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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

..to think that, except in very special circumstances....

272 replies

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2019 12:26

....you should not have a baby with someone you have known for less than, say, 5 years? And you should both be at least, say, 2 years away from the relationship with the parent of your other children?

OP posts:
Enko · 20/09/2019 13:41

I kinda get what you are saying OP " Know the person well before you have a child." & if you already have children have a good distance of that relationship before getting more.. I agree with that part

However. DH and I had known each other 4 years and been married for 2 when DD1 arrived.. that was 21 years ago .. My friend had known her husband 8 years before they had their dd1 He turned out to be the most appalling borderline neglect parent and they were divorced before their dd turned 3.. He now has little contact with their dd. Oddest thing is you would never have known as he just seemed like a lovely person and was supportive in the relationship when it was just the two of them. Friend went out one night by own admission had a what she figured ONS fell pg and is now happily married to that "ONS" I think now 14 years ... She says herself that of the two of the on paper her first dh would be the one to "bank on" but in reality it was the other way around.

I know men who have children with months between them (so overlap in relationships) where it functions very well and I know situations where there were 5 year between 2nd family and it doesnt function well.

it isnt always as simple as saying "5 years"

SarahAndQuack · 20/09/2019 13:41

No, I think you're absolutely wrong (like most people, clearly).

When I met my DP we both knew we wanted a baby. If I'd not had a baby with her, I would probably have had one on my own. My DD is the absolute best thing that either of us have been involved in. And we were together rather less than a year when we went to the fertility clinic.

I get the impression you think getting pregnant quickly usually means having an unplanned baby. I assure you, after spending months filling in forms, being asked a lot of questions about ourselves and our relationship, I really don't feel we were carried away by the romance of the moment.

AlexaAmbidextra · 20/09/2019 13:41

I’d go further and say I think blended families are ill-advised but I’m aware that’s extremely unpopular.

I said on another thread that imo, blended families are a fucking shitshow where innocent and powerless children are forced into dysfunctional situations by selfish adults. I say it again here. I don’t give a flying fuck who shags who but I do judge when there has to be ‘a babee’ added to the mix to give it some authenticity.

Catconfusion · 20/09/2019 13:42

I completely disagree. DH and I are 40 and we met 18 months ago, got married a year ago and I’m 10 weeks pregnant with our first child. He is the best partner I could hope for and will make an excellent Dad. Granted younger people probably need more time but relationships are so individual. It’s possible just to know it’s right whatever the age.

ChildminderMum · 20/09/2019 13:43

5 years is a bit long as many people successfully meet, marry and have 1 or 2 children in that time. I was having my 2nd child (with a 3 year age gap) 6 years after meeting DP.

But maybe live together for at least a year before getting pregnant, and a couple of years between leaving a marriage/relationship with children before embarking on a new one.

AussieBeauty · 20/09/2019 13:45

@NoCauseRebel

Thankyou so much for the advice in your post. I appreciate you taking the time to tell me your experiences too :-)

NiteFlights · 20/09/2019 13:45

5 years is a long time. Rather than time, I’d say couples ought to thoroughly discuss their attitudes about money, work, marriage and children before they have any children.

Regarding your second point, I tend to agree. So many posts on here involve families with three (or even more) sets of kids - his, hers and theirs - and I really wonder about the impact on the children. I also think it’s not great for children to get the message - even subconsciously - that they are less important to a parent than the new partner and new children. I kind of agree with NoCauseRebel on this point. If that makes me judgy, so be it.

timshelthechoice · 20/09/2019 13:46

I'd have run out of time. I agree blended families are 99% of the time an utter shitshow.

Kokeshi123 · 20/09/2019 13:47

You are unlikely to learn anything after five years that you wouldn’t have learned after one.

Yes, but I think the point is that at least the relationship has stood the test of time?

I think five years is excessive. A couple of years would be a better bet as a minimum. And yes, both parties should be completely disentangled from any previous relationships. I also think that partners should be either married, civil partnered or have another equivalent set of legal protections in place.

Oh, and what LolaSmiles says.

Impatienceismyvirtue · 20/09/2019 13:48

My parents’ marriage and parenting is an absolute shit show.

They were together for 6 years before getting married, and another 7 years before they had me (my mum was 37 when I was born).

Your “rules” are... if I’m trying to be kind... too simplistic. It is far more important what kind of person you are and time won’t change that.

Oysterbabe · 20/09/2019 13:48

I know I say this from a position of still being with my children's father, but if anything happened to him or us as a couple I wouldn't bring a new man into their lives until they were older teens at least. I just would never trust anyone enough and another man is never going to love them like their father loves them. I'm talking specifically about my situation here, I know lots of fathers are shitbags.

BertieBotts · 20/09/2019 13:49

I always had these sorts of numbers in mind for myself actually - I reckoned I ought to be with somebody for at least 2 years before getting engaged, and at least 5 years before having (planned) children.

