To think getting someone’s name wrong is rude?

[KyraLittle]

So I’m having some meetings with someone at work and this week is the first time we’ve ever met.

She got my name wrong once and I corrected her.

This morning she again called me the wrong name.

My name is not difficult.

I look after 200 kids in a playground.

I struggle to remember all their names, especially during the first month of a new school year. My memory particularly trips up on whether it's Alf or Alfie; Tom, Tommy or Thomas etc. I don't do it on purpose and apologise when I get it wrong.

To my annoyance I'm finding names harder to remember with middle age. We have two new secretaries at school, I don't have much to do with them and their names just won't stick. It's mortifying.

I am terrible with names, it makes me panic that I forget about 5 seconds after being introduced. I’m not purposely rude. It’s just a weird mental block.

Simple when she calls you by a different name you do the same.
She may just get the hint.
If not call her BOB.

@BringOnTheScience
I have a colleague who shortens everyone's name. I corrected her discreetly at first, then increasingly publicly. I've even explained exactly why I hate the abbreviation (abusive ex-step father called me it). They still persist. It's just rude.

I have a long-term friend who does this, it annoys me. Nobody has ever called me anything but my full name, which is short (and I don't even like my full name, to complicate matters), He turns it into a name like a Victorian tweeny-maid, like Minnie or Biddy or Aggie. He's very competitive, and I know it's deliberate. I've known him since teenage years, he's a link to that time, so I pretend not to notice and just don't reply when he does it.

But...I wouldn't tolerate it from a colleague I'd not reply as a starter, then if that doesn't work I'd email her in quite a formal way. Along the lines of "Dear Blah blah, I have asked you repeatedly not to address me as 'Sci'. I have explained why the name is upsetting, but you still use the abbreviation. I'm now formally requesting that you stop doing it, as from my point of view it feels like being bullied. I hope you understand how upsetting this is for me. Regards Science"

I know exactly why my friend does it - he's fond of me, but is also aggressive and competitive with everyone, me included.

Your colleague is trying to diminish you by calling you a shortened name that you've told her you don't like. It is a not-very-subtle form of bullying. It might give her a bit of a shock to have the word 'bullying' applied to what she's doing. Sometimes people are so un-self-aware that they don't even know why they do things.

To my annoyance I'm finding names harder to remember with middle age.

This is sadly true. I've had a couple of instances of this lately with new colleagues. I've just got a completely wrong name for them in my head. ONE OF THEM ISN'T EVEN A HUMAN NAME! (unless you're a redheaded Spice Girl)

Fortunately I'm able to remember when I actually speak to them.

There was a girlfriend of the friend of a chap I was going out with a few years ago who used to do this. She did it to show me how insignificant I was in their circle. The conversation was always turned, by her, to events which had happened before he’d met me, and how close they all were.

It’s a sign of deep insecurity when it’s done on purpose.

I think it is rude, whether accidental or not. If you get someone's name wrong once and they correct you that should be embarrassing enough to make sure you get it right next time. Otherwise it seems like you couldn't give less of a shit whether you know their name or not. My husband really struggles to remember things and to relay speech (as a result of an accident) so he writes names down or repeats them back as much as possible. Just having a bad memory is a shit excuse in my opinion if someone with moderate brain damage manages it.

When I lived in France I'd didn't really get offended if someone got it wrong repeatedly as I know my name isn't a common one over there so even after I corrected someone I could tell they hadn't fully understood what my name actually was. Over here though it is a very common name and if someone got it wrong twice I would be a hit miffed that they couldn't even be bothered to remember after I corrected them.

I work in a shop. I have a large name badge pinned to the front of my uniform, yet I had a regular customer who called me 'Susan' (not my name, not even close, sharing almost none of the same letters, but the name of a colleague who doesn't even look like me) for four YEARS!

Eventually I asked him why he called me Susan. He looked baffled and said 'isn't it your name?' I pointed to my name tag. He squinted a bit said 'I never wear my glasses when I'm out', but now calls me the right name (mostly and I laugh and correct him when he's wrong).

I now worry quite a lot that I actually look like Susan to someone who doesn't wear glasses (she is about a foot shorter than me and four stone heavier).

I really don't think this is rude, I work with loads of people and I am. Always forgetting names or getting them wrong. My name. Is easily said incorrectly and often spelt incorrectly I don't have a problem with it. People forget and haveots on their mind.

