To wish people would say what they mean?

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

Having a relaxing sunbathe in the park. A man goes past dribbling a football and says to me ‘They’ve lost a plane’, pointing over at a father and son. I said ‘Oh dear’, not really knowing what I was supposed to say, but being polite anyway.

He said ‘Yes; it’s a big one as well. They were flying it and it just disappeared over there somewhere’. I made some sympathetic noise and said I hadn’t seen it (assuming that was what he was trying and failing to ask me).

‘The kid was crying’, he continued. He then looks over at them again and says to me ‘Yes, he’s CRYING’. I said, ‘Oh, what a shame’.

Father and son, arguing about whose fault it was, go off into the bushes to look for it. The man with the football puts it down and goes over and says something to them, following them into the bushes (presumably to help them look).

It dawns on me that he was trying to ask me to help to look too. Why the hell didn’t he just ask? What’s the point of desperately trying to hint at it instead? It’s the same as people who make endless loud sighs and huffing noises if they want to get past you, getting more and more frustrated, but wouldn’t say ‘excuse me’ even with a gun to their head.

Why???

I don’t think he was asking you to help or look. He was simply telling you the story
It’s the equivalent of biddies who tell a convoluted story,all ohh and ahh
You’re not compelled to look for the lost kite

I notice this all the time OP

I find it so frustrating!

In addition - Ask what you want the actual answer to and if someone asks you a question answer it honestly. If they've bothered to ask it's because they care about the answer.

I have this all the time with people at work (I'm a manager) they look at me and say, for example, I can't find my pen. My response is 'oh that's a shame' but similar to you, that isn't what they meant but it is what they asked!!!

Argh!

I have this all the time with people at work (I'm a manager) they look at me and say, for example, I can't find my pen. My response is 'oh that's a shame' but similar to you, that isn't what they meant but it is what they asked!!!

My friend’s MIL does this to her. She’ll say something like ‘Your papers are still on the table’. Friend is never sure whether that’s just general information in case she was looking for them, or if it actually means ‘Can you move your papers?’

Haha that made me laugh OP, I am with you 100%

My personal favourite is from my DSD 14

DSD- can't find my trainers
ME - oh dear

It does make me laugh

My favourite the other day
DSD - where is the tomato ketchup
ME - in the fridge
DSD - where abouts? (Bearing in mind our fridge has two shelves)
ME - I don't know

Cue strop walking off

(I am a lovely SM j promise) I just think it's important for them to think for themselves!

I can't bear hint droppers!!!

It’s a British thing. British people are the most passive people I’ve ever met

There are a fair number of men around who seem to think that any women in their vicinity are fair game for them to share their stream of consciousness with, and that said women will undoubtedly be interested to hear what a random man has to say. I think you met one of these today.

What about when someone else asks you on behalf of the other person. Wtf is that about?

Today mil followed me to the sand pit to ask if we could head back now as she thinks sil is tired and wants to go. And went on and on like it needs to be justified.

I’d just left sil. I’d just asked everyone when they wanted to go (back to ours). No response.

Mil always has to talk for sil. It does my head in. Why!? It makes everything into a weird and sort of big deal.

Did he think you were with them? The kid's mother, maybe?

I am surrounded by hinters, I now just play along until they come straight out and ask.

I ignore hinters, who has the time for that nonsense.

It's also very annoying when you say you'll do something someone has said they need done (because you are happy to) and that person then says something along the lines of "oh no, I'm sure you're far too busy/won't enjoy it/it will put you out". If I didn't want to do it I wouldn't have offered and now I have to get into a completely pointless conversation about how I really really am happy to do it. I've just started saying if I wasn't happy to do it I wouldn't have offered.

Desperate hinters are annoying, but equally a lot of communication is built around implicature so I also find it really annoying when people choose to ignore the intended and generally meaning in the name of seeming clever.

Eg. Could you pass me the remote? Of course (does nothing because they are more than capable of doing it but technically haven't been asked)

Obviously ASD barriers aside, some people are just deliberately awkward.

YANBU

I don’t do game playing and manipulation. I generally take things at face value because that’s how I think. If I’m too polite to ask someone to do something I resign myself to them not doing it rather than drop hints. If it has to be done then I will just ask them to do it

My father has a habit of explaining subtleties that I’ve missed, but he’s also a very literal person so I always wonder if he’s just overthinking things when he finds all these hidden meanings in what I thought was an innocuous comment.

There are always endless threads on MN of people hurt because someone hadnt offered something they feel entitled to expect but haven’t actually opened their mouth to ask for! If everyone was just straightforward it would avoid a lot of angst!

