Pregnant and scared my life is over

[signofthetime]

I'm due to have a much-wanted baby next year. It's mine and DH's first child and will probably be our last, given my age (I'm 36, soon to be 37).

However, since falling pregnant I've been reading some of the child-related threads on Mumsnet and it's made me really question whether we've done the right thing in ttc.

There's one thread in AIBU right now where the OP talks about how difficult it is to hold down a job with a young child, with lots of posters who describe trying to juggle everything and how stressful it is.

I've read other posts where people say they can't wait for the kids to go to bed every day so they get some adult time. Then there are the threads where people say they wish they hadn't had kids at all, because the reality is so different to what they'd expected - which also makes for quite terrifying reading.

I'm worried that this child is going to make our lives so incredibly difficult and stressful and that we'll massively regret the decision to start a family.

It scares me that I'm doomed to be stuck in sick-stained joggers with greasy hair for the next five years, with barely any time to use the toilet, let alone take a shower. I've read other MN threads where this is the experience people describe.

Please tell me there are some good sides to having a child and that it's worth all the stress? Or do lots of people genuinely regret having their kids and wish they were still child free?

I have 9yo twins and a 5yo. Life is a constant juggling act, and I was sweat pants and a ponytail woman for a while although I did manage to wash.
When I had my twins I remember thinking 'what have I done? I will never have a moment to check my email ever again'.
But of course it gets easier, and I love being a parent. Really love it. The joy my children bring me is indescribable and I have no regrets.

I love having DS, We plan another, I'd have 3 but we can't really afford it. He's an absolute joy to be around, we have the most wonderful chats about our days (he's 3.5) his outlook on things is so lovely, I do wonder when we lose that imaginations and positivity.

DH and I both work Full time, but we have short commutes and share the at home workloads so it works for us. Leave house 8am, all home by 5:30pm and all eat together at 6:30. We both work to make our lives easier so a cleaner is top of my list.

It's hard because it's new, and unknown, but for me it's been worth every minute, even the harder ones.

I only have one DD15 and had her at 34.
I honestly couldn't be without her.
I recently discovered a diary I wrote when I was 6 months pregnant and continued it til she was 2 years old. It's lovely reading back on when she first walked, talked etc and now I've given her the diary which she loves.
Most people are too quick to complain and not so quick to compliment.
Yes, there's been tough times and challenges but on the whole I couldn't love anything more than being her Mum.
Congratulations OP

OP your life will change, there’s no getting away from that. Some days you’ll wonder what on Earth you’ve done, some days you’ll count the minutes until bed time, but every day your child will look at you a certain way, or give you a kiss or a cuddle, or his/her face will light up when they look at you and that will be enough to make you determined all over again. Child stories are like labour stories, take them all with a pinch of salt.

OP I don't think there is anything wrong with knowing its not going to be all rainbows and giggles but having kids can be amazing at times,. Are there shit bits? Absolutely. Are there times when my heart could burst I'm so happy? All the time.

I don't think you can truly explain the conflict of love/annoyance/tiredness/joy until you actually have your baby and are living it but you will be fine! Congratulations

As others have said, it depends on your child as well as your home support network. I had mine at 46, with an older DH and no family support. It's been a great experience as we are financially stable and both have time to spend with DS and he's a lovely easygoing child.
A friend has 3 children, two have SN and it's seriously tough for her on occasion, and at other times when it's going well, it's pure magic.
Other friends have equally varied experiences.
There's really no way of knowing how it's going to pan out.
Being a worrier isn't helpful so if you can develop a glass half full mentality, it will help you through the tricky periods.

I don't think you can truly explain the conflict of love/annoyance/tiredness/joy until you actually have your baby and are living it

That's the thing - I just don't think I can comprehend it at this stage, at all.

Does it get tiring having a little one demanding your attention all the time? I'm scared that I'm going to really resent it and that I'll have regrets.

We were actively ttc so the child is very much wanted - it's only since getting a BFP that the doubt has really set in...

Mine are now teenagers but without a doubt they are the best thing I ever did. Bloody hard work at times but still the best thing ever.

I think it all depends on a number of things, how "easy" your baby is, your own attitude toward stuff (glass half empty/full) how involved your Dp will be, any additional help you may or may not have, free or paid for.

But like with everything there will be good days and bad days, but they are just days, they end and a new one begins. Sometimes a day seems like 67 hours, sometimes they go fast.

It is completely normal to freak out over having a baby. Be kind to yourself, batch cook so you have food to eat when the baby arrives, order your food online and take any help offered, that means they make you a drink when they come to see you.

I have to admit I'm definitely a "glass half empty" kind of person naturally, so it sounds like that could be an issue. Knowing what I do of DH I think he will be a very hands-on dad.

We have one child and it’s great. There’s time for all of us to do our thing. Dh works ft and I do four days running my own business.
I can only imagine what 2/3 children would be like in terms of juggling - it’s not for us. One child is great.

@Courtney555 thanks - your post is reassuring. Congratulations on your twins!

I think it’s normal to ‘doubt’ yourself when you’re pregnant. I’m also pregnant, due in the spring, but I am doubting myself over this one as my youngest has just started reception and it’s like starting over. But I know it will be ok, I will be ok, the baby will be ok and it will not last forever. You will be the same op. But also, I would refrain from reading the posts you’ve described as they will heighten any worries you have.

What 0lga said is so true! I am a much older than you Mum who had my DD after many fertility issues and I get a bit sick of hearing some Mums whining how difficult it all is, I particularly hate hearing how bad pregnancy is-it is for some women but not all, you get fed this story of how awful being pregnant is, how awful giving birth is and how hard kids are but it’s not always true so try and just feel what you feel and not listen to others too much as they are often only saying it because they feel the need to.

