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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wish people would say what they mean?

87 replies

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/09/2019 18:10

Having a relaxing sunbathe in the park. A man goes past dribbling a football and says to me ‘They’ve lost a plane’, pointing over at a father and son. I said ‘Oh dear’, not really knowing what I was supposed to say, but being polite anyway.

He said ‘Yes; it’s a big one as well. They were flying it and it just disappeared over there somewhere’. I made some sympathetic noise and said I hadn’t seen it (assuming that was what he was trying and failing to ask me).

‘The kid was crying’, he continued. He then looks over at them again and says to me ‘Yes, he’s CRYING’. I said, ‘Oh, what a shame’.

Father and son, arguing about whose fault it was, go off into the bushes to look for it. The man with the football puts it down and goes over and says something to them, following them into the bushes (presumably to help them look).

It dawns on me that he was trying to ask me to help to look too. Why the hell didn’t he just ask? What’s the point of desperately trying to hint at it instead? It’s the same as people who make endless loud sighs and huffing noises if they want to get past you, getting more and more frustrated, but wouldn’t say ‘excuse me’ even with a gun to their head.

Why???

OP posts:
Topseyt · 22/09/2019 11:39

Of course "could you pass me the remote please?" is a polite request to do just that. Anyone pretending it isn't is just being a bit of a twat.

Perhaps a more direct "give me the remote you arse" is what some people would prefer to be on the receiving end of?🙄

LolaSmiles · 22/09/2019 11:40

ScreamingValenta
Grin

AutumnRose1 · 22/09/2019 11:41

“pretending not to understand 'could I' as a request is just unpleasant holier-than-thou smuggery.”

Yes, I thought that rudeness had gone out with the 1990s maybe?

frogsoup · 22/09/2019 11:49

Luckily I have never encountered any remote-related request problems, as anyone who I might say this to will already have passed through my tough screening procedure. No chance of arsey pedants making it onto my sofa Grin

frogsoup · 22/09/2019 11:53

MorrisZapp, our German neighbour once knocked on our door at 7pm and said 'oh come off it guys, we are eating dinner and you are banging nails into the party wall. Please stop.' Once we'd picked ourselves up off the floor we decided we much preferred that approach to the passive aggressive English one of next morning saying 'so, are your pictures all hung on the wall now? ' then secretly hating us for ever.

NightsOfCabiria · 22/09/2019 11:56

Oh god, I cant abide hinters. It’s all just such a waste of everyone’s time. I like to be direct and appreciate it if others are too.

I was once called gruesomely frank by my ex boss though so perhaps there’s something to be said for treading the middle ground.

The80sweregreat · 22/09/2019 13:16

There are some people who do ' say what they mean' ' I call a spade a spade' type folk. Unfortunately , they are sometimes not very well liked for it. It's ok if they can take it when it's done to them, but very often they can't.
It's all a minefield!

Shinyletsbebadguys · 22/09/2019 13:23

The80sweregreat you are not wrong there, I do often find people who use the phrase " call a spade a spade" almost universally rude.

Theres a middle ground though isn't there , I am clear with my wording but I try hard not to be rude, but you are right if someone tells me I'm rude I make a point of apologising and dont take offense. Cant have it both ways

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 22/09/2019 15:13

I always make a point of saying "Please WOULD you pass me such and such", not could. I try to never use can/could in asking other people to do things or asking permission; it's always may/would. I think this is grammatically correct in that I'm asking about permission rather than capability.

frogsoup · 22/09/2019 16:19

Contessa I don't think anyone has a problem with people who choose to use may and would, it's the feigned lack of comprehension of the use of could/may that we are failing at. (Though personally I think 'would' sounds more peremptory than could, grammar rules notwithstanding!)

frogsoup · 22/09/2019 16:20

Railing, not failing!!!

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 22/09/2019 16:29

I understand you frogsoup - I do try to sound as polite and non-peremptory as possible!

Yes, feigning incomprehension is just petty. You know what they mean! I pretend not to understand my own kids when they commit these sins, but that is because I want to ensure that they is brought up to talk proper Grin

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