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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he???

103 replies

GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 12:01

Not sure whether to post this to Dog topics or AIBU!

I have owned my lovely little dog for 8 years now, when I lived with my parents he always had the run of the whole house, he slept on my bed, was allowed where he wanted and has always been a happy little thing. A few years ago I moved from my parents to my partners, he has always grown up with the rule that dogs should never be allowed upstairs at all and they sleep in crates etc. Now he has only ever owned working dogs and lived on a farm, which is understandable if a dog is dirty or wet from being outside on a farm etc then you may not want them all over your bed. Before moving he told me that my beautiful little dog wouldnt be allowed upstairs, but as everything was exciting moving house I just accepted it and thought I would be able to deal with it! Since moving I am constantly feeling guilty with my dog being stuck downstairs behind a stair gate whilst I leave him to shower/go to bed/housework etc. It has got so bad to the point where I will get ready for work, dry my hair, shower and do everything you would normally do upstairs, downstairs! He is like my shadow and has always been near me since a pup so whilst I am upstairs he sits at the bottom whining and stares up until I come back downstairs again. I have tried to reason with partner and asked if he could be allowed upstairs but not in the bedroom as it would make both me and the dog happy. The answer is a flat out no. It really has affects on my mood as I am feeling so guilty that my poor boy only really stays in one room day and night which is not what he is used to at all. He obviously has the run of downstairs but he prefers the living room sofa so that is where he is mostly! Am I the one being unreasonable or is he the one being unreasonable for not even compromising?

I must add he gets washed and groomed regularly and he is very much a fair weather dog so he hates getting wet in the rain, hates mud, hates water and is overall a very clean dog!!! So there really is no reason why he can't go upstairs... any suggestions on what else I can do to persuade partner to let him upstairs?!

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 19/09/2019 13:11

I presume it's your dp home you moved into? But it does feel like it's 'his house, his rules scenario. It might be your home now, but by the sounds of things it'll never be 'yours'. What would happen if you chose to buy a house together? Does he get to make the rules then too?

Neither if you Abu, as he did set his stall out to start with. I'm a dog owner so would struggle with this type of rule.

Original poster
GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 13:13

@Nannyogg I have no intention of arguing, I would love it to be straight forward but I know what he is like, he will try insisting no, and I will try to give reasons why this is what I want, it will go on and on and turn into a horrible argument! I need to stand my ground

OP posts:
Original poster
GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 13:16

@thegoodenoughwife I have mentioned it a few times but he wont have any of it. I need to explain how it makes me feel again, maybe he thinks it doesn't bother me anymore as I have just kept quiet and got on with it!

OP posts:
Original poster
GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 13:17

@whoknewbeefstew Yes it was his house. The house is actually on the market now which is why I am wondering what will happen when we move! It needs to be sorted before then. Yes at the moment he sees it as his house, his rules!!

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 19/09/2019 13:19

Personally, I felt my ddog was like another child - I loved her, took care of her, fed her, took her to the vet etc.
On here, MNers are always saying to put your child before a partner. To me that would also include my ddog.

Bluetrews25 · 19/09/2019 13:20

So maybe the next house can be the dog house.

Bodear · 19/09/2019 13:21

You say it hasn’t affected your dog much but it clearly has! He waits at the bottom of the stairs whining for you.
You also only want to change the situation because it makes you feel bad, not because of how your dog feels. I don’t think you’re very nice to your dog tbh.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 19/09/2019 13:22

If you are moving then this is an idea time to renegotiate the arrangement. I'd sit him down and have a proper chat with him. I do understand that he may not want the dog on the bed, but could you put a signed in the bedroom or maybe on the landing in the new house. If it's an equal partnership in the new house, you have as much right to make rules and compromise as he does

WhoKnewBeefStew · 19/09/2019 13:23

Dog bed not signed Hmm

DontCallMeShitley · 19/09/2019 13:27

I couldn't live with someone that was like this. Pets are loyal and honest, they don't lie or piss you about, they have short lives and deserve to be loved.

People, on the other hand are often controlling, selfish, dishonest, and cruel, not to mention a lot of other things.

It is your choice, and I would be out of there, with dog.

