Pregnant and scared my life is over

[signofthetime]

I'm due to have a much-wanted baby next year. It's mine and DH's first child and will probably be our last, given my age (I'm 36, soon to be 37).

However, since falling pregnant I've been reading some of the child-related threads on Mumsnet and it's made me really question whether we've done the right thing in ttc.

There's one thread in AIBU right now where the OP talks about how difficult it is to hold down a job with a young child, with lots of posters who describe trying to juggle everything and how stressful it is.

I've read other posts where people say they can't wait for the kids to go to bed every day so they get some adult time. Then there are the threads where people say they wish they hadn't had kids at all, because the reality is so different to what they'd expected - which also makes for quite terrifying reading.

I'm worried that this child is going to make our lives so incredibly difficult and stressful and that we'll massively regret the decision to start a family.

It scares me that I'm doomed to be stuck in sick-stained joggers with greasy hair for the next five years, with barely any time to use the toilet, let alone take a shower. I've read other MN threads where this is the experience people describe.

Please tell me there are some good sides to having a child and that it's worth all the stress? Or do lots of people genuinely regret having their kids and wish they were still child free?

I have 3 kids, youngest is disabled and I work (albeit 3 days per week)

It can be - and often is - a monotonous grind and life is very, very different now to pre DC but it's not horrible.

Life is busy, chaotic, noisy. I have lots of appointments and additional responsibilities due to baby and her needs but even with 2 it was fast paced, non stop and very different.

Yet I have done it 3 times, and I never regret any of it (well never for longer than a few minutes anyway )

I have no family to help out either with further compounds the will my life be over fear!

@bakedbeanzontoast I have siblings nearby but they’re all very busy with their fabulous child free lives, so I think persuading them to babysit a screaming child might be an uphill struggle!

Mine and DH’s parents would be happy to I think but they both live abroad.

Good luck with whichever path you choose to go down!

Yes, there are low points. But the highs are amazing, great, wonderful and sometimes awe inspiring!

Even the teen years have real high points, when you realise you’ve done a reasonable job at bringing up a decent person (even if they haven’t quite mastered the finer points of coat hanger usage). Sometimes they just make you laugh so much, other times you find out that they know a lot about stuff and you had no idea! My boobs are squishier, my tummy baggier, but my life is much fuller though being a mum.

I think half of the problem for me is that I just can’t envisage this overwhelming love you feel for your child or vice versa. Even the pregnancy feels slightly surreal at this stage, let alone a baby popping out at the end of it!

The pp who said that love doesn’t always come straightaway scared me too. What if it just never develops?

I read your thread after the one about ivf. Maybe read that and think again 🙄

I've seen lots of posts on here from people who either have incredibly high expectations or haven't done any research. Low expectations and lots of research is the key.

I bloody love it, DS is the best.

It’s hard and stressful and some days bed time can’t come fast enough, BUT it’s amazing and fun and I’m sure you won’t ever look back, it is a huge adjustment but I’ve managed to hold down a job and friendships it’s not easy but it is doable. Good luck Op all first time parents have these fears

Don't worry about the child. Much will depend on their personality and you get what you get. Focus on your relationship and the division of jobs inside and outside the home. Olga's advice is good.

That’s a crappy dig, shopkins.

Don’t get me wrong I do very much look forward to my evening ‘me’ time but that is because I have to recharge my brain - I’m introverted by nature and before I had my twins I was massively unfit, now they’re toddlers and I’ve shed loads of weight just running around with them, taking them out in their chariot of a pushchair and generally not ever stopping except for our relaxed days at home when I have to get some housework/admin sorted.

The first year was hellish for the sleep deprivation but even at my lowest points I could just look at DD and DS and my stress would melt away, I even learned to giggle (internally) at some of the awful faces they pull when having a meltdown. A lot of the stresses came from my feeling ill equipped it’s true, but I’ve found myself more mentally resilient than ever and have a great time overall being a Mum.

