AIBU or wicked? I prefer it when step kids aren't with us

[ShhhTheDogIsSleeping]

I appreciate I'm probably going to get a blasting here but...

I realised the other day that I look forward to the days of the week we don't have my step children. DH has 50/50 contact which is 3 days one week and 4 the next.

I feel really awful because I don't dislike the children at all, we get on really well, have a good laugh together etc. But I do get to the end of our days with them and think I can't wait to have our days 'off' now.

They are slightly older now so most evenings are spent staying up till later on watching child appropriate TV or video games. I feel like me and DH just don't really interact as much when they are here and we seem to get on so much better when they aren't. Not that we argue or anything when they are here just that we don't get much chance for adult conversation really.

Its not that I hate it when they are here, I don't, I still have a nice time, we still have fun. I just prefer the days/nights when it's just me and H.

Am I awful? I really don't think I'm a terrible step mother, they are treated so well and I really do think they are great kids but I do feel a pang of guilt whenever they are getting ready to leave and I'm actually looking forward to it.

The other week, Hs ex asked if we could have them for the night at the last minute because of a situation with her and we obviously said that was absolutely fine but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit disappointed for a fleeting moment.

I sound like a right cow don't I! I really don't dislike them, I feel very fondly towards them and I think in comparison to some threads I've read on here, we have a really close relationship, I just... I don't know!

[ShhhTheDogIsSleeping]

He’s a father first and a partner second

Yes I'm aware.

[Anonanonanonanonanonanonanon]

I feel like this about the rare days I get away from my own kids.

[EmeraldShamrock]

Yanbu. If I had a 3 to 4 day weekly off from my DC when I knew the DC were safe, I'd be doing cartwheels naked in the garden.
We rarely get any quality time as a couple with them here FT. I am looking forward to the dark nights and early bedtimes.

[chickenyhead]

I have single friends who feel this way about their own children going to their dads. I don't think it's an indication that you are a bad person. Just a real one.

[UncomfortableTruth]

Suck it up buttercup. He’s a father first and a partner second

Knew it wouldn't take long...

What has that got to do with anything the OP has written? She's not asking her H to spend less time with his kids so he can spend more with her. She's not asking him to put her first and his kids second.

She's just expressing very normal, real and common feelings about enjoying the time she has alone with her husband. Parents and step parents alike feel the same I'm sure.

[bombomboobah]

I think you're just being honest and realistic and I agree that the true blended family is a very rare thing

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

Sounds completely normal to me OP. My exh has our dc eow and half the holidays. I'd by lying if I said I didn't look forward to my child free time.

[Chewbecca]

They’re going to continue getting older... and you’ll see less and less of them.

My DSC are 30 now and I enjoy them more than I ever have .

Stick it out, don’t let them see/know, safe in the knowledge that this phase will pass.

[chickenyhead]

I adore my DC but yes, when they went back to school and I could use the toilet in relative peace, it was a huge relief

[dollydaydream114]

YANBU at all. They aren't your children and there is no real reason why you should automatically prefer being in their company to being alone with your partner. You fell in love with your partner, not the kids.

As others have said, provided this doesn't affect the way you treat them - and it clearly doesn't as you actually sound like a great step-mum - this is totally fine and normal and I suspect that more step-parents feel this way than not, even if they'd never admit it.

My ex had a 12-year-old son and I was very fond of him. In fact, I made far more of an effort to do nice things with him and spend quality time with him than my ex did, and it was me who encouraged my ex to see a lot more of him because I thought he was being a pretty useless dad. But I didn't actively look forward to having him stay with us and was generally quite relieved at the end of half term or whatever when he went back home. No reflection on him at all; he was a lovely boy, sweet and easy-going and not difficult to look after at all. We got on really well, shared a sense of humour etc. But ultimately I was not his mother (or anyone's mother) and I wouldn't actively have chosen to spend a full week with anyone's child at all.

[Shmithecat2]

You're not wicked or a cow. Goodness, I look forward to time off from my own ds! Other peoples kids are hard work, regardless of how great they are. YANBU.

[AllStarBySmashMouth]

I don't think there's anything wrong with that honestly. I love my DP but sometimes I look forward to the days he works evenings because I get the TV to myself

As long as you don't radiate disdain when they are around, you are allowed to look forward to your me-time.

[Lefields]

God, honestly some of the replies on here, martyrdom at its finest

OP, I’d feel exactly the same as you. They’re not your children at the end of the day and it’s perfectly normal to look forward to having your house/ routine/ DP back.

I think when they’re there (particularly on the 4 day stay) I’d try and use the opportunity to catch up with friends for a night or 2. If there dad wants to spend every min watching children’s tv then obviously that’s up to him, but it doesn’t mean you have to.

You can have a good relationship with without all being in each other’s pockets 24/7.

It’s this reason though that I’m honestly not sure whether I could date someone with young/ish children.

[ShhhTheDogIsSleeping]

Okay thank you very much for the replies, I don't feel quite so evil now!

H tells me how much he misses them and can't wait for them to come stay and I just feel really awful that I don't feel the same. I do miss them to a certain degree but I wouldn't be upset, like H would if contact didn't happen one week for whatever reason, not that that happens but just as an example.

[HennyPennyHorror]

How old are they? I don't always want to sit with my own kids! Mine are young teens. Do you all have to spend every evening together?

[Amber2019]

I enjoy days "off" from my own children, I certainly miss them when they are at their grandparents and I look forward to them being home but I love my own time too.

[pinkyredrose]

If they're 50/50 then they have 2 households, your place is thier home. Why in earth do you meet to sit watching kids tv etc, just do your own thing n let them do thiers.

[ShhhTheDogIsSleeping]

They are 10 and 7 so not teens but not super young kids either.

We don't have to spend every evening together but I know H feels guilty like he should be spending those days with the kids so will sit with them whilst they are doing whatever.

[Chocolate1984]

I know a lot of divorced parents who look forward to the days their child is with their other parent. I don't think there is anything wrong enjoying child free time.

[SomewhereInbetween1]

At 10 and 7 I really don't think you should be upstairs leaving them to it. They're still young children and he and you absolutely should be interacting with them.

[ShhhTheDogIsSleeping]

We went on holiday as a gang earlier this year and he even said to me one day “I miss you! I know we’ve spent every day together but I don’t feel like I get to talk to you”

I get this completely. It feels like me and H hardly interact on contact days so I do in a way prefer our relationship when it's just us because we talk more and just interact more together but I know that's just reality!

[NamedyChangedy]

Not unreasonable at all, and perfectly natural!

[ShhhTheDogIsSleeping]

They're still young children and he and you absolutely should be interacting with them

We do, this is why I said we spend most evenings downstairs with them, watching child appropriate TV or whilst they play games etc...

[RachJx]

I'm step mum to a 6 year old and I feel exactly the same. You're not alone.

It's awkward trying not to show your disappointment in front of your DH as well... totally get you

[ShhhTheDogIsSleeping]

I try to play boardgames and stuff with them sometimes to get us all involved in something together but they are quite 'screen' orientated which is a bug bear of mine and whilst I have tried to have gentle words with H about it, it isn't ultimately my place to manage I don't feel.