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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Mil is a very shallow women?

64 replies

DreamBeaver · 21/09/2019 15:08

My Mil is upset her daughter is dating a man who has 2 children from a previous marriage. She is always bringing it up. Saying things like "he is nice but there is no chance it can work out long term because he has children". And gleefully saying "she isn't mentioning him much so hopefully it will be over for them soon".
I know it's none of my business but AIBU to think my Mil is very shallow. She also hated another one of her daughters boyfriends because he was in her words "just a taxi driver".
Would it bother you if your son or daughter was dating someone with children?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 21/09/2019 16:14

I wouldn’t mind who Dd dated as long as they were hard working and had ambition

dottiedodah · 21/09/2019 16:17

I think She is right to be concerned TBH. Children can be difficult if their parents are divorced ,and a new partner comes on the scene.I think it is not easy to meet someone without a bit of "Baggage " though.If SIL is quite young she is not unreasonable to have some doubts .I think her remarks about only being a Taxi Driver are rather snobby and unkind though.

Rachelle11 · 21/09/2019 16:30

She's been through it, and it's not ideal. You simply don't like her.

BertrandRussell · 21/09/2019 16:31

In an ideal world, i wouldn't want my child to date someone with children, no. I don’t think that makes someone shallow.

31RueCambon75001 · 21/09/2019 16:35

How hypocritical of her! I'd call her on that aspect of her reaction precisely. Are her husband's family still alive? YOu could say ''is this hard for you because your husband's family judged you?'' {head tilt}
and if she says ''they didn't judge me!'' take it from there! Say ''they sound like they saw what was really important'' or if she says they did judge her, say ''so this is a bit triggering for you?''.

BertrandRussell · 21/09/2019 16:37

It may not be hypocritical. She may just know how incredibly hard it can be and not want that for her child. No need to “call her out” on it.

pandapickle · 21/09/2019 16:37

I personally wouldn't want that for a woman in my family. I've seen the stress of having to divide resources (money and dad's time) once women have their own children. It can turn nice people very bitter.

My best friend is in a relationship with a man who has children and she thinks it all sunshine and roses. Minor complaints about the money he gives to his ex wife. I'm worried this is going to be a huge stress for her once she had her own child...

31RueCambon75001 · 21/09/2019 16:37

I agree with maybeitsmaybelline though too, Mothers-in-law ASIDE, it depends on couple's ages and the ages of the children and if she's expected to forego family of her own, or take on too much responsibility for somebody else's.

MrsNotNice · 21/09/2019 16:38

31RueCambon75001

Absolutely not. I think she should stay out of it. how Passive aggressive

BasiliskStare · 21/09/2019 16:38

If I am going to be completely honest I would rather my Ds has children of his own. If , however he meets someone he loves and the children are partner's / wife's - well all good - It is his choice , not mine

MereDintofPandiculation · 21/09/2019 16:42

She is very judgemental and quite shallow If you've already decided that, why are you asking MN?

She wants her daughter not to have money worries and not to have the complications of being a step mother. She possibly also fears that if the man has left one woman he's quite likely to leave another. These may be unrealistic fears, but it doesn't make her shallow.

IdiotInDisguise · 21/09/2019 16:50

In an ideal world, i wouldn't want my child to date someone with children, no. I don’t think that makes someone shallow.

What if the person with children turns to be your child? Would you like people to avoid her/him as she/him has children?

BertrandRussell · 21/09/2019 16:51

“What if the person with children turns to be your child? Would you like people to avoid her/him as she/him has children?”

I would absolutely understand why they might-of course I would.

MrsNotNice · 21/09/2019 16:52

What if the person with children turns to be your child? Would you like people to avoid her/him as she/him has children?

Yeh if my child has children of their own I would rather they get with someone who also has kids.. so they understand the responsibility of it all.

Honestly.

But it’s not up to me however that would be my preference

Corneliawildthing · 21/09/2019 16:52

She sounds like a dreadful woman and reminds me of my grandmother. My auntie was dating a bank manager who used to drop her home and then go out philandering with other women - small town so everybody knew about it. In the end she married a man who'd been married before and was absolutely lovely. My gran would rather she stuck with the philandering bank manager because he was somebody important in the town, rather than caring if her daughter was happy or not.

kenandbarbie · 21/09/2019 16:56

I'd prefer my dc not to date anyone who already had children. As others have said, there are just added complications and the partner can never be the priority if they are dating a good parent.

charlestonchaplin · 21/09/2019 16:56

My mother told me she’d support me whoever I married, unless he already had children. She’d experienced (and is still experiencing) the trauma of stepmotherhood and I don’t think she’d wish it on anyone, even people she really doesn’t like.

Riojasmoothy · 21/09/2019 16:58

The only thing that matters to me is that my daughter's partner makes her happy and treats her well.
If he had children I would welcome them into my family.
I had my daughter in a previous relationship and my mil has always treated her as family. It never occurred to me that so many people felt otherwise.

Tonnerre · 21/09/2019 17:00

Both my siblings married people with children from previous marriages, both of their marriages have been very successful and they are still together many years later.

StroppyWoman · 21/09/2019 17:05

I agree with your MIL - I'd far rather my children were in relationships with people with less emotional baggage, complications, and potential conflict. I love them and I'd like their lives to be simpler if possible.

Our family has blended families, with relationships with other blended families. The effort to keep everyone happy - especially around important life events and annual celebrations - is considerable. It's worth it, but it would be so nice and easy if it were not needed.

And yes, biological links are also a thing. It's understandable to feel more of a connection to the child of your child than the child of your child's girlfriend.

Oysterbabe · 21/09/2019 17:05

I wouldn't like it but would certainly keep my mouth shut.

Teensruletheroost · 21/09/2019 17:07

Honest answer is that I would prefer my DC to marry someone without children. For their children to be first children for both of them. Not to have to deal with financial pressures of split families/ maintenance and the intricacies of dealing with an ex even if they get on well.

I speak as a second wife and stepmum where the relationships with ex and SDC have always been very good over the decades. Even knowing we have had it as good as it can be I would rather my children had it simpler.

Phuquocdreams · 21/09/2019 17:11

Having dated someone with children, I would much rather my daughter did not date someone with children (obviously not my choice!) it’s a choice that makes a woman’s life much harder. You only have to see the shit and aggression SMs get on here to know that.

Rachelover60 · 21/09/2019 17:24

It depends how old her daughter is. I think it is unwise for a young person to be involved with a man who has children, she would have more fun with someone who doesn't have ties. Past a certain age, most people have a child or children so there is less choice.

I wouldn't have wanted a boyfriend with kids.

FunderAnna · 21/09/2019 17:33

I went out with a bloke who had/has two children. We married and had another child together and have been together twenty-four years. I'm very found of my stepson and stepdaughter.