I’m a SAHM so don’t know about the work/home balance bit as I wouldn’t have earnt enough to put one into full time daycare let alone two! But I’m enjoying it - even on the cranky days where nothing seems to go right, it’s just one of many other days where largely me, my DD and DS have fun just doing our thing. A lot of my distress of it all lessened when I decided I no longer gave one solitary shit about other people’s opinions on my parenting too. I have two sweet toddlers (most of the time) who more often than not, go to bed with giggles and smiles now. So - is it utterly exhausting and life changing? Yes. Would I personally change it? Not for the world and all the riches in it. Sounds cheesy - I don’t care - it’s true 😊

Also in response to your most recent update. My twins were prem, spent 4 months in NICU and DD came home with oxygen. I didn’t feel the immediate rush of love because I didn’t even really get to see them after they were born, they were brought for a quick kiss and then rushed off to be put in incubators as they were really low birthweight. I spent the first four months loving them but feeling disconnected. That changed after I got them home and started getting to know them properly. I had thought each newborn was a clean slate in terms of personality and that I’d have to help them mould that too, boy how wrong I was, the differences in their idiosyncrasies was apparent from pretty much day one and the more I got to know their funny little quirks the more I fell in love with them 😊

Oh god OP ignore all the shite on here.

I've got a toddler & a baby. Returned to work (albeit 4 days) when toddler was 1. It was fine, we had a lovely child minder, who will have both when I return to work after DC2 mat leave ends next year.

You need to be realistic tho. Life will change. You may change. I'm less fussed about my career now, I've shifted down a gear and am plodding along now, no desire for promotions etc, because I want to get out the door on time every night. That's fine in my line of work & with my employer. Other friends enjoyed the mat leave/toddler phase less so and have opted to maintain the pace at work, staying full time & using nannies etc. That's fine too, horses for courses, you will see how you feel when your kid arrives.

Don"t stress it. Theres loads to enjoy with kids. I dont regret mine for a second, they enrich DH & Is life immensely and are great fun.

Also OP, DC2 was in NICU and I didn't get the easy bonding opportunities I had with DC1 in the early days. I loved her relentlessly anyway & cried leaving her in hospital each day. Getting her home was the best day ever :)

I was never stuck in joggers with greasy hair. It takes 5 minutes to shower and I put baby in his rocker in the bathroom. I am a sahm and I know for a fact these will be the best years of my life and I'm in the terrible 2s stage lol! And I'm ttc a 2nd so honestly it can't be that bad 🤣

Sleep deprivation nearly killed me but it was a few months of my life, and it seems like a distant memory now (6 months later).

Having children is hard and stressful and tiring. But it’s also one of the best things I’ve done. If anything ever happened to my children - they are the most precious and important things in my whole world - I would literally crumble. I would just cease to be a living functioning human being. I find it really overwhelming to think that at one point I didn’t even know I’d feel that way about anyone, that I lived 30+ years of my life without having these people I love more than life itself. It’s much like having a partner (assuming you have a happy healthy relationship), it’s hard work sometimes and you make compromises and they annoy you, but would you have chosen a different life where you never met them? You probably wouldn’t. It’s like that. Nothing in life is easy but what would be the point of life if it was?

The effect children have on your sense of self and your freedom and your career is really up to you and your partner. I never ‘gave up my life’ to have my dc. I still travel (going on holiday alone in 2 weeks, no dh or dc - I do it every year, it’s great!). My career is great. I’ve taken about 2.5 years off total with 2 mat leaves and also worked pt for a bit. But I have a great career that I love and a dh who despite being the higher earner (by not much but still) does the school run more than me. One of us is home with them every day by 3pm and it’s done nothing but make me more efficient. Work is stressful for both of us some days, but it’s not because I have dc. My childfree colleagues are no less stressed! I got an excellent promotion after my 2nd mat leave and I don’t think dh or I feel like we’ve had to sacrifice anything. But I happen to have a wonderful and supportive partner who has always seen my career as just as or even more important than his, and we’ve both supported each other through career decisions and training and creating life goals, etc so there were no surprises about the sort of work life balance we wanted when we had dc.

