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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

For friend not to visit!

108 replies

MoonlightDancer · 20/09/2019 18:31

Our friend recently invited us to her house visit and catch up...she's been reading A LOT of books on parenting, sleep training, vitamin powders for babies etc...she's a newish mum (1 year old)...so we understand she's wanting to get things 'right'.

When we got there we had to whisper the entire time we were there...when it came to having dinner we had to eat with plastic cutlery so it wouldn't make a noise on the plates and drink out of plastic picnic glasses so we couldn't make a noise when putting it on the table like a glass would...when it came to using the loo it was either the pub down the road or pee outside in the garden in a bucket which we drew the line at and ended the evening to get back to our hotel and use the facilities!

When we met up the next day I apologised we had to go but was bursting for the loo...she said that in her books it mentions about having absolute silence for children to get into a deep sleep in the first hour and they don't wake for hours...her child cannot sleep without the environment being pin drop silent now!

She's messaged saying looking forward to seeing you and staying over with a list of 'rules' that must be adhered to in order for her child to sleep for example unplug landline, phones on silent, no tv etc! We've made it clear that it's impossible and to expect noise etc, doors in and out, doorbell, phones ringing, washer on etc!

We've offered to pay for a hotel which is 15 mins away from us but she's messaged back saying she can't control the noise at a hotel but at mine she can! AIBU to say no to visiting if she won't accept that noise will be in my home! We live 250 miles away so she will be staying for 4 days.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 20/09/2019 19:48

Please tell me this is true, it’s hilarious. Tell her she can come and stay when she has turned down the batshit!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/09/2019 19:49

Surely children need to learn to sleep through normal noise.

mum11970 · 20/09/2019 19:49

Do you have children as well? If you do, are you supposed to gag them whilst hers is asleep. Just tell her no, it’s not going to happen. You would be absolutely bonkers to go along with this or pay for accommodation anywhere else.

Thornhill58 · 20/09/2019 19:51

Hard pass. Crazy rules and I'll say not in my house. We're not bat shit crazy.

moobar · 20/09/2019 20:01

She may have post natal anxiety, I do.

I'm not like this, but my baby didn't sleep for months, I felt like I was going mad. I was hallucinating the lot. Has her baby not slept? I'm just thinking if mine did, by following the above, after being through what I have, I can see how I would become entrenched in repeating it.

MadeForThis · 20/09/2019 20:05

There are elements that are totally normal if you have a baby that struggles to sleep or will be up at the slightest noise and take forever to settle. No flushing toilet in the next room, no loud shoes, no loud phones.

But pissing in a bucket is a step too far. She's gotten so obsessed with creating the perfect sleep atmosphere that she's forgotten that everyone has to function in the house.

MNHQ
KimMumsnet · 21/09/2019 12:00

Hi all, thanks for your reports on this thread - we've checked out the OP and all seems legit and she's reassured us that poor DH really did have to wee in a bucket...
(While we're here - a quick reminder to always report to us if you suspect trolling rather than troll-hunting on the threads. Ta!)
Cheers
Kim

Lana08 · 21/09/2019 12:16

Ask her what she is going to do if/when baby number two comes along Grin

PhilCornwall1 · 21/09/2019 12:24

If this is real, I'd be telling her she isn't coming and to get back in touch when she's stopped being batshit crazy, until then stay away. If you bow to her demands, you'll need to give your head a shake.

Poppins2016 · 21/09/2019 12:34

To be honest, I thought that advice was to have normal noise going on at sleep time she that a) the baby gets used to it and b) if it stirs it can hear people around, so is confident that it hasn't been abandoned.

Me too. Works for my 11 month old. When he was a newborn his best naps were in the carry cot in the vicinity of a running washing machine or tumble dryer. I sometimes used to add an extra rinse cycle so that he'd stay asleep for longer! He'll now nap anywhere as long as it isn't too silent (I have to play white noise at night, but I'd rather do that than tiptoe around...).

itwaseverthus · 21/09/2019 12:41

Tell her to take a hike! She'll do more harm to the child because it will only ramp up noise sensitivity and he'll need ear defenders to go to school.

hiphopchick · 21/09/2019 12:45

@MoonlightDancer

PMSL! Grin

Are you testing for a comedy sketch? To see how people react?

ariamontgomery · 21/09/2019 12:52

This can NOT be real.

ariamontgomery · 21/09/2019 12:52

You lost me too at the peeing outside bit!

