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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he???

103 replies

GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 12:01

Not sure whether to post this to Dog topics or AIBU!

I have owned my lovely little dog for 8 years now, when I lived with my parents he always had the run of the whole house, he slept on my bed, was allowed where he wanted and has always been a happy little thing. A few years ago I moved from my parents to my partners, he has always grown up with the rule that dogs should never be allowed upstairs at all and they sleep in crates etc. Now he has only ever owned working dogs and lived on a farm, which is understandable if a dog is dirty or wet from being outside on a farm etc then you may not want them all over your bed. Before moving he told me that my beautiful little dog wouldnt be allowed upstairs, but as everything was exciting moving house I just accepted it and thought I would be able to deal with it! Since moving I am constantly feeling guilty with my dog being stuck downstairs behind a stair gate whilst I leave him to shower/go to bed/housework etc. It has got so bad to the point where I will get ready for work, dry my hair, shower and do everything you would normally do upstairs, downstairs! He is like my shadow and has always been near me since a pup so whilst I am upstairs he sits at the bottom whining and stares up until I come back downstairs again. I have tried to reason with partner and asked if he could be allowed upstairs but not in the bedroom as it would make both me and the dog happy. The answer is a flat out no. It really has affects on my mood as I am feeling so guilty that my poor boy only really stays in one room day and night which is not what he is used to at all. He obviously has the run of downstairs but he prefers the living room sofa so that is where he is mostly! Am I the one being unreasonable or is he the one being unreasonable for not even compromising?

I must add he gets washed and groomed regularly and he is very much a fair weather dog so he hates getting wet in the rain, hates mud, hates water and is overall a very clean dog!!! So there really is no reason why he can't go upstairs... any suggestions on what else I can do to persuade partner to let him upstairs?!

OP posts:
Original poster
GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 15:56

@ivegotnothing Yes I may need to think about that if we can't come to an agreement. I know for a fact it will make our relationship better as I won't be so miserable about the dog all the time!

OP posts:
Original poster
GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 15:58

@widdlindiddlin Yes that would be his exact reason 'it isnt how I grew up with dogs', he hasn't really ever told me a proper reason why it would be a problem. If my dog chewed furniture or weed on the carpets I would understand but all he wants is to be with me at all times

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 19/09/2019 15:59

I really think this is all a bit dodgy.

The fact that he used the 'my house, my rules' and that you are going to put yourself in a very precarious position housing wise I really would be making plans to leave.

He doesn't care about your dog and your feelings and doesn't care that you be paying towards HIS house without any claim on it yourself, especially any input to the house rules. Because that is what you will be doing - on some promise or agreement that at some point in the future you will be on the deeds and mortgage. I really wouldn't trust him.

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/09/2019 16:02

I would be concerned there are other things that he grew up doing a certain way, that he refuses to compromise on as well.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him, this is the tip of the iceberg and if you can't have a talk with him, or he can't have a rational conversation about it... thats an even bigger red flag tbh.

saraclara · 19/09/2019 16:03

You missed your chance to advocate for you and your dog. You can't really change your mind after saying it was okay. And I don't fancy your chances with the new house either.

Your guilt feelings seem to be way out of proportion though, and I think it's that you have to work on. Your dog isn't feeling it anywhere near as much as you are. This seems to be at the forefront of your thinking the whole time, and you need to work on that.

I hope your contribution to the next house is being legally ring fenced, by the way. It needs to be set down somewhere in case this relationship doesn't last.

Original poster
GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 16:05

@thegoodenoughwife Please can you try and PM me re mortgage and deeds? Not sure how to do it on here

OP posts:
queenMab99 · 19/09/2019 16:10

I think you could train your dog to be happy downstairs, when you go upstairs, give him a Kong stuffed with something tasty. He will settle into a routine of you ignore the whining.
My own dog sleeps with me now, but I am older and on my own, when I was younger and in a relationship our previous dog was not allowed to sleep with us as he got in the way! I think that if you are just getting together the dog would put a dampener on bedroom activities!

PettyContractor · 19/09/2019 16:14

A lot of people advocating choosing the dog over the partner. I wonder if they would be happy to have a partner that thought they were less important than his dog.

queenMab99 · 19/09/2019 16:15

Also, my first husband had tropical fish I a tank in our bedroom, I always felt that they were watching us, may be your partner feels that the dog would watch............and judge his performance Grin

Original poster
GinLemonade · 19/09/2019 16:19

@Queenmab99 Hahaha, no I am fine with the dog not being allowed in the bedroom. That I can deal with, just not shutting him downstairs all day and night, plus stairgates aren't a pretty sight, and it squeaks!

OP posts:
sonjadog · 19/09/2019 16:27

I think it is fair enough that he set the rules as you were moving into his house. But the big thing for me would be what happens now that you are moving into a house that is going to be "yours". In your house, you should have an equal say in what happens and it shouldn't be that his way is law. If you notice that he thinks that way, I would spend some time considering if that is really how you want to live your life.

