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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dummies should not be taken to school pick up!

110 replies

friedeggsandbeans · 20/09/2019 10:33

Just that really, Mum at school picks her DS up from school, he's just started so 4 or 5 years old, and gives him his dummy, so he is running around the playground, with his friends, with a dummy in his mouth. Absolutely nothing to do with me, but why? why would you do that?

OP posts:
CarysRed · 20/09/2019 13:59

As a PP said, some children his age are probably at nursery depending on when he was born. You wouldn’t be judging them. I’d like to know how you know for sure he has no SEN.

Original poster
friedeggsandbeans · 20/09/2019 14:24

Ok, I will rephrase, at this particular moment in this boys life, he has not been diagnosed with any SN or have any medical issues that would mean he needs to be picked up from school and be given a dummy.

OP posts:
intermittentfasting · 20/09/2019 14:25

How do you know that though? Why would the parents share that information with you?

CoastalWave · 20/09/2019 14:28

Hmm. I can't really judge about the dummy as my two (5 and 6) still have one at night but i definitely wouldn't take it to school. And both of mine know that dummies are for bed behind closed doors! It's a comfort thing. 5 yr old particularly has major sensory issues.

The mum has set a precedent now for her child. Be interesting to see how long he has that dummy in for after school!

LulaLandry · 20/09/2019 14:50

Ok, I will rephrase, at this particular moment in this boys life, he has not been diagnosed with any SN or have any medical issues that would mean he needs to be picked up from school and be given a dummy.

And you know this for a fact, do you? You have access to the child's medical history?

Her0utdoors · 20/09/2019 15:15

Sounds absolutely fine, and emotionally beneficial to me. I'm sure I did the same for dd, and no worries about oral development, she still breastfed some days too at that point. One girl in her class was helped to settle by having a bottle of milk at pick up. They are tiny, and starting reception is a huge deal.

WhyBirdStop · 20/09/2019 15:18

@friedeggsandbeans did you give your children a dummy

Kanga83 · 20/09/2019 15:48

How do you actually know there are no issues? Do you really think every aspect of other children's health and issues are for your judgement and approval? My child has a myriad of issues, none of which I discuss with others, especially not the cavern of gossips that turn up on the school run. The only dummy that should not be allowed anywhere near pick up is you quite frankly. Go focus on raising non judgemental, inclusive kids and how to be a better human. You've fallen short off the mark of perfection here.

AdalindMeisner · 20/09/2019 16:02

I commented early, obviously still stand by what is said (basically nobodies business).

However, after reading a few more posts I have to add something. A few posters have said the child will have coped perfectly well all day without so don't need now, well I disagree.

I have two girls one diagnosed with autism (diagnosed aged 16) and another currently being assessed. You would never know that either child had issues if you met them at school but once the day is over and they are in their safe place the mask drops and all hell can break lose. Masking is a genuine thing associated with autism, so again PLEASE do not judge. Nobody has any idea what is actually occurring, whether there are issues. If a child needs a dummy as a release then so be it.

Oh and my 4 year old still has a dummy, she sleeps with it and when a meltdown kicks in it helps her calm herself so I am not going to take it away dlfrom her.

AdalindMeisner · 20/09/2019 16:04

In fact, she has just has it in the car on the way home from school (30 minute drive) - she was tired, stressed and it helps her regulate her emotions just a little bit.

Nowthatsamiriacle · 20/09/2019 16:53

My DS is 4.5 and still has a dummy, no SEN, he just likes it. Although I wouldn't let him have it in the playground, as it's not allowed outside the house, I still definitely would not judge another parent for it. If I were you I'd take a step back op and see the bigger picture. Is it such a big deal? No. So why waste the effort gossiping about it?

Greyhound22 · 20/09/2019 17:03

I couldn't give a shit to be honest.

Posts like this (and there have been loads lately) just remind me that my parenting is being constantly scrutinised by strangers (women) whenever we are out - even if they get just a snapshot of our life. Sad really - is why I don't bother with making friends with other mothers - I just go about my business.

