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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he???

103 replies

GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 12:01

Not sure whether to post this to Dog topics or AIBU!

I have owned my lovely little dog for 8 years now, when I lived with my parents he always had the run of the whole house, he slept on my bed, was allowed where he wanted and has always been a happy little thing. A few years ago I moved from my parents to my partners, he has always grown up with the rule that dogs should never be allowed upstairs at all and they sleep in crates etc. Now he has only ever owned working dogs and lived on a farm, which is understandable if a dog is dirty or wet from being outside on a farm etc then you may not want them all over your bed. Before moving he told me that my beautiful little dog wouldnt be allowed upstairs, but as everything was exciting moving house I just accepted it and thought I would be able to deal with it! Since moving I am constantly feeling guilty with my dog being stuck downstairs behind a stair gate whilst I leave him to shower/go to bed/housework etc. It has got so bad to the point where I will get ready for work, dry my hair, shower and do everything you would normally do upstairs, downstairs! He is like my shadow and has always been near me since a pup so whilst I am upstairs he sits at the bottom whining and stares up until I come back downstairs again. I have tried to reason with partner and asked if he could be allowed upstairs but not in the bedroom as it would make both me and the dog happy. The answer is a flat out no. It really has affects on my mood as I am feeling so guilty that my poor boy only really stays in one room day and night which is not what he is used to at all. He obviously has the run of downstairs but he prefers the living room sofa so that is where he is mostly! Am I the one being unreasonable or is he the one being unreasonable for not even compromising?

I must add he gets washed and groomed regularly and he is very much a fair weather dog so he hates getting wet in the rain, hates mud, hates water and is overall a very clean dog!!! So there really is no reason why he can't go upstairs... any suggestions on what else I can do to persuade partner to let him upstairs?!

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 19/09/2019 12:08

Neither of you are really being unreasonable. You have different expectations. The issue is your partner was clear and you thought it would be OK but you don't like it. It's not fair to expect your partner to change their stance (am sure it is not about how clean your dog is). So you either accept it or talk to your partner as see if there is a compromise, like no dog upstairs at night but OK during day as long as not on bed..

Original poster
GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 12:17

The way I see it is it makes no difference to him where the dog goes, but it really does make a big difference to me with this guilt. That's a good idea about being allowed in the day but not when we're sleeping. I will try that, thank you

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 19/09/2019 12:20

YABU don’t put a dog above your partner

Thehop · 19/09/2019 12:23

My dogs aren’t allowed upstairs, but of yours always has then I understand your point.

I guess you need to choose.

SplintersOnTheFence · 19/09/2019 12:24

YABU.

Mummyshark2018 · 19/09/2019 12:25

Neither of you are unreasonable however you probably should've given the dog more thought before moving in with dp. Your dog has been used to being with you a lot and now isn't. Have you seen any behaviours changes in your dog? If not then that's positive and perhaps he hasn't been too impacted. My dog sleeps at the bottom of my bed and there's no way I would let a man stop the dog from doing that. It would be a non-negotiable and I'm sure it would come up in conversation pretty early on in a relationship.

It depends how much this really bothers you?

Merryoldgoat · 19/09/2019 12:26

I don't think either of you are at fault but I think you were a little bit short-sighted to not think of this before moving in as it was obviously discussed.

FWIW I wouldn't even have a partner with a dog as I really dislike them. However, I would not countenance a partner who wouldn't accept my cat having free run of the place.

It's a hard one.

BlueJava · 19/09/2019 12:26

It seems an impasse - how is your DP in other ways? Is he loving, affectionate and caring? Or are there other things that could help you decide what to do?

user1497787065 · 19/09/2019 12:27

Dump him! The love from your dog is more important and unconditional.

HellonHeels · 19/09/2019 12:28

I'd be moving out again. You are not compatible and I'd put my dog first (I dont have a dog, I have cats but same principle applies).

