AIBU or wicked? I prefer it when step kids aren't with us

[ShhhTheDogIsSleeping]

I appreciate I'm probably going to get a blasting here but...

I realised the other day that I look forward to the days of the week we don't have my step children. DH has 50/50 contact which is 3 days one week and 4 the next.

I feel really awful because I don't dislike the children at all, we get on really well, have a good laugh together etc. But I do get to the end of our days with them and think I can't wait to have our days 'off' now.

They are slightly older now so most evenings are spent staying up till later on watching child appropriate TV or video games. I feel like me and DH just don't really interact as much when they are here and we seem to get on so much better when they aren't. Not that we argue or anything when they are here just that we don't get much chance for adult conversation really.

Its not that I hate it when they are here, I don't, I still have a nice time, we still have fun. I just prefer the days/nights when it's just me and H.

Am I awful? I really don't think I'm a terrible step mother, they are treated so well and I really do think they are great kids but I do feel a pang of guilt whenever they are getting ready to leave and I'm actually looking forward to it.

The other week, Hs ex asked if we could have them for the night at the last minute because of a situation with her and we obviously said that was absolutely fine but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit disappointed for a fleeting moment.

I sound like a right cow don't I! I really don't dislike them, I feel very fondly towards them and I think in comparison to some threads I've read on here, we have a really close relationship, I just... I don't know!

Fishcakes, I think that's a good idea and it's one that I've actually been thinking about for a while. Trying to find a hobby that I could get into. Not even to get away from the children but just because I think it would be good for me to find something I really enjoy.

They are sweet though, the youngest is particularly fond of me. We have tears sometimes if I don't come with them somewhere on a weekend or whatever. H took them away last year whilst I had to stay in hospital just for the weekend and youngest was texting me constantly from Hs phone. It does feel nice

If anything it sounds like the problem is your time with them sounds monotonous and lacking in interaction. I’d be trying again at prising them away from screens. Is there an activity you could enjoy with them that could be your shared ‘thing’ - baking, a craft, puzzles, bike riding, massive Lego project, a book series you could read together...? It might help you embrace your time together a bit more if it was something that felt less like a chore.

Bubbins, it's funny you should mention baking actually because that did used to be our thing. When they were younger we'd go to the shops together and choose ingredients and try and bake something new every week. They (and me!) Really enjoyed it.

I feel like in the past year though (possibly longer) screens have taken over and they just aren't as interested anymore. I could probably pry the youngest away to do a bit with me but I don't think I'd have much chance with eldest.

I would actually like to do more stuff together. If we go out on a weekend actually to somewhere, we have a great time. It's just easy I think in the week after school/work to sit at the TV/iPad etc...

I feel like this with my very own twins! We haven’t been able to afford childcare but was told today we qualify for some free childcare when they turn two and I nearly jumped for joy. I love them, whole heart and soul love them, but I know there are times where they would benefit more from being at nursery than stuck at home with me all the time.

When they’re down for the night from 7.30/8pm onwards DH and I get our couple time, but that will become more and more sparse the older they get I reckon (at least until they become teenagers who want as little to do with us as possible 😂😂) so you’re not evil or wicked - you’re normal and well done for being a Step Mum, a lot of SM’s get a bad rap here but I’ve seen how difficult it can be to be one with my DH’s mum, she remarried and became SM to four and DH made 5, her husband only inherited on Step Child so he often didn’t “get” the difficulty she faced on a daily basis!

I can try speak to h again about the screens. But I feel like it's a losing battle really. Neither mum or dad want to be the 'bad guy' who stops them doing what they want to do (play on games console!) And so neither of them really put any rules in place surrounding screen time.

I'm not calling Hs ex at all, it's his issue too! But I feel like I'm the only one sometimes who actually wants to do anything about it but it's not my place to enforce if parents won't.

I love my daughter, she is gorgeous, funny and cuddling her is my favorite thing ever! However on the 2 nights a week when she stays with her Dad I can enjoy peaceful adult time and I love it. I look forward to me time or seeing my new boyfriend. Doesn't make me a bad mum!

I think it is fine to enjoy time when your step-kids are there but ALSO to enjoy time when they are not.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. My step children are older and I much prefer it when they're not around. It's a hugely unpopular opinion on here, but an honest one.

I could have written this
And I’m sat here thinking ‘thank god it’s not just me’
My sd lives with us (long story but her mother threw her out and doesn’t want to know her-but her sister still lives with mum)
It’s been one long slog to be fair-she never goes out apart from college or seeing her boyfriend once in a blue moon and as much as I like her I live for the days when she’s at college and I’m off work
It’s been hard enough with my own kids-someone else’s can be really tough

Not read the full thread so sorry if I'm repeating what others have said but I think you are a saint for putting up with the TV on all the time playing kids programmes.
They aren't guests, they are family, therefore you should be free to do your own thing, not stay in entertaining them.
Could you join a gym/class? Meet up with a friend or get a babysitter and DP and you go out? Or just go in your room and read a book.
God, I used to do this and I'm the biological mother! You need a break.

You’re not a cow and if it were me I’d take the opportunity for a night out! Who wants to sit in 3 nights a week with someone else’s kids! I’d leave him to it, not just to go out but I’d use those nights to do my own thing , in or out the house.

The children are part of the man. It doesn't make you a terrible person not to enjoy them. But it is something you must work to overcome. Cherishing those children and helping them to become adults is the deepest responsibility you took on when you became married to their father
Totally agree with this!!

I think that's totally normal. My partner has a 16yo son who is with us during the week and some weekends. I also look forward to the holidays and weekends when he's not with us - as I feel like I can be "me" more.