Bringonspring · 20/09/2019 17:11

crikey to your child falling out a window-really pleases he was ok. I can only imagine how difficult that was

Venger · 20/09/2019 17:16

Maybe I'll take a dummy to work and see how well it goes down after all it's noone elses business right?

I took a dummy to work when I quit smoking, whenever I got that "hand to mouth" urge I would have a few sucks of my dummy instead. No one was bothered in the slightest and I've been off the cigs for 11 years thanks to it.

Ok, I will rephrase, at this particular moment in this boys life, he has not been diagnosed with any SN or have any medical issues that would mean he needs to be picked up from school and be given a dummy

Oh the ignorance. Do you think SN appears at the moment of diagnosis? DS was autistic long before he began being assessed for it.

If he can manage all day without it, I'm sure he could manage til he gets home.

That moment of transition where they first come out of school is a flashpoint for many children, particularly for children with SN, and waiting until they get home can be much too long. Google after-school restraint collapse and coke bottle analogy.

Baguetteaboutit · 20/09/2019 17:17

Given the social stigma around older children and dummies, I imagine that she has a good reason for it.

Many children who are 4yo have additional needs do not yet have a diagnosis or a handy label to satisfy the judgements of the easily outraged.

Original poster
friedeggsandbeans · 20/09/2019 17:44

I know many children do not have a diagnosis yet, I know some children will not get a diagnosis until they reach adulthood, some won’t at all. This is not about SEN, I just wondered why a parent with a primary age child would dangle a dummy at the school gate.

OP posts:
Dinomom52 · 20/09/2019 17:47

My son has mobility issues so we pick him up from school with a pram 🤦‍♀️

He’s 4. I’d rather not, but otherwise he can’t make it to the bus stop. We don’t drive.

He looks fine but does struggle with long days/long walks & by the time we pick him up he’s done.

He’s absolutely too big for us to carry, so we give him what he needs regardless of what other parents might think is appropriate

Ohyesiam · 20/09/2019 17:48

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Venger · 20/09/2019 17:57

This is not about SEN, I just wondered why a parent with a primary age child would dangle a dummy at the school gate.

And you've had your answer several times over.

x2boys · 20/09/2019 18:01

Does it really matter? Reception children are very young assuming there are no SN he will probably drop.it after a term or two,maybe even if there are SN my son when he was reception in ( special school) just threw his dummy across the room one day and never wanted it again but so what he probably wants a bit of comfort .

Original poster
friedeggsandbeans · 20/09/2019 18:05

No doesn’t matter at all. Shouldn’t of asked, shouldn’t of noticed. Should keep my nose out. Message received. Thanks

OP posts:
Absoluteunit · 20/09/2019 18:07

Some kids with SN (my daughter included) find home time really difficult. Too many people in the playground, too noisy, long day of holding it together. See PP about the coke bottle effect. There are many reasons the child would need comfort after school.

The mum will be aware of judgey people so I'm sure she wouldn't bring it lightly.

Venger · 20/09/2019 18:08

No doesn’t matter at all. Shouldn’t of asked, shouldn’t of noticed. Should keep my nose out. Message received. Thanks

Happy to help.

zxcvhjkl · 20/09/2019 18:25

@PuffHuffle5 Do you think there is a suitable alternative for every child. Really? If so do send them to me. Myself, our OT and all of our medical team have spent much time and money seeking and trialling alternatives for my son and guess what.... There isn't.
I suppose the fact my DC who also has a dummy at 5 AND wears nappies would really blow your mind. I am not babying - DC has needs. DC can pass for being "normal", walks and has verbal capabilities and intelligence far advance of any peers in the same year of mainstream school. But their are weaknesses in other areas. Therefore yes in an ideal world all children wouldn't be in buggys, would be dry, no dummys etc but the exact date you seem to think can be dictated and applied to all children simply doesn't exist. It isn't babying, lazy parenting or not supporting development it is what works for and is appropriate for that individual child.
So yes as I said in my post they are "preferences" because of course one option is preferable to the others but that cannot be applied to every child.

zxcvhjkl · 20/09/2019 18:41

This whole thread confirms what I already knew - ignorance is bliss, prejudice is rife and too many people cast judgement of things they know nothing about.