If we all said what we really think, civilisation would break down!
Just imagine if you were telepathic and could hear the underlying thought. It would be a torrent of expletives and hurtful opinions.
“That new dress suits you”
(You look like a sack of lard)
“We must do lunch sometime”
(Over my dead body)
“Of course I don’t mind”
(Mind? I’m fucking furious)
Although those of an autistic persuasion - including me - sail perilously close to saying these things out loud!

I hate this! My mother is the queen of it.

Israeli DP is the absolute antithesis, and it's such a breath of fresh air.

Oh yes. Late FiL when he came to stay. Me: Would you like a cup of tea, Dad? Him: If you like. Me: Well, it's if you like really, isn't it? Shall I put the kettle on? FiL: If you like. Me: But do you want a cup of tea? FiL: I'm not bothered.

But somehow that was his way of trying not to be any trouble. He DID really want the tea, by the pint, and I had to mind read.

I asked him please just to say yes please or no thank you, but no luck.

Finally, the morning DH cooked breakfast bacon for everyone, I was splitting mini baguettes and asked him if he wanted his warmed up in the microwave. After the whole "If you like, I'm not bothered," rigmarole, I just put baguettes in for the rest of us.
When the MW tinged he was lined up behind the kids waiting for his warmed baguette! 🤦

I sometimes use it to my advantage when chuggers or utility companies with stalls outside supermarkets approach me with their bright "Good morning!" buttering-up preamble.

Instead of stopping to see what they're trying to hawk valuable financial opportunities they may wish to introduce and feeling on the back foot and duty-bound to listen to their spiel, I just reply with an even brighter, hugely over-exaggerated "GOOD MORNING!!!!" and keep right on walking.

Absolutely not what they were intending, but nobody could possibly accuse me of having been rude

I think he was feeling compelled to go and help but didnt know if it was the appropriate thing to do so was kind of checking it out with you as another bystander to see what you thought.

I've read the thread, I'm also a straight talker in a confusingly ambiguous world, but what if he was just trying to explain why he was being around you? A lot of men are now sensitive to a woman's space, he might have been trying to explain the reason for his proximity.

I told do when we started seeing eachother I dont do hints.

Exh was a hint dropper. And no matter how hard I tried, whatever hint I picked up on, i had picked up on it in the wrong way. So i started ignoring it. Like one morning f he came into the kitchen and said 'we could have gone to my mum and dads today's

I just said 'oh?' And carried in what I was doing.

The beat he had a go because I had said no to not going to his mum and dad. I pointed out that I hadnt said that at all and then he hadnt even suggested it. He came in and said we could have done, not that he wanted to.

Because you cant bet if I had have responded with 'why dont we go see them' when the kids got board on the 5 hour round trip and moaned, it would be my fault for suggesting we went. When ds fell asleep in the act and wouldnt sleep that night, it would be my fault.

When mil made degratroy comments about ds and his ASD (like 'it's not asd he is just in a higher spiritual level and you need to reach that level too then he would behave better') I couldnt be bothered by this because, I suggested we go.

I think hunters are manipulative. Like pp, if I dont feel its right to ask someone, something outright, I just dont.

Hinting so that person feels they have to order you something, just doesnt ait right with me.

This is my version of a response:

Child in my school: I can’t unwrap my sandwiches
Me (over-brightly): thanks for sharing!

After a bit of muttering and dropping, it finally dawned on said child to actually ask for help, and word got round fast! I do it with DS now and he’s got the hang of it really well

Oh yeah one of my pet peeves. I purposely ignore unless I'm asked . I used to work with a woman and our printer would get jammed or if there was a fault I usually took it upon myself to sort it . I got fed up of my colleagues would just repeat the printers not working and I'd go oh dear is it . I'd just think ask me to look at it but she wouldn't you see . It's rude tbh .

Eg. Could you pass me the remote? Of course (does nothing because they are more than capable of doing it but technically haven't been asked)

If you want the remote, then ask for it.

People that say 'could you do' really piss me off. Of course I could, the question is, do you want me to. If so, ask me.

If you want the remote, then ask for itPeople that say 'could you do' really piss me off. Of course I could, the question is, do you want me to. If so, ask me.
Saying "could you pass me..." Is a request. It's a fairly established polite way of making a request.
That's why it's annoying when people deliberately choose to ignore established language use. There's while chapters on learning English as a second language that explains how modal verbs are used in this way.
Only now some think it's witty or clever to ignore polite forms.

Vs

"Ooh it's a bit chilly in here. Do you not think it's a bit cold?" - that's a hinter avoiding asking to close the window. There's no request there at all.

**whole chapters