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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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For friend not to visit!

108 replies

MoonlightDancer · 20/09/2019 18:31

Our friend recently invited us to her house visit and catch up...she's been reading A LOT of books on parenting, sleep training, vitamin powders for babies etc...she's a newish mum (1 year old)...so we understand she's wanting to get things 'right'.

When we got there we had to whisper the entire time we were there...when it came to having dinner we had to eat with plastic cutlery so it wouldn't make a noise on the plates and drink out of plastic picnic glasses so we couldn't make a noise when putting it on the table like a glass would...when it came to using the loo it was either the pub down the road or pee outside in the garden in a bucket which we drew the line at and ended the evening to get back to our hotel and use the facilities!

When we met up the next day I apologised we had to go but was bursting for the loo...she said that in her books it mentions about having absolute silence for children to get into a deep sleep in the first hour and they don't wake for hours...her child cannot sleep without the environment being pin drop silent now!

She's messaged saying looking forward to seeing you and staying over with a list of 'rules' that must be adhered to in order for her child to sleep for example unplug landline, phones on silent, no tv etc! We've made it clear that it's impossible and to expect noise etc, doors in and out, doorbell, phones ringing, washer on etc!

We've offered to pay for a hotel which is 15 mins away from us but she's messaged back saying she can't control the noise at a hotel but at mine she can! AIBU to say no to visiting if she won't accept that noise will be in my home! We live 250 miles away so she will be staying for 4 days.

OP posts:
GotToGoMyOwnWay · 20/09/2019 18:58

@thecatinthetwat - err no. How strange that you wouldn’t live a normal life. What happens when you have number 2. How you going to control a toddler?

Interestedwoman · 20/09/2019 19:00

Every single thing you describe at hers is 'nutty,' especially the not using the loo. It's your home, you can have it how you like within reason when you have guests. xx

MissConductUS · 20/09/2019 19:00

The car is a magical environment for putting babies to sleep. When my DD simply could not settle herself down for a nap we'd put her in the car seat and drive around for a bit. It worked a treat and we could then pick up the car seat and carry her back into the house in it, deeply asleep.

MoonlightDancer · 20/09/2019 19:03

@thecatinthetwat not a problem for an hour or two but the whole time the child is sleeping??

Thanks for the replies all there are more demands such as no using either loo, plastic cutlery etc like it was at hers! I just think we'll have to be a little more firm and come to a compromise if it's more than a few hours!

I like the idea of an air bnb will suggest that to her and pay for it.

OP posts:
Isleepinahedgefund · 20/09/2019 19:03

This is a brilliant example of how childbearing puts women into a state of temporary insanity. She will laugh about it in years to come.

ArthurMorgan · 20/09/2019 19:03

Are they planning on having any more kids? Because.. Well.. You know.. Noise n shit..

thecatinthetwat · 20/09/2019 19:04

How strange that you wouldn’t live a normal life.

Haha, what with a baby? Nope nothing ‘normal’ went on. I don’t understand people who seem to carry on the same as before, but hey ho.

Anyway, what is it about her rules op, that you have a problem with? Did you want to strut about wearing high heels. I think you’re being a bit dramatic. Your friend is obviously very sleep deprived.

Anyway, up to you to do what you want, but I think you’re over-blowing it a bit.

Hadalifeonce · 20/09/2019 19:05

I think I would tell her that of course you will considerate re the baby, but you cannot guarantee complete silence. 'Phones won't be switched off, but the volume will be turned down. Nobody will be shouting, but not whispering either. The toilet will be open for business as usual.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 20/09/2019 19:06

Be straight with her ..Be blunt.
Dear friend
Really sorry but both of us are really beyond words at what was expected of us when we visited your home.We cannot adhere to your rules nor do we agree with your parenting style.Our house is noisy,busy and full on functioning and we will not be changing that.If you feel you are able to come and accept us then we would love to host you,I do understand we all parent differently and whilst we may disagree on methods we totally appreciate what works for you in your own home.,
We just have very different methods so I will leave it as an open invitation for you to visit but please be aware you will need to take us as you find us.
Best Wishes etc or something like that!!!! ish

thecatinthetwat · 20/09/2019 19:06

no using either loo

If it’s yellow let it mellow?

tillytrotter1 · 20/09/2019 19:06

She sounds to be an idiot, poor child, hopefully she, the mother, will grow out of it!

