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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for starting to feel like I may want to return to work....

80 replies

FeelingMoreHuman · 10/08/2007 16:46

Dd is 7 months old and I always thought I'd be a sahm until yet-to-be-conceived-dc2 is a couple of years old. However, now that motherhood is here I'm starting to change my mind. I love my dd dearly but do feel that not only does she need more stimulation/interaction etc but so do I. Does this make me a bad mother? All the women in my family (and extended family) have stayed at home with their children until they were at least 5 years old and many are openly against mothers "adandoning" their dc's so young . How can I can convince them that I'm not being selfish? Come to think of it...am I being selfish?

OP posts:

Flibbertyjibbet · 10/08/2007 16:52

I was exactly the same.
Went back to work whilst already pg with no 2 and went back when ds2 was 7m.
It just worked for me thats all.
Xenia seems to be on holiday otherwise she'd be straight on here telling you to get back full time and have a nanny and cleaner

beansprout · 10/08/2007 16:54

I had a year off with ds and tbh, it was too long. I went back part-time and am very happy with the balance. dc2 is due in Jan and I know I will be back at work a tad earlier this time.

Xenia goes back shortly after the placenta comes out, but you can ignore her, she's a bit weird.

potoroo · 10/08/2007 16:55

Nup - definitely not being selfish. I did the same. Thought I was going to be a SAHM, then realised it was not for me.

Went back to work 3 days per week which is a good compromise.
After a bit of settling in DS is happy at nursery and gets more stimulation (and messy play) that I can give him - and he's got lots of friends. With another one on the way I have no issues about putting him/her in nursery either (not right away though!)

I know some other people don't approve of this, but I know it is right for me, for DS and for our family - so I don't care what others think

Marls001 · 10/08/2007 16:56

Hey, you've got to do what you've got to do. That you have even wondered whether going back to work makes you a bad mother means that you are not one, but rather a good mother who is doing what she must do to keep from going completely insane!!
I am a SAHM, BTW. Works for me, but certainly not for everyone. NO ONE should judge you for going back to work.

motherinferior · 10/08/2007 16:57

I went back four months after having both mine (I work based from home, so didn't have to commute or wear work clothes). In many ways I had no option, but neither tbh did I have any regrets. First time round it saved my sanity.

mazzystar · 10/08/2007 16:57

neither unreasonable nor selfish
horses for courses

lizziemun · 10/08/2007 16:57

No,

It is more important for your DD to have a happy mummy.

I enjoy being at home with dd now 3.6 and pg with no 2 (37wks).

Please do not feel guilty if family and friends try and put you off, you need to what best for you.

Perhaps look for some part-time work.

pointydog · 10/08/2007 16:58

You're not being selfish at all. It's an option and you can choose it.

I don't think you can convince family members who are against it. You just have to treat it matter of factly, make all your childcare arrangements efficiently and don't moan to them or ask too much of them.

They'll be convinved when you have averagely well adjusted 10+ year olds.

Reallytired · 10/08/2007 16:58

No, you aren't being unreasonable. There has been study after study that shows children of working parents do just fine provided that there is good quality childcare.

I am sure Xenia's children have not suffered in any shape or form for having a working mum. My son went to full time nursery at three years old and loved it.

Do you have the option of working part time?

A lot of people hate being a SAHM and don't have the guts to admit it. I think you are brave and sensible to look at your options.

motherinferior · 10/08/2007 17:01

I had a mother who was a SAHM and wasn't happy. It would have been much better for her and for us if she'd worked outside the house, it really would.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 10/08/2007 17:01

Do you owe those family members anything? Why would it matter what their perceptions are? Try it out and see how you feel.

Original poster

FeelingMoreHuman · 10/08/2007 17:07

Thank you everyone for being so encouraging.
Pointydog....hopefully won't have to wait 10yrs for family to get over it
I am definitely one of the lucky ones that I at least have a choice in the matter. I will hopefully be able to try some sort of flexible working (if employer agrees) and then if it doesn't work out and I suddenly realise I'd be better off at home then at least I've got that option. I keep saying to myself, there are so many women that manage to balance work and raising children...so surely I can do it and still raise a well-balanced healthy child whilst keeping a sense of myself through my work! Would it make sense if I say that it'll make me appreciate my time with dd more, or am I just kidding myself!

OP posts:

beansprout · 10/08/2007 17:10

It's ok not to find babies that stimulating!! They aren't!!
As fulfilling as being a mum is (etc etc), it isn't really brain food, and it's ok to need that too. You aren't accountable to your wider family, just your immediate one, including yourself.

pointydog · 10/08/2007 17:11

well, yeah, it gradually eases off but having both grandmothers with that attitude did create some bad feeling certainly in the pre-school stage

Original poster

FeelingMoreHuman · 10/08/2007 17:12

CTA - don't owe family anything. Guess I just don't want to disappoint any of them. Some of them are very upfront with their opinions whereas I tend to just sit in a corner and try not get involved because I'm terrible when it comes to confrontation or trying to state my point of view. I guess I just don't know how to justify it in a way that they will understand! Please don't get me wrong though, I love my family (don't necessarily like them ) just guess I'm a slightly less than confident first time mother!

