Pregnant and scared my life is over

[signofthetime]

I'm due to have a much-wanted baby next year. It's mine and DH's first child and will probably be our last, given my age (I'm 36, soon to be 37).

However, since falling pregnant I've been reading some of the child-related threads on Mumsnet and it's made me really question whether we've done the right thing in ttc.

There's one thread in AIBU right now where the OP talks about how difficult it is to hold down a job with a young child, with lots of posters who describe trying to juggle everything and how stressful it is.

I've read other posts where people say they can't wait for the kids to go to bed every day so they get some adult time. Then there are the threads where people say they wish they hadn't had kids at all, because the reality is so different to what they'd expected - which also makes for quite terrifying reading.

I'm worried that this child is going to make our lives so incredibly difficult and stressful and that we'll massively regret the decision to start a family.

It scares me that I'm doomed to be stuck in sick-stained joggers with greasy hair for the next five years, with barely any time to use the toilet, let alone take a shower. I've read other MN threads where this is the experience people describe.

Please tell me there are some good sides to having a child and that it's worth all the stress? Or do lots of people genuinely regret having their kids and wish they were still child free?

Mistakes I made in the first year with DC1 that affected my health: trying to do all the night parenting and almost all the domestic work. DH let me, even though I was unwell and he was in fine fettle, running half marathons!

We did change and stop this, but it damaged my view of him as a partner.

I felt just like you, had nightmares about it but as others have said, nothing had prepared for the overwhelming love and happiness that came with being a mum.

The feeling of being loved unconditionally is overpowering and makes you endure everything. You can have two hours of torture and just one smile makes it all go away. Or nights of no sleep and a cuddle and I love you makes you wide awake.

The very vast majority of parents wouldn't change a thing no matter the never ending moans!

@Loopytiles Is one of the downsides of breastfeeding that it's the woman who has to get up every time in the night? Or can you express milk into a bottle for DH to do some of the night feeds?

The feeling of being loved unconditionally is overpowering and makes you endure everything.

I know it sounds strange but I think I'm almost scared of that feeling - perhaps because of the huge responsibility that comes with it.

Parenting is different for everyone really,My children are older now ,but still nothing beats talking with them, having a laugh, eating out etc.Yes its hard when they are young ,but one smile /cuddle makes up for sleepless nights and teething several times over!

As a new parent, one of the most useful mantras is "All this will pass."

The horrors a 4am screaming baby who you can't seem to pacify, making you feel a total failure, and desperate for them to stop!
The toddler who insists on peeing in the corner of his bedroom, but never on the potty.
The despair of the rejection when you've artfully creating a colourful plant of wholesome food.
The initial agony of breastfeeding when it seems they will chew your nipple off, despite having no teeth...

We could have a whole thread dedicate to such times!

However, the other things that will also pass - those gummy smiles, chunky thighs, sniffing their downy heads as they snuggle in. the joy at watching every new achievement or when they finally sleep through the night! Andy many more...

Hopefully you will continue to feel pride and fulfilment in such a way, nothing competes, but cherish those earlier times too. Your life isn't over. A new role for you is born as your precious child is born. Embrace and enjoy xxx

Night parenting is about much, much more than breastfeeding. Nappy and clothes changes, winding, crying, trying to settle them. I personally found BF convenient at night, the issue was doing that on top of the other stuff. I did often express with DC1 and went to bed at 8 or 9pm in order to get a stretch of sleep until 1ish. DH would feel DC at 11ish.

Some babies don’t have the same “body clock”. DC1 was wide awake and playful at night for a year or so!

“All this will pass” doesn’t really help if the problem is inequalities in who is doing the parenting (including at night) and domestic work/admin.

many fathers are not doing a fair share of it.

You are describing the stereotypical middle class women’s nightmare parenthood. It really doesn’t have to be like that if you don’t want it to. Sometimes I’ve gone over a week without even seeing my children (and they’re still very young, youngest is three). I’ve really enjoyed motherhood and don’t resent giving up a few years to having a really close relationship with my children but my life hasn’t come to a stop completely. I’ve spent that time studying, lining up a job for when I finish my degree, picking up bits of work on the side etc. Many mothers do even less and hire a nanny when the baby hits six months or ship the kid off to boarding school at 8. We’ve used help ourselves to keep our own lives going. There is absolutely no need for ever second of your life to revolve around your children, it’s no healthy.

Mumsnet always has the effect of making me question whether I ever want kids, so I hear you! I was always confident I did until I joined this site, I'm much more wobbly about the idea now.

I think the reality is though that this site is skewed towards the worst parts of parenting because few people post when things are going brilliantly. So it can make the picture appear very bleak, when in reality it's just unbalanced.

It made me appreciate my job...
In all seriousness, I'd only send him back for like a day before I placed my order for him to be returned to me. Its fucking hard and no one tells you how hard it is. And Costa have had ALOT of money off me this year. But DS face at soft play this morning and how much hes loved to sit on my lap today does make it worth it.

I haven't read the whole thread but I just want to tell you - my nearly two year old is incredibly hard work at the moment, having a biting phase and waking up at 5 most days. I still love him more than I could ever imagine possible and he makes me laugh every day. And cuddling him back to sleep at 515 this morning was pretty awesome.
Yes your life will change forever. Yes there will be some days when you think, "what the fuck have I done". But I think the good outweighs the bad by a mile.