My son's the best thing that ever happened to me.

I was like that with my first, I was 34 and he was a surprise baby. I cried for weeks after I found out I was pg and lived in denial for the right of the time. I was ill prepared and cried for two weeks after having him. Being a parent is hard, especially if you're doing it right, I won't lie. My DS is 18 now and I simply adore him, he's so much fun and the mere sight of him makes me smile. I even went on and had a second child, lol

One chid - two adults you will be fine. It's when you have more than one it gets tricky.

OP, like you I had my 1st at 36, 37 by the time I gave birth, and after the initial excitement of being pregnant wore off, I spent a lot of my pregnancy questioning if I'd made the right decision (,I honestly didn't like other people's kids) and I worried about my life changing etc. However, I can honestly say from the moment DD arrived it was the best decision of my life, my world changed for the better, I haven't regretted it. So much so, that I had another 2 in my 40s. It's hard sometimes, challenging, but I wouldn't go back to my free and easy life.
Don't worry, you will find your way, life will change but embrace it. Good luck

Does it get tiring having a little one demanding your attention all the time? I'm scared that I'm going to really resent it and that I'll have regrets.

It does get tiring sometimes. There may be days where you feel resentment and regret, towards your DH as well as your child. But it's not everyday and it's not all the time. There are so many moments of happiness and joy that you experience too. All of them borne from your child.

I am in the 'it gets easier the older they get' camp. Every stage and age has it's own challenges but you gain experience and knowledge the whole time. You all move forward and adapt and your little family blossoms.

The bottom line is it's ok to be fearful of the future, even if it's one you've planned. And it's ok to not be ok. Always remember that and reach out for support if you ever need it.

I'm not going to lie, I have 2 and some days I find it a breeze and others I really struggle , but i wouldn't change it for the world , I adore my children. The hugs and hearing I love you are the best. My DD is 5 and she is a independent, tantruming, demanding monster, but she is also sweet and funny. She creates the most stress in my life and also fills it with Joy.

Yep - it's shit and hard and scary. Sometimes I cannot wait for her bedtime. I bloody hate playing Barbies. Homework is like a living hell.

However I love her more than I imagined was possible. Being a mum has enriched my life massively. I adore her spending time with her when we aren't rushing around getting school uniform on her. I have a successful and very senior career. It's tough when work is busy but very definitely worth it.

Hi op
I’ve got a Toddler. I work 4 days so have a good balance to my life. I do my sporty hobby 3x per week - once on day off, one evening a week and once at weekend.

The key is having a DH willing to do their fair share of childcare which mine does. Also we’re lucky to have a family member who loves babysitting locally and we can afford to put DC in nursery for half a day on my day off. So obviously that all helps and appreciate I’m fortunate.

Yes having a baby / toddler is hard - 100 times harder than I imagined - but my DC is amazing & I still have a life beyond child rearing.

I hated mat leave but as soon as I got back to work & got some balance back in my life I was much happier.

There will be hard times but it’s not all bad

Oh and that’s coming from someone who doesn’t like kids (until I had my own)

Yes you can get totally "touched out!" They just want you to focus on them ALL the time. But when I am down I can grab her and hug her and sniff her hair and I feel instantly 1 million times better.

Beware that the love doesn't automatically arrive the moment they are born. However one day you will be holding your child and it will dawn on you that they are the ultimate centre of your universe and that life without them is unimaginably awful. The idea of her dying creeps up on me occasionally and it is terrifying. My heart would break.

Does your DH currently do his fair share of domestic work?

Domestic work and admin (eg health, shopping) massively increases with a DC.

Is he willing to do a fair share of this, and share parenting, including when this affects his sleep, health, work and leisure time?

If so, you should be OK!

If not, now would be a good time to make some changes and decide what your boundaries are.

@signofthetime no worries, like I said, I can only speak on my experience, but that's what my experience was, and I wish I hadn't listened to people and enjoyed my pregnancy. It's almost like they enjoy the jibes.

Does it get tiring having a little one demanding your attention all the time? I'm scared that I'm going to really resent it and that I'll have regrets.

Nope. Because they don't. I've got friends whose kids run them ragged. And do you know why? Because they run after these precious first borns like you can't imagine. It would be a fairer statement to say run themselves ragged, thinking it makes them a more caring mother. A better mother. In my opinion it makes them a pointlessly exhausted mother, because their kid's no happier than mine, and I'm chilled out, with a cup of tea, flicking through the papers. DS wanted my attention. He also wanted his toys. He wanted to watch the fish. He wanted to watch the TV. He wanted to boing in his bouncer. He slept. They sleep a lot. He wanted to do a hundred things, which mostly didn't require me hovering over him continually.

Can I recommend you something? A little book called "French children don't throw food." This is my Bible lol. As a clueless first time mum, I followed this religiously and had a baby that was borderline effortless. I've still got it twelve years on as it meant that much to me, and I'll be using it as soon as these two appear.

You'll be absolutely fine. Be very keen to retain your own identity. You're not just "Fred's mum" you're you, with little Fred now accompanying.

I have a 2.5 year old, had a horrible pregnancy, was very low during the first few months although hid it well and she still doesn't really sleep through BUT she is amazing, I work 3 days (I've read that other thread) and the juggle is fine, maybe I am lucky, we juggle two sets of grandparents and nursery on the days I work, it's all over the place but I don't find it a struggle AND I work in central London so my commute is 1.5 hours each way. We both keep up with our friends, just takes a little more planning. I go away for a night every 6 weeks or so too which helps (some of my friends live further away). I adore my little girl, she brings so much joy!

I am very reluctant to add a second child into the mix yet though as I know we have it fairly nice at the moment but I am mid thirties now so will be a 'geriatric' next time....!