Brother/SIL- more CFuckery!

[jacks11]

I don’t think AIBU, more can’t believe their brass neck! I thought they were joking at first, but no!

DB has just lost his job- after 6 month probationary period his performance has not been deemed satisfactory (no idea if fair or not). SIL has gone back to uni- in 2nd year. They were on very tight budget as DB not well paid, so only that plus her student bursary. They have 2 DC (one school age, one toddler). Our parents help out financially by paying for 2 days per week of nursery (DB/SIL pay for remaining days) and also tend to buy school uniform/shoes/winter boots and coat etc. They also pay for sports camp etc during the summer. I tend to buy useful presents at birthday such as clothes/PJ’s/trainers etc plus a fun gift. So whilst not ideal financial situation, they do get help.

Anyway, They visited yesterday- well, I had to drive over an hour to them, pick them up and bring them here, same return journey- they don’t drive. I do it to save DMum having to do it. He announced that they have now decided that I should contribute to their nursery costs since he has lost his job. Oh, and help with SIL travel costs to/from her course placement. And anything ease they may need. Because I can afford it. I think a) it is not my job to pay for his dc to attend nursery/any other costs of running THEIR household; b)to demand it is just completely out of line; c) he is not working then he can look after his DC; d)he can’t possibly know what I can or cannot afford; e)they have not even looked into extra support they could get from uni/bursaries/grants available/benefits.

Gobsmacked. They were most put out even I pretended I thought they were joking and attempted to laugh it off.

I get that they must be worried about money. But still, terrible way to behave. And they should know- because I have been very clear in the past- that I will not lend them money because money I have lent in the past (a significant amount of money to me at the time) has not been repaid. Not a a single penny, despite their promise at the time to do so. They have also borrowed money from our parents, told them they needed more than they did and spent the rest on other things (found out accidentally)- so now they are given specific things (I.e. clothes/ nursery paid directly) as they cannot be trusted.

Honestly- where do they get their ideas from?!

Maybe SIL would prefer to rely on family handouts rather than uni ones because of pride or whatever (just a thought)? But I'd still be reminding her of those because OP isn't an ATM and neither should her parents be.
Not sure how easy it would be to get a nursery place after removing a child while looking for a job, but if possible that's what your brother should do, ideally. I totally get why it won't happen, though (they want to continue living the way they're accustomed to now) but that seems more sensible than paying for nursery. Also the same goes for SIL's uni course - work at the same time.
@percheron67 - how is that even relevant, never mind whether she is entitled or not (I don't see any evidence that she is)?

When I laughed, SIL said “it’s not funny”. I said something like “no, the situation must be really worrying for you- but I thought you were joking when you told me you expect me to pick up your shortfall- that’a just bonkers”. Both frowned and pouted a lot.

DB said he couldn’t Look for a job and look after DC, SIL said I had to bear in mind she needs time to do her coursework too. He said I was selfish not to help when I can afford to- if only for their children’s sake. Cue more pouting and SIL sobs that she might have to give up her course and chandelier if improving her families life. Also “what if I got a job but we’d lost our nursery place?”. I said, yes that would all be very unfortunate but not my job to sort and I was surprised they thought demanding anything in this manner was appropriate or likely to be successful.

I suggested SILcontact student welfare at uni to see if any grants or bursaries in offer, as they often keep a record of those not administered by themselves. And also look into benefits they may be entitled to- welfare rights could help if they get stuck.

Brother huffed and sighed, muttered about how unfair it was and how he’s always been the black sheep etc etc. Then they went down to our parents in high dudgeon and regaled they with their tale of woe and how I had refused to help.

Hilarious! They can cancel nursery.

Chandelier= chance of improving her families prospects. Though, with that level of entitlement she may well demand a chandelier next!!

OP, you are only responsible for any children you choose to conceive or adopt.

