To hate my single life?

[namedownforit]

Would desperately like to meet someone and can't. Just a moan, I'm so very unhappy.

I understand where you are coming from I am 32 and never had a real relationship. I also have fertility issues so I know I am running out of time in that regard. It hasnt bothered me up until recently. I feel the same about ons but do have a 'friend with benefits' that I see sometimes for a bit of intimacy but it doesnt fill the gap of the emotional side. Same issues with married friends etc but I have a happy and busy life apart from being alone! Not quite sure what to do to change it really maybe I need to give online a proper go but I never find anyone

I was single at 35 and wanted a family etc. I looked at the situation - crap romantic history - and could see the common denominator was me. There was bad luck, bad men etc. But I was the one choosing the men, getting it wrong etc. So if I wanted the pattern to change, I had to change. I hated the idea of counselling, but basically decided I would do it almost to teach myself how to do relationships, in the same way as you might learn French or crocheting (!). Met a lovely man not long after, and now have family etc. I’m happy, but I had to be tough with myself and work at it. You still have time, but not much realistically. If you’re in a rut, and you want a change, you’re going to have to be decisive. It isn’t too late.

Some people can be entirely contented single, and some find it torture. Neither is a better kind of person!

You sound like you are in the second type. You're saying you feel you have exhausted absolutely every option for changing it. If you really had to choose, would your instinct say "try more things" or would it say "make my peace with being alone"? You don't need to answer that except in your head, obviously! Only you know where you want to put your energies, and the truth is that either option DOES take tonnes of energy, and that sucks on an evening when you're worn out and down and it all looks rubbish.

Can you just allow yourself to feel all those tough things tonight, and to rest, and not make any big choices or plans for a bit?

(I come at this from a position of over 15 years single and have long since made the choice to stay single because it's right for me. I'm not that much older than you. 7 years ago I became a parent, and that is amazing. Adoption is not right for everyone, at all, but it totally changed my life.)

Do you meet many men in your day-to-day life, ie job and free time?

If you don't, then it's highly unlikely that you will get into a relationship? Sure, we've all heard of people who met their partner in the queue to pay at Sainsbury, but those are the exception rather than the rule. It's not easy to change job, so whatever you do when you're not working needs to include more single blokes. Classes or hobbies aimed at them as well as women, bars they go to, online dating (counts as meeting men) etc. If you aren't meeting men, a relationship probably won't fall into your lap.

When you are meeting them, ask them out. Ignore the often posted bollocks about men don't like to be asked - they'd prefer to do the chasing. Some will, some won't, but few will reject the advanced of a woman based on that.

And, of course, try not to come across as desperate as you're coming across on here. You want men to think you have fun in your life, and thus it would be fun to date you. If you are having a hard time at the moment, then I'm sorry to hear that, but that isn't going to attract a potential date.

Do your female friends know that you feel like this? They might have some single male friends to whom they can introduce you.

I know what you mean OP - I was single for many years before meeting DP - but I think most posters on here are a bit right- it is true you need to be happy in yourself, and all that and it is also true that doing more hobbies/ getting out more etc etc might help.
The thing that helped me though was finally realising that actually, it is just luck if you meet the one for you. It is easy to get a boyfriend if you are not fussy- but I sense you don't want any boyfriend but a genuine connection with someone - that is a tricky one - for me it was about working out how to live if I was never lucky enough to meet someone, that sounds depressing but it turned my mindset as I could not cope with the constant hope of 'join this club you might meet someone' or ' never turn down any invite as the man of your dreams might be there' I found that exhausting, like I wasn't putting enough effort in and it somehow was my fault if I was single.

In this situation I would get a dog and lots of hobbies that involved socialising.

I understand OP. I have children and I'm too old to have more, so that pressure isn't there, but the standard 'get a hobby' advice just isn't practical for me. I don't have enough time to myself to do that. I'm exhausted.

I OLD when I can, but there isn't anything else I can do I don't think. Sometimes I just want a moan about it, without looking for advice!

I met someone when I was 37.5 years old and within 6 months I was pregnant.

I will be 39 next year and have a family.

My sibling used to tease me about my fertility issues and I was very lonely as well.

I found my partner on Bumble after years of meeting absolute losers and abusive men. All you have to do is rock up to dates and make sure you vet them (due diligence checks) before you commit.

OP sorry you’re lonely. I’m lucky to have a dh and children but I’m still very lonely as I don’t have any friends.

I would say get there and socialise as much as possible. It’s a numbers game. Tinder, bumble try them all (but be safe). Try lots of new activities, ask friends to set you up. The more you’re out in the world the more likely you are to meet someone.

