To not want to spend all day every day with my 4 month old baby!

[momtoj]

New to mumsnet and a new mom to a beautiful baby boy who is four months old. I have always struggled with anxiety and my big worry pre-baby was not bonding with him post baby or worrying about him constantly/not wanting to let him go.

I’ve actually been fine in that respect and we’ve formed a lovely bond. What’s more, we get out every day; go to lots of classes and I’m pretty good at passing him over to others too. Those things I worried about really didn’t come into fruition!

I love being with him but my ‘AIBU’ is I find it exhausting all day every day and get quite resentful of my husband who works. By 5pm, I’m tearing my hair out!

What’s more,I am also self-employed and as lucky enough to have a job I absolutely love and can be done from home.

I feel awful at only four months but feel being a mom at home is not enough for me, I really want to work a few days a week-even if I could afford to not work, I want to!

At the moment, my mom is going to start him for one half day and we have a lovely village nursery that I’m now contemplating putting him in for another half day. We originally thought about this in January but now I’m thinking about trying it in another month or two.

It’s financially doable and husband is on board but I guess I feel like what’s wrong with me that I’m contemplating it so early on with him?

Lots of fellow moms tell me how they can’t bear to be parted but although I love being with him and do miss him of course; I do also look forward to our time apart. My mom is having him overnight on Friday and I’m already fantasising about my long bath and lie in! I feel like people would think badly of me for wanting to be apart from him so young, then get incredibly angry given no one asks this question of my husband!

My boy is almost 6 months and I love him more than life itself but it is really hard spending all day every day with him. He’s quite high maintenance and needs entertaining all the time. If we didn’t go to classes then I think I’d actually go mad!!
When my husband comes in at 5pm I hand him straight over and go upstairs for half an hour to unwind! I even feel guilty about that. I get literally nothing done other than taking care of baby.

I hear of mothers whose babies take lovely 90 minute naps and they do their housework and have a hot cup of tea.

You are not being unreasonable and don’t feel guilty.

I loved my year long maternity leave with DS, but was happy to go back to work for 3 days a week! Do whatever feels right for you and your family and ignore anyone who tries to judge you!

OP, do whatever works for you. It wouldn't have worked for me (SAHM for a very, very long time), but there is a lot to be said for keeping your hand in with work - and nobody else can tell you what's right and what isn't in your own situation. FWIW, I find babies pretty uninteresting (including my own), but absolutely loved having toddlers. I wouldn't have missed a second of the toddler years, but other people hate them. As I say: do whatever works for you.

Do what works for you. It’s not obligatory to have baby Velcroed to you
You’ll get some comments and the face😳😢 no doubt, learn to fastidiously ignore such folk
I needed time for myself,my sanity. I didn’t want to be subsumed by the whole mummy thing

4 month old babies are dull. I feel like maternity leave is at the wrong time - DD got way more interesting and enjoyable to spend time with at about 10 months when I was going back to work!

Now as a toddler she’s my little sidekick and (apart from the tantrums) genuinely hilarious to spend time with. Although I am pleased it’s not all day every day.

People my age generally went back to work at 4 months and it was fine. Mums need to do some of what makes them happy in order to be good Mums. If you totally immerse yourself in Mummyhood there is a chance you'll end up feeling like you have lost yourself. Enjoy some time to yourself and ignore any guilt.

You’ll get some comments and the face😳😢 no doubt, learn to fastidiously ignore such folk
I needed time for myself,my sanity. I didn’t want to

One of the great things about going back to work was no longer having to deal with the face when people asked when/if I was going back. The thing about women at work is - and this is very, very obvious, but still somehow didn't occur to me - is that inherently they're all working mothers too! In my profession going back full time is the norm, whereas in the area I live in it really isn't, so it really helped to be in an environment where I wasn't the weird Ice Queen!

My first I really struggled. It was a massive shock working full time to suddenly nothing. My brain was bored, among other thing it led to PND. With my second I decided I would go back as soon as I was ready
At 5 weeks I went back it helped me bond even more with my second and I have the most fondest memories and I honestly really enjoyed being a mother. Theres not one card fits all, do whats best for your family and you are just as an important member too.

Sorry, that was badly phrased. Obviously not all women at work are working mothers - but the ones with children are!

Everyone's different op - you love your child, have a lovely bond and you also happen to want to back to work. Go for it! Can you imagine thinking any less of a man if they said this?!
It might also benefit your baby as sometimes when they get older the separation is harder then.

YANBU - your child needs a happy mum, not one who feels limited by her circumstances there's nothing horrible about feeling the need for your own space. I'll never forget hearing a mum say she loved that on her commute to and from work, none of her fellow commuters knew she was a mummy!