“Many mothers do even less and hire a nanny when the baby hits six months or ship the kid off to boarding school at 8”

Perhaps fewer than 1% of mothers.

If your OP represented the whole reality of parenthood, there would be children being put up for adoption left, right and centre.

I'm sure you've had experiences which were hard work, left you looking like you'd been dragged through a hedge backwards and fit for nothing but were also pleasurable because of the people around you and the sense of achievement? For me, every day of being a parent feels like that for one reason or another and mine are now 22 and 16.

You might end up covered in sick but it will be your own baby's sick and that's different so you won't care.

Having a child is a dream, a nightmare, a long series of ill-informed gambles, a huge privilege and an even bigger responsibility. It's worth every second of mess, stress and lost sleep (spoken as someone who was sleep-deprived for years) and you get back more than you give every single day.

You won't be able to imagine it in advance so there's no point in worrying about it.

You'll be fine

Its fucking hard and no one tells you how hard it is.

I agree they don't in real life, but they definitely do on Mumsnet! Which is refreshing but also scary at the same time.

You're already pregnant now. And it was a much wanted baby as you say. For some of us parenthood isn't for us. But if you've wanted this for a long time then yes you'll have to accept it won't always be plain sailing but equally it won't always be awful. Take the rough with the smooth.

I felt exactly this way and cried myself to sleep the last few weeks of pregnancy I felt so miserable.

BUT...... I'm a year in and I bloody love it!! Going into parenthood thinking its going to be really shit meant that I was pleasantly surprised when it actually turned out to be ok. All the things people told me were going to be crap never materialised for us. I found breastfeeding easy, she slept well, wasn't a big crier. Maybe I got lucky or maybe I was well prepared, I had read all the parenting books so I knew what I was in for.

I have found an inner calm/zen with my baby which baffles me, it doesn't exist for anyone else and it is pure joy to watch her change, transform and learn.

Of course there are the odd days where you think thank god thats over, but even if you don't have kids you still have those days. Plus they change so quickly phases pass quickly.

My advice plan for the worst and hope for the best, like most of us should fall somewhere in the middle. Goodluck it really is not that bad!

Before I had DS Mumsnet made me terrified about having a child. Now I have a 14 month old and it makes me feel very lucky, because I can see how hard it is if you don't have a partner who pulls their weight - but I do, and (largely because of that) it's a joy.

It's also horses for courses - I really, really wouldn't enjoy being a SAHM, and find the juggling of full-time work and motherhood a pretty manageable stress (again, much of this is circumstance - DH is a teacher so we can use childcare term-time only, we have local family who do one day a week for us, I've recently changed jobs to one with less heavy expectations of hours, etc). Some people would feel the exact opposite, and that's just fine. But you have to do what feels right for you - a lot of people made me feel it was 'wrong' to work full-time with a small child, but I've felt a lot happier since actively choosing to feel confident in my own decisions about this.

All those people who write about how awful having kids is - ask them how many they have - not many stuck at just one!

You life as you know will be over OP - that's the bad news - or the good news if you're eager for a new chapter. I felt ready when I had my kids and it sounds like you are too. All those lovely holidays and hours at the gym and pleasing myself were starting to feel a bit old hat tbh when I got pregnant with my first. Has it been at times? Yup. Do I regret it? Nope. Had another one three years later too. Nothing is all good or all bad. Having a family is harder work and more rewarding than anything else you will ever do. Don't let MN scare you that everything will be terrible - unless you're very unlucky it won't be. So think positive and congratulations on your first pregnancy

(haven't rtft). DS turned one yesterday, and as he was falling asleep I told him my life has been so awesome since his arrival. He genuinely is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love him more than I ever thought possible. I found the first weeks very tough and missed the freedom, but then something clicked and it's great. Yes, it can be tricky and trying at times, but I don't recognise the greasy hair and starving stories. I made a rule that I would have a shower every day and stuck to it. I also recommend getting out of the house every day. And before it starts: DS slept well but had awful reflux so it's not like we had an easy time of it.

Or the good news if you're eager for a new chapter.

DH and I both felt we were very much ready for a new chapter, hence the ttc. We have a lovely life but had both got a bit fed-up of it and wanted something different/more.

I already feel my freedom has been curtailed though and I haven't even had the baby yet! Going out doesn't hold the same appeal for example, as I don't find sitting in a bar half as much fun if I'm not drinking.

I've also felt quite sick and tired throughout my pregnancy and that's making me feel like I'd rather just stay home to be honest.

My friends with children still go to the pub and enjoy themselves though, and DH and I will obviously be able to do the same!

I have one ds 5.All the negative things you list are true but its still worth it.Its a massive life change and I definitely struggled but I dont regret him.

Some people find it hard some people find it easy. I am a professional with several kids and I don’t find the working bit hard. There are times when I get frustrated but it’s not world ending. Your life changes but you need to adapt. Just don’t become one of those parents who can’t do anything separately or without your kids.

I have never felt that my kids ruined my life, only enhanced it. I was young having my DC and many people would believe that I must have missed out on so much blah blah blah.

I can hand in heart day that having my kids was the best thing to happen to me and from the day they were born life was better.

It’s not all fun and games and Kodak moments. There will always be stresses and worries, but on balance life is so much more worth wile with them around.

Thank you for starting this post op, I'm the same age as you and feel the same way about potentially having a kid so the responses from other users are helpful. I've had an ED for years so not sure if it's possible anyway but thank you. I have no family to help out either with further compounds the will my life be over fear!