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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Mil is a very shallow women?

64 replies

DreamBeaver · 21/09/2019 15:08

My Mil is upset her daughter is dating a man who has 2 children from a previous marriage. She is always bringing it up. Saying things like "he is nice but there is no chance it can work out long term because he has children". And gleefully saying "she isn't mentioning him much so hopefully it will be over for them soon".
I know it's none of my business but AIBU to think my Mil is very shallow. She also hated another one of her daughters boyfriends because he was in her words "just a taxi driver".
Would it bother you if your son or daughter was dating someone with children?

OP posts:
Windydaysuponus · 21/09/2019 15:11

My adult ds is currently dating a woman with a dc.
Issue being she is demanding he parent her dc after only 4 months...
I was a lp when I met my first dh. His dm was nothing less than welcoming to us both.
Depends on circumstances ime..

Twooter · 21/09/2019 15:11

I would prefer they didn’t tbh. I thinks it adds an extra level of complication. However if that person was lovely and they were a good match then I’d be fine with it.

Moominfan · 21/09/2019 15:14

I'd just want my child to be happy.

Itsnotmesothere · 21/09/2019 15:15

Well "just a taxi driver" is certainly snobby but I'm not sure her feelings about her daughter's new boyfriend are shallow. I don't have a daughter but I'm not sure it's what I'd want for my daughter. I'd just hope that they really loved each other and that she had a brilliant relationship with the children because while parenting is hard, step-parenting is probably harder. Have you seen the threads on here?

HirplesWithHaggis · 21/09/2019 15:17

Ds1 is currently seeing a mum of three. He has one himself. It complicates things, but they're all grown ups and they all cope.

ISmellBabies · 21/09/2019 15:20

It would make things so much harder. She can never be the man's top priority (if he's any kind of decent dad). Their time and their money can never be all their own. Their children together cannot be their top priority, they can only be equal with his existing children. That's all really serious, complicated and difficult stuff to navigate in a relationship, you see it in threads on here all the time. It may all just fall into place and work for them, but mil is not U to worry that it might not.

FaFoutis · 21/09/2019 15:23

I wouldn't be keen. And nor would I date a man with children myself.

Oldraver · 21/09/2019 15:23

My MIL was cow like this. Three of her sons married woman who already had children and treated them as their own, one even adopted his step-child. MIL never treated them the same as her 'real' GC's. Was ok to take cards and presents off them but never reciprocated (well a small selection box). She would actually buy one child a present but not their step siblings. My niece was always mortified.

I once mentioned her becoming a Great Grandparent and she snapped x wasn't her grandchild. The irony was she was married twice herself so her first three sons were step-children of her second DH and this was sold as some fairy story of' Dad' rescuing them all, and she (and the boys) considered him to be their Dad

Personally it wouldn't bother me in the slightest

Original poster
DreamBeaver · 21/09/2019 15:27

It's more her gleefully wanting the relationship to finish than voicing her worries over it. She is a very controlling women and very judgemental and tends to catastrophize everything.

OP posts:
dowehaveastalker · 21/09/2019 15:28

If both have children it could work. My sister dated a guy with a daughter - it didn’t work out as sister always came second (as she should) but also, she was single and selfish and didn’t like being second. I see both sides. If only one has a child - it can become complicated.

dollydaydream114 · 21/09/2019 15:30

It would depend on the age of my child, the age of their partner’s children, the nature of their relationship with the partner’s ex and a million other things. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It will always inevitably complicate things.

Original poster
DreamBeaver · 21/09/2019 15:30

Mil has also been married 3 times and her third husband is step father to her 3 kids. So it's okay for husband but not for her daughter. It's a bit hypocritical also

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamBeaver · 21/09/2019 15:34

Oldraver your Mil sounds quite like my Mil

OP posts:
MaybeitsMaybelline · 21/09/2019 15:41

Would it bother me? DD is 22, if he was 38 with two teens yes. If she was 28 and he was 28 and he had a toddler, no, not at all.

For me it would be whether she was sacrificing her own family opportunities when he has had all his.

Durgasarrow · 21/09/2019 15:42

This reply has been deleted

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Crystal87 · 21/09/2019 15:45

It depends entirely on the individual relationship. I had 3 kids when I got with my DH and the youngest was only 7 months old. We've got a child together now too.
My 3 older children see him as their father and he doesn't treat them any different to his biological child with me. I think it's fine if he's happy to do it and there's no resentment, or she's not expecting things that he is unable to do.
Part of joining a "ready made family" is that at some point you play a role in the children's life that's not just mum's boyfriend. You would naturally take on a parenting role if you're living with someone's children because that's what you've willingly gone into.

MrsNotNice · 21/09/2019 15:46

I don’t blame her to be honest I would personally find it difficult to accept, as being a step mum is very very hard. It will have to be special circumstances for me to be happy for them. If he was widowed or something or if he was such an amazing man and proved things with behaviour. and If I knew my daughter was a strong personality who doesn’t jump into things without thinking.

Also about the taxi driver, yes maybe she has no tact, but yes if my daughter was educated and intellectual and he was not ambitious... I would have an issue with it. I do think it’s a compatibility issue. The decision would be up to her but ... I don’t think I will be happy for her and I would probably advise her not to in the early days.

Gosh I sound horrid

MrsNotNice · 21/09/2019 15:47

With all due respect I think you have other personal issues with your MIL and choosing to fixate on this. You need to address the real issue.

gostiwooz · 21/09/2019 15:52

Makes me wonder what your MIL is saying about you when your back is turned.

Teddybear45 · 21/09/2019 16:01

I wouldn’t want my child to date someone with a child either and especially not a daughter as women are often pushed into parenting roles by men too quickly - I presume your mil telling you this in confidence and hasn’t actually said anything directly to her dd. You need to calm down and mind your business

aprilanne · 21/09/2019 16:03

I can never understand these people who make a difference between children .Your son daughter meets a girl she has a child things get serious another baby is born .that's it a family of 4 granny of 2 Ok I get it would work better if it was your son because child most likely with mum but still .I just don't get why you would make a difference
I adore my grandchildren never even think that some technically share my blood and some don't.

Teddybear45 · 21/09/2019 16:03

Also do you know how hard taxi drivers have to work to earn their money? My uncle was one and even he didn’t want that for any of his daughters or neices - he used to say it all the time that we needed to choose partners who were in secure, permanent employment that allowed them family time. It was very sensible advice tbh.

Original poster
DreamBeaver · 21/09/2019 16:04

gostiwooz makes me wonder. She talks alot behind people's back. She is very judgemental and quite shallow

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 21/09/2019 16:13

Mil has also been married 3 times and her third husband is step father to her 3 kids. So it's okay for husband but not for her daughter. It's a bit hypocritical also

Or maybe she has seen first hand just how bloody difficult it is to be a step-parent and doesn't want that for her DC.?

IdiotInDisguise · 21/09/2019 16:14

She will mellow down, nobody was enough for my mum, nobody. But at some point they realise their children are not perfect either and that the current man can always be much better than the next one Grin