TheMustressMhor · 19/09/2019 12:30

I don't understand why you didn't think of this before you moved in with him.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 19/09/2019 12:31

YANBU I certainly would put a dog before a man! Your dog is used to being with you and doesn't understand why that is now not the case.

Really more thought about this issue should have happened before you moved in but since you are there now what would happen if you insisted your dog can come upstairs? Are there other things you are not allowed to do in the house? Does it really feel that dp makes all the choices? The lack of compromise by your dp would be a deal breaker for me when your relationship with your dog is long standing and this is upsetting for you (as well as your dog!).

Original poster
GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 12:32

Of course I am not putting him above my partner, but when it has an effect on my moods I feel like something needs to be done to stop me constantly feeling sad about it

OP posts:
Henhophouse · 19/09/2019 12:34

So you moved in with a man who laid down a law that you aren’t happy with, and now your dog is suffering for it. Your dog doesn’t understand that your partner is an arse and you can’t explain it to him, so maybe you should tell your DP to get stuffed, or move out.

Honestly what is wrong with people.

Henhophouse · 19/09/2019 12:34

Maybe you should put him above your partner, he was there first. Get a backbone.

Original poster
GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 12:36

@mummyshark2018 It bothers me alot, as I said to the point I never spend time upstairs anymore and do everything I can downstairs! Every day I feel this guilt, to be honest it hasn't affected my dog too much, he is still his happy self but he must care as he sits at the bottom waiting and whining! I still find myself wishing he could come up with me and always saying sorry to him (if only dogs could hear!) I didnt think it would bother me as much as it has

OP posts:
183fredamarleymum · 19/09/2019 12:41

As a proud owner of a chocolate Labour who has the run of our house but not the bathroom, if I was in your position I would move out. Your partner sounds a bit controlling and let's be honest you are unhappy with the situation. Your dog has been with you for 8 years and is your world. Just my own honest opinion.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 19/09/2019 12:42

Have you said this to your partner? Maybe, (grasping at straws!) he doesn't understand how much it means to you?

I would be sitting him down and explaining how it is affecting you and that your dog needs to be able to come upstairs. His reaction would tell me all I needed to know!

Mummyshark2018 · 19/09/2019 12:43

Then I personally would leave the person. If he's willing to let you walk away then it's not the right person. This guilt is unlikely to go away soon and your dog was there first.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/09/2019 12:44

Your DP made you aware that he wouldn't accept the dog being upstairs. You agreed with that at the time and moved in anyway. So, in DP's eyes you were on board with that. Now you're not. If no one is willing to back down, then moving out seems the only way forward.

Original poster
GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 12:49

Yes maybe that should be the way, to just insist. My dog is my life! To be honest he has come upstairs a few times if I've left the gate open and all he does is lie at the top of the stairs in the hallway whilst I potter around upstairs, he doesn't even try to jump on the bed or anything like that. As long as he is near me that's all that matters to him. I do need to grow some balls really but i just don't want the arguments and which will come with it! Was just looking for other reasons or suggestions to help come to a compromise...

OP posts:
123space · 19/09/2019 12:55

I wouldn't live in a situation where I thought my dog wasn't happy. Clearly your partner doesn't really see it as your house as well, he's not willing to listen to you at all.

Nanny0gg · 19/09/2019 12:58

Don't have an argument. Just tell him that's how it's going to be.

You respect his rules 're furniture. He respects yours 're being close

Juells · 19/09/2019 13:01

The YABU posters obviously don't have dogs that have the run of the house. Not sure I'd stay with someone who controlled my interaction with my dogs.

Windydaysuponus · 19/09/2019 13:03

Rehome him.

The bf.
Bet he goes to bed with sweaty feet and poo crumbs.
Poor ddog has had his life turned upside down.
Upstairs but not in the bedroom at night is fair imo.
Our 4 ddogs sleep in the kitchen but like nothing better than just being anywhere I am. Chilling in my bedroom is their fav place!

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