Pregnant and scared my life is over

[signofthetime]

I'm due to have a much-wanted baby next year. It's mine and DH's first child and will probably be our last, given my age (I'm 36, soon to be 37).

However, since falling pregnant I've been reading some of the child-related threads on Mumsnet and it's made me really question whether we've done the right thing in ttc.

There's one thread in AIBU right now where the OP talks about how difficult it is to hold down a job with a young child, with lots of posters who describe trying to juggle everything and how stressful it is.

I've read other posts where people say they can't wait for the kids to go to bed every day so they get some adult time. Then there are the threads where people say they wish they hadn't had kids at all, because the reality is so different to what they'd expected - which also makes for quite terrifying reading.

I'm worried that this child is going to make our lives so incredibly difficult and stressful and that we'll massively regret the decision to start a family.

It scares me that I'm doomed to be stuck in sick-stained joggers with greasy hair for the next five years, with barely any time to use the toilet, let alone take a shower. I've read other MN threads where this is the experience people describe.

Please tell me there are some good sides to having a child and that it's worth all the stress? Or do lots of people genuinely regret having their kids and wish they were still child free?

Of course there are lots of good sides - it's just that when they happen, people just enjoy them and have a lovely time, they only come on here (generally) when they're struggling.

There are tough moments, but they are outweighed by the lovely bits, which are (sickeningly) amazing.

It will be difficult and stressful, but it will also be wonderful. That's kids.

Also - nearly 37 so will be your last? Not if you don't want it to be. Don't pay attention to the 35 cliff' hysteria. It's more like 40/42 unless you have fertility issues.

Doesn't harm to try to line up some help, if you can, too.

I never wanted children but conceded for dh's sake once we got married. I was a bit older too - 34.

I was dreading it to be honest as I did really like children, parents of children and hated child related things.

My dd is almost two now and is the light of my life. I can't lie and say I've loved every minute, but I've liked every minute. And she's a particularly demanding ('high needs') baby who refused to be anywhere but my hip until she learned to walk.

It can be tough and boring at times (playgrounds are like mind numbingly boring death traps) but she's so much fun and such good company. And was from day one.

Life is difficult trying to juggle it all but it's not like my life was super easy before- I just used to go on massive nights out to unwind and forget about my stressful week.

What I'm trying to say is you've probably not made a massive mistake.

I’m pregnant with my first and feel a bit like you. I’ve been having to try and ignore the (SO MUCH!) negativity and unwanted advice and just try and think positively. Like the PP said - people are more likely to leave a bad review then one saying what a great time they’re having. I hope... 😳

Only thing having a baby has ruined is my tits tbh. But at 36, they had a limited shelf life anyway

Of course there are good bits, otherwise everyone would stop at one child. It will be stressful and difficult but, in all honestly, a damn bit easier if you only have the one. For example, In 4.5 years they will be at school and that’s much easier (and cheaper!). I have 3 - that’s 9.5 years of having a child younger than school age. At 1 child you will have much more disposable income, a much smaller window of someone following you to the toilet and fewer years until they leave home!

Like the PP said - people are more likely to leave a bad review then one saying what a great time they’re having. I hope...

That is true. From some of the threads I've read on Mumsnet it sounds like having children is hell on earth!

My friends seem to enjoy motherhood from what I can tell, although no one in real life is going to admit they made a mistake, obviously.

There isn't one experience of having a dc. The experience of someone who has a high needs dc, has PND and very limited family support will be very different to someone who has an easy dc, good mental health and significant support.

Having dc is a significant life change but there are lots of ways to parent you need to find one that works for you and your dc.

As a pp said if it was that bad then most people would stop at 1.

I wouldn't judge the world by what you read on Mumsnet - it will give you a very slanted perspective!

Having kids was the best thing I ever did. But then, I am lucky, because my kids are pretty awesome.

Yes it’s tough, but my children are the best decisions I’ve ever made. I can’t describe the love I have for them and although life is different, and much more difficult, now- it’s truly wonderful.

For example, In 4.5 years they will be at school and that’s much easier (and cheaper!).

On the other thread (about working with young kids) several posters say that it's a myth that it gets easier when they're at school..!

I have 4 kids and have never had sick stained joggers and greasy hair. I won't lie - it's sometimes quite shit, but the positive massively outweigh the negatives. My kids are adults now. It's been a ride, but not one I regret.

I have felt the same at times and this baby was desperately longed for! But now it's a reality its scary! My husband works every hour of the day and I don't really have friends or many family around me so I feel like I'm facing this alone!