I went back to work a month or two before I planned with DC1, as I just was going a bit stir-crazy at home.

I ended up have 18 months with DC2 due to redundancy and I enjoyed that, but it helped that I'd learned to drive by then!

I was a SAHM and sent all mine to Nursery for a couple of mornings from 2 (we could afford it) - the relief was wonderful!
My favourite ages are up to 10 weeks and then teenagers. We're all different.

I didn’t feel the same way as you about my babies (I had three). Babies are not there for our entertainment! They’re not boring, they are tiny, people that need nurturing by someone who loves them. Yes, sometimes it’s hard, sometimes it’s relentless, but it’s what being a parent is all about, isn’t it? Being there for your children as much as you can...putting them before yourself?

If you need to work to earn a living, then I totally understand why you would use childcare, but choosing to because it suits you when he is only 4 months old? I just don’t get it. He’s not a doll you can give to someone else when you’re fed up. YABU.

You do what feels right for you and keeps you sane 😊 Mine are 20 and 18 now. I loved them to bits when they were babies, but I would have gone insane if I'd had to be at home with them all day every day. Back then, maternity pay was so low, so I had to go back to work when they were 8 weeks old. Like you, I was convinced there must be something wrong with me.
However I enjoyed the primary school age, and I love having older teens, whereas some of my friends who loved the baby stage are absolutely hating this bit!

i am with my baby 24/7 and yes i love it but we get out a lot!

we go to the shops, shopping, walk, groups, swimming, see friends, have coffee

i am mentally ready to go back to work and my baby is going nursery soon so i get space (for babies benefit as well as mine)! before i go back to work

just do what is best for you - i think nursery is a great idea!

I found out that I was a much better parent outdoors rather than indoors!

For instance, I knew a few women like cherrysherbet who I would see at baby groups and who would witter on inanely about how they wouldn't 'be dumping their babies on anyone else, they'd be raising them themselves'. There wasn't anyone like that at work, and I never had to see those women again once I went back to work and stopped going to baby groups, all of which was a blessed relief.

I've always thought mat leave should be from age 1-2. That baby relentless drudgery really isn't for me. Just as I got to enjoy it I went back to work.

@Cherrysherbet I never called my baby boring? I know some babies are very chill at his age but he is certainly not one of them! 😂 He is very lively and a right little chatterbox!

I think this response is a bit odd-I DO need to work to earn a living, my husband doesn’t earn enough to cover my portion of the bills so I am relying on MA (I get 10 keep in touch days) and some savings I’ve got. My point was simply that IF I did not need to work, I would still enjoy my job and want to work-I don’t think that’s an unreasonable thing to say. Women are entitled to want to do other things other than be around their children-I do wonder if you’d accuse my husband of thinking his child is a ‘doll’ since he was happy to have a baby and then hand him over to me 5 days a week to work?

My DS is 6 months and I was the same. DH worked long hours so I started getting up at 530/6am to workout a few times a week and get back so DH could leave for work at 7am. It was tiring but so worth it, made such a difference to my well being!

Sounds pretty normal to me.

Whether or not you need the money its sensible to keep a foot in the job market - you never know what might happen in the future.

Lots of parents find they are better parents when they don't do it seven days a week. Noboyd asks new fathers if they feel guilty or wrong for wanting to return to work.

I lost the plot for a good few years as a SAHM. Really admire women that can do it and stay sane, I couldn't. It sent me to a bad place. My kids are now all in school, I work and I'm loving it. The time I get with them is quality time, they get so much more out of it than when I was just worn down from being nothing but 'mum'.

People can think what they like op, you need to do what makes you happy. Some people go through life not knowing how to make themselves happy, if you know, you owe it to yourself to do it.

You have a bond with your son, that will make him secure when he’s away from you.

I always felt that when you give birth, you get a bundle of guilt as well as a bundle of joy. Don’t listen to the guilt, do the work to love and enjoy your son even more for some time apart.

Starting my son in childcare at six months (part time ) was the greatest feeling ever. I began to genuinely love the time I had with him . It was like a weight lifted. Everything felt easier.

Second time round my daughter went to chilcare even earlier.

I hated being alone with a baby with nothing else in my life. Just not for me. I loved my time working part time though.

He's not a doll??? What a weird way to look at it. My six month old was cared for and loved not just by me but also by his childminder. I made sure his cm was extremely caring and loving and then everyone involved could be happy.

If you need to share care to be a better parent then don't be a martyr. I don't need to be entertained by my babies. I just was deeply unhappy doing nothing but childcare. And how does having a bored unhappy carer help any baby thrive ?

In traditional societies adults shared care of babies. An adult spending long days alone with a baby has literally never happened in human history until the last fifty or so years.