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Original poster

To think getting someone’s name wrong is rude?

113 replies

KyraLittle · 20/09/2019 18:10

So I’m having some meetings with someone at work and this week is the first time we’ve ever met.

She got my name wrong once and I corrected her.

This morning she again called me the wrong name.

My name is not difficult.

OP posts:
Cittadina · 21/09/2019 12:04

Oh, names, yes - I correspond with so many people at work - sometimes I get it wrong but apologise profusely when I realise I do that. I certainly do not do out of rudeness, it's a genuine mistake. I think if people work is, say, sales or customer face role it's more important but in my field it is definitely not a sackable offence.

crosstalk · 21/09/2019 12:11

I envy people who can remember faces and names. I am hopeless and panic which makes retrieving the name/face from my mangled mental database even harder. However I have a highly organised database for facts and am highly organised generally so, as a PP has said, memory is an odd thing. I am okay with colleagues -providing they don't meet me accidentally outside work- but even get concerned if hosting or going to a party of old friends.

Clearly it can be used as a power play which is why OP is feeling offended. I suggest s/he directly asks the offending person if they have a problem with names. If they don't, then firmly ask them to remember.

Thrupennybrit · 21/09/2019 12:17

No, if they're not doing it deliberately then it doesn't bother me. Otherwise I'd have spent my life offended as it happens so often.

BlueChangeling · 21/09/2019 12:19

For years my old hairdresser used to call me by the wrong name, both very common names but sound nothing alike, I got fed up correcting her so just answered when she called me by it.

Things got very awkward and I had to find a new salon when my friend happened to be their at the same time as me and when she noticed she laughed and asked the hairdresser why she was calling me by the wrong name. The hairdresser then got very upset and started crying because I'd 'made a fool of her by not correcting her for years'.

Ehhh I had at the start and secondly anytime I made the appointment I made it in my own name so she would have also seen it in the appointment book.

SmoothLawAbider · 21/09/2019 12:29

It is rude!

In a business setting it signals all sorts of negative things, starting with she is not good at detail, accuracy, remembering

Surely it's only rude if it's deliberate? In which case it wouldn't signal lack of attention to detail, accuracy or bad memory, right? If it was caused by those things, then it wouldn't be rude because it would be a genuine mistake caused by a lack of attention to detail, accuracy or bad memory.

Missingstreetlife · 21/09/2019 12:35

Call them by the wrong name repeatedly until they get it

tillytrotter1 · 21/09/2019 12:45

I used to find that in any class I taught there were two whose names I mixed up, nothing intentional, it just happened. I used to tell them after confusing their names a couple of times, 'You're this year's mixed up names!', nothing was intentionally done. My grandchildren tell me they're pleased if I get the first letter right!

Marinetta · 21/09/2019 12:54

I do find it rude. It's like she thinks you're so unimportant that it isn't worth the effort of learning your name.
I have a name that is commonly shortened but I hate the shortened version and always inteoduce myself with my full name yet loads of people call me the shortened version without ever hearing me use it of asking if that's what they can call me. Pisses me off no end and I think its rude.

RandomAmanda · 21/09/2019 13:40

Once somebody got my name right after seeing it written down. Once. One time. I remember it well.

ALoadOfTwaddle · 21/09/2019 13:47

Once is a mistake. Continuing to do it after you’ve been corrected is at best lazy and at worst rude.

Or different people's minds work in different ways and not everyone has the ability to remember names straight away. It always amazes me how many people on MN seem to think their life experiences and abilities are universal.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/09/2019 13:54

Forgetting a name is one thing - continuing to use the wrong one when you’ve been told it’s wrong is quite another.

Teddybear45 · 21/09/2019 13:57

I work with someone who always gets my name wrong in person and has never even tried to talk to me or get to know me. Recently we had a call where she confused me with someone else and was able to pronounce and recall my name just fine (to bitch about me) so I called her out about it. She has been like a mouse ever since and hasn’t gotten my name wrong once. Some people often do it out of a place of bullying or thinking they are better than you.

OnTheBorderline · 21/09/2019 13:58

I have a very Scottish name but it's phonetic and very easy to spell and pronounce. People constantly get the vowel sound wrong. It does annoy me a little as if it was pronounced that way it would be spelt differently. My boyfriend's granny called me entirely the wrong name for about two years.

It is annoying but some people are just shit with names.

guinnessguzzler · 21/09/2019 14:35

I do think there are some people who will deliberately manipulate names to show some kind of dominance eg always getting it wrong, using an abbreviation you don't go by etc.

However, there are lots of people who find recognition or recall difficult. You really need to know the person to judge that.

I have a good few people in my life who won't always know who I am when I see them (face-blind, blind, forgetful, it's been a while) so I have fallen into the habit of just introducing myself like you do on the phone whenever I see anyone to whom that might apply eg 'Hi Louise, its Guinness, long time no see'. It seems to work pretty well and no one ever takes offence. I now use it in all cases where I'm not 100% sure the person will get my name or know who I am.

