AIBU or wicked? I prefer it when step kids aren't with us

[ShhhTheDogIsSleeping]

I appreciate I'm probably going to get a blasting here but...

I realised the other day that I look forward to the days of the week we don't have my step children. DH has 50/50 contact which is 3 days one week and 4 the next.

I feel really awful because I don't dislike the children at all, we get on really well, have a good laugh together etc. But I do get to the end of our days with them and think I can't wait to have our days 'off' now.

They are slightly older now so most evenings are spent staying up till later on watching child appropriate TV or video games. I feel like me and DH just don't really interact as much when they are here and we seem to get on so much better when they aren't. Not that we argue or anything when they are here just that we don't get much chance for adult conversation really.

Its not that I hate it when they are here, I don't, I still have a nice time, we still have fun. I just prefer the days/nights when it's just me and H.

Am I awful? I really don't think I'm a terrible step mother, they are treated so well and I really do think they are great kids but I do feel a pang of guilt whenever they are getting ready to leave and I'm actually looking forward to it.

The other week, Hs ex asked if we could have them for the night at the last minute because of a situation with her and we obviously said that was absolutely fine but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit disappointed for a fleeting moment.

I sound like a right cow don't I! I really don't dislike them, I feel very fondly towards them and I think in comparison to some threads I've read on here, we have a really close relationship, I just... I don't know!

[babycatcher411]

@questioningmyplace
I’d be inclined to say on the whole it’s something you need to accept, and essentially did accept when you chose to get into a relationship with someone with a child. Getting up early is a fairly normal child behaviour, though it wouldn’t go amiss from time to time for your partner to just get straight up with the child and take her downstairs so you can lay in, but I certainly wouldn’t expect that as the normal.

[dudsville]

It's how you feel, so you can't change that, but these children are your family. I had step parents like you. I blamed my parents for bringing them into my life. You are their family, they don't have a choice in that, but you do.

[Peanutbutteryogurt]

Most parents feel like this. I enjoy my time with DD but it's also a mental countdown until bedtime.

[questioningmyplace]

His only response to me is “you knew I had a child when we got together” and my answer back is always “you knew I didn’t”. Feels like there’s no give and take. He does things with his daughter and whether or not it affects me, I have no say. Probably doesn’t help hat he doesn’t want a child with me

[HoppingPavlova]

Welcome to parenting. We have always had ours full time - we are not separated/divorced. We were lucky to have a few days break a year when they went to camp or what not and then never at the same time so always at least one with us. Even now some are ‘grown ip’ they are still with us. I don’t get the concept of time without them being some sort of wonderful, guess it would just be really really odd for DH and I to be together alone in a room. No idea what we would do, probably just stare at each other thinking it was odd.

[90schic]

Lol I feel this way about my own child. Perfectly normal. As long as they don’t know / you don’t let then sense it. Don’t feel bad OP.

[HoppingPavlova]

Most parents feel like this. I enjoy my time with DD but it's also a mental countdown until bedtime.

I am the first to bed in our household, have been for a few years now. Sleep is my escape!

[Elieza]

Why are you the one always thinking about what to cook for dinner? Are you doing too much and dp doesn’t do his share of housework/wife work? If that’s the case no wonder you are fed up and perhaps even worn out! Add that to having to sit in your own home with kids half the week when in normal situations they would be up in their rooms happily enjoying whatever online games with internet pals?

Options are:
another tv in the room. Perhaps in the dining end of the room so you can all be together and they can watch kids stuff while you’re on eastenders or Corrie or whatever you and dp like a couple of yards away (headphones optional) so you’re all together as that’s what he feels is right. (I think that’s probably guilt about him splitting up the family through divorce before he even met you).

Get a hobby or nightschool or take up gym or swimming or anything healthy of an evening. Or join a book club or knitting bee or somesuch. Even meet friends every Tuesday for coffee from 7-9pm or something.

Start an evening business. Like evening dog walking for neighbours, selling stuff on eBay, something internet based?

[Trinkts]

Sounds normal to me.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

@questioningmyplace I would go in the spare room if it was me, as I wouldn't want to be woken up at 6am either but nor would I want to make dsd feel like she can't come to snuggle with her dad. We have a 7am rule for our kids and before that time I take them back to their beds and tuck them back in (not that it works most of the time!) but I think it's different when you're a step mother as you wouldn't want to risk making your dsd feel left rejected or replaced.

[questioningmyplace]

Good suggestion but we have 2 bedrooms so unfortunately not an option. I know that if I were able to that, it would also annoy boyfriend!

[Shooturlocalmethdealer]

Ban all games to their rooms.
They will eventually get used to it.
Living area should be used for family time.
Kids do sense things even if you dont act on how you feel.
Just enjoy the time they are there.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Children are the biggest deal breaker there is @questioningmyplace so if you want one and he doesn’t want one with you you’ve got bigger problems than early wakes up twice a month. Expecting you to give up a chunk of your life and make the compromises necessary for “family life” with someone else’s child while knowing he’s taking away your chance to be a mother yourself is going to ruin the relationship.

[Cremebrule]

I imagine there is more pressure when you’ve got split contact to do full on parenting whereas if you had them all week, you’d probably do your own thing more. I think most people get excited about child free time with their own children so I can’t imagine it’s unusual that you enjoy just being you and your partner.