I would just make sure together you have some sense of how you’ll share the load and finances and how you’ll balance work and childcare.

Having children well some days are easier than others and some are particularly exhausting same with everything else in life be it a job, family, friends, partner you have good and bad days with everything and that's ok ☺️

It's hard and exhausting (and at times infuriating!) but my nearly 14 month old DD is my world. I love her more than anything, and I can't imagine my life without her. Congratulations on your pregnancy .

The love develops, OP. Trust me. Mine is 7 months and not planned (wasn’t sure motherhood was for me). Pregnancy was freaking TOUGH (I’m in my 30’s) I did not enjoy that experience and the overwhelming rush of love wasn’t there for me mainly because there was so much else going on and you’re exhausted. But the instincts were there and all consuming, and that’s what surprised me the most. And now her smiling at me first thing in the morning is the best part of the day and makes the 6am wake up bearable. Its monotonous and knackering but the little breakthroughs and pride you feel when they happen are awesome. I relish the time I get when she goes to bed for a nap or the night, you still need your ‘me’ time, but I look forward to her waking up at the same time. It’s weird. I certainly couldn’t be without her.

I wrote a thread a few days ago asking ‘when will it get easier!?’ I have a 2yo & 3month old. Now judging from that one thread you might think my life is hideous, it’s not. My kids are bloody amazing, they make me happy every day.

Have you ever without question or hesitation been able to say you would sacrifice your own life for someone else’s? Without a shred of doubt? Because you will for your child - & that says it all really.

Yeah they’ll drive you bloody mental sometimes, & you’ll crave some adult/chill time. But then you’ll look at them & think how the fuck did I get so lucky?

Don’t stress OP, once they’re here you’ll get it!

I love my kids more than anything (as do most people) and when having a family has been the best times of my life. I also have a professional job so can compare the two. Having children is an amazing, fulfilling and sometimes challenging experience

My PFB DS is 10 weeks old. I haven’t made it to the shower yet today (waiting for DH to arrive home to take over) There has been vomit and also apocalyptic nappies today. It’s an absolute mission and a half to even leave the house. DS has been a bit fussy and clingy today so no naps and no time to get anything else done. Mummy Guilt Over Everything is a real and present danger. So far, so “what the fuck have I done?!?”.
However, when my gorgeous little son coos and smiles at me, my heart just explodes with love and joy and I can’t believe my body made this amazing little human So overall I’m cool with the other stuff. I realise I’m only 10 weeks in and DS is quite a straightforward, contented baby so I’m very lucky. He could be the worst teether ever and things get so much harder. Can’t ever imagine regretting having him though.

All those fears are true.

But I made DD5 laugh so hard she got hiccups and did an enormous burp this evening at storytime and it was perfect.

I guess it's biology. I threaten to shoot her out of a cannon on a daily basis but it's all worth it somehow.

I think the bad bits are all things you can comprehend and imagine before you have kids because you’ve experienced the same thing in some way.

The good bits though, I don’t hunk there’s anything else like it.

Have never regretted it for a single moment! I did multiple times during first, very much planned pregnancy start worrying about everything changing and had we done the right thing etc. We had.

It's a worry - wondering how everything will change . I cried just before I stopped for maternity leave to my boss in work panicking about how I would be as a mum and how my life would change .

Life does change and I changed with it and my partner changed with it . There are tough days and I had a much tougher time of it at the start than some of the mums I am friends with it . But I wouldn't change it . Best advice I can give you is make friends with other mums who are honest . We all message each other when the days are tough etc . Regular meet ups and baby classes help you navigate those changes in the first few months .

At 6 months I can say some of the highlights have been :

The smiles , the cuddles , watching their personality develop , seeing them grow , seeing them laugh , having them interact with you and others , watching them learn , watching the joy they bring to others , it's endless .

Take a deep breath and one day at a time.