We get on and everything, but whereas my partner and I can just watch tele and cuddle with a brew, he's always got to be in conversation, or watching something that I don't like, or playing games loudly.. I'm an introvert with anxiety issues so it just gets too much. Add to that the college routine, making sure his work's done, giving him lifts to places, cooking at regular times (I'm more lax with when we eat when he's not here) and doing packed lunches etc, and honestly, it's a break when he's away.

I'm a lot younger than my partner, so moving in with him and a 16yo was a huge culture shock. I have no kids of my own but suddenly had to be responsible. I do my best but in many ways I wasn't ready for it, and am still sometimes not on the ball enough now.

I will always do my best, I will always help with homework, I will always make sure he has everything he needs, including a listening ear and freely available lifts. We have some great discussions (he does interesting A Level subjects that I could debate for weeks) and we're both massive sci-fi geeks, BUT, I would be lying if I didn't breathe a sigh of relief when I get a free weekend.

It's the same when my partner's away too though to be fair.. I guess it's nothing personal, I just NEED my "me time".. hence why I don't think I will ever have kids of my own. I can be a very nice person, but I'm far too selfish!

Nah your doing just fine
I feel the same about my own kids 🥴

You sound like most parents, actually. I know there are some people who can't bear to be apart from their children, but most of us love our adult times.

Just enjoy them when they are with you, as the alternative is to suffer while they are there.

I loved the break when my kids went to their dads and enjoyed having them more because I did get the breaks.

One thing to consider is how much you value the days without them. If they were never there, that would be the norm and you wouldn't appreciate having him to yourself nearly so much.

you might even start taking him for granted

Maybe I’m cynical but I don’t think any stepkids are naive to the fact that our step mothers don’t want us around all the time!

I lived with my dad in my late teens and I could tell I got on my SMs nerves by being there all the time and weirdly it would be worse when I tried to be normal and useful e.g cleaning/cooking dinner etc.

I know she liked me as a person though and now I’m an adult we get on great and have had some fab times all together. Don’t feel guilty!

I feel like this about my own DC

I don't actually agree that it's something op must try to overcome.

She sounds like a perfectly lovely step parent. As per this thread, lots of biological parents feel exactly the same!

I feel like that about my own kids sometimes! I adore them (obviously) but the chores and the wrangling and the bickering and the chivving that comes with having kids about isn't exactly total relaxation.

I think the very fact that you're worrying about this shows that you are a caring stepparent. You should cut yourself some slack.

@ShhhTheDogIsSleeping I have 2 lovely DSC (DSD 11 & DSS 13) and we seem them every weekend. We drive 2 hours to pick them in a different city on Friday night straight from work in a heavy rush hour traffic and drive back for another 1.2 hours. Then drop them off Sunday night again 1 hour 15 minutes drive and back to our place in 1 hour 10-15 minutes.

I hate the travelling part of it thats what I dont look forward to but I love having them. They love me and I truly love them. They dont need babysitting but DH and I ensure we spend some quality time with them everytime they visit. I always plan for our weekend activities with the kids way ahead in time so they are not bored and we all get to have fun together.

But honestly, there have been times where I feel I wish DH and I had a weekend off where we both could have some couple time. We both work full-time so by the time we come home during the week, we both are exhausted and then of course (cleaning, laundry, groceries, etc) all have to be done during the week as we dont get to do that on the weekend as we are always busy with the kids.

So I would say YANBU. It is okay to feel that way but I would agree with others here that as long as the kids dont get that feeling from you.

And I am sure you're a great Step mommy to them. So dont blame yourself.

YANBU. You sound like a loving step mum. Week nights can be tedious and I enjoy the weekends much more with my own DC. It sounds like, for you, the boredom of the weeknight slog isn’t much fun and I think it’s quite normal. Many, many parents look forward to when kids are in bed or elsewhere. It doesn’t mean we don’t love and enjoy them, it just means sometimes we prefer to be our non parent selves. I am a parent and step parent (DSD has always lived with us) and identify with what you’re saying.

It's obvious that there's not actually anything wrong with your down time, but reading between the lines it comes across to me that you're actually harbouring a few niggling resentments towards your partner. You seem to feel annoyed that he lets them sit on their screens all the time and insists on spending all his time with them but doesn't try to push for that time to actually include activities that are interesting for the whole family. You seem a little frustrated that maybe your husband assumes you feel as he does - will miss them all the time and not feel whole if the aren't there, which is quite a stifling feeling because it's only natural to not be on quite the same level and when your partner doesn't give you the breathing space to admit you actually enjoy your child free time etc it leaves you in the awkward position of constantly having to pretend otherwise even though it's a natural thing to feel.

I get the impression you're terrified of coming across as a "bad step mum", either on here or to your partner, but in my opinion, you should feel free to talk to your partner if you feel he is being a bit of a Disney dad and it's having consequences on the kids and the household, or you'd love it if you could all pick a film together rather than you all sitting bored while the kids pick etc. You should feel free to love and care for them but not feel incomplete without them. He ought to understand that.

I get the impression you're terrified of coming across as a "bad step mum"

I suspect you're probably right in this. It's certainly been a learning curve and I have had various feelings throughout that I've questioned.

It doesn't help that I am naturally anxious and a worrier.

My boyfriend has a 7 year old who stays with us for 2 nights every other weekend. I don’t have any kids. When she stays, he thinks it’s ok for her to get into our bed and have full volume conversations with her - this is any time from 6am. Is he selfish for not considering me, that she isn’t mine or should I put up with being woken up? We both work full time so weekends are our only chance at chilling and having a lay in. Any help appreciated.

You might be better starting your own thread @questioningmyplace but I think if she’s only there four days a month you probably have to suck it up. You could ask him to get up and get into her bed if they want time relaxing together in the mornings. I’ve always been happy for my step kids to get into our bed but not everyone feels the same.