You can't pin your hopes on someone just turning up in your life and "curing" your loneliness. Fill the void, learn to be comfortable on your own. It's much more attractive. You can go on hundreds of dates but if your attitude is "I'm so lonely I just want someone" you will only end up with a wrongun' as they can sniff out vulnerability from a mile away.
You need to become happy with yourself and live a full and interesting life. Do new things, have new experiences. Someone will then come along when you least expect it.

So many patronising posts 'you need to love yourself first', you have 'issues', OP, fuck's sake, the OP just wants to meet a nice bloke. Stop telling her she is fucked up.

I was quite content being single but I wanted to meet a lovely DH and when I finally did (mid forties) I simply felt happier, because, ultimately, meeting a lovely DH was what I wanted. Those saying 'I couldn't imagine living with a man, I'd rather die', well the OP and me and many others don't want to imagine NOT living with a man. Utterly pointless telling the OP she needs to change her mindset

@BossAssBitch no but she does need to get out there. Sadly she can only help herself and whilst I do feel very very sorry for her no one but her can help her meet someone. People are suggesting going out and about more because it will open up potential opportunities to meet someone. Some people do need to work on themselves. They maybe have too high a standard and won’t compromise on things that could be compromised on. People are making suggestions. Unless op just wants to people to say oh you poor thing. People are trying to be helpful.

I think people underestimate quite how life sucking loneliness really is. And how perversely, people can almost 'smell' it on you and then move right away, as if they're afraid they'd catch it.
I don't have a solution OP beyond the usual - put yourself out there etc which I know is not very helpful being this vague. But I do have good friends who were in the same boat. Brilliant, beautiful, funny women who somehow were single for years. Well into their 40s. They all are in relationships now, some playing the online game, some through friends, one through a professional matching service. Dont give up OP. You will make it happen xxx

OP, you say you haven't met anyone due to lack of interest, but is that your interest or theirs.

Why do you think you haven't met anyone to have a relationship with? Have you been proactive about it, like really pro active or have you just been waiting for the right one to come along.

Are you ultra fussy. My sister is and puts obstancles in the way before she's even met someone and she has such a long list of what she doesn't like she's pretty much made it impossible. Compromise needs to be a thing, no one is going to tick all your boxes, so as long as your non negotiable ones are ticked that's the main thing.

So yeah, why do you think it hasn't happened yet? It will!!

And agree with aniawl - lonliness is awful. Not just boredom but real
lonliness, it's gut wrenching and soul destroying.

Hi namedownforit

I don't really have any advice I just wanted to say I think I know how you feel.

I'm recently single after a string of longish term relationships, one of which I'm starting to realise was quite abusive. I'm in counselling now and some PPs have made excellent points about needing to be happy with yourself/your life before finding a relationship. Because, yes, if you don't you can end up with low boundaries and single is better than a bad relationship.

BUT

It can still be hard. I'm a bit younger than you at 31 and I live alone, have a good group of friends, some aqquaintances I sometimes socialise with, plenty of creative hobbies and a group I go to weekly.
It can still be lonely.

I'm on annual leave atm and I'm off to Brugge on Wednesday, which will be fab. so today I've washed stuff, packed, bought some new trousers, cleaned my kitchen, chatted to some firends online, done a bit of painting and read some of my current book. It's only 12 o clock. My friends are at work. I probably won't see anyone until tomorrow. Having more hobbies won't cure that kind of loneliness will it?

I'm rambling a bit and not very articulate but I do get what you mean. It can be great being single but also hard.

I would imagine after 20-30 years plus with someone, that many people would be OK with having a few years on their own. (If the relationship broke down.)

But being permanently single (and having NEVER been in a relationship that has lead to something permanent/marriage/kids,) is no picnic. The multiple 100s of 1000s of people on dating websites proves that. Soooooo many people hoping the find 'the one!'

Most people are generally happier in a relationship (as long as they are a good, decent one of course.)

It's no fun being permanently single for life.

@namedownforit I don't know what to suggest, but I do feel for you.

Hope you find a man who deserves you soon!

Hi OP,
I don't know what is the right thing for you to do but in your position I would use online dating. In my profile I would say I would like to meet a man for lasting friendship and companionship and possibly more or something along those lines to avoid anyone looking for a one night stand type thing.

I would mean those words too so when I met someone I would want to maybe have a meal/ go for a walk and coffee/ go to the cinema and have a drink and try to keep it light and just enjoy each others company. I would only want to think about a girlfriend/boyfriend situation if I had built a nice friendship or if we really just clicked and spent more and more time together. If you don't click with the person hopefully you have enjoyed their company anyway.

