To not want to forgive my friend's DH

[WishWeWereStillYoungNCarefree]

More of a WWYD.

Trying to be brief.

Friends husband has been a dick to her for years.

It's recently come to a head. Bad stuff, abusive stuff, happened. He then cheated on her (with the mum of their DCs friend).

For various reasons it's v hard for her to leave. She's indicated she wants to but it's not simple.

Just found out he's reading all her texts. So all our advice texts to her. He's read.

Me and other friend seem to be expected to carry on socialising as normal. Despite fact he knows we hate him, and he hates us.

I can't do it. My DH says we should carry on as normal for her sake. I physically feel like I can't do it. Too much has happened. I hate him.

But don't know what to do for my friend. I care about her so much. She is trying to organise our Christmas get together (families together).

WWYD? Would you socialise with an abusive arsehole for your friends sake?

No, and in any case you clearly don't want to and therefore shouldn't. Nobody should be trying to make you. Explain to her properly what your feelings are on the subject and why, and continue being there for her.

What is the alternative? Leave her to his mercy alone because you feel uncomfortable in his presence??
Surely you being there will be to support your friend...

I think I probably would - if you don't, your friend loses and it will most likely make a horrible situation worse for her.
Her hubby knows where you all stand, so for her sake (for now) try and bite your tongue xx

I lost my best friend ten years ago.
I still mourn her but she is still with her abusive ex. He left her to live with her best friend but 'regretted' it when she came into a inheritance and came back.

Your friends name doesn't begin with C does it?

Ps just to add, you don't have to be nice to him, but if you stop socialising with her/him/them, he's succeeded in alienating her from people supporting her - which would most likely suit him down to the ground. Don't give him the satisfaction xx

If you don't it makes it harder for her to leave. It will mean he can isolate her and increase abuse. Keep discussions to when in person. Arrange regular meet ups with her. Talk through her options. Get her to put lock on her phone. Think random set of numbers at least 6. If he hurts her she needs to photo any marks when they happen and as the bruising comes out etc. As for socialising he can't hurt her so easily if he knows your on to him and will have to play nice. Just be there for her she's going to need you when she decides she's had enough.

Just a thought can between you get her another phone which he knows nothing about . Make sure she has the number for refuge/womans aid . Their refuges are good nice places . They give great help.
Let your friend know you are always there for her at all times and try to support her.

Yes I would. I would want him and her to know that no matter how bad it gets I’m going to be around for my friend. I would put my best fake smile on and be friendly to him for my friends sake. I wouldn’t want my friend to suffer any more than she already is. He wants her to be alone and venerable so I would do everything I could to stop that from happening.

@SandyGusset There's a thought!?!?!

Sandy, no it doesn't. Just makes me sad another person in this situation.

The views that we can't leave her alone - it's true, that's what my DH says.

But we've already had to limit our time with him (we live a while away and can't stay any more because of his drinking and how it escalates). He swore at my 5 yo last year.

Maybe we do meet for our jolly Christmas get together and I act and bite my tongue.

But it feels like he's controlling her through her Friends. He's inviting all her friends to things, to celebrate himself. It's like he's trying to show her that everyone loves him.

Would be good to know for those who have been on the side of my friend, what was the best thing for you?

Oh, have I missed the significance of 'C' ?

No don't go. and don't subject your dc to any of it. You can't all become 'abused' by this man.

Going on and pretending nothing has happened isn't really helping anyone.

I’d socialise with her and cold shoulder him - how did he get to read her texts?

Such opposing views. No wonder I'm so confused what to do!

I just want to get her out and for her to be happy

Perky - I don't know. I will find out when I next speak to her f2f.

She had been v odd on text recently so I suspected he was monitoring her

I mean for the Xmas thing. Definitely don’t go to ‘his’ events!

I'd be questioning my husband as to why he wants to spend time with a prick who swears at my kid.

Sunshine - he doesn't. But he's worried about the effect on my friend if we stop being involved. He thinks we need to be there for her and just manage the situation by eg leaving early.

Seriously it's so fucked up!

He thinks we need to be there for her

Well yes, do that obviously. But you do not need to see him at all. See her separately.

And do not take your dc. If you do go, you'll need to find some childcare because you can't put your dc in that situation to be there to support an adult friend.

Thecat - to complicate it further our dc and there dc are also close.

I am seeing her alone tomorrow and making conscious effort to see her alone more.

But the DC are already asking why not seeing each other so much and when it will happen...

There’s no way I’d be socialising with him. There’s no need to isolate her. You can see her without him there. If you can’t even stand up to him then what chance does she have? Show her that you will not put up with his behaviour and neither should she. And buy her a burner phone.

So do your dc go round to their house without you?

Just have their dc at yours and meet up with your friend and her dc out of the house. Don't let your dc go round there. This man has already sworn at your dc, he is abusive and now knows what you have been saying about him. It's not worth the risk is it?

I've been the one being abused. Telling you so you know where my comments come from, not because I am declaring myself The Authority on this!

If you effectively cut her off to avoid him then he wins - he's a dick to you too because he's trying to sabotage her friendships and isolate her. Which will make it harder for her to leave. Abuse is about power and control, not the individual incidents.

She is more likely to reach a point where she can leave if she still has the friendship and support of people like you. I know it's hard (I've also been in your shoes since getting out of my own situation) but you can't tell her to leave or tell her what to do. That's what he does. Dictates.

She needs to be free to decide on her own and if it seems like everyone tells her what to do and criticises her choices like he does, then you saying his behaviour is wrong is less convincing and less powerful. Because you're behaving similarly by telling her to end her marriage! (From her perspective).

There is a page on the women's aid website "I'm worried about someone" (I think) that has good advice on how to handle this kind of situation. Doing the Freedom Programme course yourself might also help you understand what he's doing and how's it's affecting her and give you tools to help, or at least get less frustrated. WWw.freedomprogramme.co.uk

When she seems ready you can mention it to her too as something she might want to go to, if she can. It's confidential.

I don't know if it's helpful to say this, but when I was the one in her shoes even once I'd started thinking about leaving I still got very defensive and upset about people telling me I had to leave. it was just an automatic emotional response to being told what to do yet again. Abuse makes people acutely aware of when others are replicating their abuser's behaviour and activates all the hurt from the abuse.

I already had someone telling me what to do all the time and not letting me make decisions about anything, so if I was potentially going to turn my entire life on its head by leaving I bloody well wanted it to be because I had made the decision not because other people had told me to. Plus the fact the idea was terrifying and I wasn't ready yet.

With the right support your friend can get closer to being ready to leave. Although having support for yourself is important too.

Meet with dc but not him? She needs to get serious about police, solicitor and leaving. Not good for her dc. Thousands of threads on here it's an epidemic. Women need to put themselves first. If it's bad enough you could call police or ring school. Maybe it will become real to her if authorities get involved.