In hindsight it would have been really really sensible - IRL I got engaged and pregnant to XP after 9 months and it was FAR too soon - I had no idea what I was getting into. OTOH I got engaged with DH at about the 2 year mark and it felt about right. And by chance we started TTC at the 5 year mark, and I think we are pretty solid as a couple and seem to have struggled much less with the new baby thing than a lot of people do. Whether that's to do with the length of time or we were just lucky or because I already had DS1 so we already had experience of parenting together, who knows.

I do think it takes a good couple of years to properly get to know someone. And I also think there's a further level of knowing somebody which comes with a further few years of being together. It's probably not necessary to have these time limits in place, but it is sensible and helpful to keep them in mind, and to think about them if somebody is trying to rush things along without good reason.

If you are older than the point at which you'd be looking at potentially having your last planned child at 40, then obviously you'd want to reduce the timescales, but to balance this, you're most likely in your 30s, which means you probably have significantly more experience of relationships than somebody younger, and are more likely to be able to make a judgement sooner.

I don't think I agree with your 2 year deadline after a previous relationship at all, but there definitely should be a gap between living with someone again just because the gap allows you time to reset a bit, rather than potentially lurching from one unhealthy relationship to the next.

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2019 13:49

“Please take your "morals" elsewhere.“

No morals involved at all! And i’m not suggesting any of this should be enshrined in law.]grin]. I just think in most cases, it would make for more happiness all round. I’ve retracted the 5 years, by the way.

OP posts:
Groovee · 20/09/2019 13:49

Dh and I have been together 22 years. Dd is 19 and Ds 16. We've had our ups and downs but we're still together despite being just short of 3 years when we had Dd.

Biancadelrioisback · 20/09/2019 13:49

We got married after 2 years and I fell pregnant later that year. So by your book I shouldn't have had a baby with my husband?

firawla · 20/09/2019 13:50

5 years seems ridiculously long, we had 3 kids by then! But I do think the 2nd point makes some sense, you would need distance from a previous relationship. Breaking up and moving on to a new relationship and new pregnancy so quickly seems like it could be very hard on the existing kids due to too many transitions and upheavals. Each to their own of course, but I can’t really imagine that being very easy on young children

Bookworm4 · 20/09/2019 13:50

There’s also threads with people married 15 years, have a baby and he reveals his arseholeness, there is no successful formula.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 20/09/2019 13:51

What are the special circumstances?! I got pregnant after 3 months with now dh we've been together for 6.5 yrs and been married 3.All is good here thanks.

RickJames · 20/09/2019 13:52

I understand the point you are making but I feel it's a bit harsh and doesn't allow for extenuating circumstances.
Also posting it on a Mumsnet as opposed to a Ladieswhoaredatingnet is a bit like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted!
I'm sure I/we were dafties for having our son so quickly but it's worked out well for us. We certainly didn't compound the daft by having affairs, having a bridezilla type wedding or getting into debt etc. Maybe that's a big factor too. Some people just can't seem to make sensible decisions or live a manageable, undramatic life.
People just do what they think is right, I suppose, and other people will disagree.

timshelthechoice · 20/09/2019 13:55

Some people's religions don't allow for all this living together and 'partner' stuff before marriage.

Sparadrap · 20/09/2019 13:56

I don’t think time limits are the way forward.

Much better would be if we all had to do a compulsory course at school in “how to spot an arsehole”

We would be tested on what are the main red flags to look out for and we would have to write essays on how things would pan out for us in life if we chose a red flag man.

The reading list will include books like Stay and The Bitter End.

Once in a new relationship we would have to fill in tick sheets to assess the men for potential arseholeness. If they score highly enough they get a certificate to allow them to procreate.

Of course there would be ones who slip through the net, but I think a good chunk of them would be caught and dumped Smile

hsegfiugseskufh · 20/09/2019 13:56

I agree blended families are 99% of the time an utter shitshow

that's probably a bit harsh, lots work well. Lots don't, but I don't think 99% is anywhere near accurate.

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2019 13:56

I’ve retracted the 5 years- and I did say there could be exceptions! Grin

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 20/09/2019 13:58

“Much better would be if we all had to do a compulsory course at school in “how to spot an arsehole” “

That is such a good idea! Freedom Programme for all!

OP posts:
burntpinky · 20/09/2019 13:59

Hmmm don’t think 5 years should be mandatory. I met DH in Dec 14. He moved into my place after 7 months but kept his own place (owned) in case it didn’t work out.

He then rented that out in Dec 15. Bought a place together April 17. Got engaged July 17. Had a baby Sept 18 (didn’t marry first cos of my age - decided to try for baby first). Married June this year. Now trying for second.

He’s a great dad and husband (when he’s not being a dick about laundry).

I think we took it relatively slowly

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