AIBU or is he???

[GinLemonade]

Not sure whether to post this to Dog topics or AIBU!

I have owned my lovely little dog for 8 years now, when I lived with my parents he always had the run of the whole house, he slept on my bed, was allowed where he wanted and has always been a happy little thing. A few years ago I moved from my parents to my partners, he has always grown up with the rule that dogs should never be allowed upstairs at all and they sleep in crates etc. Now he has only ever owned working dogs and lived on a farm, which is understandable if a dog is dirty or wet from being outside on a farm etc then you may not want them all over your bed. Before moving he told me that my beautiful little dog wouldnt be allowed upstairs, but as everything was exciting moving house I just accepted it and thought I would be able to deal with it! Since moving I am constantly feeling guilty with my dog being stuck downstairs behind a stair gate whilst I leave him to shower/go to bed/housework etc. It has got so bad to the point where I will get ready for work, dry my hair, shower and do everything you would normally do upstairs, downstairs! He is like my shadow and has always been near me since a pup so whilst I am upstairs he sits at the bottom whining and stares up until I come back downstairs again. I have tried to reason with partner and asked if he could be allowed upstairs but not in the bedroom as it would make both me and the dog happy. The answer is a flat out no. It really has affects on my mood as I am feeling so guilty that my poor boy only really stays in one room day and night which is not what he is used to at all. He obviously has the run of downstairs but he prefers the living room sofa so that is where he is mostly! Am I the one being unreasonable or is he the one being unreasonable for not even compromising?

I must add he gets washed and groomed regularly and he is very much a fair weather dog so he hates getting wet in the rain, hates mud, hates water and is overall a very clean dog!!! So there really is no reason why he can't go upstairs... any suggestions on what else I can do to persuade partner to let him upstairs?!

@123space - Thank you, exactly this. Maybe time to have the chat with him and come to some sort of half way agreement! Either that or he deals with a moody sad girlfriend for the rest of his life!

In the nicest possible way I think you are worrying far too much. I adopted my little dog when I was a teen. When we married (he had a dog as well) and moved into our own home the rule was that both dogs got on the floor when we settled down at night. They were both happy to get on the floor but every morning we would wake up and the dog would be in my arms/at my feet.

We carried on that way for a few years but as soon as I found I was pregnant I decided it was time to move him from the bedroom.

It was really hard for me but he was absolutely fine. We put a gate at the bottom of the stairs and they never came into the bedrooms again. He was still my little shadow. If I dozed on the sofa I would wake up with him in my arms.

The bond between us stayed as strong as ever but I was more relaxed with the baby without him in the bedroom.

30+ years later husband and I both have dogs still. And his sleeps on the bedroom floor and mine is by my side!

@Ithinkisawahairbrushbackthere - Aww that is lovely, me and my dog have the same bond! He always has to be touching or leaning on me when I am on the sofa etc. Which is why I feel so sad leaving him to go upstairs! At least now you have your one by your side again, I wouldnt expect DP to let mine in the bed but I just hate the thought of him being shut downstairs!

He made boundaries before you moved in. You can't expect him to change them if you try it might cause discontents. What I would say to him is that the dog has not got a long life but we have I would try and talk calmly to him.

I think if you got a puppy and started right away not letting them upstairs it would be different but a 8 year old dog that's always been allowed upstairs is different. I think your compromise was good though to just not let the dog in the bedroom was good and maybe you should try and push on this?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable as you are the one trying to change what was agreed, but I understand why you are.

Having working dogs is very different from having pets, so I can see why you are both poles apart.

What size is your dog? If your dog only sits at the top of the stairs and doesn't jump on the bed etc., if it is a little dog does the layout allow for a small bed on the landing upstairs? Maybe if the dog doesn't go in the bedrooms or bathroom but can be near you that would work?

Other than that, I can't think of another compromise. That's no way on earth I would let an animal of any description on my bed, and whilst everyone else on the thread seems happy with that, (each to their own) it repulses me, so I can understand your oh's attitude too.

@housemdwaswrong I know, I now regret accepting the decision and moving in anyway. He is tiny, a little bit bigger than a chihuahua. He is such a good boy if I tell him no, he doesn't do it and won't again. The upstairs landing is exactly the same as downstairs so I just can't see what his reason is. There isnt space at the moment on the landing but in the new house there will be

YABU. He made the rules of his home clear before you moved in. You can’t move in and then try to change them. Totally unreasonable. Dogs never on beds/bedding/upstairs as far as I’m concerned. Yes disgusting. And yes, I have a much adored, happy dog

YANBU
The dog was in your life before your partner.
You should have settled this before you rushed to move in with him.
Your partner isn't really sharing the house with you - you are a tenant and he is the landlord making the rules.

My dog comes first, so having tried it his way, but him not prepared to try it your way I would now be moving out.

Will the new house be in both your names? If so suggest that in the new house your dog will be allowed up. If not then I would run a mile as he will make all the rules as it is his house.

Honestly, I wouldn't have moved in with him. Some people have different opinions about where animals should be allowed to go, which is fine, but it can cause issues. Could you put a gate in front of the bedroom instead so he can follow you up but sleeps elsewhere?

In going against the grain. You came as a package and your little shadow was there (and will be there) regardless of partners. I would put my foot down and get him to compromise. It's not fair on the little fella

I wouldn't have moved in with that rule in place. My dog is my world

@Barbedbloom That would be the perfect situation for me and the dog, not so much for DP. Whilst I respect DPs opinion on dogs upstairs I dont think he realises how much it plays on my mind.

It interesting how to some people OP's DP expecting OP to carry out agreement = controlling but OP reneging on the agreement and doing what she likes = having a backbone.

Dogs just aren't as clean as humans so I can understand your DPs problem. It's something you should discuss before moving to the next house but I wouldn't really leave a partner because of a dog that may or may not actually be affected by this change.

@thegoodenoughwife It will actually be in his name to start with, and yes things probably won't change it will still be his house his rules ....

Why in his name to start with?
Do you really want to live in his house abiding by his rules? This will include other things and not just regarding the dog imo going forward.

It doesn't sound like a partnership to me. Please have a good think.

@thegoodenoughwife I don't have the best credit rating, plus other stuff. We wanted to move as the house now was his and his ex's

Will you be paying towards the house?

@thegoodenoughwife Yes I will be, just won't be on the mortgage to start with

And not on the deeds?

YANBU. Perhaps you should have realised before you moved in, but in your shoes I would be moving out. I have a responsibility to my pets that will always have to come before anything else. Your dog won’t understand what he has done wrong.

@thegoodenoughwife Not right now, no

I don't think you are being unreasonable, however I do think you should have considered this more before moving in with him.

This would be a deal breaker for me - his reasons for not wanting the dog upstairs are what exactly 'it isn't what I do' or 'it isn't how I grew up with dogs'.. so what?

On a deeper level, the fact he clearly isn't willing to compromise and IS willing to insist on something that clearly upsets you AND your dog.. makes me think that he's not really a particularly nice person.

That rings alarm bells for me, I would want to know what the situation will be in the new house!