It is hard juggling work and DC and yes when they are in bed it is lovely to have some adult time. However for me at least the joy of parenting far outweighs the negatives and I love it.

In my opinion it is incredibly hard, currently have a 2 year old and a 1 year old and there are times where I feel so overwhelmed I want to hide and cry and would just like a minute to unwind or breathe!

However they are by a mile the cutest, funniest little people and honestly when I look at videos and photos of them from the day we've had when they're in bed I miss them so much after about an hour.

My life would be so dull without them. Absolutely worth it in every way.

Well, it’s definitely cheaper! I’ll confess I’m a teacher so I don’t have to worry about holiday care, which just adds to the more than one parenting experience idea...

The point is, that they are little for such a short amount of time that, in the scheme of the rest of your life, the early bits are nothing.

OP don't be silly! It's not that bad. I mean the first year is bad. I was at sixth form when mine was born it was awful.

But when you put them in nursery it's easier and you go back to work and get a break. You have a partner to share the workload and experiences with.

Look how many parents there are in the world. If it was that bad nobody would do it. You'll be fine.

It's hell on earth some days and you feel emotions you never thought you could. But it's amazing! It's a new way of life and takes adjusting and learning but once you find your feet the good outweighs the bad!

My advice is that you sit down with your husband and talk about how your lives will be for the first 12 months after the birth and then when you go back to work.

Sort out all the details. Who will look after baby, do night feeds and changes, do the house work, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry and wifework. When you will go out, together and separately and how you will do hobbies, see family etc. What childcare you will use, who will pick up and drop up .

Talk about everything. Because my experience is that many if not most men think that their partner is having a baby and their lives will continue much as they are now. Except that they will get to post photos of themselves and baby on FB.

Then the woman is overwhelmed because she has to do nearly all the childcare and all the housework and wifework. And when she goes back to work she has to do 90% of childcare and 90% of other work PLUS paid work . That leads to exhaustion, anger and resentment.

So talk about this all now, so you can see how your expectations differ.

There are down sides, but I think o PTA tiny percentage regret having children.
I utterly hated the small child bit, felt like I was drowning, but I still think having my family was the best thing I have ever done

I think it's normal to find aspects of parenting difficult but I honestly don't really relate to those kinds of threads OP. I'm 31, have a 2yo and pregnant with my second. I also work FT as does DH. We love our little family - I'd say our marriage is stronger since having little one, we both pull our weight with childcare/housework so that we can enjoy family time together at the weekend. We are in no rush to get DS to bed of an evening - in fact we both feel quite sad on days when he's shattered and crashes earlier than normal! I do have to be organised as I'm a teacher so term time can feel hectic but I prioritise, don't procrastinate and accept what I do will never be perfect to try to alleviate stress. I am much happier as a mum than I was before and I don't really miss my life pre-kids. The hardest part of the whole thing for me is pregnancy and delivery! After that I think it's great. Of course I am expecting 2 to be harder work but I don't feel like I'm currently run off my feet or struggling to cope and neither does DH so I hope we will fine!

Hi OP,

I had all that twelve years ago with DS. I'm 37 now too.

"Sleepless nights. No social life. Body's ruined. Life revolves around child. No time for yourself. Exhaustion. Snot covered clothes. Mountains of nappies. Brain numbing baby groups."

Now. While I'm not going to poo-poo that, as every experience is different, I can confirm my experience renders that all utter bollocks.

DS has been so bloody easy. And he has ADHD. He slept through the night at 5 weeks 2 days. I kept waiting for the shoe to drop, something to ring true about all these down trodden, knackered mummy stories, but it never did. My nails have always been done. I was back to pre pregnancy size in just over a month. He just sort of came along with me everywhere I'd normally go. It wasn't no hassle at all. Yes, a pram is a bit of a clunky thing around stairs, but seriously that's barely an inconvenience. I put him in a nursery for a little bit very early on, and that helped loads too.

So, he's now 12. And we've had some issues more recently, more down to the ADHD, but...I'm now pregnant again...and it's twins, and I'm literally not even phased. I'll probably get some horrible shock as karma, but I'm not even interested in the "twins are inexplicably hard" speeches. Because that's essentially a beefed up version of all the speeches I got with DS. And I panicked back then, it spoiled my pregnancy. I'm fully prepared for these twins to be a massive wake up call in case I was just lucky with DS, I'm not in denial. But I'm also aware as an ADHD child he was supposedly more difficult than the "normal" child and so if these two are only as "difficult" as him, or quite potentially less so, then lovely. They're often as much trouble as you make them.

Enjoy it OP. And ignore the doom mongers.