I would be aware that men may feel they have to pay for dates and I would not want to miss out on a lovely and genuine fella if they felt they couldn't afford to date so I would suggest cheap venues/activities and offer to go halves or buy the next time etc.

The sad but true fact (that I believe anyway) is that for every lonely person there is a lonely potential partner - maybe in the next street/the next town or the next city and on line dating can help two compatible people to meet. Just be true to yourself in what you offer and are looking for so you have the best chance of meeting somebody well suited.

To be honest OP, if you hate being single it is because you don't really like/love yourself or are uncomfortable in your own skin.

What utter shite. You cant get from friends what you get from a partner either. I know where you are coming from OP, I was single for a long time and incredibly lonley, I have loads of very good mates, a good social life but I was still lonley. I'm older than you and met someone last year, you are never too old.

It can be awful to feel lonely; everything else in life is going well but you can't find a partner to love and be loved in return, it feels unfair and it is. Ignore those telling you to just be happy in yourself, some people can't understand how it feels because they've not really been in that exact position. It used to be me too, a string of not-quite-rights left me sadly single watching the years roll past 35 and thinking perhaps that was just it. I had been trying every dating route possible, then randomly met DH in a club, just a Thursday night out with a mate where our plans changed 5 times and we ended up sitting with a cocktail at the table next to DH and his brother. It wasn't even plain sailing, but it feels like fate when we look back at how it all panned out. I know various men and women already in their 40s who all have full and otherwise happy lives but still haven't found their partner (sadly my matchmaker efforts to pair some of them off have failed so far); some of those men might be just right for you and they're online dating (on and off though, it's just as draining for men who are really looking for a relationship).

One good thing OP is that you didn't settle for the wrong man, there are some bad people out there and worse heartbreak than loneliness. You're only 39, you still have a lot of life ahead and you've made some good choices. You might not be able to have a child if you don't meet your love for ten more years, but you can still have the romance, so you should never give up hope for that. If having a child matters though then sadly the next few years are the only time in your life that you get to try, so get out and meet as many people as you can. There are 4 billion men in this world; I don't believe that only one can be right for you, more like a thousand or even ten thousand of them. So, how are you going to maximise your chances of meeting one of those thousands of men? Join any class that looks interesting, online dating, parties, smile at everyone, get friends to introduce you to single men you don't know, check you didn't write off someone you dated a long time ago who might have been right if it weren't for the circumstances at the time... Keep trying.

I get you. Before I met my husband, I was literally desperate for a partner. I clearly had a lot of feelings/hormones - I fancied a good 50-60 people and was pretty cut up when I got rejected by them all. The guys who liked me, I found creepy and unnattractive. I thought it would never work out for me - I went to a uni with 55% guys yet had one epic fail after another, while watching all my friends coupled up. I was an 11th wheel once! Then I met my husband at work, when I wasn't really expecting to, and we get on like a house on fire.

I think the whole "you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, you have to be happy on your own" is bollocks. I know plenty of people with depression/repeatedly attempting suicide that have long-term partners. I wasn't happy on my own and neither was my husband, that's why people go on dates in the first place! He had pretty low self-confidence when I met him as his last relationship had been abusive and ruined his self esteem. His flat was a total shithole because he thought "what's the point of tidying just for me". Yet I still loved him because he was kind and funny. When you meet the right person, it doesn't really matter whether you're happy/miserable or have high/low confidence - they will like you for you. I'm still funny and have the same interests and opinions whether I "love myself" or not.

You just need to increase the chances of meeting the right person. Get a new job. Join some MeetUp groups. Get yourself out there.

Also, this is going to sound ridiculous, but I bought this book on eBay called "Love will find you" by Kathryn Alice and met my ex after the 1st reading, and husband after 2nd reading.

I still have the book so I can post it to you if you want...

But you said you'd never had a relationship and then go on to say that you're not ok with having sex outside of a relationship.

That's just the bit I wanted to clarify. No extra details needed.

I'm lonely to op, and I feel unwanted and wonder why I'm not worthy of a relationship. I've been single now 11 years. My last relationship was abusive. He basically wanted a housekeeper/nanny. I've spent the last few years building up my self esteem and a life for myself. I do have children who are my world. Just the thought of another 7 years before I can date, kind of fills me with dread. I'll be mid 50s then. I know it's not to old, it's just a long time alone.

@Homemadearmy Why can't you date for another 7 years? Not because of the kids?