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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or wicked? I prefer it when step kids aren't with us

124 replies

ShhhTheDogIsSleeping · 19/09/2019 13:15

I appreciate I'm probably going to get a blasting here but...

I realised the other day that I look forward to the days of the week we don't have my step children. DH has 50/50 contact which is 3 days one week and 4 the next.

I feel really awful because I don't dislike the children at all, we get on really well, have a good laugh together etc. But I do get to the end of our days with them and think I can't wait to have our days 'off' now.

They are slightly older now so most evenings are spent staying up till later on watching child appropriate TV or video games. I feel like me and DH just don't really interact as much when they are here and we seem to get on so much better when they aren't. Not that we argue or anything when they are here just that we don't get much chance for adult conversation really.

Its not that I hate it when they are here, I don't, I still have a nice time, we still have fun. I just prefer the days/nights when it's just me and H.

Am I awful? I really don't think I'm a terrible step mother, they are treated so well and I really do think they are great kids but I do feel a pang of guilt whenever they are getting ready to leave and I'm actually looking forward to it.

The other week, Hs ex asked if we could have them for the night at the last minute because of a situation with her and we obviously said that was absolutely fine but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit disappointed for a fleeting moment.

I sound like a right cow don't I! I really don't dislike them, I feel very fondly towards them and I think in comparison to some threads I've read on here, we have a really close relationship, I just... I don't know!

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 19/09/2019 14:19

If a mum is allowed to enjoy time away from her children, then I think the stepmum is allowed to enjoy time away from those same children too.
You can’t hold a stepmum up to higher standards if their children’s own mum enjoys a break.

funinthesun19 · 19/09/2019 14:19

*the children’s

funinthesun19 · 19/09/2019 14:22

Suck it up buttercup. He’s a father first and a partner second

She’s not trying to reduce contact so I don’t know what your point is? She’s saying she enjoys a break. Maybe you need to suck that up.

hippopootamus · 19/09/2019 14:23

YANBU. I’d be surprised if any step parent felt anything other than the way you do.

I have holidays with DH and DSCs and also couples holidays and absolutely prefer when it’s just the two of us. It’s not that I don’t enjoy holidays with his kids but there are restrictions that, without the parental love there, are less worth it than they are to him. No-one ever went on holiday and thought “well, this is nice but would have been better if someone else’s children were with us”!

OP, is it worth suggesting that they don’t always have free reign of the tv? Find something you can all watch / do ?

StealthPolarBear · 19/09/2019 14:26

"H says he feels like he should be spending time with them whilst they are here so wants to sit downstairs"
If you had them one day a week definitely. But they live with you half time, they need some benign neglect..
I have two dcs and love time aaay from them. Its not even them, its the noise and mess and the endless thinking about what to cook for tea. If I had servants, the kids could stay :) however I also get a warm fuzzy feeling when they're tucked up asleep in my house, and I imagine their faces at times during the day, which I suspect as a step parent isn't the same, no matter how much you love them. I wouldn't worry, as long as they know they're loved and wanted and you show that in actions. Which you do.

ChillUrBeans · 19/09/2019 14:27

They’re going to continue getting older... and you’ll see less and less of them.
^^ This

tbf I completely get where you are coming from and used to feel the same.

Now its mainly just me and DH kids we have DSS EOW but he now want to come EW but he goes to his room a lot - i'm sure he comes just to get fed.

DSD comes EW for dinner and DS comes one night in week for dinner and sometimes on Sunday to see the others (DSS goes to stay at DS's and DSD's also).

It changes so much as they get older so you tend to appreciate the time with the more as it becomes quality time as they want to see you or because they want feeding up and have more things to chat about. When any of them come now we spend most of the time in the kitchen and the TV never goes on because they have come to chat and fill us in on whats going on etc.

Original poster
ShhhTheDogIsSleeping · 19/09/2019 14:33

Its not even them, its the noise and mess and the endless thinking about what to cook for tea

I think this is part of it too. It's really not the kids themselves, it's just all the other stuff that comes with it.

OP posts:
Durgasarrow · 19/09/2019 14:33

I don't think it's normal to be thrilled by stepchildren. This is something that any man or woman who marries a person with child should consider very deeply before they get married. Marrying a person with children means marrying the whole package. The children are part of the man. It doesn't make you a terrible person not to enjoy them. But it is something you must work to overcome. Cherishing those children and helping them to become adults is the deepest responsibility you took on when you became married to their father.