OP posts:

northender · 10/08/2007 17:14

I think if you're feeling like that then get something part time if you're able and see how it works out. As someone else has said finding childcare that you're happy with is crucial and ain't worth comprimising. Do what you feel is right for you and your little one(s).

mummydoc · 10/08/2007 17:15

no definightly not unreasonable, i am a much better mother for gogin to work, i would be in a loony bin if i had to stay home fulltime , sometimes i feel my balance isn't quite right but i try hard to be fair to work /kids and myself. go back to work, be happy and you will be a far better parent. good luck

Original poster

FeelingMoreHuman · 10/08/2007 17:16

beansprout - so glad you said that. Some days are absolutely lovely, when I've really put some thought into the activities we do...but I already find many things repetitive - which I know is good for her in many ways, but can't help but feel that there's more to life than singing nursery rhymes! Unless I should be doing more with dd? What else did you all do with babies 6 months plus? I rotate activities such as: swimming, singing, massage, going to the park, walking in the pram, playing with toys sitting up or lying down, finger foods....am I missing something? Should I be doing more?

OP posts:

eleusis · 10/08/2007 17:17

I think only you can know when you are ready to go back. However, I also think you are unlikely to convince your famil that it's the right choice. My Dh's family don't approve of my working so much. And they can have on teensy weensy little tiny opinion on the matter when they buy me a house to live in. Until then, I'm afraid I can't really be arsed to care. My family is the opposite. My mother completely supports my choice. And ther have been times when I thought she was the only one on earth who did.

Go back when you are ready and tell everyone else to go talk to Xenia. She runs a fab boot camp for the victorians among us.

Oh and according to my DH, my MIL doesn't approve of our holiday in a few weeks which we are going on and leaving the kids at home for five straight days. Do I care? Nope! Actually, sometimes I think DH tells me this stuff just to wind me up.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 10/08/2007 17:18

I don't know that you will find a way of explaining/justifying what you want to do that will please others. If they are so entrenched in their views the only thing that might change their mind is seeing you happy and confident about your choices.

beansprout · 10/08/2007 17:20

No, you can get caught up in all of that (and spend a lot of money to boot) but they really don't need a huge amount beyond you, food, sleep etc. Just talking to them, having a few toys etc is fine. I think we have forgotten just how simple babies are sometimes and want them to grow up too fast.

Make the most of how portable a young baby is and see your friends, go for coffee etc. You'll soon be into all the other stuff.

beansprout · 10/08/2007 17:22

Oh and sorry to bang on but the reality is that I feel that I would be a "better" mummy if I was a SAHM (but I know I couldn't do that) and I know SAHMs who have told me they secretly want to go back to work.

I don't think there are perfect solutions, just what works best.

HairyToe · 10/08/2007 20:11

You need to do whatever is best for you and your child regardless of other people, family members included. I would say, however, that although I have found being at home with babies pretty tedious, it does get better as they get older and you can do more with them.
I am a SAHM now - my fixed-term contract finished when I was pregnant for the first time (four years ago) so after first baby was born I had no job to go back to. Plus I was pretty fed up with my previous career choice. If I'd had a job/profession that I'd loved I'd probably have been sorely tempted to return during those baby days.
Toddlers and small children are a bit more interesting though and I've really enjoyed being home with DD1 as she got older (she is now 3). DD2 is just 1 and to be honest being on my own with her (when DD2 is at nursery) can sometimes blow my mind with boredom (sounds awful doesn't it ). So go back to work if you want to there's no need to feel guilty about it but equally if you did decide to continue staying at home it could get better

tribpot · 10/08/2007 20:25

Well, you know what Xenia would do, faced with a family rebellion - she would simply say "why are you not criticising dh for going out to work and 'abandoning' his child?".

For me personally, I have to work f-t because my dh is chronically ill, so I have to earn the cashola. But even without that constraint, I would want to work p-t because I genuinely enjoy having a life outside being a SAHM. In no way do I expect everyone else to want the same choice, male or female. Dh much prefers to be at home with ds than go out to work. So that's fine (or at least would be, if he were well enough to look after him f-t, as was our original intention).

I have a friend at work in a similar position to you. All of the women in her family have been SAHMs since their kids were born, and she can't really contemplate a different option, so is holding off on having kids as a result. (She's only 24 so this isn't a major deal).

You absolutely need to follow your own needs on this. We all have pre-conceived notions about what parenthood will be like, and what kind of parents we want to be. Inevitably we are wrong. The best thing about your situation is that if you find you don't prefer combining work outside the home with motherhood, you can always change your mind.

You are not a bad mother. You're just looking for the right combination for you and dd.

weirdbird · 10/08/2007 20:25

The only advice I would give is that they do get more interesting to be at home with once they get past 6 months, personally I found I really started to enjoy being at home once my eldest got to about 8 months and was walking and suddenly around 10 months there was language and real communication. The first 6 months or so do tend to be a endless round of feeding & sleeping and not a lot of interaction.

(Btw I work from home for myself and my DD1 went to Nursery 2 days a week, DD2 I'm still working at home but no childcare at present, still deciding what to do)

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