[Annono]

My ex has a 13yr old son and although he is fine and not alot of trouble - because he is always on the PlayStation and doesn't actually converse with anyone; I prefer it when he isn't around.
I think this comes from the fact that his ex can't wait to get rid of her kids and my partner has his son every weekend and every half term. I feel like we don't have anytime as a couple which I'm desperate for. My partner feels bad for his son, because his mother doesn't do anything with him when she does have him, but I hate this women as she has 3 kids and both fathers have the kids every weekend, allowing her every weekend to spend with her new boyfriend! I have no kids and now only get 1 weekend a month with my partner. I just feel like this isn't fair.
I'm so frustrated. It's half term and without saying anything to me, he's got his son all week.

Am I unreasonable to ask that if he has his son this week for half term that we have the weekend together? I feel like it's a reasonable request but he doesn't.

It's made me very resentful of his son being around as I feel like my partner will have his son as much as possible but doesn't allow that for our relationship too.

[Justwingingmotherhood]

Your only human! I think you would still feel that way even if they were your own kiddies. I live my daughters nursery days. You need to talk to your hubby though and try at least make time for each other whilst they are there xx

[Justwingingmotherhood]

@Annono

My ex has a 13yr old son and although he is fine and not alot of trouble - because he is always on the PlayStation and doesn't actually converse with anyone; I prefer it when he isn't around.
I think this comes from the fact that his ex can't wait to get rid of her kids and my partner has his son every weekend and every half term. I feel like we don't have anytime as a couple which I'm desperate for. My partner feels bad for his son, because his mother doesn't do anything with him when she does have him, but I hate this women as she has 3 kids and both fathers have the kids every weekend, allowing her every weekend to spend with her new boyfriend! I have no kids and now only get 1 weekend a month with my partner. I just feel like this isn't fair.
I'm so frustrated. It's half term and without saying anything to me, he's got his son all week.

Am I unreasonable to ask that if he has his son this week for half term that we have the weekend together? I feel like it's a reasonable request but he doesn't.

It's made me very resentful of his son being around as I feel like my partner will have his son as much as possible but doesn't allow that for our relationship too.

Dont resent his son, it isn't his fault. You definitely need to sort out that arrangement though, that's not fair. Just try not to take it out on the little one, easier said than done. Hes the innocent one x

[Justwingingmotherhood]

@questioningmyplace

My boyfriend has a 7 year old who stays with us for 2 nights every other weekend. I don’t have any kids. When she stays, he thinks it’s ok for her to get into our bed and have full volume conversations with her - this is any time from 6am. Is he selfish for not considering me, that she isn’t mine or should I put up with being woken up? We both work full time so weekends are our only chance at chilling and having a lay in. Any help appreciated.

You sound jealous. You sound the selfish one. You new he had a kid before you got into the relationship. 4 times a month she gets into bed with her dad for a chat and time together, seriously dont be so petty.

[Halliehallie9828]

I feel the same OP. Prefer it when my step daughter isn’t here

[ghostmous3]

Yanbu.
Crikey I feel the same when my own kids go to thier dads every other weekend and it's just me and dp

[Newmumatlast]

@ShhhTheDogIsSleeping

I appreciate I'm probably going to get a blasting here but...

I realised the other day that I look forward to the days of the week we don't have my step children. DH has 50/50 contact which is 3 days one week and 4 the next.

I feel really awful because I don't dislike the children at all, we get on really well, have a good laugh together etc. But I do get to the end of our days with them and think I can't wait to have our days 'off' now.

They are slightly older now so most evenings are spent staying up till later on watching child appropriate TV or video games. I feel like me and DH just don't really interact as much when they are here and we seem to get on so much better when they aren't. Not that we argue or anything when they are here just that we don't get much chance for adult conversation really.

Its not that I hate it when they are here, I don't, I still have a nice time, we still have fun. I just prefer the days/nights when it's just me and H.

Am I awful? I really don't think I'm a terrible step mother, they are treated so well and I really do think they are great kids but I do feel a pang of guilt whenever they are getting ready to leave and I'm actually looking forward to it.

The other week, Hs ex asked if we could have them for the night at the last minute because of a situation with her and we obviously said that was absolutely fine but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit disappointed for a fleeting moment.

I sound like a right cow don't I! I really don't dislike them, I feel very fondly towards them and I think in comparison to some threads I've read on here, we have a really close relationship, I just... I don't know!

It is absolutely fine to feel this way. I have felt the same. As long as you never say it to them it's fine!

[anon2334]

I love my children and get a bit anxious when they go to their dads weekends as it’s still so new. Can’t say I don’t mind the Saturday morning lie in now lol. By Sunday I’m ready for them to come back but it’s not wicked or horrible to need that break. It’s normal, all parents need that mental break. You sound like a good step parent as as you say you love them there, have laughs and clearly they feel the same just like your days with DP alone.

[AibuTellMe]

Yanbu op. I've been decorating and know mine will come and touch all my brand new spotless stuff and I'm slightly on edge about it. First world problems i know.

[Mbhatescf123]

Nothing wrong with looking forward to time alone with your partner especially because there’s a noticeable difference in the relationship between you when the kids are there and the fact that you are asking if you are wrong to feel this way shows that you care. The kids won’t notice at all and they will be hopefully excited to go home and see their mother and I would bet that their own dad is glad of the time alone with you two when they are safe and happy with their mother. People on here tend to place a lot of emphasis on the feelings of the children and many believe that they will feel so unwanted and heartbroken at the merest hint that their stepparent enjoys time alone with their partner as well as tome together with them but these kids in 50:50 equal parent care will be the focus of both families 100 percent of the time they are with the respective parent and won’t have all the angst that people are determined to attribute to them!!!! Lol xxx