Patnotpending · 21/09/2019 15:05

I've noticed so many younger people asking whether this or that is rude that I'm beginning to want to respond with 'Why is it all about you?' I don't want to be an old fogey, but really...

Some people are wired in such a way that they find remembering names and faces really easy while others find it much more difficult. The kind of incident you've described is only a matter of rudeness if you make it so.

Really good manners are all about not making another person feel awkward or stupid or uncomfortable. So if you'd like to make a classy impression you smile sweetly and respond when she calls you Barbara but after your meeting you send her an email saying how delightful it was to meet her and you and sign off with your name. But of course to do that you need to get over thinking that everything's about you.

SmoothLawAbider · 21/09/2019 15:07

I do think there are some people who will deliberately manipulate names to show some kind of dominance eg always getting it wrong, using an abbreviation you don't go by etc

Anothernotherone · 21/09/2019 15:21

Weirdly I could always remember my kids friends names until they hit their teens, and then there'd always be two where I couldn't remember which was which... Why is that? I think it's because some kids start trying to dress and do their hair as similarly to one another as possible... Also all DD's friends seem to have names beginning with A and all DS1's friends have names beginning with L... Which is Leon and which is Laurence? Which is Alicia and which is Alana? Hmmm

50% of people pronounce my name wrong where I live and 95% of people spell it wrong. I don't care, but this might be partly because I don't actually like my name. I also can't help subtly mispronouncing a lot of names where I live because I don't even hear the difference in vowel sounds. This makes me glad that people often mispronounce my name and I'm happy to answer to anything that's definitely meant to be my name!

It's only rude if done deliberately to belittle/ annoy IMO.

FluffyRabbitGal · 21/09/2019 18:13

It is rude. I worked somewhere where my manager kept calling me the wrong (but similar-ish) name. For the first couple of months I kept correcting her, but I gave up as she obviously didn’t give a shit. What annoying me the most was I always wore my name badge so there was really no excuse!

rosedream · 21/09/2019 19:00

I struggle to remember names. I'm dyslexic. Not sure if it's connected. I also say a name wrong then remember the mistake not the correct name.

I spend a lot of time avoiding calling unfamiliar people by their name. I get so worried which then adds stress and makes it all worse.

Your boss may be the same.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 21/09/2019 19:27

I have the feminine version of a boys name. Despite my taking great pains to pronounce it the feminine way, people still call me the boys name. I correct them once, then give up - but to me it shoes that they haven't done me the courtesy of listening to me.

Waiting4Sprogo · 21/09/2019 19:40

I’ve been with my dh for 7.5 years (married for 4). He split with his exP 12.5 years ago. My FIL and MIL still call me by her name. It’s just f-ing rude! ExP is a bloody lovely woman, I like her a lot (she and my dh share a son so they have remained on good terms over the years) but my in-laws are just crap. AND I also have a child with my dh so you’d think they’d have some pride in their dil and the mother of their other gc but clearly I’m just a nameless, walking womb. “Blessed be the fruit” - dickheads! Hmm

OwlBeThere · 21/09/2019 20:05

My son can’t remember anyone’s name. People he spent all day every day with for 7 years at school and he still can’t remember what they are called. It’s related to his autism/processing disorder. I think assuming it’s rudely meant is pretty weird.

nevernotstruggling · 21/09/2019 20:41

I get it all the time. It's a name with two pronunciations. So I introduce myself as Jane and they say Joan. They might as well say nice to meet you Mary...

I have a colleague who gets it even worse. His name is josi pronounced jo-see I guess like josie. It's a diminutive of Joseph used in his culture. It's really not hard. I cringe on his behalf all the time it's maddening.

Meanwhile I'm a children's social worker. Not one kid has ever got my name wrong. They have forgotten it sure but no kid has ever called me Joan or jean or whatever!! Not in 10 years!!!!

FeelingSad2 · 21/09/2019 20:58

Some people just really struggle with names. Me being one.im a complete people pleaser and hate getting names wrong, but I just do sometimes. My husband who is not as bad as me at getting names right/wrong even writes people's names down on a list at home out of fear of getting them wrong!

I wish people would be more relaxed about it, then we'd feel less bad.

Personally I couldn't care less what I'm called (within reason!!)

katewhinesalot · 21/09/2019 21:02

Bloody hell I hope it's not deemed too rude. I haven't yet RTFT.

I have a great memory for faces but I'm absolutely rubbish at names. There is often just a blank and it's on the tip of my tongue but I just can't access it in the panic of the moment.

My worst was when I was introducing someone, who I'd done a hobby with every single week for years, to someone else. Could I remember his name. It was mortifying.