2 people I occasionally worked with both had similar hair, worked part time, so they were rarely in on the same days. They both worked on the same team and hot desked on the same desk. I kept trying to remember who was who - but no one wears name badges. I just kept trying not to say their names.

One of them eventually left. I do miss her, but it does make remembering the other person's name so much easier.

Some people just struggle to remember names - especially if they interact with a lot of people and rarely interact with them regularly.

I do try and remember names, but some just don't stick in my head. I have called my dcs by each others name, when we had a dog his name was thrown into the mix. Last night I accidentally called my sister Grandma while talking to my dc.

It's certainly very annoying.

A ballet teacher once kept calling my dd the male version of her not at all uncommon name. Why on earth I don't know - you'd think dd's almost waist length hair at the time might have given her a clue.
TBH I just put her down as a bit thick, if she genuinely didn't know the difference.

A different ballet teacher persisted in calling other dd by a popular short version of her name, which she hated and none of us had ever used. She was told, nicely, but carried on regardless

Worst case I heard, though, was a school teacher who persisted in calling someone Katherine, after being repeatedly told that her official given name was Katie. Maybe she was trying to make a disapproving point about official short versions.

In such cases I think I'd tell the child to 'fail to hear' if the teacher persisted.

To me it's just basic manners to get a person's name right.

Unless she is doing it on purpose, no. Why is making a mistake rude?

Once is a mistake. Continuing to do it after you’ve been corrected is at best lazy and at worst rude.

I’m surprised at how many lazy people there are on this thread defending this kind of behaviour.

My name can be spelt a few different ways and is also a bit similar to other legitimate names. So my name is frequently misspelled and people occasionally call me the wrong name. It’s happened all my life and it never occurs to me to think they are rude.
I suppose I would if it went on a long time after more than one correction, but why would most people do this on purpose?
Names are fairly random labels for us and sometimes they don’t stick. I can often remember lots of biographical information about the person sat next to me that I met once at the same club a months ago, but not their name!
It’s not disinterest or rudeness, their biography has narrative and emotional interest, whereas I probably only heard their name once, and it’s link to the person is arbitrary, - unless we are in rural Spain and it’s a nickname like “La Gordita”, “El Tuerto”, La Manguita”!

I have an unusual first name, that has two different pronunciations (geographic split) but the other version is more often used.

I really don’t mind mistakes when people first meet me, as you can’t tell the correct pronunciation from the name written down. I do mind when it continues.

Especially at work where I rarely use a shortened version, which avoids this problem. But I have been in my job for 24 years and people don’t get it right.

After the first mistake then yanbu.

I have a first name that is easily mixed up with a similar but slightly longer one and a surname that is usually misspelled. Both are used in work email, the number of complaints my boss gets from people because ‘sproglets hasn’t replied to my email’ is ridiculous. Fortunately he sees the funny side.

Oh God, names.

I try really hard. I do. I listen carefully, I use memory tricks, at work I write them down carefully and revise them before going into a meeting.

I'm still shit. I think my problem might actually be remembering faces, rather than names (the mortification of introducing yourself most politely to have them reply, "Yes, we met last week" should not be underestimated )

I find it rude! Especially on emails where the person has had to type your name into the address bar but then goes on to call you the wrong name in the actual email message!

I don't think it's rude unless done on purpose.

Yes Gilbert. When it's right there in from of them in an email or text. No excuse. At the very least they weren't paying attention to the e-mail.

*front

I think it's rude if they've been corrected once. If they can't remember they can ask. We used to have a manager who never bothered to learn the name of our cleaner just used to say "have you seen that cleaner" I always corrected him by saying "if you mean Mary yes nor no" , quite often he would say "who's Mary" just rude.

I used to sing in a choir with someone that used to interrupt what we were doing to introduce herself to me every...single...week - like I was new, or she was new, for about three years. INFURIATING!!! Then I noticed that she was leaning forwards, putting her hand out, then shutting her eyes when it was my turn to say my name. I finally said “You know you have introduced yourself every week for three years now. Perhaps if you were genuinely interested in remembering who you were talking to, you’d keep your eyes open and try and remember the face and the name to avoid this bit every week. It’s gone beyond endearingly weird into irritatingly rude!” and she never suddenly remembered my name after that!

"I am 6 foot, heavy built (as in muscle, not fat), no beard, jet black hair and 31 year old asian man."

Simon, I think you are confusing Mumsnet with the Guardian Soulmates