Original poster
ShhhTheDogIsSleeping · 19/09/2019 14:36

It doesn't make you a terrible person not to enjoy them

I don't not enjoy them. I've said a few times that I do enjoy them and their company.

And I feel like I do try to do this to the best of my ability too

Cherishing those children and helping them to become adults is the deepest responsibility you took on

I just find our free time easier and more enjoyable.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 19/09/2019 14:41

I just find our free time easier and more enjoyable.

And that’s fine. You get to switch stepmum mode off and enjoy that free time. You’re not a bad person for that.

Yes you knew about the children when you got with him. That doesn’t mean your whole world now revolves around them.

Ragwort · 19/09/2019 14:46

I think you are just being honest, I genuinely prefer time on my own, I don’t want to be with either my DH or my DS Grin. Nothing wrong with that.

Branleuse · 19/09/2019 14:46

i rather like it when my own kids arent here too. Surely most people enjoy a break?

EssentialHummus · 19/09/2019 14:56

i rather like it when my own kids arent here too.

This! I have a two year old. I love her deeply, we have a great time together. But yesterday I left her with the nanny and went and sat in McDonald's with the paper and I could not have been happier. It doesn't reflect on my love for her as much as my love of Sausage McMuffins.

verticality · 19/09/2019 15:00

YANBU.

I think this is exactly the reason 2 kids to 4 adults is about the perfect ratio. All the adults get some time out of the grind to do adulty things and have a bit of their own lives to themselves.

I don't have kids myself Smile

Rachie1973 · 19/09/2019 15:04

I used to live for the weekends when the kids were gone lol. My last one just moved out and OMG I love it lol. I still see loads of them but I love the peace.

Mrsmadevans · 19/09/2019 15:10

YANBU they sound lovely but they are your STEP children not your own DC and there is a difference. It won't be for much longer Smile

kateandme · 19/09/2019 15:38

im sure my parents feel like that about us! you enjoy different aspects of life and that is ok.so i thin it must be even more so if they arent connected via being their actualy parent.
and im not saying your not but just be super aware that kids spot everything.and towards certain years spot what your not showing! so they will feel every sigh every eye roll and notice every mood you think you arent showing.(its their magic power) so when you think your hiding it.make sure you are doing it better than you think you need to.

PazRaz10 · 19/09/2019 15:41

This sounds perfectly normal and exactly how I feel about my own children - love them, miss them etc but DH and I get on better and look forward to time when we are our own. Not just evenings, when they are in bed, but time apart.
Don't be too hard on yourself.

SophieSong · 19/09/2019 15:42

Yea I would not worry about this too much. I really look forward to my childfree times - they don't happen very often, but when they do I really enjoy them and really enjoy spending time with my fella just us. It's a different vibe when it's just adults.

from123toabc · 19/09/2019 15:46

our DD is biologically mine but not my partners. It has been a steep learning curve. They adore each other immensely but he does need his down time- To be honest so do I. I don't want to be on mum duty 24/7- DD10 rarely see's her biological father so we don't get much break and have busy jobs.

The best thing we did was turn our dining room into a snug. DD has craft and a tv and a nice armchair and access to the garden-. She loves her space and we don't have to watch children's TV. win-win

MysweetAudrina · 19/09/2019 15:47

I sometimes think of separating with dh just so I could have weekends off from my own children.

from123toabc · 19/09/2019 15:49

FWIW the bits i've read so far, you seem like a wonderful supportive step parent. The kids are lucky to have you as is your partner.

It is strange how it's acceptable for biological parents to have a moan about how hard it is and yet we expect step-parents to 'suck it up'

You are doing fab.x

FishCakesFishCakesLovelyLovely · 19/09/2019 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FaFoutis · 19/09/2019 15:56

it may well be the case that your SC secretly prefer it when you're away and they get your DH to themselves

I agree with this, having been the step-child.

Tinapeas · 19/09/2019 15:59

I think there is always a feeling of "relief" when visitors leave, as nice as its been to have them. E.g family Christmases...! I think you feel worse because they're kids and you don't want to seem like a wicked SM! But there must be a feeling of getting back to normal when they've gone, which is prob due to the 50/50 split; if it was permanent you'd get used to it and that would be normal. Lol.

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