Idontwanttotalk · 20/09/2019 19:07

"she's messaged back saying she can't control the noise at a hotel but at mine she can!"
OMG, the absolute cheek!

You need to tell her that she may dictate the rules in her home but she can't in yours. Then I would pray that she decided not to come.

ElizaDee · 20/09/2019 19:07

Well she's made a nice rod for her own back, hasn't she.

Howyiz · 20/09/2019 19:07
Biscuit
EmmiJay · 20/09/2019 19:08

I'd blow her mind by showing her that if she gives the child enough fresh air to burn a ton of energy, by bed time the child could sleep through a hurricane. She would be shocked! Shocked I tell you!

EugenesAxe · 20/09/2019 19:08

Of course YANBU - she sounds insane. What was she thinking?! Babies sleep through everything. There was one of those ‘thunder explosion’ type claps above our house one morning after I’d just got up; my DS was downstairs too and the thing made me physically cower and simultaneously burst out laughing in shock (and I love storms). We raced up to check DD wasn’t crying her eyes out but she was still fast asleep 😆

She seriously needs to suck it up. If they learn to settle she should be wringing your hand in gratitude.

ControversialFerret · 20/09/2019 19:08

I'd message her back:

We'd love to see you but clearly you cannot stay at ours. It's one thing to ask guests at your house to follow your rules, but you can think again if you expect me to pee in a bucket in my own home! Let me know once you have sorted out an Airbnb or a hotel.

Do NOT offer to pay for it!

MoonlightDancer · 20/09/2019 19:09

@thecatinthetwat not being dramatic at all...I just want her and us to enjoy her visit! But also to remember it's our home, I am taking time off for this too so the baby will be asleep during the day too...I love my friend and want to make this visit as comfortable as possible like I would for any friend!

I don't wear shoes indoors that's the only rule we have is that they are left in the porch...and she has the same rule for her house!

OP posts:
FantasticPhyllis · 20/09/2019 19:09

I'm not sure whether to believe you, buuuuut, I still wee in the dark and don't flush the chain at night. There's something about our bathroom light switch which would wake my eldest up when she was a baby. She's 4 now and I still do this out of habit Grin

forkfun · 20/09/2019 19:10

This is crazy but I have to say I feel sorry for her. Sounds like she's made her life terribly complicated. It's obviously some kind of control thing that has spiralled. If you can, I would try and talk to her. Maybe with some leading questions, like, does she know other babies who sleep well. Do their parents have the same rules? Can she conceive that it's possible children sleep well in other circumstances? Could this strict set up have a negative impact on sleep, i.e. make child too sensitive to noise?

MoonlightDancer · 20/09/2019 19:10

@FantasticPhyllis Smile

OP posts:
GotToGoMyOwnWay · 20/09/2019 19:11

Why on earth would you offer to pay for her madness??? I’ve 12 nieces & nephews, 16 first cousins who all have dcs. Not one of us has behaved like this. Not one.

babymum89 · 20/09/2019 19:12

Just a thought but is there any chance she is struggling with PND? I did and felt I needed/had to control every aspect, if I didn't I lost it as I was so worried about the consequences... irrational!

MoonlightDancer · 20/09/2019 19:14

@Hadalifeonce that's more my style just wasn't sure how to word it without coming across harsh just the right tone my friend would understand...thank you

OP posts:
Clangus00 · 20/09/2019 19:14

Someone I knew did all this crap too. Her parents visited one night when her child was about a year and they never went back! It was absolute lunacy.

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