Ffswhstsnext

I only do the collecting/taking back if trey are visiting. They live a fair distance from us, we are quite rural and poor transport- they could get a train to nearest town but always plead poverty/takes too long with the DC etc. If I drive it avoids over night stays, which I have put a stop to. Mum cares for our father, with my assistance, who has health problems. So i do things for her that I would not ordinarily do.

Did they thank you for giving them a lift to visit your parents?

That is where this entitlement comes from, not being pulled up on the small things. My DC always thank me when I put myself out to help them, that is basic manners.

What was your parents' response when DB told them what you said?

I hope your parents are fully supportive of how inappropriate and unacceptable it was for them to make financial demands of you, and send them off with a flea in their ear. Or are they likely to um and ah, and hope that you might come around for the sake of family relations? Or, are they likely to make up the shortfall in the forever feckless family's fortunes themselves? Again? If they do, more fool them. There's no incentive for these two to grow up and take responsibility for providing for their own progeny themselves, is there?

Threads like these make me realise that I use the sentence Fuck Off too readily. ‘Cos I swear that’s the first thing that would have come out of my mouth as I burst into laughter. And once I tell people to fuck off, there is no discussion to get into. That’s it for me, I’ve said all I had to say about the matter.

Flirtygirl - Because someone has an opinion which differs from your own doesn't make them an "idiot/cretin". If you persist in calling people unpleasant names I am sure legal action could be taken against you. I think you should be very careful in future.

Sounds like a nightmare, is your SIL genuinely doing a degree that will end up with a job at the end of it like nursing, teaching, social work?

Haven't got many suggestions, I would just keep buying the useful Christmas presents.

Msboznz

No, mum told them they were being ridiculous. It did not go down well. Fortunately, she also said they wouldn’t be doing it either.

So, you spent 4 hours in the car yesterday, collecting and returning them? And ended up being the bad guy anyway, for your troubles?
I'm curious as to how they brought it up in the first place. "By the way, sis, you're going to need to give us some support?"

SIL said I had to bear in mind You don't have to "bear in mind" anything about them at all. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I have no intention of giving them a penny, BTW- I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised really. But it was a bit gobsmacking.

Struggling to see the AIBU in this. What was your dilemma?

percheron67

Of course he can look for a job while looking after the kids. Pull the kids out of the expensive private day nursery and look for a pre school close to home and put the children in there to use the 15 hours free allowance. Assuming then that he will have a chunk of time while they are in a morning or afternoon session he can job seek then. Also evenings when the kids are in bed.

Oh god you have to laugh at their breathtaking selfishness! How do their heads work that they think it’s reasonable for two other families to work and pay for their family??!

Yabbers

No AIBU, really I suppose. More can you believe it??

Sorry just read that one child is school age! So. That's one child taken care of from 9 to 3pm. How old is the other? A private nursery is probably costing them about £60+ a day. Whereas a local playgroup or ore school in my area is around £5.50 an hour. So even if he put the toddler in for a few mornings a week that is a massive saving. If and when he finds a job then call the nursery back.

Do SILs family help? I'm sure there's someone who can mind the DC while DB goes for interviews etc.

Being generous I can kiiiiind of see their logic- I’m looking for work at the moment while being a SAHM and I do worry about having to quickly sort out two full time nursery or childminder spaces when so many places have no vacancies. They might value the nursery and want to avoid disrupting the kids and then having to find a new childcare provider when (or if...) your brother finds a new job.

That being said, that is absolutely not your problem. They should either bite the bullet and deal with the disruption or cut their expenses elsewhere so they can maintain their spots at nursery.

I remember your previous posts. They’re total CFs! Pleased to hear your DM said no too. Your DB needs to get a job, any job ASAP.

I've noticed an increase in CFs recently who solve their (usually financial) problems by putting the burden on others. As long as they are ok they couldn't care less who they take advantage of.

SILs Uni will have support for students who may potentially drop out due to financial hardship, however, her dropping out should be the last resort, BIL needs to find work fast even if it's seasonal retail or bar work while he looks for something permanent.