I would also wonder a bit about someone who sees a dog being unhappy (whining at the bottom of the stairs shows he is unhappy with this) and does nothing about it. Your dog grew up with one rule and for no reason he understand is now not allowed to do what he is used to. That is difficult for a dog to tackle. I have a no dog on the beds and sofas rule in my house. My own dogs grow up with it and they are fine, but visiting dogs sometimes do get on the sofa/bed because that is what is their norm. I would wonder a bit about someone who put an arbitrary rule in front of my dog´s happiness tbh.

DriftingLeaves · 19/09/2019 16:32

YABVVVVVVVVVU and childish.

And ridiculous. It's a dog. FFS.

Windydaysuponus · 19/09/2019 16:34

My exh used my ddog as a way to bully and control me.
Power tripping.
Exh...

AdobeWanKenobi · 19/09/2019 16:43

YANBU
That aside I'm concerned about what you're getting into with the new property. You need proper legal advice.
If you're paying half towards it you have as much right to a say as he does.

If my DH knew I was this upset over something he'd be trying to reach a compromise with me. Your DH knows how much this upsets you but is still insistent? That is a concern.

Think long and hard OP, this runs much deeper than your little dog.

pumkinspicetime · 19/09/2019 17:15

Our dog isn't allowed upstairs, it works fine because DH and I agree.
Your issue is that you said you would agree to DP's rules but you don't really want to. Neither of you are wrong but you need to find a compromise.

Paying for a house that you aren't on the deeds for is a bigger issue though. You are leaving yourself very vulnerable, go and talk to a solicitor about this.

Waveysnail · 19/09/2019 17:19

Nope I couldn't have a dog upstairs. Utterly grim.

chamenanged · 19/09/2019 17:40

I think it's really unfair of you to now paint him as the bad guy when you agreed the dog wouldn't go upstairs before you moved in. It's not like there's a clear cut right and wrong between dogs being allowed or not allowed upstairs - as you can see, some people are okay with it and some aren't. But one person here communicated their stance clearly and the other person agreed with their fingers crossed behind their back. How is that his fault?

isadoradancing123 · 19/09/2019 17:48

Your little dog sounds lovely, i would just let him upstairs, stuff d p

SunshineAngel · 19/09/2019 17:58

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. But. You moved into HIS house, and accepted his terms, which he is absolutely able to set in his own house.

Have you spoken to him properly about how it makes you feel? If not, you need to. Perhaps you can come to a compromise, maybe that your dog can at least be with you in the day, and then sleep downstairs. Tbh, I love dogs, but I wouldn't want it sleeping on my bed, for example. If it would sleep in its own bed in my room, I would prefer that.

Ringdonna · 19/09/2019 18:06

Can’t understand people who put animals above people.

Writersblock2 · 19/09/2019 18:27

Ignore the idiots who don’t understand a bond between a human and a dog. HI ole I don’t expect everyone to like animals, I do expect people to understand that not everyone works the same way as them. There’s a long history of the bond between humans and dogs so I do think people who can’t comprehend the possibility of a strong bond a little simple-minded.

I had my dog before I met my DH: it was a deal breaker for me that my future partner would accept and love my dog. Otherwise it wouldn’t have been the right person, period. Thankfully my dog has my DH wrapped around his little paw.

Unfortunately what’s done is done in your case but I certainly wouldn’t be continuing the relationship - where your line in the sand is, well, entirely up to you. What if your partner remains firm on this? (Which I think I’d also well within his rights - he was upfront about it).

Writersblock2 · 19/09/2019 18:28

While i*

Crazyladee · 19/09/2019 19:15

Echo ignoring the posters who don't understand the bond with your dog. OP, Do you think your DP could secretly harbour a bit of jealousy towards your dog and the bond you have with your dog? So in his mind, he is putting boundaries in place and controlling your time with your dog? How does he react with your dog when your dog is downstairs and all other times?
The way you write about your dog is how I would describe my feelings to my dogs so I fully understand. How about a compromise that your dog is allowed upstairs but not on the bed. You could put his/her bed next to yours.

pumkinspicetime · 19/09/2019 19:22

I don't think ignoring people who don't think the same way as you OP is good advice. Your DP doesn't think the same way as you and you both have to come to some sort of agreement.
Maybe by listening the posters who don't agree with you it will be possible to identify compromises.

HellonHeels · 19/09/2019 20:12

Please get some proper legal advice before you go ahead with this house purchase! From a different solicitor, not the one involved with the house purchase.

If you're paying into the house but you are not on the deeds, you will be vulnerable. You would be better off moving back with your parents, enjoying your DDog, repairing your credit record and saving for a deposit and mortgage in your own name.

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