Shinyletsbebadguys · 21/09/2019 13:05

Lol well I have to say I thought I went a bit loopy with sleep deprivation when DC were small ( I scared the living daylights out if someone who rang my bell to sell something when ds1 had only just got to sleep during the 4 month sleep regression) but even I think she's lost the plot

Yes the sleep deprivation is brutal but that is just bonkers , I think I'd have to gently suggest she had gone over the top, ultimately fair enough if that's her parenting style but not on to dictate the rules in your home

Sweetbabycheezits · 21/09/2019 13:11

I am so sympathetic to your friend...it's PFB to the extreme! When my pfb was born, my mum and gran insisted I carry on with life while baby was asleep so that he learned to sleep with normal noise. He got so used it that the sound of the hoover used to send him off to sleep no matter where he was!

tvdinnertracks · 21/09/2019 13:12

I was a bit like this. I had anxiety. I'd be very surprised if she doesn't.

SimpleAndPlanned · 21/09/2019 13:15

I'd understand being quieter in the 10-20 mins the child was settling in. Phones on silent, lot making noise directly under the bedroom or using the loo in that time but not for the whole 8(? Surely needs to be more like 12 hours?) hours.

Jaxhog · 21/09/2019 13:21

Her house - her rules.
Your house - your rules.

Doesitevenmatternow · 21/09/2019 13:22

Whether or not you agree with her parenting (ftr I am a first time mum with similar aged baby and think she is batshit) is irrelevant, she cannot impose house rules in your home.

Dear friend,

We are very excited about your visit. We don't have shoes in the house and will talk quietly when baby going down but beyond that it will be business as usual I'm afraid. If you think that is gonna stress you we could have a look for an airbnb? Let us know which you would prefer

Original poster
MoonlightDancer · 21/09/2019 13:27

Sorry I've not replied it seems I was reported for being a troll? I can assure you I'm not! To those that reported me just because you don't believe something or it has happened to you doesn't mean it hasn't happened!

As some of you have said you've experienced it with some of your friends! To answer a few questions we were asked not to use the loo (it's us that have an up and downstairs loo) as it would mean going upstairs and the stairs are creaky even though she has beautiful new (with very thick underlay) carpets and plus the babies room is next to the bathroom...when I said we wouldn't flush she became a little anxious and suggested peeing in the bucket which I drew the line at.

No we don't have children yet but have family and Friends that do of a range of ages who all had their batshit moments with their babies just not quite like this!

Her DH is so used to the rules he's a little blind to it all...I've contacted her mum whose abit closer in distance and very supportive she knew of some of the things but not what we had experienced she's going down in a few days for a visit anyway so will talk to her.

Again no it's not a joke/to see what replies I'd get... I am genuinely posting...anyway we have booked her the hotel as a gift after a bit of cajoling... it's a suite so she's got plenty of room to spread out etc and the hotel can provide a cot etc we're down the road from it so can take the baby out whilst hopefully giving her some sleep and a rest. When the baby is at ours and happens to fall asleep for a couple of hours fine to turn stuff off for a bit but she knows not for the whole time it's asleep! We've advised her to get rid of those bloody books as she's a brilliant mum and doesn't need those brainwashing fad things! I know in a few years time she will look back and be like what was I doing and we'll all be able to laugh at it!

@exWifebeginsAgainat46 Grin a little too close to home with some of that!! Grin

Again thanks all for your replies.

OP posts:
RandomFactor · 21/09/2019 13:33

Your house, your rules. Simple. She sounds like a real PITA frankly. She's making a rod for her own back, raising a baby that can only sleep in complete silence?? Not the first new mum to think the entire universe revolves round their PFB.

I'd say to her that she's welcome to come, but the house will be run as it always is, and she can take it or leave it. Hopefully, she'll leave it and you'll not have to put up with her and her offspring.

TriciaH87 · 21/09/2019 14:25

She's making a rod for her own back. My house is near a railway line. Due to the trains going through, having lived near a motorway, and along side an airport at one point my kids would sleep through an earthquake. Her child needs to learn to sleep with noise. How will she cope with bonfire night, a neighbour having a Christmas party etc if shd doesn't allow noise she cannot control the whole world.

Gardai · 21/09/2019 14:35

If a friend asked me to piss in a bucket in the garden she’d be an ex friend. New baby, books or not. Stop facilitating this madness.

meccacos2 · 22/09/2019 08:25

This is ridiculous you’ve been reported 🙄

I believe you - my sister became very smug after she had her children and everything revolved around her.

This is just about control. I suggest that you tell your friend quite firmly that this is your home and you can’t not use your own toilet for 8 hours in case the baby wakes up. It’s utterly ridiculous.

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