Original poster
GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 13:27

@Bodear if you don't have anything nice to say please don't bother posting. My dog is my world and yes he is like a child. He has always been so spoilt and I give him more attention than DP. Yes I made the mistake by moving here and not thinking it would affect me in this way but it is done now. If I 'wasnt very nice' to my dog I wouldn't care and this post would not exist

OP posts:
Funnyface1 · 19/09/2019 13:30

Yabu

Lazypuppy · 19/09/2019 13:30

I'd put my dog over my partner.

Its your house as well why is he dictating?

Ohbuggerlugs · 19/09/2019 13:32

I think OP I would not have moved in with him if he wouldn’t allow it. I personally could not be with someone who doesn’t love dogs. It would really turn me off them. They have to love dogs as I do. Luckily my partner does. And it would have been a big fat fuck off from me. I do not like nor trust people who do not/would not treat a dog as they would their family. But, saying that, he set out rules and you accepted them... And it isn’t fair on your baby.

Areyoufree · 19/09/2019 13:38

Neither of you are really being unreasonable. You have different expectations.

Yup. I would be very against allowing a dog upstairs too. Doesn't make me right and you wrong - just different ideas.

FrangipaniBlue · 19/09/2019 13:38

We have our stair gate on the upstairs landing, that way my shadow dog can still come upstairs and happily lay there watching me doing housework/listening to me talk to him while I get dressed etc but he can't actually get into the bedrooms.

If your DP told you what he expected before you moved in to his house YABU to assume he 'didn't really mean it' and you'd be able to get round him once you moved in.

But you need to sort it out before you buy a new house together, if its going to be both house then its both your rules and in that situation, DP would be told to get stuffed and doggo was coming upstairs!

GabsAlot · 19/09/2019 13:38

This was a few years ago u said u moved in why is it now only an issue if youve been diung the same thing for years already

dollydaydream114 · 19/09/2019 13:39

What harm, exactly, does your partner think your dog can do upstairs that he can't do downstairs? It's not like your dog will suddenly become doubly unhygienic the moment he sets a paw on the bloody staircase. He's being ridiculous.

I can understand that he doesn't want the dog to sleep on your bed, but other than that, I can't really see what his issue is with the dog coming upstairs to be with you, other than that he wants to enforce an arbitrary rule for the sake of bossing a tiny dog around. What a dickhead.

How is he with the dog otherwise? I once dumped a man because of the way he behaved around my dog, so I don't believe for one minute that you should always put your partner before your dog when your partner is the one being a twat.

LannieDuck · 19/09/2019 13:42

He's dictating because you both agreed this rule before you moved in!

It was important enough to him to raise and discuss it beforehand. You, on the other hand, didn't think it was important and assumed he didn't really mean it anyway.... well, it turns out it was important (to you as well as to him!), and he did mean it.

I would be really pissed off if you tried to 'insist' on the opposite now.

Unknownanon · 19/09/2019 13:44

Neither of you are unreasonable for having different wants with the dog.

Yabu to agree and want him to change his mind though. It sounds like this is his dealbreaker, he voiced it and you agreed. You should have challenged.

Yanbu and need to talk about what happens in the new place. If this is a dealbreaker for you both then you'll need to go seperate way and not sell his place.

Booboostwo · 19/09/2019 13:47

Dogs can be perfectly happy living in part of the house but I think it can be a bit unfair to change the rules on them halfway through their lives.

Your DP is also being a bit odd. He may have some personal preferences regarding dogs but you also live there and this is something you should have sorted out before you moved in. It's quite odd that he thinks it's his house, his rules when you live together.

123space · 19/09/2019 13:48

Op agreed but is finding that it doesn't work and would like to compromise. It's okay to change your mind about something and look for solutions. Life is flexible.

Original poster
GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 13:53

@Gabsalot it has always been an issue, but I have chosen now to ask Mumsnetters. I am thinking about moving forward and into the new house which is why I am asking for advice

OP posts:
Juells · 19/09/2019 13:56

Ha ha I'd vacate the upper storey altogether, and have a bedroom and bathroom downstairs.

Original poster
GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 14:00

@123space - Thank you, exactly this. Maybe time to have the chat with him and come to some sort of half way agreement! Either that or he deals with a moody sad girlfriend for the rest of his life!

OP posts:
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