ago though and I think the free subsidised crèche was unusual even then. DS and I used to have lunch at a cafe twice a week. I tried Mother and baby groups but utterly loathed most of them. Then I found one at my local church who used to rotate round different peoples houses but it wasn’t obligatory to host. I’m still friendly and see some of those women.

DS had the two half days and it was great plus he got used to being away from me as I was returning to work FT. It seemed manageable and good for us.

YANBU. I spend 24/7 with DD (she only wants me all night long; DP gets back after she goes to bed and I go with her) and I'm counting down the days til he takes over at 9 months and I can go back to work.

I adore her, and weekends are wonderful – splitting a happy baby and household chores and sleep and me-time between two parents is easy – but Mon-Fri alone with her is r e l e n t l e s s. And she's fairly lively and alert!

Yep Lisa doesn’t help I work in the media which is insanely competitive. If I don’t take the work, another freelance will! Also I used to be a teacher and I still have nightmares about going back! I have a chronic illness so know how lucky I am to have managed to find a job I love and can work from home without the stress of my old job! So yes, part of it I’m sure is a subconscious fear of losing what I have and being desperate to make it work-even though I’ve been in demand for a few years now.

Don’t worry about other mums and what they think and feel about being apart from their baby. It doesn’t matter one iota to how you feel.

Half a day with your mum and half a day at a local nursery is fine. I’m sure it will make you happier. Do it.

I don't know any mother that DOESN'T fantasise about a long hot relaxing bath in total silence or eating their dinner hot or not having to microwave their tea 3 times because it's gone cold or having a shower without hearing the baby crying, only to jump out soaking wet to find them fast asleep and realise you were hearing things......... I'd say you're totally normal to want time to yourself. Enjoy the peace and quiet when your little has a sleep over at grandma's!!